Years before, when Hagar fled from her abusive mistress, God had promised her that if she would obey Him by returning and submitting to Sarah, He would give her descendants too numerous to count. But what was it that God had just said? In her eagerness to give Ishmael water and to drink some herself, she may not have paid close attention to the promise that was included with the instructions. Did it now come back to her with startling clarity? God had just stated that He would make Ishmael into a great nation.5 A great nation! That was more than just lots of children and grandchildren. A great nation meant honor, position, respect, and power. That implied they might both have a future with purpose and hope and blessing!
As she surely thought over and over about what God had said, the meaning must have unfolded as quickly in her mind as the bloom on a desert cactus after a spring rain.
Suddenly her hopelessness vanished! And she knew …
That she and Ishmael would not only survive the desert, but that they would have a grand and glorious future.
That although God’s plan and purpose for Ishmael’s life was different from that of Isaac’s life, it was not a second-rate plan.
That she had not left God back at Abraham’s tent, nor had He left her.
That God was there for her, and He would always be there — for her, for her son, for her grandchildren, and for all of her descendants in every generation yet to come.
Hagar’s faith, and the hope that came with it for herself and for Ishmael, was now established on God’s Word.
Leaving Abraham’s household was not the end of everything; it was the beginning of God’s unique plan and distinct purpose for Ishmael. Ishmael’s life would count for something — he had not missed out on God’s blessing for his life after all. The God of Abraham was also the God of Hagar. The God of Isaac was also the God of Ishmael. God was not only the God of the inner circle, but the God of those on the periphery!
Best of all, Hagar now knew with certainty that God loved not only Abraham and Isaac, but also loved her and Ishmael. Hagar’s heart surely filled with joy and hope, even as she took Ishmael’s blistered, sunburned hand in her own and they walked together into the future. I wonder if she whispered through dry, cracked lips, Ishmael, listen to me. My God — our God — has seen us, heard us, and provided us with a well of water. And He has given us a promise, Ishmael. Come, we have a future after all.
There is no evidence that Hagar ever looked back. She did not live bitterly imagining what her life would have been like if she had not been exiled from Abraham’s household. She gives every indication that she fully embraced the future God had for her and for her son, even though it was vastly different than what she had imagined it would be. Hagar had to let go of the past and of any plans she may have had for her life in order to enjoy all that God had for her. And so to claim God’s promise of descendants and hope for Ishmael’s future, Hagar “got a wife for him.”6
God kept His promise to Hagar. Ishmael married and had a family of his own. Included among his descendants are the majority of the Arab peoples living around the globe today and all Muslims. While many of Ishmael’s descendants in our world today live in poverty, no one can dispute that the nations they have established have been richly blessed with almost unlimited natural resources at their disposal. And while many of Hagar’s descendants today are suffering, her God is still standing by, patiently waiting … because God loves them.
But to receive the fullness of God’s promise and purpose for herself and her son, Hagar had to proceed through life by looking ahead. She could not go forward by staying focused on the past any more than you and I can drive our cars forward by looking in the rearview mirror.
When you and I were young, we often had a picture of what we wanted our lives to be like when we grew up … a picture of our career, our family, and our children. What did you imagine your life would be like today? Has the canvas of your life’s painting turned out as you expected? Or has it been marred — slashed by a handicap, hurts, injustice, illness, bankruptcy, betrayal?
The way to healing, the way to freedom from the wretchedness of the pain, is not revenge. It is not giving them — the ones who wounded you — the silent treatment, or cutting them off, or cutting them out. It is not rejecting God and losing your faith. It is not blaming others and claiming to be an innocent victim. Vengeance, slander, self-defense, finger-pointing, and blame-giving will not ease your pain. God tells us exactly how to be healed. The remedy is simple but radical: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”7
Would you be willing to forgive? To release your hurt to God by forgiving those who have hurt you? Often that’s the last thing you and I would ever think of doing. Somehow we’re afraid that if we forgive them, they will somehow get away with what they have done to us. By holding on to our anger, we feel we are somehow making God pay for what He has allowed. But those very injustices and wounds God allows into our lives can go beyond hurt and become spiritually self-destructive if we refuse His healing remedy. Remember, you can’t move forward while looking backward.
I was reminded in a fresh way of the need to forgive in order to move forward at the end of a recent dinner conversation with two couples, both of whom had held strategic leadership positions within Christian organizations and had been deeply wounded. One couple had pastored a large, influential church, only to be moved out because they had become “too evangelical.” The husband of the other couple had held the presidency of a Christian college but had been removed when he was caught up in a power struggle within the board of directors. We had finished our meal when one of the women mused rather wistfully, “Anne, one day when we have time, I would like to ask you about forgiveness.” Then she paused for a moment, took a deep breath as though drawing in courage, and said, “Actually, I want to ask you now.” I was somewhat familiar with the circumstances of the extremely painful and humiliating experience she and her husband had endured at the hands of Christian leaders on the board of directors, so I shot up a silent arrow prayer, asking God to give me His insight and wisdom. I knew she was trying to move forward but was struggling to overcome this major obstacle. She was asking for help.
She related that someone had told her she had to forgive those who had essentially erased twenty-seven years of accomplishment from her husband’s life. Of course, she affirmed, she knew she was supposed to forgive.8 But then the person who told her she needed to forgive added something else — that the evidence of her forgiveness would be when she could love the wounders as God loved them. The look in her eyes tightened slightly as she confessed, “I don’t think I can do that.” While I knew she and her husband had moved forward professionally by taking another prominent leadership position, I knew also she was personally and spiritually stuck in the quicksand of wounds from her past.
I candidly responded that if I were in her shoes, I couldn’t love the wounders as God loved them either — not in myself. C. S. Lewis wrote, “Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the other person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.”9
Love is a choice — a decision we make to put the well-being of the other person before our own. And forgiveness is also a decision. It is not pretending that I have not been wounded or saying that what the other person did was not wrong. It is not letting them get by with it by not holding them accountable.
I have been asked repeatedly, “Anne, how have you experienced healing of your wounds? How have you been able to move past them?” The answer, which may seem simplistic but is the one that works, is that the healing antidote to wounds is forgiveness. But I don’t stop with just the decision to forgive. Once I have made the decision to forgive, I move forward by doing something for the person who has hurt me.
I’ve learned that forgiveness is an intellectual choice I am commanded to make. If it were a feeling or an emotion, I couldn’t obey the command since I can’t necessarily control my emotion
s and feelings. It’s a choice, pure and simple. If I only offered forgiveness to those who ask for it, or those who deserve it, or those I feel like forgiving, there are, to be honest, some people I would never forgive. But it’s a decision that I make because I am commanded to forgive for one simple reason: God has forgiven me. As an act of grateful worship, I choose to forgive others.10
But then my decision to forgive needs to be followed with an act of love that’s sacrificial in nature. I need to do something for the person I am forgiving — something that is costly. Something I would do for no other reason than it’s my act of worship — worship of One who laid down His life for me as His own act of sacrificial, loving forgiveness.
As dessert was served, I shared with my friend the story I related in chapter 8 about choosing to be rebaptized when my church canceled the Bible class I taught. I had already made the choice to forgive the church for removing Danny and me from leadership and teaching. My submission to immersion baptism was my way of acting out my forgiveness with a demonstration of sacrificial love. Although it seemed to make no difference to the church, I know it made a difference in me because to this day I harbor no ill-will, bitterness, or unforgiveness. I have just let those feelings go. In fact, I recently found myself in a working relationship with the very man who had presided over the congregational meeting when my husband was removed from church leadership. I didn’t find it difficult to work with him because, over time, my choice to forgive years ago had led to authentic feelings of forgiveness.
As the couple sat quietly, their coffee getting cold in cups that went unnoticed, I sensed they were truly listening. So I continued. I shared the testimony of a dear friend, Barb,11 whose mother had never ceased to find fault with her. Ever since Barb was a little girl, her mother had criticized everything she did. Barb told me that months before Christmas every year, she began to feel nauseated because selecting the expected gift was so traumatic. It didn’t matter what the gift was, her mother would not be pleased. Barb dreaded Christmas for that reason alone.
Barb and her mother were involved with other family members in a business venture. One particular year, Barb’s mother actually took out a lawsuit against her involving the business. At the same time, Barb’s mother was moving out of the home she’d had for decades and into a condominium — and Barb was helping her move! As if that weren’t enough, Barb was a fabulous seamstress and she sewed the drapes and other things for her mother’s new home.
Barb had dropped by my house one morning, and I remember looking incredulously at her. She was standing on my front steps when I challenged her bluntly, “Barb, how can you do it? How in the world can you help your mother, sew for her, do these other things, while she is suing you in court?” I will never forget Barb’s response. She taught me a life’s lesson that I was able to share with those at the dinner.
“Anne, I’ve forgiven my mother,” she replied. “But I have to tell you, every time my mother comes to mind, every time I see her or hear the sound of her voice, I have to forgive her all over again. Jesus has taught me to forgive seventy times seven — to place no limits on my forgiveness. But when I made the decision to forgive her, I also made the decision to love her sacrificially. Helping her is my way of showing her I’ve forgiven her and that I love her. And actually, it has helped me let go. I have been set free from bitterness, anger, and resentment.”
I looked at Barb’s gentle expression, the light of joy in her eyes, and I knew she was speaking the truth. She was free — free to forgive, free to love. Her wounds had been healed!
When dinner had concluded and we were walking to our cars, the husband of the woman who had asked the question slipped up beside me, put his arm around my shoulders, and whispered, “Thank you. Thank you for your ministry to us tonight.” From the look on his face, I was led to believe he had taken the first step out of exile. He was ready to move forward.
Don’t underestimate the power of forgiveness in your own life. While others may remain distant, hardened, cold, vengeful, and give only a negative response to your forgiveness — if they give any response at all — the very act of forgiveness fleshed out in sacrificial love will begin the healing process in you. And sometimes it does make a difference in the other person.
Although there was no evidence at the time, Barb’s forgiveness and love softened her mother’s heart. As Barb chose to move forward, within a few years, she had the privilege of leading her mother to receive God’s love by placing her faith in Jesus Christ for her own forgiveness. Shortly thereafter, her mother stepped into eternity. I can’t even imagine how different Barb’s outlook would be now if she had not made the decision to forgive and then move forward by loving her mother for God’s sake.
Here is the biblical foundation for Barb’s lesson: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers … Dear children, let us not love with words or tongues but with actions and in truth … And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us.”12
And that love often involves forgiveness and sacrifice, doesn’t it? There never has been, is, or ever will be a greater demonstration of sacrificial love than when Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. For you. For me. And He made this sacrifice at a time when we could not have cared less because we didn’t even know we were sinners, much less that we needed a Savior who would offer us forgiveness through His own shed blood on the cross.
I shared this principle with Jay, another friend who had been deeply wounded.13 He was a United States senator who was considered such a strong candidate in his reelection bid that he almost ran unopposed. But at the last minute, another person in the other party declared his candidacy. Millions of dollars in out-of-state revenue was raised by a senate colleague for Jay’s challenger. A national marketing team was engaged for the opposition that played loose with the truth, twisting and distorting Jay’s record. Jay lost the race.
When I had the opportunity to talk with Jay two years after the disastrous election, I could clearly see the hurt that was still in his eyes. He candidly asked me how he could move past the wound when his political career had been terminated so unfairly. He acknowledged that he struggled with bitterness. So I shared with Jay the principle of making the choice to forgive, then following it with a sacrificial act of love for the wounder.
Several months later, Jay shared that he had gone home and thought through what I had shared. As a result, he had made the decision to forgive his Senate colleague. Then, he had heard his colleague’s wife was dying of cancer. So Jay wrote a warm note to tell his former colleague he was praying for them both and sent a gift to express his concern. Jay didn’t know if the colleague had been touched, but Jay himself was set free from bitterness. He was no longer looking back, but moving forward, ready to embrace the future that God had for him, which was different than the one he had envisioned for himself.
Although you may not be in exile physically — you may still be going to church, attending Bible studies, involved in religious activities — could it be that your spirit is nonetheless in exile because you are stuck in the quicksand of past wounds? Is there a cold vacancy where there used to be a warm vibrancy of love for the things and people of God? Is there a root of bitterness that is strangling your spirit on the inside, threatening to choke off the future God has in store for you?
Our Lord Jesus Christ, Creator of everything, Lord of Glory, Son of God, the Angel of the Lord who had pursued, comforted, and helped Hagar, gives us a dramatic life lesson on forgiveness by His own example. When He was stripped of His clothes, nailed to the cross with spikes driven through His hands and feet, He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”14 If He could forgive the very ones who crucified Him, how can you and I withhold our forgiveness from those who wound us? But He didn’t just make the choice to forgive them; He died for them!
I recently heard a
statement attributed to my dear friend Crawford Loritts.15 It was based on the account of Jesus’ appearance to His disciples in the upstairs room following His resurrection. Jesus showed the disciples His wounds and invited them to reach out and touch them.16 Crawford remarked that perhaps one reason Jesus did this was to show His disciples that, while scars may remain, wounds can be healed. Quickly. You don’t necessarily need years of therapy and counseling.
Perhaps what you need more than anything is a fresh encounter with the risen Lord Jesus Christ. Take a good look at the wounds He bore for you. His decision to forgive you was followed by sacrificial love in action. He died for you!
If you are struggling in your effort to move forward because you can’t seem to get your eyes off the past, look up. Heed the example of the One who made the decision to forgive His wounders, then followed His decision with a supreme act of sacrificial love.
And don’t forget to look ahead. While Jesus will always bear in His body the marks of Calvary, He moved on into all that His Father had for Him after the cross. He walked out of the grave into the glory of heaven and the crown that awaited Him as “King of kings and Lord of lords.”17
So … “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you.”18 Look up! Look ahead! Don’t miss the future God has for you because you keep looking back.
Wounded by God's People Page 14
