by Cathy Glass
‘Hello, Elaine. Lovely to hear from you.’
‘Thank you for agreeing to see Anna.’
‘No need to thank me. We’re all overjoyed you got in touch.’
‘Are you?’ she said as though it might not be true. ‘After the way it all ended I wondered if you’d want to see us.’ Clearly she had reflected on this.
‘It’s history,’ I said. ‘I’m delighted you’ve got in touch. I’m assuming everything worked out for you all.’
‘Yes, although there are still some ongoing issues we’re working on, but I won’t keep you now. Anna would like to see you. Ian and I would too.’
‘Great. When?’
‘This weekend if you’re free.’
‘We’re free Saturday. Afternoon would be good for us.’
‘Yes, that suits us too. Around two o’clock?’
‘Fine with me. You remember where we live?’
‘Yes. We’ll look forward to it then. Thank you, and thanks for all you did for Anna back then. I know it’s a bit late.’
‘You’re welcome. See you Saturday.’
I replaced the handset with a smile. Talk about a happy ending! Or was it? Elaine had said she was still dealing with some ongoing issues with Anna. I hoped they were solvable and that she wasn’t coming to see if Anna could stay with me again. It might sound far-fetched but I’d had experience of parents who knew I fostered stop me in the street, even knock on my door, to ask if I could look after their child or children for a few weeks, as they were struggling. I had to explain that the social care system didn’t work like that and if their family was in crisis then they needed to phone the social services, who would send a social worker to assess them. If it was then decided their child or children needed to be in care then the social services would place them with a foster carer, although not necessarily in the area (it would depend where a carer was free).
Saturday afternoon, the house was spotless and a freshly baked sponge cake filled with butter icing and jam stood majestically on a plate in the kitchen, ready to be sliced. I’d told Adrian, Paula and Lucy to just carry on as normal, although obviously Anna would want to see them as they did her. But at two o’clock we were all sitting in the living room on our best behaviour and nervously awaiting Anna’s arrival.
‘I wonder if you’ll recognize her,’ Lucy said. ‘It’s a long time.’
I agreed. The difference between a five-year-old and a nearly thirteen-year-old would be dramatic.
When the doorbell rang a little after two o’clock I immediately left the living room to answer it, as nervous and curious as I was the first time I met Anna. Would I recognize her?
Yes, I did, but only from her clear blue eyes. When I opened the door, before me stood a tall, fashionably dressed young lady with long fair hair loosely plaited over one shoulder, and she was smiling. ‘Cathy! You haven’t changed at all!’ she cried, clasping her hands together in delight.
‘Well, thank you!’ I laughed. ‘Anyone who thinks I haven’t changed in seven years immediately wins a place in my heart.’ Elaine and Ian laughed too. It broke the ice. ‘Come on in, all of you.’
I automatically kissed Anna’s cheek as I welcomed her and she responded naturally and without hesitation by kissing mine. She wouldn’t have done that seven years ago, I mused; she shied away from physical affection. Elaine and I cheek-kissed and then Ian presented me with a box of chocolates. ‘A thank-you gift, better late than never,’ he said, also kissing my cheek.
‘That is kind of you,’ I said. ‘My favourites.’
‘You’ve changed the colour on the walls,’ Anna said, glancing around the hall.
‘Yes, a few years ago. Fancy you remembering that.’ I’m constantly surprised by the details children remember years after they’ve left us. ‘We’re all in the living room,’ I said. ‘Come through. Adrian is going out shortly but he wanted to see you first.’
‘That’s nice,’ Anna said pleasantly.
In the living room I introduced them all to each other.
‘Lucy?’ Anna queried, looking puzzled.
‘Cathy fostered me some years after you left, and then adopted me,’ Lucy explained.
‘Wow!’ Anna said. ‘I’m adopted too.’ Which Lucy knew. ‘You look like Cathy.’
‘You look like your mum and dad,’ Lucy said. She did. It’s not imagination. Studies have shown that adopted children often grow to resemble their adoptive family in their likes and dislikes, aims, achievements, intelligence and physical appearance.
Any self-consciousness had now vanished as we settled into the chairs while the young people led the conversation. ‘Which school do you go to?’ Paula asked. Anna named a secondary school close to where they lived. Then followed a chat about their secondary schools, the subjects they were choosing – or in Adrian’s case had chosen – to study at higher level, what they liked to do in their spare time, and the careers they were thinking of. After a while Adrian said he had to leave, and stood. ‘Lovely meeting you again,’ he said to Anna.
‘And you. Sorry I broke your toys.’
‘I’ll get over it,’ Adrian said dryly, which made everyone laugh.
I went with him to the front door. ‘I’ll see you at dinnertime then unless you phone to say otherwise,’ I said. When Adrian had started going out with his friends I’d put in place some ground rules so that I knew he was safe and that food didn’t go to waste.
‘Yes, and save me a bit of that cake, Mum.’
‘I will.’
After he’d gone I returned to the living room and offered everyone a drink. Elaine asked for tea, Ian coffee, and the girls fruit juice.
‘I’ll come and help you,’ Elaine said, standing.
I didn’t really need her help but I appreciated the chance to talk to Elaine in private, which I think is what she intended.
‘Anna is a real credit to you,’ I said as soon as we were in the kitchen and out of earshot. ‘I’m struggling to believe it’s the same child. You and Ian have done a fantastic job.’
‘Oh, thank you. Do you really see that much difference?’
‘Absolutely. She’s sociable, warm, engaging, tactile, makes conversation and smiles! When did all this happen?’
‘It was a very long process,’ Elaine admitted, ‘and we’re still dealing with some issues.’
‘Like what?’ I asked, pausing from taking the cups and saucers from the cupboard.
‘Mainly around control,’ Elaine replied. ‘Anna still likes to be in charge. She’d run our lives if we let her. But now we understand more, that it’s a result of her early years’ experiences, we deal with it. We’re having to be firmer now she’s almost a teenager.’
‘That’s normal,’ I said. ‘Most teenagers test the boundaries, but you’re managing OK?’
‘Oh, yes.’ So I saw there’d been no need for me to worry; there wasn’t an ulterior motive for their visit.
‘You’ve done very well,’ I said again, and filled the kettle.
‘We had help. We were in family therapy for over a year, and Anna saw a therapist separately. Ian and I went to parenting classes – well, me mainly, as I was the main caregiver. We learned so much we wished we’d known sooner. We were incredibly naïve – we thought our love for Anna would fix everything. It played a big part, of course, but as you know we’d just been giving in to her, and giving her everything she wanted, which wasn’t what she needed. Our tutor said that what a child wants can be very different from what they need.’
‘Very true,’ I said reflectively. ‘Very true indeed.’
‘That looks nice,’ Elaine said as I began to slice the cake.
‘Thank you. Let’s hope it tastes as good as it looks.’
‘I’m sure it will. I also rejoined the online group for those who have adopted,’ Elaine continued. ‘It helped talking to others going through something similar. I now share what we learned. I’ll be honest with you, though, we had a very difficult time when Anna first returned from you.
There were days when I thought I’d never be able to control her, but we got through it. We couldn’t let her down again. Some of the strategies that you began here our tutor mentioned at the parenting group, and the importance of consistent boundaries.’
I nodded. I could see how confident Elaine was in her role as a parent now compared to before, and I was delighted that their family had come through the difficult times.
‘Anna would like to see her bedroom here if that’s OK?’ Elaine said. ‘She might not like to ask.’
‘Yes, of course, although it’s a little different upstairs now. I added an extra bedroom so we could continue fostering after Lucy stayed. So what prompted Anna to ask to visit us now?’
‘We went back to the country where she was born last month and put a lot of old ghosts to rest. It was after that.’
‘She decided to put this old ghost to rest,’ I said, and Elaine laughed. ‘Did she see her birth mother?’
‘No. She didn’t want to try to find her, but we did visit the orphanage. It was dreadful. It closed a year after Anna left and is a ruin now, but the atmosphere lingers. A lot of the roof has fallen in and ivy and weeds are growing inside, but those metal cots are still there, like empty cages. It sparked some very unpleasant memories in Anna, stuff she hadn’t talked to us about before. She remembered children crying out for help at night and no one coming, being freezing cold in winter and hungry the whole time. She saw some sickly infants die in front of her – possibly she saw Lana, I don’t know.’ Elaine’s eyes glistened. ‘She remembers the callous attitude of the staff, as we do. Thank goodness that doesn’t happen now in the orphanages there. It was shocking to hear Anna talk about it, but it helped to put the past to rest once and for all.’
I nodded. ‘Will you return again?’
‘No, not unless Anna wants to, and I don’t think she will. She has moved on from the past; we all have.’
‘Good.’ I smiled and picked up the tray containing the drinks while Elaine carried the plate with the cake.
As we entered the living room Elaine joked, ‘Look what I just made!’
‘No, you didn’t,’ Anna snapped, a little disparagingly.
‘She might have done,’ Ian said, rising to his wife’s defence. ‘Your mum makes very good cakes.’
‘She does,’ Anna agreed, duly chastened.
‘So does our mum,’ Lucy said. ‘Just not enough of them.’
I handed out the cake and drinks and we continued talking. The cake disappeared very quickly as Ian, Elaine and Anna had second slices, so I put the last slice in the kitchen for Adrian. It was soon four o’clock and Ian said they would need to leave shortly as they were all going to the cinema later, so I asked Anna if she would like to look around the house now.
‘Yes, please,’ she said.
Ian stayed in the living room talking to Lucy and Paula while Elaine came with me. ‘I’ve only ever seen your room in the photographs Cathy sent,’ Elaine said to Anna. I always packed photographs of the child’s stay when they left so they had something to look back on.
Upstairs I opened the door to what had been her bedroom, which now stood empty and ready for our next foster child. ‘We had a child leave last week,’ I said. ‘I don’t expect it will stay empty for long.’
‘You’ve painted the walls and changed the carpet, but some of the furniture is the same,’ Anna said.
‘Yes, you’re right.’
She went to the window and looked out to the garden beyond for a few seconds. When she turned her face was sad and her eyes glistened with tears.
‘Whatever is the matter, love?’ Elaine asked, going to her and putting her arm around her shoulders. ‘Can you tell me?’
‘I was just thinking how horrible I was to everyone. You, Dad, Cathy and her family. But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t put into words what I was feeling, so I lashed out. I remember my frustration, and feeling very frightened. I knew I was a long way from home, but I couldn’t work out how to get back.’
Elaine’s eyes filled too as she held her daughter, and I swallowed hard. Had I appreciated back then how frightened Anna had been? No. All I saw was an angry, out-of-control child. Perhaps if I’d asked the right questions I would have discovered the frightened child within. I’ll never know, but it was a lesson I learned and still remember. An angry child is a frightened child, crying out to be heard.
This is one family’s account of international adoption. International adoption has been practised for many years and allows a child or children from one country (usually a developing country) to be adopted by a family in another country. The vast majority of these adoptions are very successful, with the child bonding with their new family. It should also be noted that attachment disorders can be found in children who haven’t been adopted but fail to bond with their parents or primary caregiver for other reasons, usually through neglect or abuse.
For the latest on Anna and the other children in my books, please visit www.cathyglass.co.uk.
Suggested topics for reading-group discussion
Elaine and Ian followed the correct procedure to adopt from abroad. Why did it go so wrong? What might they have done differently?
How far could it be said that they were simply naïve?
It is a fact that Reactive Attachment Disorder shows up as a dark mass on a brain scan where the emotion should be. Why do you think Anna was able to improve, firstly at Cathy’s and then later, and more significantly, with her parents?
Elaine and Ian made the decision not to tell Anna about Lana. Was it the right decision? If she knew, what effect might it have on her? Was there anything to be gained from telling her?
Discuss the approach taken by Mrs Taylor’s sister, Flo, and her husband in respect of their two boys. What indications, if any, are there that the same approach might have worked with Anna?
What do you think Elaine’s and Ian’s reasoning was to remove Anna from foster care when they did? Do you agree with the social services’ decision to leave Anna at home with them? If not, what would you have done had you been their social worker?
What impact did fostering Anna have on Cathy and her family?
At the end Anna admits she was frightened at finding herself a long way from home and Cathy feels she should have realized this. What indicators were there, if any, that beneath Anna’s challenging behaviour was a very frightened child? Would you have spotted them?
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