A couple of days ago, I couldn’t help myself; I asked around about him, just curious what people would say. I found out that the women all loved him and couldn’t stop talking about how big and sexy he is. But the men, they all showed fear when I mentioned Zander’s name. They didn’t even want to discuss him, almost like they thought just mentioning his name was going to get them in trouble or something. How can this giant, sexy man be such a charmer and that feared, all at the same time?
Now I lay here crying, not only for my grief, but also for the fact that he just made love to me. It’s the first time I have ever allowed myself to be made love to. He’s asking me what’s wrong and why I’m crying, but how can I explain to him that I’m sad and scared, both feelings I don’t normally have? I learned a long time ago that self-pity gets you nowhere in life. So, I grew to learn how to shield my emotions and keep the people that could hurt me at bay. Kyle was right, I’ve always done that. But for some reason, with Zander it’s different; of course, it’s his nature to come barreling into my life, but I should be able to remain in control, though I’m learning with him I can’t. He makes me want to be softer and more vulnerable. All I know is, no matter what, I can’t, I can’t allow myself to be hurt by this man.
I turn and scoot over, facing away from him, needing that space to gain some control back. But he doesn’t let me. I feel the bed move, and then I feel his arms come around my waist. He pulls me back against his chest and whispers in my ear, “Please tell me.”
“I can’t.”
I know he’s going to push, so I say, “And I don’t want to, please leave it alone.”
There’s silence for a few minutes, and then I hear him say, “I came here because I needed you tonight. I don’t know why, but you were the only person I wanted to be around.”
I remain quiet, waiting to see if he will say more. After another minute or two, he starts to speak again. “I found out that my whole life was a lie. My father is not my father.” He starts to laugh. I turn around in his arms and put my hand on his cheek, wanting him to be calm and feel safe telling me. He looks back at me and starts again.
“I went home to talk with my mom about your situation. Theo Trahan came storming in the house. He insisted on telling me that he and my mom have been having a love affair for what I imagine would be almost thirty years.”
He chuckles then says, “I can’t believe she kept that a secret for that long. Anyways, he said that William isn’t my father, that he is.” He pauses and then continues. “I should be happy to hear that that son of a bitch isn’t my father, but I’m pissed. I don’t understand how a man can watch his child so close and not want to be my dad or how he could let me and my brothers or hell, even the woman he says he loves, be around that bastard for so long. I always liked Theo, he was a second father to me, and now he is my father. Why would he do that?”
I slide down into the crook of Zander’s arm and decide if he can open up to me and say he needed me, then I can confide in him.
I take a deep breath and begin my story. “When I was little, I wanted nothing more than to be a daddy’s girl. I was when I saw him, but when he was gone, I would cry myself to sleep every night, wishing he would love me enough to stay with me. But he never did. He would come in and out of my life different amounts of time a year. When he would come for one of his visits, he would spoil me rotten. Then he would leave and I wouldn’t hear from him for months. That went on for years until I turned twelve, then I never saw him again. He never gave me an explanation; he just never came back. I went as far as blaming my mother for him not being in my life, but I realized it wasn’t her fault. So, if it wasn’t her fault, it had to be mine. I tried so hard to be a good girl, thinking that maybe one day he would come back. That didn’t work, so then I started hating him for not being there, for not being my father. I just wanted him to love me enough to be there.”
Zander kisses the top of my head and tells me, “It’s his loss, baby. He missed out on knowing you and watching you grow into the beautiful, spirited woman you are now.”
I chuckle at that. “Spirited, huh?”
“Well, it’s better than saying stubborn or bossy.”
“Hmm, I guess it is, I’ll take it. I forgot about him and the hurt he caused me over the years. Then he reached out to me before he passed, he begged me to forgive him and told me that he always loved me. He said he did what he had to. Then he told me he was giving me the casino. I didn’t want it, I really didn’t. But then I decided he owed it to me, it was mine. That damn casino stole my father from me, and now it’s mine. I hated him so much for so long. But I cried like a baby when I saw him. It was like I was that little girl again, wanting him to make all my hurt go away.”
I jerk my head to the dresser. “That box, the one with my pictures, he had given me a key before he passed and told me to take it before someone else found it. I asked him what it was, and he said the strangest thing, he said, ‘My love.’”
“I found and took the box but couldn’t bring myself to open it until tonight. I was scared to find out what was inside. Finally tonight, I had to know. I thought maybe it held some secret to why the casino is in debt.”
Zander speaks up and says, “Instead it had pictures and information of all your life, didn’t it?” I nod my head, and Zander finishes, “It held you, it held his love.”
I start crying uncontrollably, I can’t believe he understands. That stupid box proves that no matter where he was or where I was, he always loved me and never forgot about me. He might not have been there every day, but he was involved and always watching.
Zander lets me cry until I can’t anymore. Then I reach up and run my fingers through his hair, knowing now it’s his turn. He needed me for his pain, and I have done nothing but shed mine to him.
“Zander, tell me about Theo. You said that you thought of him as a second father. Why?”
“My father William was a cruel man, he used to beat my mother. He was powerful but weak all at the same time. When he was in a good mood, he would dote on my older brother Gabriel, but never me. I always wondered why, I guess I know why now. My brother Liam, he’s the youngest, he was too young to remember a lot, but my father never interacted with him either. I wonder?”
“What? What do you wonder?”
“I was just wondering if it was possible for maybe Liam to be Theo’s, too, but I don’t think so. My father wasn’t himself then, he grew weaker over the years. I guess he just wasn’t interested in getting to know Liam. I might ask, though, just to make sure.”
“What do you remember about Theo?”
“Theo was the man. He was the biggest badass of them all. I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. He wasn’t there every day, or even every week, but when we did see him, he would give me and my brothers, including Vin, all his attention. He would even take us fishing and hunting. He has another son, Teddy, who I guess now is my brother, too. I’ll have to deal with him later. He’s okay, but he was a snot-nosed bitch when we were little, but I guess I would be, too, if my dad separated his time with me and four other boys. Funny, thinking about it now, I would have been pissed if I were him.”
“Hey, who’s Vin?”
“Vin’s my brother, too. Well, not our real brother, but he was raised with us. I don’t know how or why, but one day Mom brought him home and told us he would be living with us from now on. He’s been our brother ever since.”
“That’s weird.”
“Yeah, I guess it is, but we don’t ever give it much thought. He’s just always been there.”
“Theo sounds like a great guy. Why are you so mad to learn he’s your father?”
“Because he had to have known. If he and my mom had been seeing each other all these years, he has to know what she went through with William. Why wouldn’t he have made her leave him, or why wouldn’t he have killed William? It doesn’t make any sense to me. I hate him for knowing and not putting a stop to our suffering.”
I raise up an
d rest on my elbow, watching his face. I see there’s something he’s not saying. So, I push further.
“Zander, tell me what happened. I want you to know. I won’t ever tell anyone.”
He looks into my eyes and kisses me lightly. “I know, baby, I just don’t know how to explain it. William used to beat my mother, but no one knew except me and Vin. One day I caught William hitting Vin hard. I ran into the room and jumped on William’s back to get him off Vin. He threw me off and started hitting me, too. When he was finished with the both of us, Vin made me promise not to tell Mom. He said it would just make it worse. He was right, so I never told her that he hit me, too. It wasn’t an all the time thing, but over the years he would hit me for no reason, but I could handle that. It was the avoidance that I couldn’t handle. Him ignoring me my whole childhood was what hurt the most. He would watch me sometimes, with detest in his eyes. And when I would ask him something, he would just walk away from me. It hurt to watch when he would be playful with Gabriel but he wanted nothing to do with me. I almost welcomed when he would hit me because at least I knew he noticed me.”
I kiss Zander, stopping him, my heart breaks for him. He’s just like me, we both wanted a father, desperately. Mine was absent, and his was an everyday reminder that he was not wanted.
“I’m so sorry, Zander, I hate that he did that to you.”
It finally hits me that this man came here tonight needing me and my comfort, so I continue to kiss him, trying to take his pain away. I rise up and lie on top of him and make love to him all over again. But this time I want him to feel how much I want to be there for him.
When we’re done, we fall asleep in each other’s arms.
32
Murphy
Zander and I are sleeping peacefully until I hear the door open. Zander gets up to go see what’s going on.
“Zander, it’s just Kyle, he’ll be fine, go back to sleep.”
“I’m just going to go say hi. I don’t want to scare him if he tries to sneak into bed with you.”
I smile at that and go back to sleep. I awake again when I hear Zander’s voice getting louder. What the hell? I throw a robe on and walk into the living room.
“Kyle!”
I run to him when I see he has blood all over his face, and his clothes have been torn.
“Kyle, what happened?”
Zander says, “That’s what I’m trying to get out of him, too.”
“Kyle, tell me what happened.”
“Stop fussing. I was out with my friends, and then when we left, some guys grabbed me and dragged me off. They took me somewhere private and told me I needed to get you to leave or they were going to kill you. I tried, Murph. I told them I wouldn’t let them hurt you, but they kept hitting me and calling me names. It was like I was back in school.”
Kyle tries to laugh, but he cries out in pain. Zander rips the rest of Kyle’s shirt off and starts checking his ribs.
“Man, I don’t think they’re broken, but they’re definitely bruised. You’re going to have some pain for a while. I can call my doctor and have him take a look at you.”
I see red, my anger surfaces, and I yell out, “Get your fucking hands off him. I don’t want you or your doctor looking at him. Get your shit and get the hell out. Now!”
“What the hell, woman? I was just checking on him. What’s got into you?”
“I want you to leave, Zander, right now. I mean it this time, get the fuck out!”
“I didn’t do this, Murphy.”
“I don’t care, you, your brothers, your mother. Why does it matter who did this? It has to be one of you.”
“Why the hell would you think that?”
“You said it yourself, the other guy is on lockdown. So, who else could it be? Your family is the only other ones threatening me. I should have known better, but no, I let you come here and sweep me up in your bullshit again. Leave, Zander, I mean it, I never, ever want to see you again. I don’t even want to see you trying to come collect from me. Send someone else. That’s all I ask is that you never come near me again.”
He doesn’t move, he just stares at me. I can’t take it anymore, I run to the bedroom and collect all his things and go to the door. I open it and throw all his shit out into the hall.
“GET OUT!”
He finally listens and starts making his way to the door while watching me close. Then he turns and tells Kyle, “Look, man, I’m sorry this happened to you. I didn’t do it, and I don’t think my family did either. But I know how it looks, and I promise you I will find out who it was. I’ll make sure he pays for hurting you.”
He then turns and walks out the door. I slam the door and run to tend to Kyle.
Later, we return to the hotel from the hospital. Zander was right, none of Kyle’s ribs are broken, but they are badly bruised. He had to have a few stitches put on his cheek, and his face will take time for the bruising to leave. Overall, he was lucky it wasn’t worse.
I help Kyle into bed and tuck him in. “Hey, Princess, is there anything else I can do for you?”
He tries to chuckle at my attempt to lighten the mood, but he’s in too much pain for that.
“Murph, I’m going home. I want you to come with me, please?”
“Listen, Kyle, I don’t blame you for wanting to go home, and I actually think it’s for the best. But I’m going to stay, and before you try to argue, don’t, my mind is made up. I need to do this, I have to try because if not, I think I’ll always regret it. But I want you to go home knowing that I love you and you have done everything you could to help me. Plus, if things continue the way they are, it looks like I shouldn’t be too long behind you.”
As I go to stand, Kyle grabs my arm. “Please, Murph, I’m so scared for you.”
“It’s going to be okay, I promise. They haven’t come after me yet. I think they’re wanting to scare me to see what I’ll do next. It’s just games they’re playing to intimidate me.”
“Does my face look like a game to you, Murphy? They’re serious, and I don’t think it’s Zander or his family. Look, I know I’m not going to be able to convince you to come home, but would you please maybe stay near Zander? I think he would and can protect you.”
“Zander? Hell no! I know you want to believe in fairy tales, Kyle, but this isn’t one. He’s not Prince Charming. He and his family are not nice people. He’s the last one I need in my life. Your being hurt opened my eyes. I just wish they were opened before I fucked up again and slept with him tonight.”
“The drugs are starting to kick in, Murph, can we talk later? Come lay down with me.”
He’s right, the drugs are working; he slurred that last part. I lie down in bed with him till he falls asleep. Sleep takes me longer; my brain keeps wanting to kick my heart’s ass. I cannot believe how stupid I was to trust Zander the way I did tonight. Every fucking time I allow myself a minute of weakness or emotion, something happens to show me how fucking stupid I am. Even if I did want to be with Zander, his mother and family want to take everything from me. Hell, she even underhandedly threatened me. I can’t walk away, not after tonight, not after seeing what was in that box. For years, I was kept in the dark about my father. Tonight opened my eyes, discovering that he did love me. He wanted me to have the casino, and I want it. I want to be known as his daughter, and I want to stay put in the place that both my mother and father are from. I want to learn about my heritage. This is where I was supposed to be born and raised; not Jersey, here. I’m not walking away from everything I want and fucking deserve.
33
Zander
She fucking threw me out, I can’t believe it. No woman has ever thrown me out of their bed. None have been given the chance to be part of my life. She doesn’t want me? How the hell could she not want me? I’m not trying to be egotistical, but please, I am Zander fucking Stern, who wouldn’t want me? Murphy, that’s who. The most perfect woman I have ever met. The woman who just cut off my balls. Well, if she thinks she can get rid of m
e that easily, she has another thing coming. First, though, I need to see Forrest, and that means I have to call and see Theo. Fuck!
After going home, showering and getting dressed, I call Theo. When he picks up, I get straight to it. I don’t want to talk about anything else.
“Theo, I need to see Forrest now.”
“Well, hello to you, too, son.”
“Knock it off, Theo. I don’t need your shit, but I do need to see Forrest. Are you going to allow me to, or am I going to have to find where you have him myself?”
“Look, Zander, I’m going to let you see him, but not until you and I talk. And son, try as you might, you won’t find him. You’re good, my son, I will give you that, but I’m better.”
Fuck!
“Fine, let’s get this shit over with. When and where?”
“My office, in an hour.”
I hang up, not saying any more. I knew he was going to do this, but he’s right, Theo is very good at what he does. I know I wouldn’t find Forrest if Theo doesn’t want me to. I guess I’ll let him say his peace and then be on my way.
An hour later, I pull up to Theo’s office and it’s empty; I don’t see any guards or anyone. That’s unusual.
“Hey Theo, you here?”
“Yeah, come to the back.”
I cautiously walk to the back. It’s so weird to not see the building covered with Theo’s people, not even one guard is present.
Art of War Page 17
