I loved that about him. He had no qualms whatsoever about cracking stupid and sometimes even self-derogatory jokes just to make me smile. He was the carefree, silly person I’d always wished I could be. It was pretty remarkable, considering what he was up against, not to mention all he’d lost.
He’d probably had it easy before his accident – he was tall and good looking and, I imagined, had the world at his fingertips. But now it would be so easy for him to be bitter and angry. Instead, he was just…Chris.
I don’t know what came over me, but once our laughter died down I leaned over and wrapped my arms around his waist. It totally wasn’t like me to be so forward but there was something about that night that seemed magical, and if you can’t do something uncharacteristic on a magical night then when can you?
I leaned my head against Chris’s chest. It felt safe and warm there, like I was sheltered from the cruel, ugly world. I could hear his heart beating. I closed my eyes and breathed him in, feeling my own heart race as well.
“Hey.”
His voice was gentle. His fingertip was under my chin, gently prompting me to lift my head. I did and then Chris lowered his. Our lips met and for me, anyway, time stood still. No one had ever kissed me before – no one had wanted to.
Chris had probably kissed millions of girls before his accident (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little) because he was good at it. He was really good at it.
I felt myself come alive under his touch. Though I was apprehensive at first, afraid I might do something wrong, he was gentle and insistent. His lips caressed mine as his hand found its way into my long, dark hair. I gave into him, surrendering completely to the intimate act.
How could I not?
It was perfect.
It was everything I’d dreamed about my first kiss being…not even the romance novel heroes had anything on Chris. There wasn’t anyone I’d have rather had my first kiss with. Nobody made my heart pound and my stomach somersault the way he did. He woke up the butterflies in my stomach.
I was sad when the kiss was over, but also giddy with excitement. I’d never dreamed this would happen. I’d always resigned myself to the fact that I was hideous and unlovable because that was pretty much the message I’d gotten from the bullies at school year after year.
“I guess the fireworks are over,” Chris said, nodding in the direction of the now quiet sky.
I looked around. The horizon was black and starless, devoid of the fireworks that had, moments earlier, lit it up with brilliant flashes of color and light. The crowd had cleared out. Even the few people at the bottom of the hill had left.
“Oh,” I replied, feeling warm and flustered. “I hadn’t noticed.”
Chapter 06
The morning after my very first kiss was a difficult one.
When I’d come home after the fireworks, I’d been walking on air. I guess I’d had a big cheesy grin plastered on my face, too, because my mother had looked at me rather curiously before asking “What’s with you?”
It was rare for me to be out late given that I’d never had much of a social life. As sad as it sounds, it was probably just as rare for her to see me smiling. At some point I’d become a sullen, withdrawn grouch who kept to herself, preferring to hide in her room or at the library between the pages of a romance novel than face the world.
It seemed like only Chris could snap me out of my years-long funk.
My mother hadn’t looked at me the same since the incident in the parking lot. She’d been furious with me for losing control the way I had. When she’d met me at the police station that day, the very first thing she’d hissed at me was, “I taught you better than this!” And she was right – she had.
I knew better than to instigate violence, but in that moment I just hadn’t been able to help myself. I was like a caged animal that had been taunted with a stick one too many times. I’d snapped. Looking back, I felt bad about it, but not too bad. After all, those guys had been attacking me with words for years…was what I’d done really so different?
Apparently the law thought so. It didn’t matter that the bullies’ physical injuries would heal a lot quicker and easier than my emotional scars. I don’t mean to be melodramatic about it but that’s honestly the way it felt. Sometimes I wondered if I was damaged goods because, thanks to the years of abuse, I looked at the world with suspicion.
But I couldn’t complain too much about the community service I’d been ordered to complete. After all, it was thanks to my candy striper job at the hospital that I’d met Chris. In a strange and maybe slightly ironic way, the worst thing to ever happen to me had also been the best.
After our kiss beneath the fireworks I’d gone to bed feeling like I was on top of the world.
But by morning, my perspective had shifted.
I scrutinized my reflection in the bathroom mirror with disdain. My green eyes stared back at me warily, as though they knew I was about to rip myself apart. My long brown hair was a little messy, shrouding my face like a veil. I pushed it aside and there it was in all its ugliness: the huge red birthmark that took up nearly the entire left side of my face.
It didn’t hurt but it looked awful, discolored and bumpy.
On my first day of school some kids had stared at me in horror and asked if I’d been burned. Of course, even at that young age they’d known better than to say anything within earshot of the teacher. What’s the world coming to when even angelic looking five year olds instinctively know how to rip one of their own to shreds without being caught?
I’d tried to comb my hair in a side part to attempt to hide the left side of my face. But then a few kids started daring each other to run past me and yank it out of the way, exposing my embarrassing deformation for everyone to gawk at.
Others made up a nasty rumor that I had some kind of deadly, contagious disease and warned everyone to keep their distance. And that’s how I came to eat my lunch alone in a deserted bathroom every single day until I finished high school.
I haven’t mentioned the spit balls thrown at the back of my head or the mean notes taped to my locker on a regular basis. Then there were the nicknames: Pizza Face, Zombie Girl, you name it, really. School was hell. My childhood and adolescence were hell. There were good parts too, mind you, but looking back it feels like everything else was overshadowed by the bullying. In retrospect, it makes me feel cheated.
I could have told my teachers or mother about it, but I didn’t. I was embarrassed, so I pretended it wasn’t happening. It was easier to do that than deal with all the unwanted attention I knew I’d get if I got my bullies in trouble. Surely that would have only increased my humiliation…and quite possibly made the bullying worse, too.
As I glowered at my reflection in the mirror, hateful tears welled up in my eyes. I’d fooled a blind guy into kissing me – how pathetic is that?
I hadn’t deliberately kept the deformity a secret from Chris, but then again I hadn’t exactly been in any hurry to tell him about it. Why would I be? He was the only person who didn’t see my ugly red birthmark and immediately judge me because of it. He probably had some unrealistic idea in his mind of what I looked like, whether he realized it or not. He probably thought I was beautiful or something.
Last night when he’d kissed me for a moment I’d actually felt beautiful. I’d felt like what I imagine a normal nineteen – almost twenty – year old girl feels like. I wasn’t wracked with self-doubt or plagued by insecurity. I was just an ordinary girl kissing a fantastic guy who made her swoon.
It had been easy, sitting there in the blackness, to momentarily pretend I was just a normal girl. Under the cover of darkness, I’d been able to forget about the birthmark for a few precious moments. It had been liberating.
But now, standing under the harsh florescent light in the cramped bathroom, staring in the mirror, reality had set back in.
I felt foolish for even allowing myself to think I might have something with Chris. Yeah he was legally blind, but when it reall
y came down to it, I was the disabled one. It sounds trite when I say it but I was the one crippled by a stupid little problem whereas he refused to let his misfortune drag him down.
He was way out of my league in every single way.
Even if he couldn’t see it, everyone else could. I could. I was ashamed that I’d ever deluded myself into thinking otherwise.
There was a voicemail from Chris on my phone that day asking to meet up but I didn’t call him back. In fact, I didn’t even finish listening to his message before I abruptly hung up the phone. I would listen to it in its entirety eventually, but first I needed some time to figure out what on earth I was going to do.
How could I tell him I wanted us to go back to just being friends when that was a blatant lie?
Chapter 07
“It’s about time you return my call!” Chris’s voice on the other end of the phone scolded. He didn’t sound seriously upset, but I nonetheless felt bad. I’d ignored his repeated voicemails for nearly a week. I knew to him, it must seem strange.
“Sorry,” I mumbled sheepishly. “I’ve been busy.”
“Well get un-busy!” Chris instructed. “We need a cheesecake date immediately.”
I winced when he called it a date. I still didn’t know how I was going to deal with the aftermath of our kiss. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I had no idea what to say. I’d ruled out telling him I wasn’t interested – not only was it a lie but it would also be hurtful. I cared too much to hurt him.
I’d reluctantly settled on telling him the truth, even if it caused me pain to do it.
“Are you still there?” Chris asked.
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “I’m here.”
“Well muster up some enthusiasm!” he ordered, sounding like a good natured drill sergeant. “You loved that cheesecake just as much as I did…right?”
“Yeah, it was good.”
“Good? I have dreams about that cheesecake,” he joked and then lowered his voice to a stage whisper and added, “Sexy dreams! Have I said too much? Alright, I’ve probably said too much. Anyway, what time are you done at the hospital today?”
“Eight.”
“Perfect. I’ll meet you at the cheesecake place at eight then.”
“Okay.” As I hung up the phone I noticed my hands were clammy. Since the first day I’d met him, I’d always looked forward to seeing Chris. He brought something out in me that I loved. He made me feel like the person I wished I was instead of myself. He turned me into a version of myself that was better in every way.
But this time I wasn’t at all eager to spend time with him. Instead, I was dreading what I knew I had to do. I knew dreams can’t last forever. It was time to come clean.
Chapter 08
My mind was a million miles away as I stared out the window, not saying much. Chris had been filling the silence for the past few minutes but I was barely even listening. I was too worried about what I knew was to come.
“So my sister had her baby a few days ago – I’m an uncle! It’s a boy.”
My attention snapped back to Chris, the view outside the window quickly forgotten. “That’s exciting!” I replied, forcing my voice to sound upbeat. “What’s the baby’s name?”
“Andrew. My nephew’s name is Andrew. I have a nephew!” Chris appeared to swell with pride as he said this. I could tell he was thrilled to be an uncle and his enthusiasm was pretty endearing. It made me want to reach out and hug him, but of course, I couldn’t…not when I was about to drop a bomb on him.
“That’s pretty cool.”
“It sure is. Hopefully I’ll get to meet him soon. Maybe you could come with me. Uh…what’s wrong with you?” Chris asked. We were sitting in a booth waiting for our server to bring us the cheesecake we’d ordered. I was gloomy-eyed and fiddling nervously with my necklace. Even though Chris couldn’t see any of that, he could tell something was off.
He’d kissed me hello when his taxi had dropped him off and after that I’d just shut down. I felt like I was about to lose my nerve. If I didn’t tell him now about the birthmark I might chicken out completely. Part of me wanted to keep the lie going as long as I could just so I could be with Chris, but I knew that wasn’t fair to him.
“Nothing,” I said, “but Chris, we need to talk.”
“Yeah!” he agreed. “We do! That’s why I asked you to meet up with me. There’s something pretty important I need to tell you and I kind of wanted to say it in person.”
I braced myself, trying to prepare for whatever came out of his mouth next. It could go either way, I figured. Either he’d profess his love for me and make what I was about to tell him even more awkward or else he’d kindly tell me the kiss had been a mistake and he only thought of me as a friend.
Neither scenario was ideal, but I was determined not to flinch no matter what he said.
Except what came out of Chris’s mouth next was something I hadn’t anticipated at all.
“You know that clinical trial I was supposed to take part in?” he asked. “Well I met with the specialist who’s in charge of it about a week ago. He assessed me and flat out told me there’s no way he can accept me as a participant.”
“Oh wow, Chris…I’m really sorry.” Suddenly I felt like an ass for being so self-absorbed. Chris had more important things to think about than the status of our relationship. Duh!
But there was something off about the way Chris was delivering the news. He didn’t seem disappointed in the least. In fact, his voice was cheerful and there might have even been a little twinge of hopefulness in there.
“Don’t be sorry,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. He paused. At first I thought he was doing it for dramatic effect, just to be silly. But then I realized his hands were shaking. It was difficult to resist the urge to reach out and touch him, whispering soothing words while my fingers became entwined with his.
Chris sat up straighter. “The specialist told me about a colleague of his in Norway who’s developed some new techniques. They have a cutting edge laser there that hasn’t even made it through the clinical trial phase in the United States yet. But his colleague, Dr. Torje, has been treating patients for almost a year. The specialist here forwarded my file to Dr. Torje and…”
Chris took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing.
“This is new,” he said, rambling a bit. “It’s brand new technology. I shouldn’t get my hopes up because I’ve gotten my hopes up before and that’s never good but…Michelle,” he said, becoming unusually serious, “They told me there’s a good chance they can restore my vision.”
I swallowed hard.
“I leave the day after tomorrow,” Chris said.
“Wow, that’s fast…Norway, huh?”
“Yeah, I know. I’ll be there for about two weeks so the doc can monitor my progress and make sure everything is stable before sending me back home to heal. I wish you could come with me.”
That took me by surprise. “Yeah well…community service isn’t optional,” I reminded him.
He grinned. “My girlfriend the felon!” he joked as our server brought us our cheesecake. He dug in and then furrowed his brow and abruptly set his fork down. “Was calling you my girlfriend just now a major faux pas?” he asked. “I mean, I don’t even really know what to call you anymore…”
“About that,” I said quietly, not wanting to detract from Chris’s good news. “I haven’t quite been honest with you. I mean, I haven’t lied, exactly,” I quickly clarified, “but there’s something about me that you should know.”
He leaned forward, cheesecake forgotten. “I’m listening.”
I took a deep breath and then just blurted it out. “I have a big birthmark on my face.”
For a moment Chris didn’t’ seem to know whether I was joking or serious. I saw a hint of a smile playing on his lips but then he quickly suppressed it. “Is that all?” he asked, reaching for his fork again.
“No, seriously,” I told him, wanting to impress u
pon him just how hideous it truly was. “It’s massive and red and ugly and no matter how much makeup I put on it I can’t ever completely hide it.”
Chris shrugged. “Okay,” he said agreeably.
I stared at him. “Okay?” I repeated. “That’s it? Look, Chris…maybe you think I’m being self-depreciating in the cutesy way that pretty girls fish for compliments. But I can assure you I’m not fishing for compliments nor am I a pretty girl.”
Chris still looked unconcerned. “I know you’re not fishing for compliments,” he assured me. “I mean, I’ll tell you you’re pretty if you want me to but coming from me,” he said, gesturing to his eyes, “It might not mean that much to you. But I can vouch for you being drop dead gorgeous on the inside.”
I raised an eyebrow, ignoring the compliment. “Seriously, that’s what you have to say about it?”
Through a mouthful of cheesecake, he replied, “That depends. Do you want me to tell you how much I love your twisted sense of humor and the way you laugh and that perfume you always wear? Do you want me to tell you how talking to you is always the highlight of my day and when I’m not with you I’m constantly reminded of you? Because I can do that if you want. Otherwise, yes, that’s all I have to say about it.”
I was floored. “Chris,” I warned, feeling my cheeks redden and a warm glow spread over me as his words sunk in, “What if you get your vision back?”
“Then I’ll finally be able to see you smile and look you in the eye before I kiss you,” he said quietly. “That’s all I really want.”
Tears pricked at my eyes. “What if you don’t want to kiss me?” I asked in a tiny voice, setting my fork down on the table with a noisy clatter.
He reached out his hand, searching for mine. I reluctantly took it and he gave me an affectionate squeeze before tracing his fingertip along the inside of my wrist. “I will want to,” he assured me with so much confidence that I nearly believed him. “I’ll always want to kiss you.”
I tried once again to explain the profound ugliness of my birthmark to him but he wasn’t having it. He cut me off with a kiss. His hand slid further up my arm as he leaned across the table, reeling me in until our lips met.
Love Is Blind Page 5
