I raised an eyebrow. “I terrified you?”
“Maybe this doesn’t make sense but the power you had over me was terrifying. When I was blind I depended on you to give me a reason to go on. But as time went on I knew you could singlehandedly destroy me and send me back to that dark place I was in after the accident.”
“But I never would have done that.”
“I know. I tried to tell myself that every day but fear can be an awful thing. The harder I tried to just be myself around you the more it felt like I was forcing it. I wish I could do it all over,” Chris muttered. “There are so many things I’d change. I was so afraid of losing you that I pushed you away. How’s that for crazy? Please, just know how sorry I am.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry too. I might have let my insecurities get the best of me.”
“You know I think you’re beautiful, right?” he murmured, his voice growing tender. “It was never about that. I’ve always been attracted to you, before and after I could see you. You’re perfect just the way you are. You’re the one I want.”
When I looked away, it was Chris’s turn to sigh.
“You don’t believe me, do you?”
“I want to,” I said sadly.
“What part don’t you believe?”
“The flattery,” I replied instantaneously. “Sometimes I wish I didn’t know about your past and the person you used to be. You said yourself that you’d tell girls exactly what they needed to hear in order to get what you wanted from them. It’s hard to let that go. I want to believe what you’re saying but I can’t. Not completely.”
“You don’t think people can change,” he nodded as a look of understanding came over him.
“You’re right,” I admitted regretfully.
“I know I could tell you that you’re mistaken until I’m blue in the face but it won’t do any good. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, Michelle. I wish you could know how much I care. But I won’t waste your time. Thanks for hearing me out and I hope someday you’ll forgive me for screwing everything up.”
Chris’s hand was resting on his thigh. All I could do was look at it and think about how it had felt when it was stroking my face, cupping my breast, caressing my most intimate flesh…
A warm blush spread over me. I wanted to take his hand and never let go. But I couldn’t take that risk…not when I still wasn’t sure I could trust him. Instead, I stuck my hands in my pockets and studied my sneakers.
“You should also know,” he said softly, “that I didn’t come to your house that night planning to have sex with you. I put the condom in my pocket just in case, but I didn’t have some master plan for getting in your pants, I promise.”
“Okay,” I replied unconvincingly. I just didn’t know what to think anymore.
Chris stood up. “Well, I guess I should go,” he said, sounding as reluctant as I felt. I didn’t want him to go but what purpose would my asking him to stay serve? It would only prolong the inevitable agony of saying goodbye.
He began to walk away.
“So your visit with your sister,” I blurted out, startling myself. “Was it good?”
I’d always sensed Chris’s regret when he spoke about the distance between him and his sister. Whenever he talked about his childhood he always mentioned her with a deep nostalgia in his voice that made it clear they’d once been very close. I knew he desperately wanted to mend the rift between them and, for his sake, I hoped he had.
Chris stopped walking and turned around to face me. There was a peace reflected in his handsome face that I’d never seen before. “It was great,” he told me, practically beaming. “We sat up with the baby and talked all night long. I couldn’t have asked for more. She invited me back for another visit next month…I can hardly wait.”
I smiled with tears in my eyes. “I’m happy for you.”
His brow furrowed. “I forgot, my mom says to tell you hi. You really made an impression on her, you know.”
“I did? But I hardly spent any time with her at the airport.”
“Yeah well I guess I talked about you a lot,” he shrugged. “I’m pretty sure she fell in love with you before she’d even been properly introduced to you. You seem to have that effect on people,” he added wistfully. “But anyway…I was leaving.”
“I’m glad you stopped by.”
“Me too – I almost didn’t. I guess luck was on my side. Oh, that reminds me…” He stuck his hand into his pocket and fished something out. “I should return this to you.”
I held out my hand and he deposited something into my palm. I looked down at it and my breath caught in my throat. It was the lucky penny I’d given Chris what felt like a million years ago. “You’ve kept it all this time?” I marvelled, tracing my fingertip over its familiar, worn surface.
“Of course,” he replied. “I slept with it under my pillow. But anyway, I’m off. Take care of yourself, Michelle.”
I looked up at him. “You really slept with it under your pillow?”
“Yes, every night.”
“You’re not even superstitious.”
“No. I guess I just liked having something of yours close to me,” he said sheepishly.
I stood up and extended my arm. “You should keep it,” I told Chris, depositing the penny I’d cherished for years into his hand. “I hope it brings you luck.” I really meant it, too.
Our fingers brushed as I handed the penny to Chris and it hurt to think that it was probably the very last time we’d ever touch. The only thing that eased the pain was the knowledge that a part of me would always be with him.
Chapter 22
After some soul searching, I rebooked the consultation appointment with the plastic surgeon.
And then I canceled it again.
I kept thinking about all those sick and injured patients I’d seen in the hospital when I’d been doing my community service. I couldn’t get the images of the tiny, pale children in wheelchairs out of my head. I couldn’t get the image of Chris alone and restless in a gloomy hospital room as his life passed him by out of my head.
Did I truly want to risk complications just to have a cosmetic procedure? I knew it was something routine and fairly standard, but I also knew major surgery comes with the risk of serious complications. What if I ended up even more disfigured? What if they put me to sleep and I never woke up? My mind raced as I thought of all the things that could possibly go wrong.
Was I even considering plastic surgery for the right reasons? Maybe being birthmark-free would change my life…or maybe it wouldn’t. For all I knew I could get my face fixed and still spend the rest of my life alone and feeling inadequate. There were no guarantees.
That’s the thing. There are no guarantees in life.
But I knew one thing for sure. If I had any hope of keeping my third consultation appointment, I needed to feel like luck was on my side. Maybe it was silly, but I was certain I’d feel better having the lucky penny on me when I returned to the clinic.
Or maybe it was just my subconscious telling me to give in and go see Chris.
I still missed him.
I caught a bus, got off at the closest stop and then walked the rest of the way to Chris’s mother’s house. I’d only been there once before in the cab the night of the fireworks, but I found it with relative ease. It was the only house on the block with a wheelchair ramp out front, so it was recognizable enough.
And there was a moving van out front.
Standing there on the street, I hesitated, watching uncertainly as the movers carried a couch and an armoire out of the house and loaded both into the back of their van. “This was a bad idea,” I whispered aloud as I tried to talk myself into leaving. “Just go.”
“Michelle?”
I turned.
Chris stood in the doorway of the house looking quizzically at me. When he got a look at my face, a broad smile broke out over his face, he set down the box in his arms and he jogged toward me. “I wasn’t sure if that was you
or if it was just my wishful thinking,” he confessed.
“You’re moving?”
“Yeah, it’s been a long time coming. I bought a condo and had a new house built for my mom.”
I blinked, thinking I must have misheard. “You did what?”
He shrugged. “I guess I never mentioned it because when I was blind all the money in the world didn’t seem to matter. But I got a settlement after my accident…a big one. A drunk driver hit the car I was in that night,” he explained.
My jaw was probably on the ground by that point. I just stared at him for a moment, stunned into silence, before admitting, “I always assumed from the way you talked that you caused the accident. You said you had no business being out there driving…”
“I didn’t. My buddy and I took his dad’s brand new car without permission and kind of…went joyriding. It was stupid. He walked away from it but I took a bunch of glass shards to the eyes. We shouldn’t have been there, plain and simple.”
“But the crash…wasn’t your fault?”
“No.”
“And you’re like, rich now?”
“You could say that.”
“Huh.” I’d been blown away to simply have my college tuition – or plastic surgery funds – in my bank account. Never in my life had I seen that many zeros on a bank statement before. To think that Chris had enough money to build his mother a new house and buy a condo for himself was mindboggling.
“So what brings you here?” he asked.
“This is silly but please just humor me,” I said. I took a deep breath and then confessed, “I need to borrow the lucky penny.”
Without a word, Chris fished it out of his pocket and handed it to me. “I still carry it with me,” he admitted, sounding embarrassed. “Mind if I ask what you need to borrow it for? No wait, let me guess…hot date?”
He said the words lightheartedly but I could see the heaviness weighing his broad shoulders down. It felt good to know he was jealous and maybe even a little scared. I realized that I actually wanted him to be territorial about it, as though I still belonged to him and he’d fight to keep me.
“No, actually I’m thinking of getting plastic surgery on, you know…my face.”
His reaction was a peculiar one. He looked surprised and then, oddly enough, disappointed. “I know it’s not my place and I have no right to say this but are you sure it’s what you want to do?” he asked with concern. “Surgery is a pretty big deal, you know.”
“I know.”
He looked like he wanted to say more but instead merely bit his lip. “Do you want to come inside?” he finally asked, gesturing to the house. “It’s kind of a mess with boxes all over the place, but…”
“No, I’d better go,” I replied a bit too fast. “Thanks for the penny. I’ll return it soon.”
“Okay, I’ll text you my new address. Uh, do you still have the same phone number?”
“Yes.”
The thought that I would have changed my number without telling Chris stung a bit. What stung even more was the fact that life was moving on for both of us. It felt like we were simply two ships passing in the night, no longer one vessel united.
Without any further ado I turned and walked off. I clutched the penny tightly in my fist, savoring the way it felt slightly warm from Chris’s body heat. It was the next best thing to touching him.
Even though I was leaving, my heart didn’t feel quite as heavy as I’d expected it to. It helped, knowing that I’d be returning the penny shortly. That meant I’d see him again soon. I was already looking forward to it.
“Huh,” I whispered to myself as I hurried away, turning the penny over in my hand like it was made of diamonds and gold. “He still carries it around in his pocket.”
Chapter 23
That night I slept with the penny underneath my pillow. It’s what Chris told me he’d done and doing it myself made me feel connected with him, like we still shared something. I couldn’t get past the way he cherished that rusted penny so dearly simply because it was important to me.
It wasn’t the sort of thing a selfish, smooth-talking asshole could fake.
I’d like to say I dreamed romantic, lusty dreams of Chris that night, but I didn’t. Instead, I dreamed about dancing toasters. It’s best if you don’t try to analyze it. Sometimes my subconscious can be a very peculiar thing.
The next morning I was supposed to have my consultation with the plastic surgeon. I rolled out of bed a little later than I’d intended and ran a brush through my hair. I didn’t spend much time on my appearance. The doctor, I reasoned, had seen it all before. Besides, I was pretty sure he was going to draw all over my face with one of those black markers like you see on TV. How’s that for attractive?
In a rush, I hurried out the front door…and nearly tripped over Chris.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded as I stumbled forward and instinctively grabbed hold of his shoulder to steady myself.
He stood up from where he’d been seated on the step and brushed off the back of his jeans. “I was asking myself the same thing,” he told me. “Coming over here seemed like a good idea at the time but the longer I sat here waiting for you to come out, the more doubts I had.”
“Why didn’t you just ring the doorbell?”
“It’s early. I didn’t want to wake your mom if she was home.”
“When is she ever home?” I replied wryly.
“Have you told her about the plastic surgery?”
“No.”
“Shouldn’t you? I mean, won’t you need someone to help you out while you’re recovering?”
I shrugged. “I guess. Chris, why are you here?”
“Can I come in?”
Stating the obvious, I pointed out, “I’m just leaving.”
“Do you have a class now?”
“A class…no, I dropped out of college.” Saying the words aloud made me feel like a failure.
Chris wasn’t able to hide his surprise. “That doesn’t sound like you,” he observed. “You’ve been talking about going to college for as long as I’ve known you. Why did you drop out?”
“Plastic surgery isn’t exactly cheap.”
“No, I suppose not. Is that where you’re headed to now?”
“My consultation appointment is this morning.”
“Just give me five minutes,” he insisted. “Then I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.”
“Alright, fine. Come in.”
As soon as we walked into the entryway, I had a flashback to the very first time I’d brought Chris inside my house. I could practically smell the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies…and feel his lips on mine. A warm glow spread over me as I recalled the evening I’d never forget.
“Can I sit?” he asked, gesturing to the couch.
“Sure.”
Not wanting to sit down, I perched awkwardly on the edge of the coffee table across from him. Sitting next to him on the couch would be too reminiscent of the morning I’d thrown the cereal bowl at his head in a fit of wounded rage. I felt dumb for lashing out like that and the last thing I wanted was to remind Chris of my embarrassing conduct.
He looked at me, his long legs stretched out in front of him. “I’ve been through a lot of surgeries,” he reminded me. “They aren’t pleasant.”
“Okay…?”
“If getting plastic surgery is your dream or something, then I don’t want to crush it,” he explained. “I’ll support you no matter what your decision is. I hope you know that. It’s just that…when we were together you never talked about it, not even once. I didn’t know you were even considering it.”
“Me neither.”
“Well…what changed?”
I shrugged.
Chris took a deep breath and gave me an apologetic look. “This might sound incredibly self-absorbed and pretentious,” he warned me. “If it does, please know that’s not what I’m shooting for. I just…don’t know any other way to say it.”
&
nbsp; “Just say it.”
“Alright…um, basically I’m just here because I can’t shake the feeling that maybe I have something to do with your decision,” he said. “Maybe if I’d just told you how I was feeling and that falling for you terrified me, you wouldn’t have assumed my behavior had to do with seeing your birthmark.”
“I probably would have,” I confessed. “I’ve been insecure about it for as long as I can remember, to tell the truth.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want your pity. I just wanted to be normal for once. And when I was with you, back before you could see me, I got to feel like any other girl.”
“You’re not like any other girl,” Chris interjected. “You’re one of a kind, Michelle.”
I looked at him. “Did you really come all the way over here just to make sure I wasn’t having surgery for the wrong reasons?”
“Yes. Well, no.”
“Well then what…?”
Chris traced his hand lightly over the armrest of the couch, suddenly taking far more interest in it than was warranted. Then he looked up at me. “This might be completely out of line,” he said, “but I was hoping you’d go on a date with me.”
“Chris –”
He held up a hand, signalling he wasn’t finished yet. “It would be me as me and you as you. No secrets…no false pretenses. I know you don’t trust me because of the guy I used to be but I want to try to prove to you that I really have changed. Please, can we just put the past behind us and try to start over?”
In a quiet voice, I confessed, “I was wrong.”
“You were wrong about what?”
“People can change,” I said, my fingers running lightly over the lucky penny in my pocket.
“You think I’ve changed?” he asked hopefully.
I nodded. The proof was in the penny. Chris really cared. He always had.
“Does that mean…?”
“Yes. It means yes. I’d love to go on a date with you.”
Chapter 24
The receptionist at the plastic surgeon’s office was a little snarky with me when I called to reschedule my consultation appointment yet again. Normally knowing I’d annoyed someone would bother me tremendously, but I was in too much of a daze to care.
Love Is Blind Page 13
