The softly uttered words, voiced in resignation rather than excitement or anticipation, did little to help with his lack of arousal. Christ, he had never bedded a woman who hadn’t been an eager and willing participant. The situation was as awkward and uncomfortable for him as it was for her. She had to understand that, didn’t she? He stared upward, into the darkness. “I’m not certain…” he faltered, clearing his throat. “That is, I don’t know if I can…” Mortified, he let the sentence trail off, assuming she would understand.
“If you can…?” Melody wasn’t sure what he meant. Did he mean that he couldn’t go through with it? Or was it something else?
Gavin heard the uncertainty in her voice and it gave him pause. Was she that naive? Did she truly not understand his problem? An unwelcome thought entered his mind. No, that was impossible, ridiculous. Who would be cruel enough to send a virgin, an innocent, into a situation like this? He shook his head, disgusted and appalled. A madman, that’s who, someone capable of kidnapping, someone capable of murder. Bloody hell! He had to ask. “Forgive me for asking, but have you ever…been with a man before?”
Melody thoughts whirled. Was he asking her if she was a virgin? Yes, of course he was, how could he possibly know whether or not she was experienced? She hadn’t thought of that, that he might assume she wasn’t a virgin. But then again, what difference would it make to him? “No,” she answered honestly.
Gavin groaned internally. If possible, their situation had just gotten infinitely more difficult than it already was.
“Does it…matter?”
“No, I suppose not.” He sighed, the sound long and drawn out. “It is just that…well…there are certain things that you probably are not…familiar with.”
“I understand how copulation works,” she murmured, her cheeks flaming in embarrassment. Thankfully her utter mortification was hidden by the darkness.
Thank heaven for that at least. “I see. But do you understand that a man needs to be aroused, before he can… perform?” Gavin had never felt so uncomfortable in all his life.
“Oh.” She wasn’t exactly sure what he meant. She felt like a simpleton. What was required for a man to become aroused? She didn’t recall that her mother had spoken of that. But of course how could she have known that her daughter would lose her virginity, not to her husband who would surely guide her in the process, but to a complete stranger instead. “I’m sorry, I d-didn’t realize.” She hated that she was stuttering, but she couldn’t seem to help it. She’d known that it would be difficult, coupling with a stranger, but if possible it was going to be even harder than she had imagined. Oh how she hated Charles at that moment, hated him with every fiber of her being. Hate, it was an emotion she had never felt before, something she had never truly understood. But now, now she understood the feeling only too well. God forgive her, but she hated Charles for doing this to her, and to the man lying beside her in the darkness.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Gavin told her, shaking his head in silent frustration. Once he was free, he would hunt the madman who had done this to the ends of the earth if it was the last thing he ever did. And when he found him, he would make him pay. “It’s just that… well,” he cleared his throat, dreadfully embarrassed by what he was saying. “I may need your assistance.”
“M-my assistance?” She was stuttering again.
She sounded so hesitant and unsure, her soft voice revealing not only her uncertainty, but also her fear. He didn’t want her to be afraid. It made him feel like a monster. “Christ, I don’t think I can do this,” he muttered miserably.
She heard the anguish in his voice, and surprisingly it comforted her. Whoever he was, this stranger lying beside her, he was a good person. He didn’t want to be in this awful situation any more than she did. But they were in it, and like it or not, they were in it together. “We must,” Melody said, her voice stronger now. “Please, just tell me what to do.”
Gavin sighed. She was right. They had no choice. “Will you give me your hand?”
In answer, Melody rolled slightly onto her side toward him and lifted her right hand. “Here.” She reached out, and a moment later felt his warm fingers close around her own.
“I need you to touch me,” he said gently, and slowly lowered her hand to his groin.
Melody fought the instinctive urge to pull back when she felt her fingers brush against the skin of his manhood, and instead allowed him to guide her.
“Like this.” Gavin moved her hand within his, demonstrating the gentle, stroking motion.
Melody was somewhat familiar with the male anatomy, having helped care for her brother when he was younger, but this was an entirely different experience altogether. Despite her apprehension, she felt a slight hint of curiosity. His flesh was surprisingly soft and smooth, not hard and rigid as she’d imagined. Perhaps that was what he had meant. He had to be aroused in order for that to happen.
“Close your fingers around me,” Gavin instructed, and then began to move her hand slowly back and forth when she complied. After she’d grasped the gentle rhythm, he released her hand. “Yes, like that.”
They were quiet for a minute, as Melody continued to repeat the motion he’d taught her. As she did, his manhood seemed to grow larger. In wonder, she felt it lengthen and thicken beneath her fingers. What had once been soft and flaccid was gradually becoming stiff and firm. She measured its size with her fingers as she continued her steady strokes, realizing how large it had suddenly become. Good heavens, how on earth was her body to withstand such an invasion? She felt the fear creeping up on her again and struggled to keep it at bay. Men and women are designed this way for a purpose she told herself, trying desperately to believe it.
Gavin’s emotions vacillated between pleasure and self-loathing as the young woman’s soft caresses stimulated his arousal. He felt his erection grow hard under her delicate fingers. That he could be aroused in a situation such as this, and so quickly even, was both surprising and utterly detestable. What kind of man was he? Determinedly, he forced the thought from his mind, for now was not the time for self-reflection. His sister’s life was at stake, and right now that was what mattered most. “You can stop now. I am ready.”
Her hand stilled at once at the gentle command. Slowly, Melody rolled onto her back, her body tensing in apprehension.
“Would you like me to… help prepare you?” Gavin had bedded more women than he could count over the years, yet once again he felt like a discomfited adolescent.
If possible, her body tensed even more at the suggestion. Prepare her, what on earth did that mean? Would he touch her, like she had touched him? Down there? The thought caused her heart to skip a beat. Oh lord, she didn’t think she could handle having him touch her like that. The thought was absolutely mortifying. “No, I…I am prepared,” she said quickly, a little too quickly perhaps.
Gavin noted the sudden panic in her voice and sought to calm her. “It might make it easier for you, that is all. With this being your first time, I just…I do not want to hurt you anymore than is necessary.” Then again, she was so obviously nervous and afraid that it probably wouldn’t help anyhow. He doubted she could relax enough to respond to any sort of foreplay, and certainly not enough to enjoy it. Perhaps it was best to get on with it. Keep it short and simple so to speak. Not his usual style by any means, but their current circumstance was anything but usual.
“I will be fine,” she assured him. “I understand that there will be pain the first time, but I can endure it.” She hoped it was true.
Endure, that certainly wasn’t a term he was accustomed to hearing from his bed partners. It was a bit like being doused with cold water. He sighed. He supposed he had best get on with it before he lost his erection all together. “Alright then.” Turning onto his side, he reached out his hand and felt a thin layer of fabric against her thigh and realized that she hadn’t removed her chemise. It hardly mattered. He pushed it upward, feeling the soft, smooth texture of her skin beneat
h his hand, the flesh of her thigh taut and firm.
Melody tried not to flinch at his touch, keeping her body still with the sheer strength of her willpower. He moved above her, easing her legs apart with the gentle pressure of his knee. She felt his manhood, hot and hard against her as he settled between her thighs. She recalled the size of it in her hand and silently prayed that it wouldn’t rend her in two. She felt the tip of it nudge against the opening between her legs and bit down anxiously on her lower lip.
“Try to relax,” Gavin coaxed softly, as he pressed against her soft cleft.
She tried not to tense as he exerted the slightest bit of pressure, pushing ever so slowly into her tight virginal passage with obvious difficulty. Perhaps she should have allowed him to prepare her like he’d suggested, but it was too late now. Despite her fear, and the increasing discomfort, she opened her legs wider, trying to make it easier for him and to get it over with as quickly as possible.
Gritting his teeth, Gavin did his best to go as slowly as possible, pressing into her bit by bit, allowing her body to adjust to his entry and to accommodate his size. It wasn’t easy. Finally he could progress no further. “Ready?”
“Yes, I’m ready.” She drew in a deep breath and clenched her teeth.
With one forceful thrust, Gavin breeched the barrier of her virginity.
Melody gasped in pain as he drove the full length of his manhood into her, gripping the sheets in her clenched fists as tears stung her eyes.
“Jesus, I’m sorry,” he said, knowing that he was hurting her and hating himself for it. He remained motionless; hoping the worst of the pain would subside quickly.
His voice, heavy with anguish and remorse was touching. Though he might not be in physical pain, she realized that he too was suffering. Releasing her grip on the sheet, she tried to relax. The initial pain gradually began to subside, giving way to a slightly more tolerable feeling of discomfort. After a moment, she raised her hand and touched her fingertips lightly to his cheek. It was smooth and clean-shaven. “Don’t be sorry. This isn’t your fault.”
Her soft whisper and gentle touch were both soothing and heartbreaking. He rested his weight on his elbow, closing his eyes as her fingers moved gently along the line of his jaw. Who was this woman seeking to comfort him, when she was so obviously the one in pain? He opened his eyes, wishing he could see her face, and hating the darkness that hid it from him. He remained still, afraid to move and cause her more pain. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know.” She dropped her hand back to the sheet and tried to keep her breathing slow and even.
“Is it bearable?” he asked, shifting his weight slightly.
“The worst has passed,” she assured him, though in reality she had no way of knowing if that were true.
“You will tell me to stop, if it becomes too much for you?”
“Yes.”
He began to move then, ever so slowly, the slightest bit forward and then back. She waited for the searing pain to begin again, but thankfully it seemed that the worst of it had in fact passed. The effect of his movements wasn’t exactly pleasant, but it wasn’t agonizing either.
Gradually Gavin increased the length and tempo of his thrusts, listening for the slightest indication of pain from the woman beneath him. It became easier as her body’s natural response began to take effect. She eventually grew moist, allowing him to move more freely and with less friction.
Melody was surprised as his gentle thrusting became smoother and more fluid. Her body didn’t seem to be as resistant to his penetration as it had at first. She began to relax, thankful that the pain seemed to have subsided. Yes, she could endure this she thought with relief. Well, she amended, she could endure it physically, emotionally was another matter entirely. She tried not to think about it, losing her virginity to a nameless, faceless stranger, but it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. A woman’s innocence should be given to her husband, the man she loved and who loved her. Her parents had that kind of relationship. She had always imagined that someday she would have that too, but instead, she’d set aside the romantic notions of her youth when she had agreed to wed Charles Cavendish. Now, here in this dark room, those romantic notions were not just set aside, but completely shattered. It was that, more than anything else that caused the tears to fall from her eyes and roll slowly down her cheeks.
Not wanting to prolong her discomfort, Gavin finished as quickly as he could, spilling his seed a short time later. However, instead of the gratifying release he usually felt at that point, he instead felt an odd sense of loss. He had always been careful in the past, not wishing to father a handful of illegitimate children like so many of his peers were apt to do. And now, here he was at twenty-four, being forced to father a child against his will, a child he would never know. Damn it to hell! He lowered his head in silent frustration, inadvertently brushing the side of his cheek against hers as he did. He felt the dampness of her tears against his skin, and his anger and frustration were immediately replaced with guilt. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you,” he said, his voice full of remorse as he lifted his head. Rolling off of her and onto his side, he instinctively raised his hand to her face, catching one of her tears as his thumb brushed lightly against her cheek. “Please don’t cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” Melody assured him, though her voice was barely a whisper. “It’s just…” Her voice trailed off. How could she put her feelings, her emotions into words? “It’s just…” She tried again, and then choked back a sob, unable to continue.
Her obvious pain and emotional anguish nearly broke Gavin’s heart. He wanted to comfort her, but what could he say? What could he do? He brushed another tear from her cheek, and then hesitantly he lowered his hand to her shoulder, squeezing ever so lightly in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.
Surprising them both, Melody turned toward him then, pressing her face against his naked chest as the sobs she had tried so hard to contain suddenly broke forth.
Gavin’s arms went around her at once, pulling her snuggly against the warmth of his broad chest. “It’s alright. Everything will be alright,” he murmured against the top of her head. With his right hand, he stroked her hair in a soothing motion, noting as he did its long length and soft texture. He inhaled the faint aroma of lilac-scented soap as his cheek rested against the thick mass. He held her like that for several minutes, crooning soft, comforting words as her tears dampened his chest. It reminded him of the time he’d comforted his sister when she had broken her favorite doll. He’d quieted her tears with the promise of a brand new doll and a box of her favorite chocolates from the village confectionery shop. Unfortunately he had nothing to offer the young woman in his arms to ease her pain, except for some comforting words and a warm shoulder to cry on. He knew that it wasn’t nearly enough.
Gradually Melody’s sobs began to quiet, and as the minutes went by she became increasingly aware of her position. His bare skin was warm and smooth beneath her cheek, and she could hear the gentle thudding of his heartbeat beneath her ear. It seemed odd that she could find comfort in the arms of this man, this stranger who had just taken her innocence, but somehow she did. She lay there for a moment, breathing in his clean, masculine scent. It was rather pleasant, surprisingly so. Finally her hands, which had been curled into fists, opened against his chest and she pressed softly. “I’m fine now. Thank you.”
Gavin felt the slight pressure of her touch and released his hold at once, allowing her to pull back. He didn’t know what to say. You’re welcome? It seemed inappropriate somehow. “Perhaps we should get dressed then,” he said instead.
“Yes,” Melody agreed.
“Watch your step,” Gavin cautioned as he rose to a seated position, dropping his legs over the side of the mattress.
Turning in the opposite direction, Melody rose from the other side of the mattress. She used her hands to guide her to the foot of the bed, and then trailed them along the top of the wooden footboard to w
here she had laid her clothes.
They dressed in silence, the only sound in the room the faint rustling of fabric as they donned their clothing. They finished quickly.
“There are chairs, if you would care to sit?”
“Yes, that would be fine.”
“Here take my hand,” Gavin said, moving around the footboard, reaching in the direction of her voice.
Melody raised her hand toward him without hesitation, feeling his touch a moment later.
Gavin grasped her hand in his own, noting as he did it’s smooth, soft texture. Another indication, like her speech, that she wasn’t a member of the working class. “This way.” He led her to the two wooden chairs, knowing the exact layout of the small room, even in the darkness. He guided her to one of the chairs, feeling for its high wooden back, finding it and then placing her hand upon it.
“Thank you. I’ve got it.” He released her hand and carefully she settled into the chair, smoothing the skirt of her gown as she did, noting the slight tenderness between her thighs. She heard the faint scraping of chair legs against the floor and realized that he’d taken a seat just a few feet away from her own.
They sat in silence for a while, but it quickly grew uncomfortable. Gavin, rarely at a loss for words, wracked his brain for something to say. Surprisingly, once again it was she who broke the silence.
“How long has it been do you think?”
Her voice was soft and decidedly feminine, though not in the least bit high pitched or shrill. It was in fact, quite appealing and pleasing to the ear. Appealing, the unexpected notion caught him off guard. “How long?”
“He said he would return for me in one hour.” Melody said quietly. “I was just wondering how long it’s been.”
“Oh, of course.” He had no idea how long they had been in the room together, but if he had to guess, he’d assume that it had probably been close to thirty minutes. “I think it will be a while yet.”
Dreaming of You Page 4
