makes angels weep and placed her firmly in the hearts of millions of movie goers worldwide, "It had to be done, you know that."
"Do I? I wonder."
"I had my…instructions."
"And of course you followed them."
"Of course, my Father willed it."
"Did he indeed? How sure of that are you?"
Shiva looked at me sharply and took a moment before she answered, "I have no doubts."
"A sign of your demonic heritage; I have always doubted."
"My father willed your corruption, your actions, and your betrayal."
We fell silent as our main course appeared; pavés de rumsteak au poivre vert - sirloin stake with green peppercorns. The steak was cooked to perfection, the vegetables crisp to the bite, but they tasted bland in my mouth now. I have eaten with kings and princes, sampling the finest cuisines of the ages and I have eaten filth, rot and putrescence in equal measure. Nothing in all that time compared to the hollow empty taste of my food now as I remembered my deeds and the look in his eyes. He knew that I had betrayed him, knew that he was dying at the hands of his enemies only through my actions and he forgave me. He had smiled at me; and all the trust, the love and the grace that he held for me was in those eyes; it broke my heart and it crushed my spirit.
He forgave me for my sin, but I could not forgive myself or endure another day in this world without him; so I killed myself. Tried to kill myself. Looking back; and I have had so very, very long to look back upon my actions, I have seen things differently. "Have you ever considered my dear Shiva that the father you serve is not the one that you think?"
She paused, a slice of steak partway to her mouth, "Your meaning?"
"Predestination, predetermination, free will."
"Go on…?"
"I had two potential destinies, both preordained by God. I could choose to follow the path you offered and betray my closest friend or I could choose to stand true to him and not be swayed by your serpents tongue. The outcome was not predetermined; it was governed by free will. I chose my own path, my own damnation."
"And thus followed my father's will." Shiva swallowed a slice of meat and licked her ruby lips with a tongue that I had seen taste blood. Not that Shiva is a vampire or a cannibal, but there are times when the sight and smell of blood overwhelms her. I remember clearly the first time I saw that repulsive aspect of her heritage, during the Third Crusade when she bathed in the blood of the slaughtered and danced naked in the streets of Acre dripping gore and laughing at the Heavens.
I fought for both sides during the crusades. Saladin and Richard each counted me among their closest advisors and I felt honoured to be held in such esteem by these great men. If I was honest with myself though, Saladin had the better sense of humour.
That wasn't the first time that I'd fought on both sides of the same conflict and it certainly wasn't the last. The most recent that I can recollect was during the Second World War when I flew against the Nazis for the Royal Canadian Air Force and later took to the ground in Stalingrad through the bloody, brutal, frozen conflict that tore the Soviet stronghold to pieces.
"True. But in doing so I also followed God's true plan and gave humanity the hope of salvation through the blood of his one true son." I smiled, "Your father followed God's will in this act Shiva dear."
"Watch your tongue!" There was a trace of venom in her voice and her eyes flashed with anger.
"I'm sure it's all part of the Almighty's ineffable plan."
"You're deluded Jay. God is dead, how else can you explain the state of this miserable planet?"
"He gave humanity free will; something that the angels were denied. In doing that God sewed the seeds of our salvation and destruction in equal measure."
"The world is a mess because God allows it?"
"That's close enough to the truth to be accurate."
"Fool."
"Sometimes. And I've been called far worse in my time."
Shiva laughed and the sound was like the soft whisper of crystal bells, "So you have my love."
"We've both been cursed in equal measure, blessed and damned alike."
"We're a match made in Heaven?"
"Or Hell."
We both smiled and an easy silence settled between us as we ate for a while.
That's the problem with Shiva; as much as I hate her I find myself drawn back to her time and again, like a moth towards a flame. Part of the attraction I'm certain is the fact that she has been the one constant in my life since my return from the grave. I latch onto her like an anchor as the turbulent waters of time pass us by. She tells me the things I want to hear, she make me promises that she means to keep this time because things will be different, but always and forever she forgets, she slips and for a time I find myself lost and alone, adrift again in the current, fighting to keep my head above the waters.
In the two millennia of my existence there is only one person I loved more than Shiva and I betrayed him to his death; I suppose that's one reason she's cautious around me. The other reason for her caution is the knowledge that she was responsible for my betrayal, so the thought that I may try to exact some form of revenge is always at the back of her mind; and believe me when I tell you that I have tried.
Shiva and I both seem to remain untouchable by death and untouched by age, though whether my own state of being is a form of praise from the Pit or punishment from Above is beyond me. I learned long ago that I could drive myself insane trying to figure out all the answers, and for a short time I did. I tried to run from what I did, tried to bury myself in drink and self-destructive behaviour night after night in an effort to forget.
Sometimes it worked and for all too brief a moment the pain of my betrayal was hidden beneath the damage that I was inflicting on myself and those foolish enough to want to be around me. On a rational level I understood that my behaviour was destructive, that I needed to stop before I went too far. But my behaviour was an irrational manifestation of the darkness that was buried in my head, festering in the furthest corners of my mind. The emotional and physical pain threatened to overwhelm me and I hit the bottom of the proverbial barrel so hard that I bounced. And what saved me from myself? Whose was the hand I grasped, the lifeline that pulled me from the brink of my personal abyss? As if you can't already guess.
The silence that had fallen between us was broken by the sound of a cell phone ringing at another table. Shiva glanced across at the embarrassed dinner as he answered his call and remarked, "I can never get used to that."
"Meals being interrupted by telephone calls?"
"No, not that. Well…not just that. All of it, the technology, the gadgets and gizmos that people take for granted."
"The times keep changing Shiva."
"Yes, but it seems that the changes are coming faster and faster."
"Go on?"
"Each new jump in technology pushes them further and further and sometimes…" Shiva paused for a moment, looking almost uncertain as to whether she should continue. She took a sip of water before she said, "Sometimes it scares me."
"You?"
"I was terrified when I saw the first atomic explosion."
A demon, scared by something that mere humans had created? Who would have thought that day would ever come. I could have taunted her in that moment, teased her for the fear and uncharacteristic uncertainty that was evident on her face and in her posture. I almost did, but something inside me softened and instead I said, "It wasn't that long before that they flew for the first time."
"Barely a hundred year years before and there were no cars, only locomotives."
"We call them trains these days dear." I took a sip of my own water, "I do miss horses."
"What? Seriously? I always hated the smell, the constant bouncing up and down and the feeling of being split in half by the saddle."
"It made a nice change from the days when we had to walk everywhere."
"So much change in so little time. Do you remember the moon landing?"
"Do you think we will ever do that?"
"The way the technology keeps changing so rapidly I think it's only a matter of time; a few hundred years at best. Do you plan to be the first demon to set foot on Mars?"
"Why stop there?" Shiva laughed again and then lowered her eyes slightly, "In all honesty though, it would be no fun, no adventure if you weren't by my side."
"Would you miss me?"
"I always do."
"Honesty? From a demon?"
"We don't always lie Jay; just when it suits our purpose. Sometimes the truth can be a much more powerful tool to get what we want."
"And you always get what you want."
"You know I do."
"Salvador didn't think so."
"He was an idiot."
"Harsh, but reasonably accurate I suppose."
"Do you think they're moving too fast? You used to be one of them after all."
"That was a long time ago Shiva, a different world."
"A better world?"
"Simpler, yes. Less complicated certainly. But better? I'm not so sure."
"So if you had the chance you wouldn't want things the way they were?"
"I know it's impossible to go back. The past is the past, and we have to keep our eyes on the future."
"Philosophy? From you?"
"Perhaps, but then again I have a Blackberry and a pager in my pocket."
"Mine are in my purse."
We both laughed and Shiva's face lit up. In that moment I knew just exactly why I loved her, just why my soul was doomed and how much I longed to end her life and be rid of the
Requiem For Golgotha Page 2
