by S. J. West
I stared at Him for a moment before I asked, “Why are you here?”
God turned His head and looked at me.
“Mason told me that you haven’t decided whether or not you want to join his group of Watchers or Baruch’s. I thought I might try to persuade you into joining Mason and his group.”
“Is there really a way to seal the Tear?” I asked, letting my gaze drift to the ever present white ribbon of light in the sky. “Or are you just trying to make busy work for us?”
“There is a way,” God promised me. “And it’s already here on Earth. All you have to do is find it.”
“I’m tired of being mad at you,” I admitted wearily. “I’m tired of being here on Earth and not feeling like I have any real purpose.”
“Then help Mason,” my father urged. “It will help you find your way back to who you were before the curse. That much I can promise you.”
“Will you really make any of us human if we ask you to? Like you did for Brand?”
“Yes, I will.”
“Then that’s what I’ll ask for when the time comes. After I’ve completed this one last mission for you, I want to be made human so I can finally return to Heaven.”
“All you have to do is ask, Aiden. And I promise that I will do that for you.”
I kept God’s promise foremost in my mind when I told Mason I would join the newly formed Watcher Agency.
The creation of the Tear forced us Watchers to come out into the open so we could help humanity deal with the aftermath of its effects. Mason decided to stay hidden in the background and be our emissary to the leaders of all the countries. He appointed us all to the various Watcher Agency Headquarters established around the world. As you know, I was stationed in the one in Istanbul, Turkey. I was glad to be back in that part of the world again. For the first time, I felt like I was being given a second chance to make up for the atrocities I committed while in the service of the Ottoman Empire.
I quickly found out that Kate was right. I was able to fight my hunger for human blood a lot better with my brother Watchers supporting my efforts. But, another side to my personality grew even more intense. Now that I was denying my blood addiction, my need for sex grew to monstrous proportions. I don’t tell you this to brag about my sexual conquests, Caylin. In fact, I’m ashamed of them. The man who bedded all those women didn’t care about his partners. All he cared about was gratifying his own desires to keep the murderer still within him from re-emerging.
I hope you never develop an addiction to something because it can damage not only your body but also your mind and soul. As I strove to become a better person, I felt like my soul was in perpetual jeopardy. Every day was a struggle for me. Some days were better than others were. I actually looked forward to the Tear opening every year because I knew I would be kept busy with new tearors for a few months.
A year before I would meet you, Nadiye Dal, the woman you met at the restaurant, began working at my Watcher Agency. I made a rule not to get involved with the women under my command, but there was something about Nadiye that drew me to her against my better judgment. As you noted, she is beautiful, but it wasn’t just her outward appearance that made her attractive to me. Nadiye was also intelligent, funny, brash, and fearless. In those ways, she reminded me a lot of Kate. I didn’t try to hide my interest in her and was surprised when she would brush off my advances. I almost gave up trying to seduce her until she came into my office one day to confront me about my romantic overtures.
“What is it that you want from me?” She demanded, standing in front of my desk with her arms crossed over her chest and dressed in her black Watcher agent uniform.
“What exactly are you asking me, Agent Dal?” I said, sitting back in my chair and watching her closely. There was a fire in her eyes that told me she wouldn’t be leaving my office without an answer to her question.
“I know your reputation,” she told me knowingly. “I know you’ve pretty much slept with every woman in Istanbul who you find attractive, multiple women at the same time from what I’ve been told. I want to know if you think I’m like those other women. Do you see me as another conquest to add to your long list of them?”
“I see you as an attractive woman I would like to get to know more about,” I stated. “Yes, I want to have sex with you. I’m not going to sit here and deny it. I would take you right here and now on my desk if you allowed me to. You’re beautiful and intelligent. What man in his right mind wouldn’t want you?”
“I’m not a toy you play with and then toss aside when you get tired of me,” she told me rather frankly. “From what I’ve learned, that’s exactly what you do to women you take to your bed. That’s not the type of relationship I’m looking for.”
I wasn’t used to people talking to me the way Nadiye did that day. She was like a breath of fresh air in a world filled with humans who treated me as if I was either someone to be frightened of or worshiped.
I pushed my chair back from my desk and walked around to stand in front of her. She didn’t back away. She stood her ground and watched me with wary eyes.
“So what type of relationship are you looking for Nadiye?”
“One that has the potential to become something long lasting,” she informed me. “I’m worth more than just a one night stand.”
I stared at her for a moment feeling a desire to have the stability she was offering me. If I could stay true to one woman, maybe I could bring my sex addiction under control. Monogamy was a new concept for me, but I thought being with Nadiye might help me stay on the path I was trying to follow.
“Then, would you care to have dinner with me tonight?” I asked her, deciding to take a chance on having a real relationship with a woman.
“No,” she answered but smiled while turning me down. “But keep asking. I might say yes one day.”
She turned on her heels and walked out of my office, leaving me somewhat befuddled. Then I began to laugh because I knew Nadiye had just presented me with a challenge and those were my specialty.
After two weeks of pursuing her, Nadiye finally consented to going out to dinner with me. We dated for six months before I purposely screwed things up. Nadiye and I were getting close, too close for my comfort at the time. I knew being human, she would eventually want to settle down and have a family. I, on the other hand, didn’t want any of that. I cared for her a lot, but I was never in love with her. I knew her feelings for me were deepening, and I found a way to kill them so she would hate me forever.
On a night when I knew Nadiye would be coming to my office so we could go eat dinner together, I brought a random woman to headquarters and began having sex with her on top of my desk. When Nadiye walked in, the scenario had the desired effect. She turned in her resignation that night, and I didn’t see her again for a very long time. I probably could have handled the break up more delicately, but I felt sure doing it the harsh way that I did Nadiye would never attempt to contact me again. I knew in the long run it would be better for her if she found someone else and just chalked me up as a bad experience. However, I did see Nadiye again almost a year later, but that’s part of the story yet to come.
When Mason finally met Jess and we learned about the existence of the vessels, it was as if I could finally see the light at the end of a very long and arduous tunnel. My salvation was so close I could taste it. And being so near to the end made my hunger for both blood and sex increase for some reason.
Just when I thought I might not have the strength to see my way to true redemption, my father sent me the one thing I needed, hope for the future. Even though I had made a mountain of bad choices during my life, He helped shore up my resolve when I needed it the most.
He gave me you.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The night we first saw each other is the moment my life truly began. When Mason came to me and asked if I would help him out by phasing you and Jess to Chandler’s concert that evening, I wasn’t exactly thrilled by the idea. However, I wa
s looking forward to seeing your mother again. I always felt comforted when I was in her presence. Malcolm was extremely protective of all of you and didn’t allow those of us who were still fighting our hunger to get close enough to be a threat. I can’t say I blamed him. I would have done the same to protect the people that I loved.
When Jess and I got to your family home in Lakewood, Lilly was as welcoming as always. To my surprise, she remembered who I was, even though we had only met a couple of times before that night.
Almost as soon as we got there, you and your father arrived back home from your annual Valentine’s date. My first memory of you is filled with your laughter. You were looking at Brand and didn’t see me when you entered the house. In a way, I was grateful for that. It gave me time to cope with how you made me feel.
Seeing you for the first time was like having the whole universe explode around me with you standing in the center of it all. The only thing I could do was stare at you in wonder and marvel at how just the sight of you made me feel more alive than I ever had before. Even when Malcolm stepped in front of me to block you from my view, I simply ignored his menacing ‘No’ and continued to stare at you over his shoulder as if he hadn’t said anything at all.
Then your father asked you to go back to his car to retrieve the flowers he gave you earlier that day. When you stepped out of my sight, I felt an immense sense of loss.
“My daughter is off limits to you,” Brand told me bluntly. “Is that understood?”
All I could do was look at Brand, but then I finally told him, “I would never do anything to harm her. I would die for her.”
Those words are as true today as they were back then. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt you, Caylin. From the moment I saw you, all I’ve ever wanted to do is protect you from all harm, especially from the danger I presented.
Malcolm grabbed me then and threw me up against the far wall in the living room.
“She is too good for someone like you,” Malcolm roared at me. “So get her out of your head…now!”
I knew what Malcolm asked of me would be impossible. Even if I wanted to, the knowledge of your existence was seared into my brain and my soul. There would be no erasing you from my heart because you were its missing part.
Now that I think back on that scene, it was probably the worst night of the year for us to first see each other, at least from Malcolm’s perspective. Valentine’s Day was tainted for both of us because of our yearly competition against one another. However, even if it had happened on any other night, Malcolm’s reaction would have most likely been the same. But the fact that it happened on Valentine’s probably compounded his worry. He knew what I was once capable of doing. He knew the monster still hiding inside me.
In seeking a way to diffuse the situation, Jess suggested that I leave your home. I didn’t want to. Not without seeing you at least one more time. So I phased out of the living room, but I didn’t go far.
I phased outside and hid in the shadows of the front porch by the swing. I saw you lean into Brand’s Porsche and pull out the bouquet of pink roses your father gave you that day. I watched as you inhaled their sweet fragrance before slamming the car door shut and walking back up the steps to the porch. I saw you hesitate right before you walked into the house and turn your head as if you sensed me in my hiding spot.
I quickly phased away before you could see me. I prayed it was so dark you couldn’t see my phase trail in the shadows of the porch.
Still, I couldn’t stay away from you for long. I tried. Lord knows I tried. But, I had to see you at least one more time that night. I knew where you would be and no power on Earth could have kept me from going there.
When I phased to the Pepsi Center in Denver, I saw you and Joshua standing off stage side by side watching Chandler’s concert and enjoying each other’s company. Jess and Mason were there acting as your chaperones.
“How serious are they?” I asked Jess because I couldn’t imagine you being meant for Joshua. It simply wasn’t possible to my way of thinking.
“This is their first date,” Jess told me. I could feel her gaze on me, watching me closely to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid.
“Does she love him?” I asked her, fearful of the answer.
“She’s only fourteen and a half. She’s too young to know what true love is yet.”
And you were young. I knew that. But I also knew my life wouldn’t be complete without you in it.
“What happened back at her house?” Jess asked me.
“I’m not sure,” I replied because I had no idea how I could instantly love someone as deeply as I did you.
“What do you feel for her?” Jess asked.
A well of mixed emotions bubbled to the surface, consuming me completely as I looked at her and replied helplessly, “Everything.”
Having already met her own soulmate, I think Jess understood my predicament even if I didn’t at the time.
“Ok,” she told me. “Listen, she’s not ready for you. And if you’re honest with yourself, you’re not ready for her either.”
I looked back at you and knew Jess was right. I had a lot of work to do before I would be worthy enough even to introduce myself to you.
“I will be ready for her when the time comes,” I told her.
“But that time isn’t now. You understand that, right?”
Reluctantly I nodded. “I know.”
As I continued to look at you, you turned your head as if you sensed me again. I wasn’t sure what you felt when you saw me for the first time, but I could only imagine it was similar to the way I felt as I continued to look at you. When you smiled at me, it parted the dark clouds that had enveloped my life up until that point, and I was able to see the light of day for the very first time. You gave me a reason to feel happy for one of the few times in my life, and I couldn’t help but smile back at you, my miracle on Earth.
“Get him out of here,” I heard Jess say to Mason, but I didn’t care.
You were smiling at me and knew I existed now, that was all I cared about.
Mason phased me back to his villa.
“Aiden, are you all right?” Mason asked.
I just stood there, trying to wrap my thoughts around what just happened.
“Honestly,” I said, “I don’t know. All I can think about is her…and her smile.”
Mason sighed heavily and rested a consoling hand on my right shoulder.
“I know how you feel. The first time I saw Jess I didn’t know what was happening either. Meeting your soulmate is enough to confuse anyone.”
Then it all made sense. There really wasn’t any other explanation. My soul knew who you were, and the feelings I had were its way of telling me that.
“Why don’t you stay here tonight?” Mason suggested. “I’m sure Jess will talk to Brand and Lilly this evening. Maybe by tomorrow we’ll be able to figure out what to do next.”
As you know, the next day was when the vessels battled Lucifer and the princes to seal the Tear. Before they phased to Antarctica, Jess took me aside and told me the restrictions your parents put on me seeing you again. I didn’t like the rules your parents set into place. I didn’t want to wait until you were eighteen before I could be in the same room with you again. My heart broke at the thought of our separation, but Jess made some good points to me that day. She told me that if I tried to pull you away from your family and asked you to choose between them and me that I might lose you forever. That wasn’t something I was willing to risk. Therefore, I told her I would do my best to stay away from you.
After the Tear was closed and God granted me forgiveness by taking away my bloodlust, I felt closer to being a man who was worthy enough to be in your presence. But like I told you before, I had been using sex as my crutch for so long it had become my new addiction, and even meeting you wasn’t enough to make me stop. I wanted to, Caylin. Every time I was with a woman, I felt like I was cheating on you. I loathed what I was doing and hated the f
act that I was too weak to stop it. I didn’t feel in control of my actions and that scared me more than anything else did. If I couldn’t control myself around women I didn’t care about, what would I do to the one woman I wanted to be with more than anything? I imagined the worst, me forcing you to be physical before you were ready. That possibility alone helped me keep my distance from you.
On your fifteenth birthday, I wanted to make sure you knew you were always in my thoughts. I suppose a selfish part of me wanted to make sure you hadn’t forgotten about me.
I had to climb up to your window that morning because, obviously, it wasn’t somewhere I had been before so I couldn’t just phase there, and the front door was out of the question. I became very thankful that your mother liked wrap around porches on her homes because you had one at the house in Colorado and the one in Lakewood. I had your necklace specially made by a jeweler in Switzerland. I kept the other half of the crystal pendant as a constant reminder to me that you and I would be able to meet in person again one day. I wasn’t sure if your parents would approve of me leaving you a gift on your windowsill, but I had to make sure you knew I was thinking about you.
I peeked through your window and saw you half sitting up in your bed with the bedside table light still on. At first, I was worried you were still awake, but your eyes were closed and your breathing steady. You had fallen asleep with your sketchbook clutched to your chest. I wondered what you had been drawing when you fell asleep, but now I know it was sketches of me. I wish I had known that back then. It would have relieved the fear I had that you had already forgotten about me.
I let myself watch you until the sun peeked over the horizon, and I knew I had to leave. I was so tempted to just stay there until you woke up and found me crouched outside your window, but Jess’ warning about asking you to choose between your parents and me was still fresh in my memory. I had a bad feeling I would lose in such a scenario, but that wasn’t the only reason I kept my distance. Placing you in such a position would have been selfish on my part. I respected you and your parents enough not to ask you to make a choice like that. I knew time would solve the problem for us.
