by S. J. West
“No,” you told me, “you haven’t done anything.”
I felt a sense of relief when you said that. I couldn’t have forgiven myself if I had unknowingly acted in a way that made you think I expected sex from you.
“Then, why are you even bringing it up?” I asked.
“Because you’re a man who is used to having sex with anyone he wants, anytime he wants. How long are you going to be satisfied with just kissing, Aiden? It’s already been a really long time since you had sex, and you told me how important it was to you in the past. I just don’t want you to think you have to find it somewhere else.”
I know you didn’t mean to hurt me with your words, but you did. I didn’t know what to do. I felt the shame of my past wash over me again. After everything I had done to atone for my sins and become a better man for you, you still thought I could be someone who would seek physical gratification from someone else. I didn’t know what else I could possibly do to prove myself to you.
I had to close my eyes because I simply couldn’t bear to look at you anymore.
When I finally did find the courage to look at you, all I could say was, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve made you think you would ever have to give yourself to me like that just to keep me faithful to you. I guess I hoped you would trust me more than that.”
“I didn’t say that,” you were quick to tell me. “I never said I didn’t have any faith in you.”
“Yes, you did. Maybe not in so many words but that’s exactly what you’re thinking. You think that I’ll become so frustrated sexually that I’ll go find someone else to satisfy that need. I guess…I guess I hoped you would think better of me than that, Caylin.”
You took a step forward, but I didn’t want you to touch me. So I held out a hand to stop you from coming any closer.
“No,” I said, “we need to come to an understanding about this first.”
“Forget about what I said,” you begged. “Please, Aiden. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I just thought…”
I think it was then that you fully understood what you had said to me and all of its implications. I tried to remember the fact that you were still young. I had to assume you hadn’t completely thought through the ramifications of your suggestion. Nevertheless, your words still hurt me, and the only thing I could think to do was explain myself to you. To tell you where I saw our relationship going.
“I’ve had sex, Caylin. I’ve had a lot of it in my time. And yes, I admit, I want to make love to you. I want to bring you pleasure. I want to be the man who awakens that side of you. But, making love to you comes in a distant second to what I really want from you.”
“What do you want?” You asked me, and I could tell you were on the verge of tears.
“I want you. I want all of you, not just your body. I want to know you so well that I can silently finish your sentences in my head. I want to become a part of your soul that you can’t live without. I want you to know you can trust me with all that you are, and that I will always respect your thoughts and opinions. I want to be someone you can share your hopes and dreams with and not worry that I will ever ridicule any of them. I don’t just want to become your lover, Caylin. I want to become your best friend. I want to be the person you willingly share every aspect of your life with and not feel like you have to lose any part of yourself to do it. I thought we were heading in that direction, but now, I feel like we’ve just taken a giant leap backward.”
“Don’t say that,” you begged me. “Please don’t even think that.”
“But you don’t trust me.” I had to wipe away my own tears of hopelessness then. “And I’m not sure how to fix that.”
“I do trust you,” you said to me, openly crying then.
You walked up to me and pulled Jess’ bracelet off your wrist.
“Put this on,” you urged me.
I shook my head because I wasn’t sure I could take knowing how you truly felt about me. I was scared I would learn something even worse than what you had just said to me.
“You made me use it,” you said, still holding the bracelet out to me. “Now it’s your turn. Ask it to tell you how I feel. I did it when you asked me to do it. I think you owe me the same courtesy, Aiden.”
Reluctantly, I held out my right arm to you so you could put the bracelet on. After you slipped it onto my wrist, you grabbed hold of my hand.
“Please,” you begged, “please ask it to tell you how I really feel about you.”
I knew I would have to ask the bracelet to tell me what you felt. But I waited for as long as I dared to try and brace myself for the answer.
When I asked my question to the bracelet, my hand tightened around yours involuntarily.
To be given the gift of sharing your feelings was beyond anything I could have ever asked for. I saw you on a completely different level. Your love for me consumed my soul, lighting it on fire all over again. I felt your desire to be my constant in a continuously changing and dangerous world. Until that moment, I never knew someone could love me so deeply. The faith and trust you held for me in your heart to be the man you needed to walk by your side meant more to me than you’ll ever know.
“I trust you,” you told me. “I’m so sorry I made you doubt that. I think I just let my own insecurities overrule my better judgment. I’m still mostly human, Aiden. I’m not nearly as perfect as you might want to make me out to be. I’m going to make boneheaded mistakes like this again. Not on purpose though, just remember that. And please, never doubt that I trust you completely. And never, ever doubt how much I love you.”
All I could do was pull you into my arms and hold you close.
“I don’t deserve the way you feel about me,” I said. “But, I’ll take it.”
The day we took you to New Orleans to test the first dagger on Belphagor was horrible for me. I didn’t want to place your life in danger unnecessarily, but Malcolm and Desmond convinced me you would remain safe and sound.
As I stood by Desmond across the street from the French Market, I must have worn my worry on my face.
“She’s perfectly safe,” Desmond reassured me. “We’re all here. If Belphagor makes a move to harm her, we’ll phase in before he can.”
“I can’t live without her,” I told Desmond. “I would feel dead inside even if I kept breathing.”
“I think the feeling is mutual,” Desmond replied with a smile as we watched you buy the black leather and silver infinity bracelet from the vendor you were standing by. “Have I mentioned how lucky you are to have her?”
“Yes,” I said, not even attempting to stop staring at you. “Yes, you have.”
Later that evening, after we ate the meal your family prepared for us all and I went with the boys for drinks in Cardiff, I could have killed myself for not being where you needed me the most. I should have known something was wrong when you didn’t respond to my text messages, but I didn’t want to make you feel as though you had to tell me every little thing you did in your life either. I would never want you to think I was trying to control you.
When you did finally respond and I learned what happened, I phased directly to your bedroom even though I knew I shouldn’t. I couldn’t help myself. Not many people ever met Lucifer and fewer survived such an encounter. I had to see with my own eyes that you were all right. After we talked, you asked me to stay with you until you fell asleep. Honestly, I’m not sure I could have left your side that night anyway. I sat there on the edge of your bed holding your hand until you drifted off to sleep. Have I told you how cute your little snore is? But, what about you don’t I love? Nothing comes to mind.
I felt odd just sitting there in your room watching you sleep. So, I got up and opened your bedroom door before sitting down in the chair in front of your vanity.
I sent a text to Desmond to let him know what happened.
Don’t beat yourself up about it, Aiden. How could you have known what would happen?
Still, I should have been here to help
protect her. Not off drinking in a pub having a good time with friends.
You won’t be able to protect her from all harm. That’s just a fact of life and one you need to come to terms with, my friend.
It may be a fact of life, but it won’t stop me from trying to do just that.
“Aiden?”
I looked up from my phone and saw your father standing in the doorway of your room. He had a shotgun in his hands, which worried me for a moment. I wasn’t sure if he planned to try to use it on me for being in your room so late at night.
“I assume Caylin contacted you after she got home,” Brand said knowingly.
“Yes,” I answered in a whisper, unable to take my eyes off the shotgun, “she asked me to stay until she fell asleep. I just can’t seem to make myself leave.”
Your father peeked into the room just to make sure you were still sleeping.
When he looked back at me, he said, “She usually sleeps with her door shut. Are you the one who opened it?”
“Yes. It didn’t feel right for me to stay in here with it closed.”
Brand nodded as if he agreed.
“You can stay,” he finally said. “In fact, it might be a good idea for you to stay here since we have a werewolf in the house sleeping in Mae’s room.”
“You have a what?” I asked, sure I misheard what Brand said.
“I see Caylin didn’t tell you about that part.”
“No, she didn’t,” I replied. “Why is it here?”
“He’s become Mae’s…honestly…I’m not sure what he is to her. But he broke his bond with his father to protect her from him. Mae phased him home, and now we don’t know what to do with him. I guess we’ll just have to wait until in the morning and ask him when he’s in human form again.”
“I’m here if you need me,” I told your father.
Brand nodded but didn’t leave. I knew he had more to say to me.
“While you are in my daughter’s room and in my home, I expect you to behave like a gentleman.”
“I give you my word, I won’t move from this chair until morning. I’ll leave as soon as she wakes up.”
Brand shook his head. “No, you should at least stay for breakfast. Caylin will want to see you in the morning. Besides, it’ll give me another opportunity to teach you how to cook.”
“I would appreciate that.”
Brand nodded and this time he stepped away from the door so I could continue my silent vigil.
I received a text from Jess close to morning letting me know what the plan for that day was. She informed me that JoJo had worked through the night to make me an outfit that would allow me to become invisible. I was relieved to find out that I would be allowed to watch over you at school that day. I’m still not sure how JoJo got my measurements so wrong. The pants she made were so tight I worried I wouldn’t be able to fit into them. However, from the look in your eyes when you saw me in my outfit, you didn’t seem to mind the tightness. Or did I just imagine your reaction?
When the princes attacked your school that day, I was grateful I was there to help protect you. My only regret is that I didn’t prevent what happened to Malcolm. A hellhound bite is no joking matter. I still don’t know what his secret is to withstanding the pain he’s suffering through. I know you’ve been worrying about Malcolm succumbing to his pain one day and selling his soul to Lucifer to relieve it, but you need to realize your uncle is one of the strongest people I have ever known. If anyone can withstand the agony of the hellhound curse, it’s Malcolm.
I wish I could take all the credit for the dinner you enjoyed at my beach home that evening, but as I told you, all the boys wanted to make sure you had a relaxing night after the events that took place at your school. If I had known you would later walk into your studio to find it trashed, I might have just kept you in the Bahamas all night long.
When I tried to comfort you by rocking and humming to you, I think it was the only time in my life I was glad Andel made me tone deaf. At least my imperfection made you laugh.
If it’s any consolation, I don’t think Slade wanted to destroy your studio. He was compelled into doing it, and once you trade in your soul to Lucifer, your life doesn’t belong to you anymore. You have to do as ordered. Slade did contribute as much as he could to the repairing of your private sanctuary. Was he still able to feel remorse by that point? I would like to think so.
Did you know I felt the moment you died?
Not long after I lost sight of you and Asmodeus speeding off in your car, I felt a void form inside my soul. The sensation was suffocating. I literally thought my heart stopped beating. And I think I know the moment Will revived you because I felt a warmth radiate inside my chest. It was almost as if you were telling me you were all right.
Knowing that Will is looking after you has been a great comfort to me over the past couple of years. I don’t worry about you as much as I used to.
I’m sorry you had to be the one who ended Slade’s life during our fight with the princes. I know how hard it was for you. You may not have given him peace but you at least saved him from taking any more innocent lives. That’s all he wanted in the end, and you should feel proud you were able to do that for him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
The more I write in this journal the more I see it as not only serving as a retelling of my days, but also a chronicle of how we started our life together. I’m not sure I would ever want our children to read about my early years on Earth, but perhaps we could let them read how their father asked their mother to marry him.
Your patience with my need to keep our love life, to a certain extent, chaste has been appreciated more than you might realize. I never thought I could be the man I am today, Caylin, and I owe it mostly to your love for me. I will give myself a little credit because keeping our physical relationship the way it has been for the last two years would have tested the self-control of a saint, something I am most definitely not.
On our second Valentine’s Day together, I knew you would want to talk about when we would be getting married. I had promised you the year before that we would reopen that particular discussion around that time, and I saw it as the perfect opportunity to finally propose to you.
The day before Valentine’s I recruited members of your family and our friends to be a part of my plan and, as you know, they were instrumental in making it a special moment for us. I wasn’t sure it would top the way your father proposed to your mother, but I knew the thought that I put into the preparations would be something you would always remember.
You and I spent that Valentine’s Day playing hooky from our classes. We went shopping in Paris to find your mother a special birthday gift. From the frequent furtive glances you kept giving me, I could tell you were expecting a proposal from me at any minute. Paris is known as the city of love. As the day waned on, you began looking over at me less and less. I almost gave in and knelt down before you while we were on the Eiffel tower, but I knew there were members of your family who would kill me if I did that, spoiling what we had planned.
That night your mom and dad invited us over for dinner. It was, of course, a ruse just to get you over there, but I think your father was happy to have you home for awhile no matter what the excuse. I knew it would be the first Valentine’s Day that the two of you wouldn’t be spending together, and I didn’t want him to feel as though he was forgotten by either of us. That was one reason it was so important to me for your family to be involved in such a meaningful moment in our lives.
On the pretense of giving me another cooking lesson, your father invited us over to your parents’ Lakewood home early that evening. Your mother and Aunt Tara took you to JoJo’s studio in New York because she had made you a ‘special gift’. It was a gift I requested her to make because I needed to make sure you would stay away from the house for at least an hour. Plus, I thought you might enjoy the pampering her team of stylist was instructed to treat you to.
Then, I called in the troops to help me s
et the scene for my proposal.
Malcolm brought over as many red roses as he could cut from the garden behind his Hawaii home. I’ve never smelled roses as sweet as his, and I wanted only the best for you that night. I hadn’t given you a red rose yet because I wanted to save it for this particular moment. We decorated your room with crystal vases filled with Malcolm’s sweet smelling flowers and brought over an arch I made in secret out of wire, lemon leaf garland, and baby’s breath. Once we had it situated against the wall over your window, everyone present helped me fill it with more of Malcolm’s red roses.
Will, Malcolm, and Desmond helped me set things up in your room while your father did all the cooking for the dinner.
“It’s so pretty,” Mae said, her large brown eyes looking at the flower-filled room in wonder.
I noticed she was holding something in her hands and asked, “What is that Mae?”
Mae was four-years-old at the time and cute as a button with her hair in pigtails and an innocent smile on her face. She held up the item in her hand to me, and I saw that it was a Valentine’s Day card haphazardly made from red construction paper with different colored heart stickers decorating the front.
“Who’s the lucky boy?” I asked her.
“It’s for my puppy,” she replied with a shy smile on her face. The smile faded a little when she said, “Santa brought the wrong one last year. But I’m going to ask him again this year.”
You had told me that when Lilly took Mae to see the Santa Claus in the mall she asked him to bring her ‘puppy’ back to her. Poor Lilly didn’t know how to explain that Santa couldn’t work such a miracle. Instead, Santa brought Mae a real puppy that Christmas. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to make her forget about Tristan.
Malcolm swept Mae up into his arms causing her to giggle.
“And here I thought you loved me the most,” he teased her.
“I do love you, Uncle Malcolm,” Mae said sincerely, wrapping her arms around his neck. “But I love my puppy too.”
