by J. Nathan
“You still there?”
“I’m here,” I assured him, my pulse thumping in my ears.
“He wants to see you.”
What the ever-living-fuck? A brigade of unwelcome emotions rushed me at once. The anger that consumed my youth. The deep-rooted hate I had for him. The guilt I carried for my part in his arrest. What could he possibly have to say to me?
“Conner?”
“Still here.”
“Look, I’m no counselor. But it’s been three years since you’ve talked to him. You’re both grown men. Holding a grudge doesn’t do anyone any good.”
Yeah. That’s what he thought.
* * *
My hands twisted together on the worn wooden table in front of me. My eyes shot around, taking in the inmates meeting with their family members around the cold room. Their families looked upbeat and excited to be there. The inmates all looked the way I felt when I was in their place. Alone in a room full of people.
A heavy door in the far corner of the room clattered open. My eyes shot up. An older version of my father walked through the door in his matching khaki shirt and pants. His hair had turned entirely gray. His steps slower.
He stepped up to the seat across from me. We both took a minute, observing the physical changes we’d both undergone. Acknowledging the passing of time. Recognizing the huge divide that existed between us—the same one that always existed between us. “Hi.” He lowered slowly into the seat. “Thanks for meeting me.”
I shrugged. As much as I didn’t want to see him, I knew I didn’t have a choice.
“You look good.”
“Thanks.”
He linked his fingers on the table, his eyes fixed on them. “How’d they treat you in there?”
“I held my own.”
He nodded. I wondered if he’d had similar experiences. Wondered if his longer sentence—even just the thought of it—had taken a toll on him. I didn’t dare ask. I didn’t want that shit in my head.
“Got my GED.”
He finally glanced up at me. “I always wanted that for you.”
“I know.” I found it difficult to meet his gaze. He had always wanted that for me. Just nothing more. He didn’t want me to reach my full potential. In school or on the baseball diamond. “I started work on my Bachelor’s degree.”
“That’s good.” He tried to smile, but I could see it was difficult for him. It was the first thing I’d done on my own. Without him pulling the strings.
My eyes shifted, landing on a young girl and her mother visiting an older inmate who stared at the girl like she hung the moon. I wondered if she had any shot at a bright future with a criminal as a dad. Maybe that’s why I felt the need to keep talking to mine. To keep proving to him that I’d done it. I’d broken free from a life of crime. I’d broken free from the future he laid out for me. “I’m not sure what I’ll major in, but now that I can actually attend real classes, I think I’ll be able to figure it out.”
“Sounds like you’ve got a plan.”
I nodded.
His voice lowered, like he didn’t want any of the other inmates or their families to overhear. “I didn’t do you any favors, did I?”
I stared across the table at this man who had lost everything. The majority because of his poor decisions, but some through no fault of his own. “You just got caught up in the wrong shit.”
He dropped his head, his voice lowering even more. “Your mom would’ve been so disappointed in me.”
I definitely had not expected that. “Yeah…she would’ve been. But she’d also be happy to know I made it out okay. My life is now on the straight and narrow. I’ve got a girl who I plan to marry someday. A degree that’s within reach. And if I play my cards right, I might even be able to earn a walk-on spot on the baseball team.”
His eyes held regret. And I kind of liked that they did. It meant he was human. And he could feel things again. “Do you ever think you could forgive me?”
I averted my gaze, watching the kid interact with her father. If Hadley could forgive me, then I knew I could forgive my father. Would I ever have a real relationship with him? Probably not any time soon. But I didn’t want to live a life filled with anger and regret. Holding onto it didn’t get anyone anywhere. When I glanced back to him, his eyes were hopeful. “Some day.”
* * *
The sun had slipped beyond the horizon as I ducked in the front door of Hadley’s building as a guy stepped outside. I approached her closed door unsure how to proceed. I’d sent her a text on my way to the prison and on my way home, but she never replied to either. I worried that meant she was having regrets. Me not being there when she woke up might’ve given her time to reconsider her promise to try to forgive me.
I tapped the door with my knuckles and waited. I couldn’t hear any rustling on the other side, but I tapped on the door again.
The door unlocked and swung opened. But it wasn’t Hadley who stood there. It was her roommate, staring me down like she wanted to kill me. She dug two fingers into my chest. “Hurt her and I will kill you.” She stepped around me and took off down the hallway.
I stood in the open doorway staring at Hadley who sat on her bed with a shoebox on her lap. “Hi.” I stepped inside, closing the door behind me.
She stared at me, her eyes dropping to my empty hands. “I expected a coffee. Or at least some licorice.”
I walked over and sat down beside her, the mattress dipping under my weight. “I gave you a lifetime supply. Are you already out?”
She shook her head.
“Did you get my texts?”
She nodded. “How was it seeing your dad?”
I thought of the creases around his eyes. His graying hair. His attempt to smile. “Sad.”
Sorrow filled Hadley’s eyes. “You haven’t spoken to him since…”
“Since before I got arrested? No.”
She chewed on her bottom lip, contemplating her words. “Did he want to apologize?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you forgive him?”
I nodded. “You showed me it was possible.”
She smiled sadly. “I’m sorry you got gypped in the dad department.”
I laughed. “Well, there’s always your dad.”
Hadley burst out laughing. “Yeah. I’d hold off getting him a Father’s Day card any time soon.”
The thought that Hadley would eventually have to tell her parents about us turned my gut. “He hates me that much?”
She patted my knee. “I’m sure you’ll grow on him…in like fifty years.”
I laughed, knowing making amends in all areas of Hadley’s life wouldn’t be easy. But I needed to do it for her. I nodded to the shoebox. “What do you have there?”
She slowly lifted the cover. My letters sat neatly inside.
I lifted my brows. “Doing some light reading?”
She smiled. “Just getting to know you again.”
My eyes drifted shut on an exhale, loving that she’d read them. That she finally knew everything I wanted her to know—everything I needed her to know. Bottom line, she knew me. She was the only person who did. “I could think of a lot of ways to get to know me again,” I teased. Though had she said yes, I would’ve stripped her down right there and then.
She jabbed me with her elbow, abruptly stopping that fantasy.
I nodded to the letters. “So what do you think?”
“I think you’ve got potential.”
We laughed, and it felt so good to laugh with her again. “Potential?”
“Can you still mash a baseball?”
“Definitely. I’ve been practicing down at the sports facility,” I assured her. “And my swing’s better than ever.”
“Mr. Humble returns with a vengeance.” Her eyes widened excitedly. “Wait a sec. Lorelei knows the baseball coach. I can have her talk to him. Maybe get you a tryout.”
I placed my hand on her knee, silencing her sudden enthusiasm. “Vik already took care of it
.”
She pulled in a deep breath, releasing it slowly. “So, you really are staying.” It wasn’t a question. It took something like that for it to finally register that I wasn’t going anywhere.
I draped my arm around her shoulder, pulling her into my side. In that moment, with my past behind me and my future staring me in the face with gorgeous blue eyes, I knew all was right in the world again. I had my girl. And I had my future. It was mine for the taking. “My girl’s here. No way in hell I’m losing her twice.”
Hadley turned into me and threw her leg over my hips, straddling my lap so she could look me in the eyes. “If you ever hurt me again—”
I wrapped my hand around the back of her head and pulled her to me, silencing her with my lips. I didn’t wait for the go ahead. My tongue pushed inside, having something to prove. There was no way in hell I’d ever hurt her again, but I needed her to know that. She also needed to know I’d never leave her or be dishonest with her again. I’d do everything in my power to hold onto her and kiss her every morning—make that every damn day—for the rest of my life.
EPILOGUE
Two Years Later
Hadley
I sat with Conner’s hand tightly clasped in mine. An excited buzz filled the television studio where we sat. A few lucky baseball fans in their favorite team jerseys filled the seats behind us.
Conner had already conducted interviews with all the major sports networks, everyone interested in the story of his past and how he turned his life around. Guys completely ate up the story of the thief who could crack any safe, while women…well women wanted a piece of my man. Who could blame them? He was hot, exuded that same confidence I’d seen the first time I laid eyes on him, and he could mash a baseball like no one’s business. And did I mention how his ass looked in those baseball pants?
Today, however, he wore a gray suit with a periwinkle blue tie that brought out the blackness of his eyes. I’d picked it out, teasing him that he didn’t have enough female fans and that the blue would push them over the edge. He knew how jealous I got about all the female attention he received—not like it was anything new, but he had no trouble convincing me over and over again in our bedroom that I was it for him.
His agent walked over and whispered something into his ear that I couldn’t quite hear with all the noise surrounding us. Conner nodded before his agent disappeared again.
He squeezed my hand. “He thinks New York is gonna make a last minute trade with Florida.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means we may be moving to Florida.”
I smiled. “They’ve got lots of grad schools with art programs I could transfer to.”
His brows lifted. “Yeah?”
I nodded. “And Cass, Vik, and Lorelei will all be nearby.”
He smiled. “True.”
I considered the harsh winters up north. All the snow. The bulky clothes I’d have to buy. The boots. “And…I’d take warm weather over cold any day.”
He laughed. “Funny. Because I’d take you anywhere I can get you.”
I glanced around the crowded space. “Do we have time?”
He threw back his head and laughed. “Twice this morning wasn’t enough? I’ve definitely created a monster.”
I smiled, trying to hold onto this special moment. Trying to capture the feelings of it all. The happiness. The excitement. The accomplishment. It was Conner’s time. He’d worked so hard to get there. Sure, he’d made mistakes along the way, but he’d changed because of them. And now, life was granting him his wish.
“What are you thinking?”
I shrugged. “Just how happy I am for you.”
He leaned in, his fresh scent wrapping itself around me like a warm blanket. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”
I leaned in, pressing my lips to his. “You’re finally getting your dream.”
His eyes narrowed, the skin between his brows pinching together. “You think this is my dream?”
I glanced around the room. The excitement was palpable. “Obviously.”
He shook his head. “You silly girl. You. You’re my dream.”
A ripple rolled through my belly taking up permanent residency. Even after all the time that had passed, Conner had the power to affect me. To turn me into a pile of goo with a few small words. “I don’t believe you.”
His eyes flicked around the room. “If all of this didn’t happen, if it all just went away, I promise you, I’d be okay. But if you went away, if you never came back into my life, I’d be nowhere near okay.”
The sincerity in his eyes and his heartfelt words stole the air right out of my lungs, glazing my eyes with tears. “Conner, I—”
“Conner,” a deep voice called.
Our eyes shot to his agent who approached eagerly with his hands clasped together. “You’re going number one.”
Conner said nothing, just cupped my cheeks and pulled me to him, kissing me gently. When he pulled away he looked to his agent. “Thank God. My girl hates the cold.”
Applause ensued as the commissioner of baseball entered the studio and stepped to the microphone behind the podium. “For the first pick in this year’s baseball draft, Florida selects…Conner Cartwright.”
The fans in the studio erupted in cheers as Conner stood up, pulling me to my feet and wrapping his arms around me. “Was there something you were gonna say before my agent interrupted?”
“Get up there,” I urged with a giant grin on my face.
“Nope. Not until you tell me.”
“You’re crazy.”
He smiled down at me, his nose brushing mine. “Yup. Now spill it.”
I tried pulling loose, but his strong arms wouldn’t release me. “Fine, I love you. Now get up there.”
“How much?”
My eyes widened. “You know how much.”
“Say it.”
“You’re my everything, Conner.”
He smiled his cocky grin then dropped his lips to mine and kissed me for everyone watching to see. “I love you, too. I’m never letting you go again.”
I could feel the impatient eyes in the room on us. “Would you just get up there?”
He laughed and made his way up to the commissioner who shook his hand and handed him a Florida ball cap. Conner pulled the cap down over his dark hair, staring at me the entire time like no one else occupied the room, forget everyone watching at home. He placed his hand over his heart, tapping it twice. I got it. I completely understood. Baseball was his now. But I was his forever. And Conner Cartwright was without a doubt mine.
THE END
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Thank you readers for taking the time to read Hadley and Caynan’s (and Conner’s) story! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed living in their heads for almost a year. Also, thank you to everyone who read, reviewed, and spread the word about Until Alex and Since Drew. I would not have felt motivated to continue this journey without your love for those characters.
To my husband for his support and willingness to share me with my imaginary friends. To my awesome little boy for understanding my busy schedule. Just know I always have time for you. To my family and friends for your enthusiasm over this dream of mine. It means the world to me that you care so much. To my fellow romance junkies, Heather, Kim, and Kerrie for reading it before anyone!
To my wonderful editor, author Stephanie Elliot, for not only being a fantastic editor, but also a cheerleader and friend. Can’t wait for your next book, Sad Perfect, to hit shelves!
To my amazing beta readers for all your thoughtful and constructive feedback. I truly appreciate the time you took out of your busy lives to help me. Author Sierra Hill, bloggers and friends Dali at TJ Loves to Read, and Kat, Neilliza, and Michelle at Four Chicks Flipping Pages. You girls are awesome!
Last, but certainly not least, to cover creator extraordinaire Letitia at RBA Designs for another beautiful cover. You are so fabulous to work with and so patient when I have annoying little change
s I need you to make. Thank you for bringing Caynan to life!
CONTACT INFO
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Jnathan.net
[email protected]
Enjoy a Sample of Until Alex
PROLOGUE
HAYDEN
Alive.
You learn early on it means living, breathing, undead.
But don’t tell my mom that. She’d only hear the lyrics to her favorite Pearl Jam song. The one she’d been obsessed with since high school. The one that blared through the iPod dock on her dresser.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen her as happy as she was tossing shirts and shorts into the open suitcase on her bed. Her long brown curls bounced in time to the beat of the song.
Ten minutes before, she’d woken me up. And in the most angelic voice she uttered the words I’d longed to hear. “We’re leaving, Hayden. We’re finally leaving.”
I jumped out of bed and stuffed my T-shirts, shorts, and hats into my backpack and joined her in her room. If I’d forgotten anything important, it could be replaced wherever we ended up.
With all the excitement and hasty packing, my mom shoved up her sleeves. Purple and yellow bruises covered her arms. Noticing my wide eyes from my spot on her bed, she shoved the sleeves back down, clearly forgetting what they concealed.
What they always concealed.
The last note of the song drifted through the speakers. I waited anxiously for the next song to begin—knowing her happiness and the twinkle in her eyes would continue.
But the song never played.
“What are you doing?” His emotionless voice traveled over my mom’s shoulder, sucking the life right out of the room.
Goose bumps scattered up my arms.
My mom froze. Her face drained of color. And though her body blocked me from seeing the doorway, the terror in her eyes told me what I already knew. We weren’t leaving. We weren’t getting our fresh start.
