“She’s gone.”
“I know, baby.”
“She won’t come back.”
His own eyes fill with sadness. “I’m so sorry.”
The sound that escapes my throat is filled with despair. “Take me home, Eli. Please. I can’t see her like this. I couldn’t save her, and now she’s gone!”
His arms become a vice around me as I fall apart. I want the numbness back. It didn’t hurt when I didn’t feel. The knowledge that tomorrow, I can’t call her, text her, or touch her leaves me so bereft that I’m not even sure there’s a way to live past this moment.
Eli tucks me against his chest, holding me as we move. I hear him talking to someone, but I’ve found my way back to the darkness. This is where I want to stay.
I focus on nothing.
The only thing that registers is Eli’s arms wrapped around me as I close my eyes and drift to where not even death can touch me.
“Heather,” a soft voice calls to me. “Wake up, honey.”
Stephanie? Is she here? My eyes fly open, hoping to see my sister, but it isn’t her. Instead, Nicole is leaning over me. Disoriented, I look around and realize I’m not in my house. A big bed sits in an enormous room. I’m at Eli’s. When did we get back here?
“Hey.” She stares at me with red-rimmed eyes.
She knows about Stephanie.
He must’ve called her.
“Nic—” I choke her name out, and she reaches for me. The minute she touches me, I break. The tears I cried before seem small in comparison.
The pain is back with a vengeance. Nicole rocks me back and forth, and I hold on to her for dear life. “Oh, honey. It’s okay, let it out,” she encourages. “Just let it out.”
There’s a connection between two people who understand each other. That’s Nicole and me. We don’t have to speak to know what the other needs. Sometimes, it’s just falling apart in the comfort of your best friend’s arms.
Nicole leans back when I quiet down. “Better?”
“No. I don’t know that there is a better.”
She wipes her own tears and nods. “It’s going to hurt, but you’re strong, Heather. Stephanie loved you so much, know that.”
“She kept it from me.” All the emotions of the night continue to assault me. My sister knowing that she was going to die and that she was sick. The fact that she hid her condition so we could have the day at Busch Gardens. “All at her own expense. If she were alive, I’d beat her for it. She should’ve stayed in bed, got better so that . . .”
“So she could just get worse again?” Nicole challenges. She loved my sister as if she were her own. Stephanie was always around when we were young, wanting to be exactly like us. I can remember finding Stephanie trying on my clothes and talking to her “best friend Nicole.” It was annoying back then, if only I had the gift of foresight. “Is that what you’d really want for her?”
My gut reaction is to yell: Yes!
I open my mouth, but Nicole glares at me, daring me to say it. “I . . . I don’t know.”
I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I wish I could crawl inside myself and disappear. Living hurts too damn much.
“I know you, and you didn’t want that. I can’t imagine how you’d feel if this was months of her in agony.”
Sure, I guess there’s some comfort in that, but not much. The last seven years of Stephanie’s life were a series of ups and downs. We struggled with everything, and she suffered through it all. I watched her life start to fade the day we got her diagnosis.
My eyes move to the doorway where Eli leans against the frame. In his hand is a glass of water and a plate of food. He hesitates before moving forward. I gaze at him, tears welling in my eyes.
“You’ve been sleeping for a while.” His deep voice is filled with emotion. “I thought you should eat.”
My lip trembles, thinking of how happy I was before I got the call. We were together, loving each other while my sister took her last breath. I wish I could go back in time. I would’ve gone to see her after the barbeque, but I was so wrapped up in him.
My heart aches thinking about the minutes wasted because I didn’t answer the phone. The what-ifs are tearing me apart.
Nicole touches my arm. “Eli called as soon as you got back. I came right over, but you’ve been sleeping for about fifteen hours.”
“I’m tired.”
Eli and Nicole share a look, and she gives me a squeeze. “I’m sure. You need to eat, though. Do you want me to call Matt and tell him you’ll be out for a few days?”
“Tell him I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
Right now, I can’t deal with anything. The idea of riding in a squad car and talking to people is too much.
“I’ll tell him a week, and then you’ll handle what comes after that.” Her tone is firm, and I know what she’s trying to do. The same thing I would do if she were giving up.
I’d push.
But you can’t push someone out of a hole. You have to hope they’ll claw their way up enough for you to help them. There is no strength left in my hands to help me move right now.
“Do you need me to stay?” she asks Eli.
“No, I’ll take care of her.”
I glare at both of them as they talk about me as if I’m not here. All I need is to go back to sleep and wake up when this isn’t my reality.
Nicole kisses my forehead, and then they both leave the room. I grab my phone, scrolling through the texts and missed calls.
Danielle: I love you. I’m here if you need me.
* * *
Brody: Rachel and I send our love. Let me know what I can do.
Nothing. You can’t do a damn thing.
Kristin: I talked to Nicole, I’m so sorry, Heather. Do you want me to come over?
I reply to Kristin right away. I don’t want to see anyone.
Me: Thanks, but I’m not up for company.
It doesn’t matter that I’m at Eli’s house. She’ll show up. That’s Kristin’s nature, she’s the caretaker in our group, and I don’t want to be mothered. I don’t want anyone to make me feel better right now.
I try to remember what it was like when I lost my parents. Was I this devastated? I think I was, but I had Stephanie to worry about. I didn’t focus on the sorrow. I had to be strong, give her hope, and make sure we would be okay. My friends were around, but we were also college aged. It wasn’t like now.
Eli enters the room, and I use all my energy to stay upright. I tighten my arm, hugging myself together.
“Did you eat anything?” he asks.
“Not hungry.”
The bed shifts slightly as he climbs in next to me. “Okay.”
I look up, not expecting that. I figured he’d fight me to do something other than drown in my pain.
“Don’t look surprised. You have to grieve the way you want. I’m just trying to be here in whatever way you need.”
Tears fill my eyes, blurring him out a little. I lunge forward into his arms. I don’t know why or what comes over me, but I need him to comfort me. He falls back, taking me with him and wrapping me tightly in his arms. The tears fall silently as I listen to the beat of his heart.
He’s been here every second since it happened. Even when I couldn’t care for myself, he made sure I was okay. I turn my head so that I can see his face. Eli gives me a sad smile, and appreciation overwhelms me. These have been the worst hours of my life, and he’s stood by me.
“Thank you, Eli.”
He threads his fingers in my hair. “You don’t have to thank me.”
“We haven’t been together all that long.”
“It doesn’t mean that what we feel for each other isn’t real. I told you I wasn’t going anywhere, and I meant it.”
I close my eyes and another tear escapes from the corner. “I’m going to be sad for a bit.”
I might as well warn him now, let him run before I fall even harder. It would have to be him leaving, too. I don
’t think I’m strong enough to walk away even if I wanted to.
“Baby, look at me,” he urges. I open my eyes, and he sits up, causing me to have to do the same. “You should be sad. I didn’t know Stephanie like you did, and I’m sad. I don’t think you understand how I feel about us . . . about you. I’m not going to leave you because you’re sad. I’m not walking away, I’m staying here with you.”
“You leave in a week,” I remind him.
His hands grip my shoulders and then move to my neck. “I told my producers I’m not coming next week. I’ll go to New York after we figure this out.”
My fingers wrap around his wrist, and I press my forehead to his. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything,” he murmurs. “Just let me take care of you.”
His lips brush mine with hesitation, and I make the movement to connect us. It isn’t about passion. It’s about something deeper. Our kiss is soft, sweet, and comforting. In all the sadness, he gives me hope that the sun will shine again. It’s a brush of lips that tempts me to believe he’ll combat the clouds and ward off the storms so I can feel the warmth of the rays again. I hope he’s ready for Mother Nature’s fury.
Chapter Twenty
Heather
It’s been seventy-six hours since my sister died. I’ve been cocooned in the comfort of Eli’s home. He’s been patient, kind, loving, and attentive. When we first met, I would’ve laughed if someone told me this is what he’d be like. I assumed he was a rich, selfish, arrogant prick who only cared about his wants. Because . . . that’s the illusion of a celebrity.
I was wrong.
Eli is none of those things, except rich. He’s definitely that, but he’s never selfish with me. We’ve watched television, had takeout, and he’s held me as I’ve cried.
I wrap my arms around him and snuggle closer, inhaling his scent. I love the mix of soap, sandalwood, and musk that is him. He’s asleep, but he instinctively squeezes me tighter. I watch his face as whatever he dreams of makes him smile. I trace the lines on his cheek with the tip of my finger, grazing each little spike of his scruff.
“Hi.” He smiles as his eyes flutter open.
“Hi.”
He shifts a little lower to his side. “Did you sleep?”
I’m not sure that I’ve really slept since that first night. It isn’t for lack of trying, but my body won’t relax. The second night, I woke Eli with my sobs. I relived the entire event at the hospital, only this time I made it in time to watch her fade away.
My mind played every scenario out in the worst way. I don’t know now if it’s a good thing that I wasn’t there. If it was anything like I imagine, I know I wouldn’t be just mourning. I wouldn’t have survived. I was never more grateful for Eli’s presence than I was when I woke, covered in sweat and tears pouring down my face.
“I think I did.”
“Good. How about we grab some food?”
I haven’t eaten much, and thinking about food makes my stomach growl. “I guess I am hungry.”
He laughs. “Come on, I’m starved.”
I follow him into the bathroom and almost scream when I see my face in the mirror. My eyes have dark circles under them. Makeup is now dried on my skin, and I’m not sure if it’s somehow become permanent. I won’t even talk about the mess that is my hair. Jesus. I glance over at Eli, who looks as perfect as always. His hair only looks sexy in its disheveled state, there aren’t any dark circles under his eyes. The deep lines of his hips are more prominent as the basketball shorts hang loosely.
Eli’s eyes move to mine, and he appraises me. “What?” he asks with a grin.
I think he knows I’m checking him out, but I shrug, not caring that I got caught. “Nothing.”
He comes closer, pressing his lips to mine. “You look at me like that, and I can’t help but kiss you.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“You’ll figure it out soon enough.” His kiss is quick and silences me from asking what the hell he sees in my eyes.
When he pulls back, I open my mouth to get my question out, but he moves toward the shower, slowly removing his pants. I stare at his broad shoulders, the way his muscles tense on his back, his now bare ass, and I can’t speak.
For the first time in three days, I want something more to ease my pain. Not food, or him holding me. I need him to make me forget who I am. I feel alone, broken, and Eli has pushed me to stay out of the numbness.
I want to get lost in his green eyes and have him make me feel pleasure. He’s spent every minute ensuring I felt safe. I think back to what Stephanie said: You have to promise me that you’ll let your heart be open. Can you do that?
She was asking so much more than that. She was practically begging me to let myself be vulnerable enough to love again.
“Are you coming in?” Eli asks as he stands in the shower, water dripping down each delicious inch of him.
A thought strikes me, halting my feet. I was never more vulnerable than I have been the last three days. I let him see me at my lowest, and he’s still here with his hand outstretched, calling me to him.
I step toward the man who I never thought I’d feel anything more than lust for. Each stride forward cements what I already knew was happening—I’m falling in love with Eli Walsh.
The steam circles around us as we stand in front of each other. My heart races with the knowledge of my deepening feelings. How did I get here so fast? Is it true that when two people are right for each other, time is irrelevant? Out of all the people in the world, is he really who I’m meant to be with?
His green eyes fill with wonder, as if we’re sharing the same thoughts, and I know . . . I love him.
I lift my hand and place it on his chest. His heartbeat quickens as we both gaze at each other.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Eli’s voice is heavy with confliction.
I’m terrified that if I say the truth, he’ll laugh. I’m frightened that I’ll lose him, like I lose everyone else. The crippling fear keeps me from saying it, but I give him what I can. “That I’m not alone because of you. That I’m afraid of losing you.”
His arms wrap around my shoulder, clutching me as the water falls on us. “I told you, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”
I tilt my head back, believing what he says. “I want you to make love to me.”
He tenses, probably scared that I’m not ready. Each touch we’ve shared since that night has been in comfort, and he’ll never grasp the intimacy he showed in that.
“Heather . . .” He hesitates. “I’m not . . .”
“I know.” I put my hand to his lips. “I’m telling you that I need you. I need you to make me feel alive. I want you to make love to me because I want to make love to you.”
His eyes don’t leave mine, and I see the mix of desire and surrender. His fingers slide down my spine as I grip his neck. Both of us move in perfect harmony, and our mouths collide. Eli takes control of the kiss, entering my mouth, and pouring himself into the moment. Each swipe of his tongue solidifies my heart to him.
My hands move down his shoulders, over his thick arms and firm muscles, and then back up again. I love the feel of him beneath me. The way he emboldens me to give myself over.
The kiss continues as we touch each other. It’s as if I’m experiencing him for the first time. His mouth moves against my throat, kissing me as his lips find purchase where it drives me wild.
He moves back to my lips and takes my head in his hands. My gaze meets his, and I see it all. He’s as in love with me as I am with him.
Just as I was too afraid to say it, he doesn’t utter the words, either. However, I know, and I show him the same love back.
The intensity of his stare is too much. My breathing becomes shallow, and he drops his grip and takes my hand. “I want to do something,” he admits. “Will you let me take care of you?”
“You already have.”
I’ll give him anything he wants. I trust him m
ore than I’ve ever trusted any other man.
Eli fills his hand with soap, turns my back to his front, and starts to wash me. He starts at my neck, lathering the soap and moving ever so slightly down to my shoulders. “You have no idea how you make me feel,” he says against my ear. “How much I want to take away your pain. I want to make you smile, baby. I want to give you everything.”
I lean back against him, as he moves to my chest. “I need you so much,” I admit. “It scares me how much you mean to me.”
He spreads the soap across my body with care. We’re both naked, but it’s more than foreplay right now, it’s filled with meaning. Once he’s done washing me, I’m desperate for him.
I need him inside me. I need to feel whole. I need him to fill me with life.
His gaze is brimming with hunger. Neither of us can wait any longer.
He presses my back against the wall and his mouth finds mine. I pour out every ounce of love I feel from my body. I want him to feel how deeply I’m in love with him. My hand reaches for his dick, trying to line it up. I can’t wait. I have to have him right now.
“Heather,” he says against my skin. “We don’t have a condom . . .”
“I have an IUD, and I’m clean.”
His head drops to my shoulder, and he moans. “I’m clean, but are you sure?”
I look up, watching his green eyes beg for me to say yes. But there’s only one thing that falls from my lips. “I love you, Eli. I want you to make love to me.”
I stun myself with my admission and wait for him to freak out.
He pushes the wet hair from my cheek and smiles. “I love you. I loved you the day we were on the boat. I loved you the day your face was covered with paint. I might have even fallen in love with you when you screamed my name at the concert.”
The tears that fall this time aren’t from grief, but from hope. I’m not alone or lost, I found my home.
“You know, I’ve spent my entire life in Tampa, and I’ve never been here,” I state.
Eli chuckles as we continue walking on the trail. “I love this park, Randy used to take me here to fish when my dad was too drunk to be around.”
We Own Tonight Page 18
