by Edeet Ravel
I don’t want Linden’s house anymore, Xanoth. I just want a nice condo apartment with a sunken bathtub. And in winter I’ll go somewhere warm, and Jack can come with me.
Yours forever,
Fern
Tuesday
April 22
Hi Xanoth,
I didn’t tell you, but I’ve been visiting Victor pretty regularly, seeing as I have time in the afternoons now. When I come he always says, “Hi babe, what’s up and happenin’?” Then he makes us some tea.
I’ve told him all sorts of things about Mom and my jobs and Jack. I almost told him about you, but I caught myself at the last minute. You’re mine alone.
We had a good time today. I talked about my father and Mom and how mean I was to her, and he put on Tracy Chapman’s song Baby Can I Hold You. At first I thought she was saying that the only thing a person can do is apologize for what they did, but then I realized she was saying that the only thing a person can’t do is apologize for what they did. It’s impossible to apologize and it’s impossible to say you love someone. But it doesn’t mean you don’t feel it.
That song really made me feel better. The way she says baby can I hold you in that voice of hers. Like she’s right there in the room with you, telling you it’s OK.
Victor said, “What I like about you, Fern, is you’re not complaining all the day long.”
Well, I do complain, but I complain to you.
And I complained to Mom.
What Victor doesn’t realize is that you have to trust someone and be close to them to complain. You have to trust that they’ll still like you. Or that they won’t fall apart or begin talking about the right path. Maybe Mom knew that I complained to her because I knew it wouldn’t change how she felt about me. She didn’t say “I love you,” but that’s because of her shyness.
Jack’s right. Everything she did was to set up a life for me. And if she loved me without saying it, I think she knew I loved her, even though I didn’t say it either.
Three people gave notice that they’re leaving when their lease ends, so it’s going to be busy this week, with all the ads going in.
I probably won’t have much time to write, Xanoth. There’s a lot going on now in my life, and I need to concentrate on Earth and the people here. They need me and I need them. But even if you don’t hear from me as often, I’ll be happy knowing you’re there, Xanoth, somewhere in the universe, thinking of me.
Yours forever,
Fern
Acknowledgments
Patsy Aldana, the publisher of this book, was immediately taken by Fern’s story. I am very grateful for her faith and vision. Shelley Tanaka, my editor, was wonderfully attuned to the way the novel unfolded, and kept me on the right track. Thank you!
Joan Deitch, my fab email friend, read the manuscript and as always had wise and insightful thoughts about it. For many astute suggestions, I am grateful to Derek Fairbridge. My thanks to Shirley Simha Rand for ongoing encouragement. The book benefited from the perceptive comments of her son, Hart.
The Saver is dedicated to my nephew, Joshua. He has a beautiful spirit and great courage. I am proud of him.
My sweet daughter, Larissa, brings me the joy and balance that are essential to creativity, and keeps me in touch with a new world.
Not everyone we meet in our lives is going to be supportive. There will always be people who have too many problems of their own to be understanding and sympathetic. You must choose the right road for yourself, and that means traveling with the right people, too. And if they’re not the right people for you, step on the brakes and let them off. Then sail away!
Edeet Ravel (www.edeet.com) has a PhD in Jewish studies from McGill University and an MA in Creative Writing from Concordia. She is the author of a trilogy about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict (Ten Thousand Lovers, A Wall of Light and Look for Me), which has garnered major award recognition, receiving the Hugh MacLennan Prize for Fiction and the Jewish Book Award, as well as nominations for the Governor General’s Award, the Giller Prize, the Canada/Caribbean Commonwealth Prize and the Amazon/Books in Canada First Novel Award.
Edeet is also the author of the popular Pauline books for young readers, including The Thrilling Life of Pauline de Lammermoor, The Mysterious Adventures of Pauline Bovary and The Secret Journey of Pauline Siddhartha.
Edeet lives in Guelph, Ontario, with her daughter, Larissa.
