I head out of the bathroom and walk into the kitchen to grab myself a bite to eat. I look in the fridge and find myself the OJ and settle for that. I start to take a large mouthful when I’m launched into the fridge front first by a force from behind me.
“What the fuck?!” it momentarily winds me and I turn around straight into the fist of Blaine. I brace myself against the breakfast bar and stare down into Blaine’s angry eyes. His jaw is twitching, a sure fire sign he is pissed.
“What the fuck have you done to Sophie you son of a bitch?”
Sophie
I am sitting on the floor of my office as the memory of Josh’s hurtful words come back to haunt me. How could he be so damn cruel? We had a connection I just know it, the one man that I have actually fallen for and he decides to destroy me so completely. So for a stupid idiotic minute I thought that we could actually disregard my worries about my job and just give into our attraction.
How stupid could I really be?
This is exactly the reason I don’t do love. All love causes is a broken heart and leaving you torn and broken and unsure if whether you really want to trust or love ever again. I was totally blindsided on this one. For crying out loud it was Josh that chased me all the way! I should of just stuck to my gut instinct and told him no.
But oh no Sophie you just couldn’t do that, could you?
Josh will come out of this pretty damn well, me on the other hand, well this could well destroy my faith in love forever.
I glance up to see a figure standing beside me. Blaine is standing in front of me in nothing but his plain white boxers. I didn’t even hear him come in. I feel totally underdressed and vulnerable being in here with one of Josh’s band mates. I look a state and Blaine looks so well put together for just being up out of bed. The realisation only makes me cry again.
“Oh, Sophie what on earth is wrong with you, baby?” His soothing tone has me wanting to scream. I really don’t need his sympathy or his pity, all I want is for Josh to realise how much his words hurt.
“Look Blaine, I really appreciate your concern but it’s not something I would feel very comfortable discussing with you.” That’s the crux of the issue. Everything I say to Blaine would go directly back to Josh. Hell, he might have even sent Blaine in here to check up on me and to report back on how heartbroken he really made me.
Fucking Sadist!!
“Sophie you can discuss anything with me. You are like a sister to me. I will not stand for it if someone has hurt you.” God Blaine really does have a hidden side, what a caring, beautiful guy he really is. He should show it more often rather than being crass all the time.
“Oh Blaine, if I do tell you, you have to promise not to take it back to the others. Please, you guys are all too involved and I will not be the cause of you all falling out. Promise me.”
“Sophie I promise. Hell what is it; you are starting to scare me now.” Bless his heart. Pity I didn’t feel anything for Blaine, he has a heart of gold unlike his guitar playing douche mate. Josh’s heart is as black as the devil’s. That son of a bitch is so selfish.
Okay, okay Sophie calm down, he’s not worth your tears or your anger.
“I’m sorry Blaine I didn’t mean to scare you. For the first time in my life I have had my heart well and truly broken. I have been in relationships where there was no from me. Every time I dissolved the relationship I always hurt the guy. I really seem to have got it down to a fine art, but now I’m finally getting what was coming to me all along. I never knew what it was like to have someone completely rip out your heart from your chest while it was still beating.” I must look so pathetic opening myself up to Blaine like this. Like the little girl I am I sink down to the floor and cross my legs, letting the despair seep through my bones.
“Oh baby, is this about you and Josh or do you really have a relationship going on back home?” Oh sweet, innocent and also very clueless Blaine. If only this was to do with a relationship going on back home.
“Blaine it’s nothing that is or has ever happened back home. No one has affected me quite like Josh has. Blaine, I think I have been a complete and utter fool.” My pride hurts just as much as my heart does.
“Look Sophie, just tell me, maybe between the two of us we can work out the best way to fix things.” I burst out into a hysterical laugh that quickly turns into a heart wretching sob. This makes me angry because deep down I know that I shouldn’t feel like this about someone I have known less than a month.
“Blaine, I have fallen hard and fast for Josh. I thought that he had feelings for me but it turns out that I was nothing but a potential fuck.” I say the last part using my two index fingers indicating that those where his words.
“Did he say those words?” Blaine seems to be angered from what I have just said and I suddenly want to take back what I said.
“Look Blaine just forget about it, you don’t have to be concerned about me. I’m nothing to you guys all I am is Sophie the fashion stylist to you boys. As soon as this tour is over, our association will be over too. I’m just a stupid little girl to think that perhaps me and Josh may have had the chance at a shot of something more.”
“Look Sophie I don’t know what exactly has gone on between you two but the way he looks at you every time you walk into the room speaks for itself. His eyes light up and the stupid dick can’t stop grinning. I think you should start at the beginning and tell me how it all led to this, and what got you into such a state. Your pretty face is all blotchy, I much prefer pretty Sophie.” That gets my first genuine smile of the morning.
I take a deep breath and get ready to tell the story. No doubt it will have me crying again by the end of it.
“Well, I think everyone knows that Josh and I are attracted to one another. I have been rejecting his advances up until last night. I felt I had to maintain some kind of professionalism whilst we are living and working together. I thought it was the best thing for all concerned.”
“For what it’s worth Sophie, we all noticed that Josh wanted you but we all thought he was acting very different around you. Yes, he wanted you but it wasn’t like how he was when he was aiming to fuck a groupie.” Blaine rubs his temples as though he is totally confused by the whole situation.
“Well of course he is going to have acted differently Blaine. He can get whatever he wants from a groupie but I was making it very difficult for him.”
Those groupies are the bain of my life. Jumped up little skanks! Okay, Okay I’m jealous; there I have admitted it to myself.
“Watch out Sophie you almost sounded jealous there.” Blaine said with a cocky little grin on his face.
“Maybe a little, Blaine.”
“Okay Sophie so I want to know exactly what went down last night. Come on spill.” Well I had better get this over and done with.
“I was in the tub last night and in walks Josh to apparently take a slash. He offers to do something nice for me so I let him wash my hair, it was really lovely. He was very gentle and caring and not at all like the bad boy he has led me to believe exists. I think that’s why I was willing to give into my emotions and desires.
We got quite hot and heavy and he lifted me out of the tub and placed me back on the floor. For the first time we kissed and Blaine, no word of a lie it was simply heart stopping. The passion in it had me turning into a puddle. He felt it too I know he did so when we finally pulled away from each other I thought that we would take the next step and sleep with one another. That wasn’t to be though.
He wrapped me in my gown and just walked right out of the bathroom, he left me feeling empty and very hurt.” The story still has me wanting to cry like a banshee. It hurts my heart to see his face walk away from me.
“Sophie I really don’t understand why he would do that. I know you are different to him. It just doesn’t make any sense. So where does him saying you were just a potential fuck come in to it?” Poor Blaine looks completely clueless, it’s cute.
“Blaine I ran into him this mo
rning and he simply said to me that, what happened between us will never happen again. What did happen was a complete lack of judgement on his part; he won’t allow it to happen again. Josh and I can never be what I want us to be. I was going to be nothing more than a convenient fuck. He is on a bus with a bunch of guys and I’m the only woman around for miles so he thought why the hell not fuck her brains out. I wasn’t to make the mistake of thinking it was feelings of love or even that he cares about me. I mean absolutely nothing to him.” I remember the hurtful speech word for word.
“I’m going to fucking kill him!” Blaine storms out of the office and I’m left to consider how to deal with the events that will transpire today.
Chapter 8
Josh
“What the fuck Blaine?” I’m thrown off my feet and Blaine is holding me down by the shoulders with his right arm pulled back ready to beat the shit out of me if I don’t comply with his requests. Looks like I have really blown it this time. I’m a total screw up but even I know I have hurt Sophie beyond repair, and I fucking hate myself for it. I seriously just want to fuck her senseless. I think Blaine can see the conflict in my eyes and eases up off of me. I run both my hands through my hair and sigh at the great fucking mess I have made. If only I could get past the whole trust thing then maybe I could give my attraction to Sophie a proper chance at flourishing into something wonderful.
Who the fuck am I kidding? I have completely blown it now. She won’t want to be near me, not after breaking her heart without a second thought.
“Get the fuck up and sit on the god damned chair, you and I are going to have a little chat.” Blaine means business and I have no option but to do exactly what he says. Blaine is a very good friend and I don’t need him on my back. The disappointment in his eyes is upsetting to witness. I pull myself up off the cold hardwood floor and wander around to the stool beside the breakfast bar that Blaine is motioning me towards. I really could do without the pep talk today; we have so much other shit going on, what with our first gig in our tour being tonight
“Right dumbass, do you want to try and explain what the fuck you think you are playing at? What the hell is wrong with you?” Blaine has pure rage in his eyes. He is pissed for sure. I can tell I’m not going to get off with this lightly.
“I have no idea what you are talking about, Blaine.” I say matter of factly.
“Don’t fucking start you’re innocent bullshit with me, Josh. I know and you know exactly what you have done. Why Sophie, huh? What the hell has she ever done to you? You are constantly playing with that poor girls feelings blowing hot and cold with her all the time. She is too good for you and you know it.” Ain’t that the truth. She is too good for me and she is an amazing girl but I think the damage is done, nothing I say to her now can ever repair it. Not that I am going to let Blaine know what I’m feeling any time soon.
“Blaine, you don’t know shit man. As for blowing hot and cold with her I have no idea what you mean.” Maybe if I stick with this tactic of not having a clue what he is on about he will leave me the hell alone to work this fucked up situation out by myself.
“The only person you are fooling here is yourself, Josh. Sophie told me what you did and god only knows what is stopping me from beating the crap out of you right now. Why did you say those words to her? You know and I know it was complete and utter bullshit, so why the hell would you hurt her like that? She is an amazing girl and doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.” He is right, she is amazing and beautiful and so much more than any other girl I have known. I still don’t get why she affects me so much. No other girl has ever made me feel this way. I usually just fuck and leave. The end. I’m Josh Cairns for crying out loud, that is what I do. I don’t do feelings!
“Blaine, I…”
“Cut the crap Josh before you even start.” Blaine cut me off, this guy sure is on a mission to put me in my place. “I told you the innocent shit won’t work with me. I know you, I know what you are like with other women and I’m also damn sure that Sophie is so different to anyone else you have been with. We’ve been friends for a long time and I probably know you better than you know yourself. I see the way you are around her. You are different, any other girl and you would have had them thrown in the bedroom and screaming you’re name within minutes but not Sophie, why is that? If I am right about the way you are feeling, which I suspect I am why the hell did you tell her she would just be a convenient fuck? You’ve hurt her bad man.”
Blaine stopped and just stared, waiting for the truth.
I am busted. Fuck. Well here we go do or die. I have known Blaine like forever and he is not stupid I know I can’t lie any more to him than I can to myself any more.
“Blaine, you are right she is so different. I just love being around her. She just sees me, Josh. Not Josh Cairns, bad boy rocker and overall man whore. I am just a regular guy to her. Well I was, now I am just a regular asshole.” I sighed, bowing my head in shame. “This life we are living I wouldn’t change it for the world but we are public property, these fucking people think that they own us, that they have every right to touch us, demand photos every goddam minute and groupies who are so focussed on fucking us so they can run to the papers to have their fifteen minutes of fame. I love the music don’t get me wrong, it’s my passion. I couldn’t live without it but it’s just a game to these morons. They don’t fucking care that we are actually people, it’s all about fame and money to them. That’s what I love about Sophie, she has such high morals and wouldn’t just give in to me the first moment we met and she is not interested in the money or the fame. She wants me for me. Plus there’s so much chemistry between us it fucking kills me.”
Being honest felt good. I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Blaine just sat there wide eyed, he knew that I had it bad but the look on his face said he didn’t know it was this bad. “Wow, Josh I.....” He was cut off suddenly when Mickey stormed in the room.
“Well aint this fucking sweet. Did Josh tell you how he tried to break my face last night? He wants to get that temper under check. I have to keep my good looks for my sex hungry fans you know. He also needs to keep that woman of his on a tight leash. If he doesn’t you never know where the little girl may stray to.”
“You keep your fucking mouth closed about Sophie. She would never be interested in you. Fuck knows where you have been!”
“Same place as you Josh or have you forgotten about that?
“Mickey there is nothing that you can tell Sophie now that would make a blind bit of difference. I have fucked up with her and it was due to my own stupidity, so go ahead and do your worst. She can’t hate me any more than I hate myself.” Mickey is now standing toe to toe with me and I’m faced with the results of last night. He has a pretty impressive black eye.
“Oh Josh I intend to do my worst all right. Make no mistake about it. She will end up in my bed before the end of the tour and I can’t wait to see how much it destroys you.” I can feel the anger bubble up within me and just as I contemplate giving him another black eye to match Blaine intervenes.
“You two need to cut this shit out. Our future depends on the success of this tour. If we are all fighting we won’t get anywhere. Now shake hands and get over it.”
Mickey gives me his hand to shake and I do so grudgingly, this is far from over and both of us know it. Mickey won’t rest until he gets what he wants and I won’t rest until I finally have Sophie in my arms. He makes me so angry; it’s not as if he even has feelings for Sophie.
Sophie
I spend a lifetime in the shower trying to rid my body of the humiliation that I suffered last night. I let the warm stream of hot water soak down my body. The water leaves a hot impression upon my body and I find myself wishing that it was Josh’s touch. Although I have only had the pleasure of his touch during accidental brushes and THAT kiss, I feel myself craving for it even more. I want him with every fibre of my being. I may be opening myself up for more pain and heart break but I can�
�t help myself. I know he doesn’t want me now but I can’t just turn off my feelings like a tap. He obviously didn’t feel anything for me at any time, I feel like such a fool.
I get out of the shower and get dressed for the long day ahead. I throw on a pair of my cotton black professional pants and a business like white shirt. I have to work very closely with the boys today as they get ready for night one in San Diego. The bus took its time getting here. We had several stops along the way and enjoyed the sunshine for a while. We got to see some of the sights. We were all sick of being stuck in the bus and the boys had a few days off before the first show.
As for Blaine, that guy is worth his weight in gold. Never did he take sides whilst I cried my eyes out in front of him. He didn’t dismiss me and take sides with Josh, no he sat with me whilst I told my pathetic little story. When all was said and done he rose to my defence and confronted Josh about the whole thing, not that it made a blind bit of difference. Josh still didn’t come and apologise for his actions so I just assumed that that was his true feelings coming out. It still doesn’t help me any.
I head into my office and get the wardrobes sorted for this evening. The outfits are looking amazing. Despite the situation between Josh and I, I still want him to do well. I hope that his hand is strong enough to perform tonight. Today is going to be just frantic but least it will keep my mind off of the issue that is my attraction to Josh. Unfortunately nothing has died down for me in that department.
I head into the kitchen at lunchtime and prepare myself a cheese sandwich and pour myself a glass of orange juice. I settle down at the breakfast bar and start eating when I’m joined by Tanner and Zack. To be honest it’s a welcome distraction from both Mickey and Josh. When those two are in the same room there are just too many clashes of the ego. Yes, Zack and Tanner are a refreshing change and they both treat me with the utmost respect.
Rock Me Slowly Page 8
