I stroked my chin for inspiration. The window over the kitchen sink appeared sturdy and large enough for one tall, currently impotent villain to squeeze through.
Stepping on the nearest flowerpot, I stuck my hand through the opening of the kitchen window. Of course the union’s curse quickly kicked in. My other, free hand closed the window above me, nearly ripping my arm in two. I screamed and fell from my flower box perch, landing in a patch of rosebushes that would make a porcupine insecure.
“Pig, poke, peanuts!” I jumped around yanking thorns from my ass. Pain, like a thousand bee stings, burned my backside. “Ow! Ow! Ow!” I screamed, pulling at a particularly large thorn in my inner thigh. An inch to the left and the thorn would’ve ended my quest to get into Asia’s panties, and my will to live.
Asia stuck her head around the corner. “Are you all right?”
“I’m just peachy,” I said, yanking the thorn free and tossing it to the ground.
“You don’t have to be a jerk about it.”
Guilt rose inside me. I’d asked Asia to come along, after all. It wasn’t her fault I was now legally considered a villain / rose hybrid. “Sorry,” I said, gesturing to my now-holey jeans. My princess gawked at the torn fabric so long that I considered forgetting about Charming, tossing Asia over my shoulder, and making her scream my name. My real name.
Asia suddenly snapped from her staring contest with my crotch. She blushed a pink color at odds with her coppery hair and quickly ran back to the front door.
I watched the sway of her hips until she disappeared from view, and then got back to work. I needed to get inside Charming’s place, if only to prove he wasn’t the prince Asia believed him to be. In my impotent state, breaking in was impossible. But what if the door was already open? My lips curved into villainous grin.
“Ummm ... Asia, honey,” I said. “Do you smell that?”
“Smell what?”
“Smells like,” I sniffed my sleeve to keep my treacherous tongue from blurting the truth, “vanilla. I think Charming’s baking cookies.”
“Cookies? I love cookies!”
Two seconds later, Asia burst into Charming’s kitchen via the now-destroyed front door, hope and hunger burning in her eyes. She glanced around, her nose sniffing the air like a bloodhound. “There’s no cookies.” Her tone was both accusing and sad.
I winced, but assured myself the end justified the means, especially if at the end, Asia and I lay naked in a vat of cookie batter. I tapped on the kitchen door. “My bad. Can you open the door?”
Her eyes narrowed, but she did as I requested. Once inside, I took stock of Charming’s abode. The place wasn’t palace size, but it wasn’t a size-eight shoe either. The kitchen, living room, and library took up most of the first floor.
I searched each room quickly while Asia helped herself to a box of pink-coconut-covered snowballs. I checked under the couch, in the entertainment center, and even through a stack of CDs. Plenty of adult contemporary bullshit, but not a Devil’s Eye in sight. Damn.
I did find a picture of a much younger Charming, his arm wrapped around a little fat girl, her cheeks puffed out like a balloon. They looked happy. Like kids enjoying the last days of freedom before Charming School started. The round girl looked familiar. I peered closer. My beloved stared back. I smiled and ran my finger along the edge of the photograph.
The second floor looked like a replica of the first except it housed a bathroom large enough to fit the Jolly Green Guy. On the countertop sat soaps that smelled of exotic lands and enough hair products to coif an army of gay rats. Of course, the Eye was nowhere to be found.
My next stop chilled my blood.
Like Alice in the porn version of Wonderland, I found myself in a place I never wanted to be. Charming’s bedroom. All decorated in gold. Not the color but actual gold. My better, villainous half itched to relieve Charming of his lighter and easier-to-carry golden knickknacks. I shook my head. His pillow was even gold-plated. What kind of douche slept on a golden pillow? Guess that ruled out greed as motive for his murdering Cinderella.
I scanned the room for secret hiding places. A wall painting of a wolf in a tiara that looked suspiciously like the wolf corpse in King Maledetto’s library caught my attention. A wall safe maybe? My fingers slipped along the edges of the painting, but I found nothing but an annoyed dust bunny.
With teeth.
I jumped back and grabbed my dust bunny–chewed fingers. “Bugger it,” I said.
“Problem?” Asia stood in the doorway behind me, pink marshmallow clinging to her fingertips. She stuck her index finger into her mouth and sucked the goo from it.
I nearly swallowed my tongue, but managed a manly “Ummmmammmammaaaa.”
“What?”
I cleared my throat. “I can’t find Charming’s safe.” He had to have one. It was like a princely rule or something. That and unnaturally white teeth.
“Oh.” Asia strolled into the bedroom, yanked the bedspread from the bed, and tapped a few buttons on a console under the frame. A metal door popped open from a hidden panel. Without glancing inside the now-open safe, Asia walked back out of the room and down the hall. I stared after her, a sick feeling in my stomach. Just how well did my princess know the effeminate prince?
A minute later, the Devil’s Eye safely in my pocket, I headed down the staircase and into the kitchen. Asia sat at the table, a glass of wine, a bag of cheese doodles, a bowl of porridge, and a half-eaten cake in front of her. I snatched a cheese doodle from the bag and popped it into my mouth.
Asia growled.
“Let’s go.” I pulled my ten-pound heavier princess from her seat. The chair whined and started to crack. I caught Asia before her bottom hit the floor. “We’re done here.”
“But I haven’t finished my cake.”
Before I could comment, a high-pitched, girly shout came from the front of the house. The prince had returned. Asia glanced at me and then ran for the door, surprisingly fast for a chick wearing slippers made out of glass.
I ran out the door after her, tripped over one of said slippers, and landed face-first on the cement. Blood poured from my nose. I wiped it away with the back of my hand. Shakily I stumbled to my feet, grabbed the slipper, and limped up the block. My ankle ached like Dopey after a binge.
Over the thundering of my heart, I heard Prince Rotten exclaim, “Someone’s been eating my porridge!”
I winced.
“Someone’s been sitting in my chair!”
I limped a little faster.
A minute later, Charming yelped with fury. “Someone’s been messing with my bed!”
Sprained ankle be damned. I took off running at full steam, not even slowing as I passed Asia, who stood on the side of the road, puking her pretty, pretty princess guts up.
Chapter 20
Outside the palace, I fingered the Devil’s Eye in my pocket and contemplated the future. The one Asia would see once she gazed into the jeweled looking glass. Sure, her curse would be broken. But I feared my head would be as well. Asia didn’t strike me as the kind of girl to ignore a tiny thing like my total and complete villainy.
Even if, by some godmother’s magic, she accepted my occupational choice, what did I have to offer her? I was impotent, for fuck sakes. I had no money, a pilfered apartment, and one dead ex-wife. A real catch if you happened to be a wicked witch, but Asia was far from wicked.
Oh, why couldn’t she be a little more wicked? Not Natasha evil. No, been there. Done that. But maybe a nice “poison Snow White’s apple” sort of depraved. Someone I could spend the rest of my villainous days living in fear of. Just like dear old Mum and Dad.
“You ... could ... have ... waited ... for ...” Asia stumbled to my side and paused to catch her breath. “... fuck ...it.”
She grabbed my arm and hustled me inside the palace, not even stopping to offer Winslow a friendly hello. I gave the butler a small wave, nearly tripping on the rug as Asia ushered me up the stairs.
; By the time we reached Cinderella’s pink room, I was as out of breath as she was. That didn’t stop Asia from kicking the bedroom door open, clapping fairy sconces to life, and tossing me on the bed like a Frisbee.
“Wha—” was all I got out before Asia’s tongue buried itself in my mouth. Interesting. It seemed my princess was a little more wicked than I first suspected. I wrapped one hand around the back of her neck and deepened an already tonsil-cleansing kiss.
My other hand found its way into the folds of Asia’s kimono. I stroked her soft flesh, my heart racing like a hormonal teen on prom night. I wanted her like I never wanted another princess.
Asia pulled away and stared down at me. “I’m a bad, bad girl.”
“Do you need a spanking?”
She laughed and threw her legs over mine. The warmth of her against my jeans drove me over the edge. Her hands fisted in my T-shirt, nearly ripping it from my body. My fingers gripped her waist, kneading her yielding flesh. I wasn’t sure how long I could last. My body felt as hard as steel, and just as red hot. If I didn’t have Asia soon I’d go insane.
Or maybe I already was.
With the way Asia’s fingers roamed the button fly of my jeans, that line wasn’t all that clear. I ran my hand across the plane of her stomach, enjoying the nooks and crannies like one does with an English muffin. My mouth went dry at the feel of her velvety skin against my calloused palm. I paused to regain a shred of control—not a smart move when dealing with a half-naked, self-conscious princess.
“You do want me?” She bit her lip, tears welling in her jade eyes. “I’m not wrong about that.”
I bit out a harsh laugh. “What gave it away?”
She shifted her weight, pushing her lacy panties against my rigid erection. I groaned, my breath coming in gasps. My fingers groped for the strap of her kimono. I had to have her. Now.
She raised her hand. “Wait.”
“I don’t think I can.”
Her index finger ran up my naked chest and she leaned over me. Her breasts pressed against me, silk and skin. I nearly came right then. Asia clapped her hands. The fairy lamps winked out.
I clapped my hands.
The fairies sprang to life and again the room lit up.
Asia raised an eyebrow.
“I wanna see you.” My hands once again pulled at her clothes. She shook her head. I nodded. For once in my life, I’d be the victor or die trying, which wouldn’t be a bad way to go.
Tears sprang into Asia’s eyes. “I’m fat.”
“You’re perfect.” I lifted her butt in my hands, enjoying the weight of each fleshy mound of princess. “Thin, fat, wicked or not, you are perfect. Don’t ever think you’re not.”
For a second Asia said nothing. She simply stared at me, her bottom lip quivering. Finally, she glanced at the palms of her hands and then at the brightly lit fairies overhead. “If any of you laugh,” she said to the tiny blondes locked in their lightbulb cages, “I swear to God I’ll barbecue the lot of you.”
I grabbed her face and kissed her like a princess deserved, all tongue and teeth. One taste of the princess in my arms would not be enough. Never enough. I blinked away that girlish thought to focus on the woman now licking my navel. Our clothes disappeared, and we made love to the horrified gasps of the prudest fairies in all the land.
The next morning, I yawned, stretched, and cracked an eye open. Then I screamed like a little girl.
Dru lay on the bed next to me, her unibrow looking even furrier in the bright morning light. I scrambled from the bed, suddenly aware of the crispy air on my balls. I dove back under the covers.
“Do you wax?” Dru asked.
“What?” I lifted the covers and glanced down at my boys. Still there. Still hairy.
Dru shook her head and tapped the space between my eyebrows.
“Oh,” I said. “Nope. I’m all natural.”
“Charming uses wax.” Dru rubbed her unibrow. “He said he’d show me how.”
“Figures,” I said under my breath. “Listen, Dru. Your prince will come, and he’ll love you no matter what.” The poor bastard. “Don’t settle for less.”
She nodded.
I waited.
She just continued to stare at me.
I motioned to the door. “Did you need something else?”
“No.”
“So do you mind?” I again gestured to the door. “I’d like to shower before Asia gets back.”
Dru bit her lip. Tears welled in her eyes, traveling down her pale cheeks like raindrops against a Ford Pumpkin. Dread filled me. I wanted to run, run from the words pouring from Dru’s tongue. “Asia’s not coming back,” she said.
“What!?!” I threw the covers back, searching the floor for my jeans. I found them half hidden under the bed. Pulling them on, I hopped toward the door. “Asia!” No answer. I tried again. “Asia?”
“I’m sorry, Rum,” Dru said.
“But why?” It took a moment for her words to settle in. “What did you call me?”
“Rum.” She paused as if unsure. “Rumple Stiltskin, right? That is your name.”
“Who told her?” I pictured Prince Rotten tattling on me, and Asia’s face as the ramifications of fucking a villain like me settled in. The horror and shame my poor princess must feel. Not only had I lied to her, but I’d probably ruined her only chance at finding her sister’s killer. Or ending her curse.
“No one told Asia.” Dru folded her hands together. “She saw it.”
Oh shit! I dug into my pocket. Sure enough, just like my future, the Devil’s Eye had vanished. I ran out of the door and down the stairs. Winslow opened the front door, and without stopping, I burst through it.
“Wait,” I yelled to Asia’s Ford Pumpkin as it bounced down the cobblestone driveway. “Let me explain.”
I wasn’t sure if Asia could hear me, but I had to try. I couldn’t lose her. I ran faster. My ankle, weakened from yesterday’s adventure, threatened to crack in two. “I didn’t mean to deceive you,” I cried.
Halfway down the driveway my ankle snapped and I fell to the dirt. “Please.”
The Pumpkin vanished around the bend.
My head drooped and my shoulders followed. I’d lost her. I’m not sure how long I sat grief-stricken in the morning sun. Maybe minutes, maybe an hour. Time no longer mattered. I’d lost my princess.
“What the hell are you doing?” a woman screeched.
I lifted my head to glare at whoever dared to intrude upon my heartache.
Asia.
She stood a few feet away, her hands on her newly slim hips. “Well?” She motioned to my sprawled form. “What have you got to say for yourself?”
“I—”
Her fist smashed into my nose.
Blood exploded from my flattened nostrils. I didn’t bother to wipe it away. Instead, I jumped to my feet and gobbled Asia up in a hug. She continued to punch me, but her blows felt like kisses in comparison to the pain in my heart when I thought I’d lost her.
“Let me go!” She went limp in my arms. “Please.”
I released her and stood back to examine my ladylove. She had changed overnight. Literally. Gone were the extra rolls of fat and her double D-cup breasts, her chubby arms and swollen feet, the cleft in her backside where I’d spent plenty of time last night. Apparently, three hours of adventurous sex burned trillions of calories. Either that or my pretty, ugly princess had broken her curse.
Damn.
“Why, Rum—?”
“RJ,” I corrected. “My name is RJ.”
She nodded, her eyes growing wet with tears. “Why’d you lie?”
I hadn’t, but now wasn’t the time to bring up my own curse, as “nice” as it was. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” For a second, she looked uncertain. My heart beat faster. Maybe there was still a chance, a chance to solve Cinderella’s murder, thereby restoring Asia’s faith, and ultimately her love, for me. I could make things right. I just needed her to listen. To underst
and. I cleared my throat. “When I saw you drive off this morning ... My—”
“What?!” Her head spun to the empty parking space where her Ford Pumpkin once sat. A dark oil stain was all that was left of her vehicle. “Son of a bitch. Call the sheriff. Someone stole my car.”
Chapter 21
Two hours later, Bruce, the pointy-eared sheriff of Maledetto, waved good-bye as his patrol pumpkin disappeared from view. I stood next to Asia on the palace lawn. My princess turned around and glared at me.
“What?” I asked.
Asia pulled the Devil’s Eye from the pocket of her jeans. It shone in the sunlight like the Hope Diamond, beautiful and just as cursed. “You had it all along?”
I held up my hand. “No.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Okay, so I found it two days ago.” Shut up, shut up, my brain screamed to my treacherous tongue. “But that was before I knew what it was.” I slapped my hand over my mouth, but my lips kept moving, spewing mumbled secrets until Asia looked ready to scream.
“Charming had it?” Asia yelled. “That’s why we broke into his place?”
I nodded.
“It’s all been a lie,” she said. I wasn’t sure if her comment was rhetorical, but I decided, in my best villainous interest, to remain silent. “Did you even mean it?”
“Mean what?”
“That you wanted me. Or was that part of your devious plan too?” She shoved me, and I stumbled back a step. “Is that how you get your jollies? Making cursed girls fall in love with you?”
“Heck no,” I said. It took a moment for her words to fully register. “Wait. Do you love me? That’s what you said. You can’t take it back.” Happiness swelled inside me, which made me a bit queasy.
“Love you? A villain? Never!” She glanced over her shoulder to the front door of the palace. The king, queen, and Dru stood in the archway, their faces pinched and judgmental. A look every villain this side of New Never City was familiar with.
Curses! Page 10
