by Maxi MacNair
Without even sounding the least bit disappointed Shane picked up his pack and bedroll and said, “Well looks like I get to sleep under the stars tonight,” and turned to walk out the door before Jen could get over herself and tell him it was going to be fine and they could share the room. She quickly grabbed the key from the owner and ran after Shane. He was standing just standing in the parking lot looking around trying to figure out where the best place would be to set up camp for the night. “Don’t be an idiot Shane,” said Jen, “we can be grownups and share the room tonight.”
“Fine by me,” said Shane as he shrugged a little. It was strange but Jen was starting to get a feel for Shane and his mannerisms. To anyone else it could seem like Shane didn’t care one way or another where he slept, but Jen could sense and knew that he was happy and relieved to be sleeping in doors.
When they got into the room Jen felt her need for food was a little more urgent than her need to get cleaned up and so told Shane to use the shower first. Shane smiled and remarked, “It’s a little early for me, but okay I guess.” Jen jokingly glared back at him and couldn’t believe she actually chuckled at that as she left the room to walk across the road to the only diner in town.
The food was good and Jen was hungrier than she thought. She wolfed down the whole plate faster than the waitress at the counter expected. “You eating for two,” the waitress said giving her a coy but knowing look. “Y-y-ya”, Jen stuttered out, “how do you know that?” “Oh, when you’ve had five yourself kind of know these things. Plus not even waiting to clean up or for your husband back in the room to come join you gave it away a bit.” Without even missing a step or looking like she even considered the fact that she could have been totally wrong the waitress grabbed the empty plate. “Pie?”, she asked in a voice that reminded the listener that she was saying something that she says thousands of times a month.
“Ya, I guess if I’m eating for two, then pie sounds right,” said Jen letting down her guard a bit. The truth was that she felt completely relieved to have this out in the open, and to not feel judged like she imagined she would be by anyone who found out. Jen then quickly realized the waitress didn’t know the whole story and said, “you know he’s not my husband though.”
“Hmmm, could have fooled me the way the two of you seemed together walking into Jimbo’s motel across the road there”, the waitress said not seeming fazed at all with this information. She put down a huge slice of apple pie, along with the bill, and said over her shoulder as she started back to the kitchen, “you should really take the ride home a little easier if you want a little advice from someone who’s been in your shoes a few times before.
That last comment threw Jen for a loop. On the one hand, it was a little judgement, but somehow it felt warm, comforting, and helpful coming from this woman. For the first time as well Jen was thinking about the health of the living thing growing inside her. She spent the time it took for her to devour that huge slice of pie trying to think of all the advice she had randomly heard or read that were about her situation, which she was frightened to realize wasn’t that much at all.
When she got back to the room Shane was sitting on the bed watching T.V. He was clean and fresh. He smelled great and was wearing a new shirt, which was really all he had room for in the small pack he brought with him. Shane quickly jumped up when she came in. It was strange how different his face looked now. Before Jen could only see it in a lustful sense she admitted to herself, but there was also usually a hardness to his look that somehow wasn’t there now Jen had just noticed. He looked somewhat vulnerable in that moment.
“Food’s good across the street,” she said.
“Great I’m starving,” Shane replied starting to pull on his boots. “I figured I would give you a little space since we’re going to stuck in the same room tonight.”
“Thanks, ya, enjoy your meal, and definitely go for the pie for dessert.”
Shane smiled like there was never any doubt in his mind that he was going to have dessert tonight
“I might start with the pie”, he said right before walking out the door.
Jen felt full and satisfied as she walked across the room to the bathroom to have that much needed bath. Shane’s pack was neatly resting next to the door to the bathroom and Jen took notice of this little symbol of his presence along with the damp towel hanging on the rack as she started unbuttoning her shirt and turned on the hot water. The shower had made her feel her weariness from the day and with only a towel wrapped around her fell asleep on the bed.
Jen dreamed of a place far away from the ranch, a place where she could decide to raise a child on her own without being judged, or not raise a child at all and not be considered some kind of bad person by those who held different beliefs than her own. For awhile, in her dream, the place only had her. There was no one else. Then slowly other people floated in and out of the place. One of those people was Shane. He was doing something on his horse, which was strange because the place she was in wasn't suited for horses. It was a prairie filled with gopher holes and other kinds of obstacles that would make riding a horse very dangerous. But Shane didn't seem to mind, and rode his horse right up to the little house that she was in.
By the house ran a creek, and that's where Shane tethered his horse before heading inside to speak with Jen. When Shane got inside he couldn't speak though. And it wasn't that Jen couldn't hear him, it was that Shane lost the ability. He started to panic, pointing at his mouth and trying to make sounds. When that didn't work he flailed his arms and jumped up and down, spurs jingling. Jen tried to find something for him to write on but the sky outside went dark suddenly, and a tornado touched down at the edge of the valley. Jen and Shane stood on the porch and watched the twister move towards them slowly, as if it was finding it's way foot by foot. Jen knew they should both be running away, but in this dream the two of them could do nothing but stand there and watch it come closer and closer. Eventually the funnel cloud was upon them. Just when Shane screamed, Jen woke up.
She was in the bed in the hotel and she could tell by the light that it must’ve been really early in the morning. Shane must have slipped into the room when she was sleeping. Not that he needed to wait that long. Jen fell asleep in her towel on the bed. She woke up under the blankets though with the towel open and bunched up underneath her. Shane was sleeping on the couch that was in the room. Jen put two and two together and realized that Shane must’ve come into the room last night and found her there sleeping in a towel on the bed, and help her get under the covers. Jen hoped that the towel hadn’t slipped off her body and that she gave him somewhat of a show during the whole getting under the covers process. Shane stirred a bit, but was still sleeping. It looked to Jen that Shane was having a strange dream himself, and she could hear him mumbling, but couldn’t quite make out what he was saying.
As quietly as she could, Jen slipped out of the bed and over to her bag to grab some clothes to put on. Shane wasn’t making any sounds anymore, but Jen didn’t notice as she let the towel drop to the floor that she was holding up with one arm covering the front half of her naked body. She was halfway done buttoning up her shirt when Shane cleared his throat. Jen quickly spun around to see Shane still laying on the couch, but with his eyes wide open now. Shane looked so handsome in the morning light. He was so muscular, and the blanket only covered him from the waist down allowing Jen a view of his chiseled abs. His black hair was slightly messed up, but it looked good on him with his one hand behind his head and his elbow pointed up to the ceiling. Jen could feel his eyes on her, and quickly wondered what he would think of her body as it changed and grew with the baby that was inside of her. She never thought of what he thought of her body before in the shower when they had sex and the two of them created this baby. Then she was only thinking about how good it felt to have him inside of her.
“How long were you watching me just now?” she asked. “You probably got enough of a show last night with me falling asleep in a towel befo
re I could get my pajamas on.
“Not that long,” Shane said with a small smile. “But I'm glad that I woke up when I did.”
“Well we should better get going,” Jen said as she started pulling up her jeans, giving up caring if he was seeing her undressed or not now. After all, he had already had his hands fingers and mouth on all her intimate areas already, Jen silently reminded herself. “I know I'll be riding slow today, so we can't dally here now.” It was strange, but saying those words that were like a massive weight being lifted off of Jen’s shoulders. She didn’t care if Shane understood or not, but saying that was just like shouting out loud that she was keeping the baby. The words were more like an official declaration to herself that no matter what, she was going to go through with this and was going to be a mom.
Shane nodded and got out of bed letting the blanket drop off of him obviously not catching the significance of what she just said. Apparently, Shane slept in the nude. He stood for a moment and stretched letting Jen see everything, and apparently not ashamed in the least that he obviously enjoyed watching her get dressed a little more than he was letting on. Jen smirked and thought back to that night as she watched Shane shower from the dark corner of the room. How erotic the whole situation was. She had to shake her head a bit when Shane wasn’t looking and was slipping on his boxer shorts.
“Breakfast before we leave,” Jen asked.
“I’ll meet you there,” replied Shane as Jen grabbed her bag and started for the door.
At breakfast, Shane sat down at the table across from Jen. The waitress from the night before wasn’t working. This morning it was a young girl probably still in high-school. After they ordered and the young waitress brought Shane a coffee and Jen an orange juice Shane leaned in to speak.
“You know, I took a while last night to come back to the room. I felt like we both needed some space to process everything that’s going on.” Shane said as Jen looked down at the table wanting to concentrate on what Shane was going to say seeing as he wasn’t the type to open the conversation that often. “I actually went to the stables and grabbed Salem to go for a ride,” he continued. “I think better on a horse. Sometimes I feel like that’s the only place that I can think clearly enough to see what I really want. Anyways, I know that what I said to you yesterday still feels right. What I really want is to do this with you.”
Jen blushed and was surprised by the joy those words brought her. “Why though,” Jen asked wanting some kind of explanation for his feelings that would make sense.
“I don’t talk about this much, but this wouldn’t be my first kid. When I was still in high-school a girl that I was seeing got pregnant. Where I’m from teenagers weren’t supposed to be doing that so my parents and her parents were pretty much destroyed. They basically disowned us along with the rest of the community around us. So at 16 I left home with my pregnant girlfriend not knowing how I was going to provide for myself let alone a family.
Jen listened on silently letting Shane unburden himself.
“We tried to get by for a while, and she was able to get a job in restaurant serving while I washed the dishes to pay for the rent. But when it got to the point where she couldn’t work anymore I fell to pieces. I couldn’t provide and I knew it so one night I called her parents and told them where she was and then jumped on the next bus out of town. I landed here in Utah and took the first job that would have me, which just happened to be a job working on a ranch. It was working on a ranch that I found something that I loved to do so I never looked to doing anything else.
“What about your girlfriend and the child?” Jen asked trying to learn as much as she could about Shane while he was feeling so open to sharing.
“Her parents came and got her, and I send money when I can to her, but the child won’t ever know that I’m his daddy if her and her parents have anything to do with it. Which I guess if for the best, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about it often. Out riding last night I just knew that my first feelings and what I first said was right and that I couldn’t let this chance go by. Now that I’m older and know more I know I can provide and hopefully down the road give you both everything you’ve ever wanted.”
Just then their breakfast was brought to their table by the young waitress. The waitress could feel the heaviness of the conversation and dropped the plates off without a word. It wasn’t until the waitress turned away that Jen felt a tear form which she quickly wiped away and picked up her fork smiling. “Thanks for saying that,” was all she could say truthfully right then. Apparently, it was good enough at that time for Shane as he picked up his fork and the two of them ate in silence for the first time together.
~Possible Happiness~
Even during the early morning, the sun overhead started beating down on Jen relentlessly, making her hat feel hot to the touch. There was just something about the way though it felt to be out and on a horse, something about how it felt to be outdoors with no roads or people around except those you were traveling with. There was a lot of potential in the air, and Jen didn't want to lose it. The ride had given her the mentality that she wanted to grab as much as she could from life, which felt so amazing to her. Not just the big parts like taking in the glory of nature, but the little things, like every second of chasing down a stray calf, like how she threw the rope just right so the calf that had bolted from the herd wasn't hurt, or the way she held Shane's hand just a second longer than needed when he helped her out of the saddle to refill her canteen from the creek they were crossing. On the slow ride back to the ranch, and for the first time since her life-changing discovery, she saw her life as filled with possibility and not just tragically limited by the life growing inside of her.
Jen knew the whole day that Shane wanted to go faster. Even the horses were constantly pushing to speed up to a trot or a gallop, but Jen wasn’t about to let that happen now that she had decided to do everything she could to protect her baby. She just didn’t want to take that risk. Jen could read it in Shane’s eyes that it was almost torture for him to be on his horse and constantly pulling back on the reins with wide open country all around him, but still he did it. Even during the midday and late afternoon heat when Jen knew a brief gallop and the cool rush of the wind moving past them would be so welcome to both of them at that point, Shane stayed on pace with her. Sometimes a few horse lengths behind, sometimes a few ahead, and often times in silence alongside her. That part of the ride was nice, but other than that the ride home was almost torture for Jen.
The way she felt in morning gave way to an almost physical hell by the early afternoon. She just felt exhausted, and then by three in the afternoon she had already thrown up four times. She wondered how early she was in the pregnancy. She'd thought it had been pretty early and hadn't thought that there had been anyway that she would have had morning sickness so soon. The whole physically tortuous day though Shane was there for her. Jen could tell he wanted to pick up the pace even more so as the sun started to set, but he never mentioned it. In fact, the only things that came out of his mouth that day were, “do you need to stop?”, and, “do you have enough water?” Most days the silence would have been pretty frustrating eventually, but Jen was happy for it given how she felt. As the night started creeping up, Jen realized that they weren’t going to make it back home without riding for half the night. It was something Shane probably knew within the first hour of the journey after he saw how slowly they were going to go the whole day.
As they came up to a creek, Shane dismounted and grabbed Jen’s reins and said that they needed to camp there for the night, which Jen was more than happy to hear. Shane helped Jen off her horse and she went straight for the creek to splash water on her face. Shane tied up the horses and started setting up a camp with the bedrolls they had with them and building a fire with the pieces of wood lying around. It didn’t take him long to collect enough for the night, and the two of them had a cozy fire going right before they lost all of the light from the day.
&n
bsp; Jen was feeling much better after cleaning up especially now that her body wasn’t being shifted left to right, forwards and backwards like it was on the back of a horse. She was feeling much better and that also meant that she realized that she hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. She was starving and like he was reading her mind Shane pulled a can of stew from his bag, quickly opened it, set it next to the fire and handed Jen a spoon. “Now this is a real cowboy feast,” he said as he started to open up his own can. Jen chuckled at his remark and couldn’t wait for the stew to warm up. She didn’t like canned stew at all, but she didn’t really care what type of food it was at that point, and there was something about being outside under the stars and beside a fire that made it smell amazing as it heated up. There was only one spoon and Shane let Jen eat first. When she was done Shane took a few small and slow spoonfuls from his can and then handed it over to Jen. “I’m actually not that hungry right now. Do you want the rest of this. It’s either that or it goes to waste,” he said with a look on his face that told her he honestly would rather have her eat it than eat it himself. “Well okay then, if you're not going to,” said Jen. The cans were actually pretty small and one was not enough for Jen at that point.
She felt bad, but noticed how satisfied and happy Shane was when she took the can from him and started eating. When Jen finished she went to the creek to wash off the spoon and when she came back Shane had just finished putting another log on the fire and was leaning back on his bedroll with his hand behind his head, one foot pulled in with his knee in the air, and his cowboy hat pulled down over his eyes. It looked like a poster for a movie or something. Jen took in the image for a moment or two and then sat down next to him. Before she could say anything Shane spoke up.
“Nothing's changed you know. I'm willing to settle down and raise the child with you if that's what you want,” he said. “I get the feeling you don’t trust me yet though. I told you everything you should know, and you haven’t said much about what your thinking. I want you to know that that doesn’t bother me or make me change my mind. We can work it out, and I’m willing to trust you and love you no matter what happens down the road.”
