by Bry Ann
“Yes, thank you.”
“Is she okay?” Tobias sounded annoyed with himself for asking, but, fuck, he asked. Some part of him cared.
Anatoli put his hand over the phone and whispered to me.
“He doesn’t know you can hear this and he will turn on us out of humiliation if you hear him give a shit. So, keep your trap shut.”
Then he removed his hand and went back on the line.
“She’s panicked. She really cares about this kid though T. Wants a life for it outside of this. She cried. Like tears.”
“The bitch cried? Well fucking shit. She has a heart.”
“I told you she did.”
“Okay well, you know this, but don’t tell her I’m involved.”
His voice was cold, back to normal.
“Never dream of it T. I won’t let anyone know you have a heart somewhere in there.”
“Fuck off.”
“Bye T.”
The phone went dead, and Anatoli turned to me with a cocked eyebrow. “See. He’s not all rage and thunder. He may be the only person who has a bigger wall up than you.”
“But he trusts you…?”
Anatoli’s eyes flickered with pure deadly rage. The promise of revenge, of murder. His jaw was tight, and I was actually afraid for the person it was directed towards.
“I was the one who found him.”
“Oh,” I mumbled. “Do you just work to find people with the shittiest pasts and bitchiest personalities?”
Anatoli laughed. “Seems like it,” he mumbled. “Now let’s get moving.”
Anatoli already had my bag ready and I was changed. Anatoli threw the bag on the couch.
“I called a taxi quite a while ago. I just got a message on my private cell that he’s outside. Take this bag with you. The zipper is sturdy. It’s a bag I used in rough terrain back in the day. I put quite a bit of cash in there, T-shirts, basketball shorts you can tie or shit, who the fuck knows. Buy pants fast. I put some basic bathroom stuff, a water bottle you can refill and some non-perishable food.” Anatoli sighed. “That’s all Alex. That’s all I can do, that’s all I have to give.”
“Anatoli. Thank you. Fucking thank you.”
He nodded firmly, clearly emotional. I let it slide without giving him shit. Mainly because I felt emotional too.
“Good luck Alex. I don’t know what sort of shit you’ve been through. Do right by your kid. For what it’s worth… I’m sorry you don’t who the father is.”
Aka, he’s sorry I got stuck screwing so many men you have no idea who the father is.
“Me too, but you’ve made up for it Anatoli. More than.”
I was halfway out the door with my hand on the edge of the frame, looking back.
“Time to go маленький. You once told me you were better than all of this. Go prove it.”
I shot him a confident smile. “I already did. When I came here for my kid.”
I winked and walked out the door. The last image I had of him was him shaking his head at me and smiling. Proud.
It was the perfect goodbye. I was getting good at goodbyes.
I threw the bag in the backseat and told the driver to take me to the airport. The driver nodded, and I looked through the window at Anatoli’s house. I’d miss it. It was a safe place for me for a lot of years. As the driver started to pull away I pulled my attention forward. I didn’t mind looking at what was right beside me, but I refused to look back. I down right fucking refused. I put my hand on my belly. I couldn’t feel anything, but I knew there was a life in there.
“It’s okay baby. I’m gonna get you out of here. Somewhere safe. I promise.”
“You pregnant?” the driver asked.
“Yes.” I held my belly proudly.
“Little young, don’t ya think?”
His judgement pissed me off. “I’m gonna be a damn good mother sir. Shut your mouth about things you know nothing about.”
The driver shut up after that. We rode in silence all the way to the airport. When he dropped me off he didn’t say two words to me. I just about shit my pants when I opened my bag to pay him and saw how much money Anatoli left me.
“Fuck,” I whispered when I saw the loads of cash in the bag. I handed the guy the bare minimum for being an asshole and headed into the airport. I bought a walk on ticket to a flight to Nashville. I was nervous about security but got through fairly easily. Once I passed security I realized Pytor would probably have men hanging around the airport in case I tried to leave. I hid in the women’s restroom, and just to be sure decided to wait in a stall in case he had women on his side. I could never be too sure. It was uncomfortable, but I just hung my bag on the door and sat criss cross on the toilet as I held my stomach. When it was five minutes till boarding time I made a full-on sprint for my gate. I was out of breath when I got to the gate. The lady raised an eyebrow at me, but I shot her a desperate look and she hurriedly let me on the plane. I didn’t relax until I was in my seat. Then I slouched and took a deep breath. I still stayed as hidden as possible, but I felt a lot better knowing I was flying away from this mess, and the girl I was in it. I landed in Nashville several hours later. I got out and headed down the streets of Nashville with the utmost confidence. No one would make me a victim in this town. I wouldn’t let myself be seen as weak again. That’s how Pytor trapped me. I was hungry and weak, and he knew it. Never again.
After wandering around for an hour I found an apartment that looked relatively safe and affordable. I paid the guy my security deposit, first and last month's rent and was good to go. He had extra rooms. I used Anatoli’s skill to get approved without having credit. He showed me how to hack some shit and faked some paperwork for me. I slept on the floor for the six weeks. I tried desperately to get a job, but no one would hire me. I had no experience, no friends, no connections. I was a young pregnant screw up. Even the lowest class jobs wouldn’t hire me. It wasn’t some fairytale. I couldn’t even get someone to take pity on me.
Eventually I bought a guitar. Something most people never knew about me was I was a pretty good guitar player and singer. I just never showed anyone because it was my outlet. Mine. I was getting desperate though, and I knew some nightclubs and coffee shops would hire me to sing and play. I was pretty good. I auditioned at one place and got the gig. As soon it was booked, and I knew I had a paycheck coming, I booked an appointment with the local OBGYN. She was friendly. I was a little late in booking my first appointment, but she didn’t judge me for my age. She didn’t judge me for booking the appointment late. She just listened. She asked me who the father was, and I was honest. I told her I was a halfway trapped into being a high-end prostitute and didn’t know. She marked it down and didn’t say another word about it.
She put this nasty ass goo on my stomach and started rubbing this device all over it. In that moment, with the nasty ass goo all over my stomach, my whole world changed. I saw a little speck and that little speck was my kid. My own kid. It felt like my heart stopped beating. I wanted to give that kid the world. I think I just said wow one hundred times to the doctor. I was in shock. The doctor smiled and told me the baby looked healthy. It was the best thing I’d ever heard. Everything I’d been through was worth in that moment for that little baby.
The next three months were a haze of gigs, doctor’s appointments and overall just laying low. I made my apartment this cute little space. It was a very multicolored bright apartment, but I had the baby nursery painted yellow and blue, something more organized. It was the cutest thing ever. The crib was so tiny. It was the perfect spot for a baby girl. Yep, I was having a girl. Anna. The second I found out my heart burned that I had no one to tell. My mind went to Rex and Mia, and then Anatoli of course. Anna was named after Anatoli for saving us. I just hoped he didn’t get into trouble for it. I prayed he never got caught. He was a good soul.
When I got into town months ago I’d dyed my hair blonde with bright red streaks and cut in heavy bangs. I looked very different. I almos
t dyed it something ‘normal’ to make a good impression on my child after I found out I was having a girl but decided against it. I was this baby girl’s mom, and I didn’t want my kid to feel like she had to change for the world to feel normal. I may have been a screw up, but I didn’t feel that way anymore. In fact, I felt like the most accomplished person for fighting through everything and getting to where I was. I knew I had a lot I could offer Anna and individuality was one of those things.
My music gigs were really working out. I didn’t make a ton of money or anything, but enough to get by. I sang mostly hits from the top 40’s. People seemed to like that. It wasn’t my scene, but it was fun, and I got a good response from the crowd. It was in that fourth month that my cozy little life fell apart.
I was walking up the stairs to my apartment with a bag of groceries in hand. I noticed a man following me up the stairs, but I thought he was another tenant. The stairs were stone with gaps in the middle. They were on the outside of the apartment complex. He followed me to the top, and I fumbled with the key that allowed me inside the complex itself. It was supposed to be a super safe complex. They had security measures in check. I was in disguise. I did everything right. The man grabbed my shoulders as I tried to put the key in the slot with shaking hands. He pulled me up against him, my back to his front. He put his mouth by my ear.
“This is for Pytor.”
I screamed. I tried to fight, but I was caught off guard. Again, by this motherfucker. There wasn’t enough room for me to fight. He squeezed my shoulders tighter and threw me down the stairs. I stumbled over my front foot and slammed my body all the way down. Step after step, until I heard a crack and realized it was my body hitting the ground. I tried to push myself up when I reached the bottom, but I was too weak. I was desperate to see who did this. I needed to be able to identify him. I looked up. The guy was gone. I was shaking from head to toe. I immediately put my hand over my stomach and started to panic. I didn’t even think about all the blood surrounding me. I could only think of my baby. Then I heard lots of screaming, then… I fainted.
It all went black, and when I woke up it would stay that way.
Chapter 14:
I woke up and already knew. It was so fucked up, but I already knew. There was beeping all around me but none of it phased me.
“What happened?” I asked the nurse.
I could feel her standing next to me. I didn’t open my eyes yet. I wasn’t ready. When I sensed her demeanor change I opened them and gave her a hard look. The memories were fuzzy, but something felt off.
“Sweetheart…”
“Don’t sweetheart me. What the fuck happened?”
“Okay, um, you were pushed down a flight of stairs. Ma’am, I’m so sorry you…” the lady stuttered, choked up. “Ma’am, you lost your baby.”
I knew I had other injuries, but as a woman she knew I wouldn’t give two shits about that until I knew what happened to my baby. Anna was gone. I failed her. She was dead. My world spinned and I stared at her blanked faced.
“I need a shower.”
The lady blinked several times. “Sweetheart you…”
“I told you not to call me sweetheart!” I shrieked.
“Okay I hear you. You have stitches. Lots of them. You won’t be able to shower for a while.”
“God damn it! I just need a fucking shower. That’s it. A shower.”
The lady sighed. “You have a multitude of stitches in your head. You have a broken leg. You have a severe concussion. You’re lucky not to have a spinal cord injury or internal bleeding. You aren’t showering today. Bottom line.”
I could tell the lady didn’t want to be that harsh with me, but she knew she didn’t have a choice. I wouldn’t listen any other way.
“I need to be alone.”
She nodded. “The doctor will be in soon. For what it’s worth I am so terribly sorry.”
The nurse checked a few things on the machines next to me and left. Once she was gone I let the darkness consume me. I lost my baby. I felt the need to cry but couldn’t. The pain ran so deep, even tears wouldn’t fall. I sat still in the silent hospital room. The emptiness I felt was soon replaced with anger. Pytor did this! He fucking did this. How the hell did he find me? Tobias popped in my head, but no. He was too loyal to Anatoli, and somehow, I knew there was more to him than the evil he portrayed. If anyone should get that, it should be me.
No, Pytor did this on his own. I’d kill him. For my baby he’d die! I wanted to kill him with a passion I’d never felt for anything before. I knew if I got anywhere near him I would be stuck in the trap I was in before… or more likely dead because I would never go back to that life. If not for myself, for Anna. As much as I hated to admit it Pytor was smarter than me. He’d always outsmarted me. I had to think this through. My revenge had to be slow and subtle, but I would get revenge. That much was certain. He’d pay.
I stayed in the hospital as long as necessary. I followed all their orders but didn’t say anything to anyone. I said two words the whole time.
“I fell.”
That’s it. I wasn’t ready to tell the cops what really happened until I knew what my revenge would be. I needed to be sure I could trust the cops to get him or I’d be dead, and Anna would never be avenged. That’s all that mattered to me. Avenging Anna.
I went home a little over a week later. I had all these instructions, mainly for my head, but I didn’t really listen to any of them. I didn’t care. I had a boot for my leg, which I wore, but that was about the only instruction I followed. I knew I was lucky I didn’t have any other serious injuries, but I had no shits left to give. I lost my baby. My strength. My whole life. I wished I’d cracked my head open, but I didn’t. I wanted to kill myself, but revenge weighed too heavily on my mind to do that.
When I got home I helplessly set my stuff down on the tile floor. Where do I even go from here? This was an apartment for two, Anna and me. Without her it felt empty. Desolate. My mind wandered back to the little blue and yellow room down the hallway to the left. Anna’s room. My heart broke into a million little pieces. It became real I would never be prepared for. I stormed into the nursery and ripped everything to shreds. I tore all the pictures off the wall. The ones I bought with my hard-earned money. I ripped pieces off the crib. I threw her clothes across the floor. Only when the room was a total disaster did I fall to the floor and cry. I cried for everything I’d lost. For my baby, by far my greatest loss, my only real family. I hardened another level after that. I just became downright cold, as if I wasn’t already before. Once I was able to pick myself off the floor I bolted down to the manager’s building.
“Alex!” he gasped. “I am so sorry for what happened…”
I cut him off. Already annoyed. Already done.
“I can’t stay here. I need out of my lease. Today.”
“Alex, it’ll be a lot of money. I…”
“Mr. Reson!” I snapped. “I lost my baby girl! She’s gone. Her name was Anna and she had a bedroom down the hall to the left of my flat. It was blue and yellow,” a tear slid down my cheek. “I loved her. I… I can’t stay here another day. Those stairs, that room will always remind me of what I lost. Please. Just fuck, someone cut me a fucking break here.”
“Okay,” the manager cleared his throat, visibly upset by my loss. “I’ll figure it out. You can get out of your lease, emergency circumstances. I’m so sorry Ms. Ray. I’m just so freaking sorry.”
I nodded. If I opened my mouth, I’d cry.
“Thank you,” I mumbled. I gave him the cash he needed to close me out and left. I threw as much shit as I could in my bags and just left the rest. I didn’t care. I needed to get out. I spent the night outside of a coffee shop and then found a place the next morning a little way out of town by bus. I didn’t buy anything for the place. I just stuck some of my sheets on the wood floor and decided to use that. It didn’t matter. I pulled out my guitar and for the first time I stopped singing top 40 shit. How could I sing about sex
, drugs, alcohol and parties? My baby was gone. My music got darker. More expressive. I liked Lana Del Rey, Eminem, and Avril Lavigne. I just wanted to get the shit out of me. I started auditioning to places with that music. I had to pick myself back up. It was suicide or moving forward, getting revenge, I refused to sit in this in between land of doing nothing and crying my eyes out.
A lot of places rejected me, but the places that liked me, really liked me. I became a regular, something that was really hard for me to obtain before. The stage became my place to escape. Well, the stage, alcohol and drugs. I drank like it was water and used pot, coke and whatever other shit I could get my hands on, which wasn’t often. I couldn’t let it affect my ability to function too much in the day to day. I needed my music gigs and I needed revenge. I wouldn’t let anything stand in my way of those two things.
Avril Lavigne became my staple artist to perform. I liked her anger, her angst. “Let Go” and “Nobody’s Home” were my favorite songs. They related to me. I was performing at my favorite place, admittedly pretty drunk, when my world flipped again. The stage was a small wooden platform with a single chair on it, and a spotlight right down the center. I started performing “Let Go” as usual. At first it was normal, I closed my eyes and let myself feel the music surround me. Around the course I opened them and looked around the crowd.
“Why should I care? You weren’t there, when I was scared, I was so alone…” I sang as my gaze drifted around the audience. My gaze immediately locked with a man with thick black hair that was evenly parted, wearing a white t-shirt. He had intricate tattoos all along his arms. I recognized him immediately. I’d recognize him anywhere. He was more muscular than I’d last seen him, but there was no doubt in my mind. It was Rex. Fucking. Rex. I just about choked on my song. It took everything in me to finish. It was my last song of the set. I had to finish. I needed the money. It had been three months since I lost Anna and rent was still tough at this new place.
The second I finished I set my guitar down with wildly shaking hands and thanked the audience. I immediately bolted off the stage. I had to avoid a run in with him. I couldn’t handle it. I’d fall apart. I knew I would.
