Feeling a little better, not to mention a little more caffeinated, I left the kitchen and rejoined my family by the tree.
* * * * *
Jamie hadn’t been the first to harangue me, and she wouldn’t be the last. As the day wore on and more family members arrived, the commentary kept coming.
“Is it still just you?”
“I can’t believe you’re living in that big place all by yourself!”
“You love kids—when are you going to have any of your own?”
By the time we all drove over to Grandma’s house for dinner, my better mood had faded and I was ready to sneak out, drive to the airport and catch the first flight home. I loved my family, and they certainly meant well, but this was getting more exhausting by the year.
Especially since I didn’t know how to tell them that yes, I’d had babies on the brain lately, but not in the way they were expecting. I could already hear the screeches of horror.
You’re just giving your baby away?
Well, no. Not really. This baby was being made specifically so they could have a family. Yes, biologically mine. Yes, carried and delivered by me. But in my mind, this child would be theirs more than mine.
Maybe that would change once I got pregnant. Once the reality and hormones set in. But that was a bridge I’d cross when I came to it, not through hypothetical conversations with horrified relatives.
What I wouldn’t have given to be spending this Christmas with Gabe and Shahid. At least they got me. Even if they didn’t understand something, they didn’t question me. And hell, we could go through the motions to get us closer to that hypothetical baby, and I sure wasn’t going to argue with that.
But Gabe was with his family, so he was probably tearing his hair out even more than I was. Shahid was no doubt at work right now.
I rubbed my neck and sighed, and hoped they were both coping okay. Gabe’s family stressed him out, and Shahid’s job took a lot out of him, but hopefully it was a quiet and easy couple of days for both of them. God knew they needed it.
Damn it, I needed a drink.
It hadn’t been that long since my last period, but I’d been with Gabe since then.
And Shahid, I thought with a shiver, though we never actually had sex.
I shook myself. So I’d slept with Gabe, which meant there was a slim possibility I was pregnant, which meant…
I glared at the bottle of rum.
Damn it. It wasn’t likely, but it was possible, so best not to take any chances.
Fortunately, Mom always had plenty of nonalcoholic eggnog for the kids and non-drinkers, and no one would be the wiser if I poured myself some instead of dipping into the spiked bowl.
“Kendra!” My mother’s voice raised my hackles. “There you are.”
I plastered on a smile and turned around.
“Listen, I just got off the phone.” Mom beamed. “You remember Mrs. Barker, don’t you?”
Though I nodded, I also cringed. Somehow I knew Mom didn’t have some funny anecdote or interesting story about Mrs. Barker. Conversations that started like this always went the same way.
Mom smiled. “Her son’s just been promoted. You know he’s a lieutenant commander now?”
“Mmhmm.”
“He’s home for the holidays. I could see if—”
“Mom.” I shook my head. “Don’t. Please.”
“But aren’t you—”
“Not tonight. I’ll meet someone when I meet someone, but I don’t need to rush—”
“It’s been three years,” she said. “Have you even been out on a date since the divorce was finalized?”
“Yes. And I’m not in any hurry to find anyone.” I shrugged. “I’m fine on my own.” Especially with a couple of married guys who are satisfying me like whoa.
My mother scowled. “But there are things you can’t do on your own.” She inclined her head. “When that biological clock goes off, it—”
“Mom.” I put up a hand. “Please. Don’t. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I have a biological clock, and even if I do, I’m not going to run out there and find some guy just so I can have kids with him. If I don’t find the right guy while I can still have kids, then either I won’t have them, or I’ll adopt.” I shrugged. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
A pang of guilt kicked me beneath the ribs. No, it wasn’t a big deal to me. I could take for granted that adoption would be infinitely easier for me and my future hypothetical husband than it was for Gabe and Shahid. I could even adopt as a single woman. And yet I was blasé and “meh, whatever” about whether or not I even wanted to be a mother, while two men who desperately wanted a family were down to relying on me and hoping for the best.
It also dawned on me that I wasn’t going to be able to hide a pregnancy from my mother. As it was, she always knew before anyone else if someone was pregnant—it was like the minute someone got knocked up, she could feel the disturbance in the Force. Crap. This was going to be challenging.
Maybe a dip in the spiked eggnog wouldn’t be so bad after all.
I resisted, though, and managed to bow out of the conversation with my mother to go see if anyone needed help in the kitchen. Grandma and my aunts were busy putting the finishing touches on everything, and shooed me back into the living room where everyone was stacking more and more presents beneath Grandma’s gargantuan tree.
Air. I needed air. Just a few minutes to catch my breath.
I found my jacket in the coat closet and stepped out onto the porch.
For a moment, I stood out there, eyes closed, and inhaled the clean, crisp winter air. It didn’t help unravel the knots in my stomach or the tension in my chest, but it seemed to bring my blood pressure down a little, so I called it a win.
The door opened behind me.
Damn it.
“Ken?”
I exhaled. Well. At least it was my sister Tina. If there was anyone here I could cope with, it was her. Forcing a smile, I turned around. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Her forehead creased. “You okay? You’ve been a little distant since you got here.”
“Yeah. A lot on my mind, that’s all.”
“Everything okay?”
I swallowed. Tina was a year younger than me, and the youngest of all of us. We were closest in age, and I’d always been closer to her than to any of my other siblings. If there was anyone here I could trust, it was her.
“Can I tell you something that stays between us?”
“Sure.” She sipped her wine. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, it’s great. But everyone’s been on me since yesterday about having kids, and…”
“Kendra.” She eyed me. “You’re not pregnant or anything, are you?”
“No. I’m not. But…” I hesitated.
Tina cradled her wineglass between two fingers. “What’s going on?”
I rubbed my neck. “So, I’m friends with a gay couple who wants to start a family. And, um, I’m thinking of…”
Her eyes widened. “Are you serious?”
“What? I didn’t even say—”
“Well, I’m pretty sure you weren’t about to tell me you were thinking of giving them decorating tips for the nursery.” She set the glass down, glanced toward the rest of the family and then leaned on her hands on the railing. “You want to be their surrogate, don’t you?”
I nodded.
“Wow. That’s a pretty awesome thing to do for someone.”
I smiled, but it didn’t last.
“Something wrong?” she asked.
“I don’t know. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot since I got here.”
“I can imagine it’s pretty complicated. Especially legally.”
“Oh, we’ve already talked to a lawyer. And yeah, it’ll be complicated on paper.” I waved a hand.
“We’re on it, though. Don’t worry.”
“But you’re worried.”
“Not about that part.”
She cocked her head. “So…?”
“So, what happens when…” I hesitated. “I mean, when I do get pregnant, even living in another state, I’m only going to be able to hide this for so long.” I scowled. “You know every woman in this family will be able to tell if I show up here next year looking like I just had a baby.”
Lips quirked, she nodded. “Yeah. They will.”
They would, wouldn’t they? And if I came here looking like I’d recently had a baby, but with no baby in sight…
Oh Lord.
It was entirely possible that this time next year, I’d be here again, spending Christmas with my family, while the child I’d carried was in another town with Gabe and his family. Or I could be pregnant with their kid at the time, and then what? Did I bow out of the holidays with my family? Stay home with them?
My stomach knotted. This was getting more and more complicated the longer I thought about it. How would I feel if I came here next year, knowing my biological child was someplace else? Mandy’s comment had stuck with me, that hormones did weird things to a mother’s brain, and no matter how on board I was with letting the guys adopt the baby, there was no telling how I’d feel about it when it happened.
It wasn’t enough to make me want to back out of the arrangement. Maybe I’d feel a little down during the holidays, and maybe giving up a baby I’d carried for the better part of a year would be more difficult than I’d initially imagined, but Gabe and Shahid would have their family. And I trusted them when they insisted I’d be involved in the baby’s life, so it wasn’t like the kid would disappear.
But things like holidays would definitely be complicated. For me, anyway. Obviously the baby would spend holidays with his or her dads.
I stared into my glass and sighed. Was I having second thoughts?
Chapter Twenty-Three
Shahid
On my way home from a long shift, I drove faster than usual. It was the day after Christmas, and Gabe would be back tonight. He’d already texted me to let me know he was there, and knowing him, he’d be waiting for me. Something about a holiday with his parents always left him needy and hungry, and no matter how tired I was, nothing could keep me from giving him what he needed.
And Kendra was out of town, so—
My stomach twisted. I fidgeted in the driver seat, gripping the wheel tighter. Would she be there now if she’d been in town?
It occurred to me we hadn’t done this after Thanksgiving. He hadn’t needed to. He hadn’t gone to Thanksgiving alone, and he hadn’t come home alone. And oh, yes, that was jealousy turning my blood cold, but it was irrational. They’d gone together. They’d both had to put up with Gabe’s family. Who was I to judge if they ended a stressful evening on a positive note? Gabe and I certainly weren’t above coming home from a family gathering and jumping into bed together to blow off steam.
I rubbed my tired eyes and exhaled. This was stupid. Clearly my brain had reached the level of fatigue where my thoughts stopped making sense and started connecting in ways that seemed world-stopping now but would be dismissed as irrational after a few hours of sleep.
Tired or not, rational or not, it shouldn’t have been a relief to pull into the driveway and only see Gabe’s car parked in its usual spot. Kendra’s wasn’t on the curb, and I felt like a jerk for being thankful for that. For one, I knew she was still out of town. For another, there was no reason to get territorial. Jealous. Insecure. Gabe was here, and if tonight was like any other post-holiday reunion, he was waiting for me.
And, I reminded myself, even if he and Kendra were in bed together, there was a reason for it, and I’d given that reason my blessing. Obviously I needed some sleep to shake off this fatigue-induced paranoia.
Some sleep, and some time with my husband.
I hurried inside and upstairs, and sure enough, Gabe was waiting for me. In bed. Naked. Hard.
Our eyes met. He grinned, stroking himself slowly. “Thought you were going to take forever to get home.”
“Yeah.” I moistened my lips and came closer. “I was wondering if it might take that long too.”
“But you’re here now.” He sat up, grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me down to him.
That first kiss sent a rush of both relief and arousal through me. He’d only been gone a couple of days, though it had seemed like ages because I’d been at work most of that time, but now he was home, and we were tangling up in bed together. The world was back on its axis.
“So glad you’re home,” he murmured between kisses.
“Me too.” I settled on top of him, into his embrace, and kissed him deeply. “Tell me what you want.”
“You know exactly what I want.”
I shivered.
“I’m already ready for you,” he whispered. “I just…need you to…”
“Anything you need.” I claimed a long, deep kiss.
“Fuck me. Please.”
“Let me put on some more lube,” I said.
He didn’t protest. His arms slid off me, and he lay back as I picked up the bottle.
I poured some lube in my palm. “Turn over.”
Gabe didn’t hesitate—he got up onto his hands and knees. I put some lube on him, but he didn’t need much. He’d already prepped himself. Stretched, lubed, ready—all he needed was me.
And all I needed was to be inside him.
Though he was ready, I was still slow and careful. A little at a time, I worked myself into him. He rocked back, his head falling and a moan escaping his lips as I slid deeper.
This would be quick. No doubt about that. Didn’t matter how tired I was—being in bed with Gabe after we hadn’t seen each other for a few days was enough to get my pulse racing, and having him like this, having him all to myself…
I wrapped my arm around him and nudged him down with my hips. He put a pillow under himself before we both sank to the mattress. On our stomachs like this, I didn’t have much range of motion, but what little I had felt amazing. This was such a rare thing for us, it was mind-blowing every time we actually did it. And it was just us this time. Just his body and mine, his voice and mine, moving and moaning and turning each other on. The threesomes with Kendra were hot, but tonight, I needed Gabe and Gabe alone.
His hips moved beneath mine, complementing my strokes, and probably rubbing himself against the pillow. I would’ve loved to be able to see his face, but that position wasn’t always comfortable for him. This worked just fine anyway. His skin was against mine, our bodies molded together without any acrobatic bending, and I could kiss his neck and hold him while I moved inside him.
“You feel so good,” he murmured into the pillow. “God, Shahid.”
“Been thinking about you all day.” I kissed the side of his neck. “Always…when you’re gone…”
He whimpered softly and shuddered.
“You close?” I breathed. “T-tell me if—”
“Almost.” He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. “Oh God.”
I gritted my teeth, fighting my orgasm back as I thrust faster inside him, and then he cried out and clenched around me, and I forced myself as deep as I could, shuddering and moaning as he cursed beneath me.
We both shivered once more and stilled.
“I missed you,” I whispered against his neck.
“Missed you too.”
We separated enough for him to roll over, and then we came back together, arms around each other as we kissed lazily.
“We should get a shower,” he slurred. “Before one of us falls asleep.”
“Or both of us.” I pressed a tender kiss to his forehead. “Join me?”
“Absolutely.”
It was late anyway, so after a quick sh
ower, we brushed our teeth and returned to bed with no intention of moving again before daylight.
Gabe rested his head on my shoulder. Of course, now that we’d showered, we were both awake, though I doubted that would last long.
Absently running my fingers through his damp hair, I said, “How did the holidays go?”
He sighed, cuddling closer to me. “Exhausting. As always.”
“Sorry to hear it.”
“Eh. I expected it.” He draped his arm over my chest. “Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I decided not to go.”
“But they’re your family.”
“You’re my family,” he whispered.
I kissed the top of his head as guilt slowly crept in. “If you want me to come with you some year, I can.”
“No.” He lifted his chin and met my gaze. “I’m not going to make you sit through Mass, and anyway, it’ll only give them more ammunition to grill me when you aren’t there the next year.” He kissed beneath my jaw. “I just miss you, that’s all. Maybe one year, I’ll bail on Christmas with them and stay home.”
“But I work double shifts during Christmas.”
“You’re home eventually.”
“Yeah. And I sleep.”
He smiled. “You’d be sleeping next to me.”
“There is that.” I held him closer. “Well, at least the holidays are over. You don’t have to deal with it again until Easter.”
“Thank God.” He nestled his head beneath my chin.
“And I’m off tomorrow. We can actually sleep in and stay home.”
“Yes, please.”
I smiled, kissed him again, and held him. Even as fatigue settled back in and we both started relaxing, I couldn’t help savoring this. Maybe it was stupid and selfish, but I was relieved to have him all to myself tonight. I didn’t mind him and Kendra having a good time, and I enjoyed the threesomes more than I’d expected, but this?
This was mine.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Gabe
Two days into the new year, school started back up again. I was in the teachers’ lounge, sucking down coffee and trying to get my game face on, when Kendra strolled in.
The Best Laid Plans Page 17
