I didn’t bother to pretend - couldn’t, really. “Henna, my God,” I gasped. “Why did you do that?”
She was turned away, shaking.
“It’s okay,” I said. “You're okay.” My control had snapped back and I stood free and close to her. But my blood raced and gums tingled, fangs thrusting, wanting to defend, wanting to take. I forced them back, fighting them, sealing them, denying myself to myself.
And then Henna, too, was under control. But she didn’t know what to say and suddenly I understood. She had shown me herself. She had revealed her secret, not knowing I already knew.
Oh, we had alluded to it before, joking and teasing about her sensitivity and ability to affect others, about her perceptions and awareness of me, but vague teasing was a world of difference from open revelation - from what she just did. So close, her hidden vibes had reached out for me. She had let me see, indisputable, all barriers down. And now she had nowhere to hide.
Carefully, I touched her, took her hand, pulled her to me and cradled her. Precious Henna. Magnificent Henna. I cradled her and I talked to her. Nonsense words. Words and more words, some Gaelic, some French, English interspersed. And this time, I finally admitted they were true.
In my mind, a few words stumbling in whispers to her ears, I told her she absorbed me. I told her that every part of me was captivated by her. Silently, cradling her head against my chest, my heart pounding, I told her of my intense longings. I told her that I couldn’t stay away from her. She tensed. Had I spoken out loud? I purred more words, my nose buried in the scent of her.
Almost - almost - I revealed myself in my entirety. Almost, I gave myself away.
In my head, I told her how important she was - and I told myself. I hadn't fully known it until then, but my vampire realized and finally my fangs truly relaxed and I could hold her knowing she was just as safe as I had promised she would be. In clear English I told her I would never let her go, never leave her, and my lips settled against her soft hair.
And Henna relaxed. And at last, Sonar no longer whined. The dog lay at our feet.
I held Henna against my chest and the world stood still. I held Henna and the moon beamed at me and the sun shone on my soul. I held Henna and that old fear of caring too much roared inside. I held Henna and faced the smoldering embers of future pain and I didn’t care.
We stood there for a long while. We stood there while our fiery heat cooled, our breathing eased and driving need was capped. Not gone, but contained. We stood nestled, embraced, for an eternity. We stood there in silence while my life and my world reshaped themselves into a new life where I walked knowing I faced drastic, desperate hurt. Where I faced the reality of future loss, the loss I have always avoided.
“Yes,” she finally murmured.
“Yes?” I looked down at her, confused.
“The water? I’d like that nervous glass of water now.”
She leaned for the cupboard door, swinging it open and I released her and she stumbled across the dog. It was a slow motion trip and I should have caught her, easily could have, but I was deeply into my own self, the shock of my own revelations, and my first glance was at the dog. Henna's arm was still raised for the cupboard door, her face tilted up to find a glass. I grabbed just as that tender face crashed into the hard corner of the door.
Her hand flew to her mouth. “Ach!”
“Henna?”
“I hit my mouth. Ow… Ow!”
She moved quickly to the stairs, up to the bathroom, me racing after. She peered into the mirror and peeled her lip back then turned to my arms.
“Brecken, ow. That hurt.”
“Let me see.” I pulled her hand away. Her mouth was already swelling. “You’re going to have a fat lip, girl.”
“Oh, no. I sing tomorrow. I’ll look awful.”
“Beautiful. You’ll look beautiful.”
She buried her face against my chest. “Fat lips aren’t beautiful, Brecken.”
“This one is.” I lifted her head and placed my lips softly, so gently, against her mouth. I ran my tongue over the bruise, feeling the slight puffiness and her slight flinch. “It’s not so bad,” I murmured. I ran my tongue again, then took her top lip between mine, my eyes closed, wanting to give her human body my own body’s healing. But that meant her drinking from me. Out of the question.
I sucked gently on her lip, never wanting to let go. And I ran my tongue lightly across the inside where I found more puffiness - and my tongue found the tiny cut and her blood.
Slight seepage, a small slit, not deep, but my tongue found the blood and drew it out. My tongue tasted the blood that suddenly flowed freely, spreading quickly across her gums.
And I was lacerated, flooded with familiar. Suddenly I was back in Amsterdam, on the ground by the canal, Louie’s wrist held over my mouth, my tongue lapping. And now, Henna’s lip between mine, my tongue drawing it out, tasting - knowing. That taste. Never forgotten.
Horror slammed into my body and I jerked away.
“No, Brecken you didn’t hurt me.” Henna was trying to console, trying to make me feel better. She didn’t understand. “It felt nice having you touch like that. It didn't hurt.”
I was wild, my mind shattered, frenzied, sinking. This wasn’t possible. Yes, my memory said. Yes, my body responded. Yes, my dark side smiled. I remember that taste. And my fangs slithered, wanting the stronger flavour, the delicious flavour, the human taste that lived beside that other, sweeter hint of vampire inside my darling Henna’s mouth.
Frantic, I turned from her, seeking escape, lips clamped, unable to speak, unable to control the fangs that ached, wanting to bite. I sped from the room, down the steps, too fast, my mind searching wildly, looking for solid ground and finding none.
“I have to go,” I managed to yell. I was running from her, with no excuse, the unforgivable act that I had promised not to do, the act that angered her above all other things. “Forgive me, Henna.”
My words floated in the air as I fled out the door. I heard her call, running after me, but I was in my car, and racing up the street, away, away. My body fought me, twisting the wheel. I slammed down control, some distant part hearing the “No!” that exploded from my chest.
“No! No! No!”
I tore into the foothills and bolted from the car, then couldn’t bear that cold sky, the distant stars laughing at me, mocking my superior powers. I screamed to the heavens. “What superior powers? What powers at all?”
Back to the car. I yanked the wheel, slamming back out of the wild hills, racing towards her house. Her blood. Racing towards Henna. Racing towards her irresistible, mixed blood. Grab her, clamp myself to her, bury myself in her neck, suck on her beautiful throat and take. Take, Brecken, do it!
“I don’t want it.” I screamed the lie. “I won't!”
I spun the wheel, steering away from her house, ignoring stop signs, running lights, tearing towards the Village and the sanctuary of my home. I whipped into the driveway then into the house, slammed the lock on the door, the deadbolt, the flimsy chain, sealing myself in - pretending I could.
I fell on the ground and rolled. Doubled up, mouth watering, teeth piercing my own clenched lips, seeking their way out. My heart drummed, my eyes were on fire. I tore at the rug, flung it against the ceiling, then scuttled to the front door and bashed, grabbing at the chain, ripping it free, then threw myself to the farthest wall. I raged and cursed the walls for existing.
But the dark fury wasn’t done with me. I spun and shrieked, battering the floor and storming at the universe. Not Henna! She’d been bitten and fed. She was turning. No. Not that! Neighbors would hear, police be called. I dared them and raged on.
But time moves and slowly my heaving body stilled, fangs reversed, boiling blood cooled and my eyes opened to a world gone insane. My tongue roamed the lining of my mouth, touching the seal over my fangs, feeling the soft membranes, finding a tiny remnant of flavor. Henna. I tasted again and knew again.
I lay on
the floor and allowed myself to remember that night along the Amsterdam canal and the taste that I could never forget. And I writhed once again. The intensity of that taste in her blood, like a hundred espressos with a touch of sugar. Like one small, vibrant lifeboat in a thousand miles of surging ocean. Like the lightest touch from the only girl that mattered in a world of millions. Lunacy, comparisons ludicrous. There was no comparison, no metaphor, no simile that worked.
I lay there and panted. I lay there and hurt and, enraged at my flimsy control, I began to seek answers.
I rose and paced my house, forcing the calm, chiding my other self for urging me to drive up the hill, to break down her door and snatch her away. If she was to become one of us, it was I who should have changed her. I could stay with her for the sick days, help her find food when she was ready. Or feed her myself. No, too late.
I should leave town. I won’t, though. I should go find a ready source on the streets. No. Don’t go there yet.
When human ruled both selves again, I went out to the porch and gazed up at the sky, found the mocking stars, and reminded them that I live on this earth, not they, and I had control and power, not they.
And the stars twinkled. And my heart swelled. My two selves were one again and possibilities soared. Unrest over those possibilities soared alongside.
It was too much for now. Too much to think on, too much to handle. Too close. Too soon. Yet, I had to deal with this before I see her again. Should I see her again? Was it fair to leave her to go through this alone? No, but if I saw her now there would be no stopping. I'd drink from her, mixed blood and all. What was wrong with that? Why not do it? It was too late for her anyway. And her vampire would rule, at least in the beginning. It always does.
But something in me denied reality. Maybe she would recover. Sometimes that happened. Phss. Almost never.
Then there was my personal, worst scenario. See her no more and move out of Claremont leaving her to her new, dark life. Despair twisted in my gut and I went on alert. Neighbors I always felt, sometimes saw and didn't know. I slammed hard sleep into every mind I could reach, exulted at flexing my powers and stretched farther to slam twice more. Then I cursed and roared, hurling my refusal into the dark night.
“Non!” I bellowed. “Leave her? Bloody never. Je refuse! I won't. I can't.” But I couldn't be around her, either.
I tugged out my phone and called Louie. “We need to talk now, in person.”
“Bien, but I'm in Lake Arrowhead for skiing with Yvonne. Come up. Sherry is here, too.”
Sherry. Tonight's feeding in Upland seemed a century ago. “Can you meet me in front of the bookstore?”
“No problem.”
Twisting mountain roads. The danger sounded wonderful. “I'll be there in an hour.”
Chapter 35
One moment Brecken was hugging me, sorry about my lip, telling me it didn’t look too bad. Telling me I was beautiful. And the next minute he was down the stairs and gone.
I heard his car, but he was out of sight by the time I reached the front door. What happened? Did I say something or do something? Doesn’t matter. There was no reason to suddenly take off like that, especially after promising not to disappear on me anymore. Now he’s gone and done it again.
I wanted him to come back. He didn’t though and I got increasingly upset. Then really mad. I felt Sonar’s nose touch my bare foot, his paw on my leg. I sat on the floor by the open door and wrapped my arms around him. Amazing how dogs can sense our emotions. But I can sense the very same thing and what I got from Brecken was off the charts alarm.
Sonar licked my cheek. I usually think that’s gross, but he was giving me doggy love and I hugged him for it. Then he sniffed my mouth and I felt his body stiffen. I touched my sore lip and there was a smear of blood on my finger. I hadn’t noticed, but now I remembered that when Brecken kissed me with his tongue I tasted blood in my mouth. Probably seeped out when he touched the cut.
I explored with my own tongue. Definitely puffy. Well, no wonder it hurt so much. The cupboard door must have jammed my lip into a tooth. But I felt again and my mouth was smooth inside, with no cut.
Even so, I got an ice pack and sat on the kitchen counter replaying the day. We messed around with tennis for a couple of hours after the football game A natural athlete and he laughs while he plays. Doesn’t go all sports jock or anything. I knew he just wanted to be with me. He even brought water bottles and my favorite candy bar for me. Brecken is good about little gestures, that’s for sure.
He teased and begged when I wouldn’t share, so I finally broke off a little piece and gave it to him. Funny guy, he saved it and fed it to me when all the rest was gone. And licked his fingers, all sexy.
Then I invited him over tonight and of course I wanted to see how he and Sonar reacted to each other. That whole scene was so not what I thought it would be. What was I expecting, anyway? That my guard dog would take him down and hold him for ransom?
“Sonar, some watch dog you are. A new guy comes into the house and you just wag your tail and go all wimpy. Where’s my fierce protector?” I jumped down to give him a scratch under the chin and his cocoa eyes gave me adoration. In such the short time with Christina and me, he had developed a total commitment to being ours. No, he was more my dog. Glad Christina didn’t mind.
“You were supposed to be tough and fierce, not a little lamb.” His butt wiggled.
Then I thought about what happened in the kitchen, when my energy reached out. I didn’t exactly do it on purpose - just relaxed too much, and Brecken was so close and all of me wanted to touch him. Who knew it would be like that? Visible and everything.
That must be it, I thought. I freaked him out. Well, I freaked myself too, especially when I saw that shimmer in the air between us. I know what it had to be, but to see it was a shock. Nothing like that has ever happened before. Silver colored too, and almost shiny. Maybe I’m losing it or something. Going bonkers. Sure, he held me and said it was okay, but….
And that’s when he said he’s fascinated by me. I could barely hear him, but I think that’s what he said. I remember that he said he was consumed with me. I think. Ouch. Better stop remembering. It wasn’t helping my mad.
I fed Sonar and got myself that glass of water then went upstairs to my bed, making room for the dog, which had gulped half his food fast and left the rest to come be with me. I was both ticked off and half dreamy. Sonar circled on the foot of the bed, making a perfect spot for himself.
I scrunched around to sprawl alongside him. “Since you want my company, you have to listen,” I told him. “Did you hear what he said? Am I just imagining it?” Sonar licked my nose. “Yeuw. That smells like dog food.” I traced the stiffness of his ear. “Did you like Brecken? Can you tell me why he said all those things and then left like that? Maybe he was freaked out by telling me those things or because I didn’t say anything back. Maybe he thought I didn’t like it.”
Did I like it? For sure. Was he telling me the truth or just trying to make me feel better?
“Maybe that’s why he left, Sonar. He didn’t mean it or else when I didn’t say anything back he got embarrassed. Or maybe that silver energy spooked him. Probably he thinks I’m the weird one.”
But what kind of a guy watches your house at night and says he isn’t stalking? What kind of a guy pursues and never kisses full on? Well, except for tonight.
"That's not right, Sonar.” I rubbed the doggy wrinkle between his eyes. “Brecken does kiss me, just almost always on the cheek, or my ears and hair. Then tonight, when I thought he wouldn’t stop and didn’t want him to. I can tell he wants me. I know turn on when I see it. And feel it." I cuddled Sonar's broad muzzle in my hand and spoke to his worshiping eyes. "Brecken turned me on too, and I wanted more."
I flopped to my side, frustrated. The guy was absolutely off the wall. Not hard to read, in one sense, but impossible in another. There’s so much I don’t understand. I know I look good, but he’s really smart, has lots
of money and is sexy gorgeous. He could have anyone. Why me? He's obviously after me, but he doesn’t ever act like I expect him to.
Still, he did say he was fascinated by me. I think so, anyway. Then he broke his promise and ran. “I’m worn out with it all, Sonar.” His jowls were soft in my hand. “You take over. I'm done.”
Unhappy, I brushed my teeth and washed my face and put on PJ's and finally looked out and saw nothing. I searched, but sensed nobody. He’s not there. I felt the loneliness creep in. And a nagging little worry.
But I reached out my arms and found Sonar. He'd have to do. Eventually I drifted into asleep hugging his solid body. And woke up in the morning afraid that I lost Brecken before I really even had him.
Chapter 36
It was three in the morning and Louie was on a bench in front of the bookstore coffee shop that overlooks Lake Arrowhead. I flung myself from the car and into his welcoming hug. My chest heaved in a deep breath and blew out in a long sigh. “I needed that.”
“Yes, I could feel it. Do you want to talk here?”
“Let's walk.”
The ice layered snow crunched under our feet as we veered from the parking lot and into the woods. No lights shone in the surrounding buildings, no wind rustled the trees. The sting of cold filled my lungs and Louie's steady presence settled my turbulent spirit. The stillness was absolute and I spoke low, in tune with the natural quiet.
But my words seared the air. “I'm in trouble, Louie.”
I told him everything, in detail. The growing attraction, her developing desire for me, my mistakes and my promises. I told him about Sonar, the motorcycle ride and the increasing failure to control my dark side. I admitted how close I came to biting. How close to drinking. Then the Silver that blazed from Henna in the kitchen. Shaking, I told him about the blood. The familiar taste. The realization that somehow, even with me on hyper alert, she was bitten.
“It is not possible,” he said.
“I know what I tasted, Louie.”
We moved into an empty stretch of snow, no dwellings, no tracks from wandering creatures. He chose a spot and lay on his back staring at the trees above. I dropped alongside.
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