If he was crazy, definitely so was I.
At last I went to stand beside him at the porch rail. Brecken would have said there was something metaphorical in that. Standing beside a creature of the dark, looking into the dark. Not seeing what is there. Mystery man? Those words didn’t begin to describe him.
I’ve gotten all philosophical these last few days. Brecken de Boer, you are rubbing off on me. Although the experiences and the shock of this week would cause anyone to think deeper and be more mystical. Wouldn't they?
Even if my belief system was overturned and my heart was going pitter patter, at least I could finish this with straight talk, like he just did. “I considered not coming back, you know. But this is my home and I have my job and Christina. I love Claremont. And you're here, Brecken. So I’m here, too.”
He shifted, his body moving next to me, his leg brushing mine. I had one thing more to say. “No more B & E at my house. No breaking in whenever you feel like it. Okay?”
He glanced at me, then back at a distant something. “Maybe.”
I bit my lip. Dang, I had to accept that or not. But, oh, I wanted him. I swayed against him, forgiving him, and his arm finally slipped around my waist.
Being with Brecken was like riding blind into that beautiful dark sky and, even though part of me was shaking with the insanity of it all, I was committed. I was taking the ride.
There’s a song in that. Maybe I would write it.
Chapter 53
Henna was back and nothing else mattered, but I still had questions banging away at me. Where did she go for two days? What did she do? Angry about the earring, obviously, but something more was going on. How could I find out without snatching it from her unaware mind?
If I were patient, she might eventually tell me and I’d learn that she had visited a friend or gone shopping in Palm Springs. But she didn’t even tell Christina, whose mind I invaded straight off when Henna went up to bed.
Obsessed, gentlemanly, whatever the reason, I'd followed after Henna’s car to see her safely home. She waved from the front door. Sonar jumped, greeting her, and me, with a sharp yip of pleasure. The door closed and I was free to return home.
Home? Not gonna happen.
I went up into the hills for a little impulsive messing around. I'd dined on a gas station attendant while in Venice, but I was thirsting already and should take care of business. Tracking an old coyote served as a pleasant diversion, an outlet for turmoil churning inside. Then I couldn't make myself take the bite.
I chased down a wild hare and left it for the scrawny coyote. In past years, I often used to feed those who fed me and the memory brought a coarse laugh. Benevolent moi? Oh yeah.
But Henna had come back to Claremont and back to me. I tore through the shrubbery and thought about how I felt when she yelled then disappeared. And when I saw the earring and knew that she knew…. I was lacerated, certain she wouldn't listen to my bleak explanation. Believing she would break from me.
I’ve never concerned myself over such things before, and this turmoil stemmed from more than a break up. The brutal truth is, I would have kept Henna with me regardless. But her actually wanting me and deciding to stay mattered. More than I could fathom.
How far would I have gone to keep her? There’s the crux of the turmoil. I didn’t have the answer to how far I’d take it and now I wouldn’t need to find that answer. Yet, the stress remained and I wanted it gone.
So I hunted more. Catch and release, again and again, without sampling the product. Well, once, but only because it was one of my favorites. Or used to be. And would be again, when I left off my natural food source. Humans. Brothers and fathers and sisters and - heh - running buddies.
A small twinge inside, a minuscule part of human me, believed I should feel guilty taking human blood again and should draw up the resolve to not use people that I considered neighbors and friends. Humans that speak to the human in me. Frankly, I had no such resolve and felt zero guilt.
In the waning moments of the predawn, I sat on the slope behind Henna's house and debated whether to drift Silver her way as she slept. I loved my experiment. I loved the giving from me to her.
Henna had been different tonight. Tough and prickly, yes. Incensed at my previous lies, taken aback at my sudden truths. But also changed, in some indefinable way. Of course, maybe the change was in me, now that I openly acknowledged to myself that I would never let her leave me.
Couldn’t let her.
My whole being was overflowing with Silver and I needed to release it. A surprising twist to my experiment, this was.
If I didn’t like myself, perhaps I would have acted differently. I might have turned back, left the slopes and taken the Silver with me. But, though I don’t love all that I do, I love the me that does what I do. So I released my energy to Henna - in huge doses, out of me and into her. Might as well make it effective. An unassailable energy that could help her and protect her even more than it probably has.
As I emptied myself, desire to be worthy stepped up a notch. The rage that always simmers within seemed to dissolve and I felt gratitude. Through Henna, I thought, God has given me a touch of peace. Perhaps it was time to stifle the vamp that was breaking free too easily. Return to animals. I agonized. No. Not that. Friendliness I would do. Not stifle my valued vamp - but stifle the surliness? Sure.
Right or wrong? She wondered if I ever questioned. Oh, yes, I questioned and try to choose right. And I chose right this time, about vampire power. Not one doubt, as my energy streamed through the night, into her room and into her sleeping body. Not one doubt as I relinquished the quirk of experimentation and moved to deliberate choice that Henna - all of Henna - will be nourished.
And so will I.
Chapter 54
I tossed my hair out of my face and smiled out at the crowd. I was singing great and Conor rocked the room every time he played. He was due for days off and I wondered what he did with his time.
I've been home three days and all my subtle efforts to learn more have resulted in nothing. Crystal came in last night and sat with me and Brecken. I told her the girls were going to swarm her brother and they did. Conor was cool about it and held them off, not accepting a drink or the little hugs they offered. After his set, he talked to Jeff for a few moments and left with Crystal. Brecken's eyes followed him the whole time though, and so did mine. How could I have been so blind to Conor? Not blind anymore, though not much informed either.
Brecken has been bolder with me and it feels strangely magical. At work I think of him and almost instantly feel a tingle on my skin, as if he felt my touch and touched me back. Good imagination, I have. Except I don't imagine what I feel at night. In bed I sense him strong out there and it's like I'm receiving a gift. All night long protection? What if I opened the window and asked him to come up? One night I might. Ooh, maybe not.
With my schedule it’s hard to plan much, but I wanted to go out for dinner so I could see if he actually ate or only tricked me into thinking he did. I was in such a daze, I scarcely remembered taking a bite, though he cleaned his plate. So I had leftovers and couldn't be sure if they were mine or his. Dang, he's good.
Yesterday while I was working on a song, he wrote a poem for me in his elegant script on a piece of hand made paper from a store in the Village. I hung it on the wall by my bed and wondered how long ago he learned to write in that odd style of cursive.
Of course, I hold back secrets, but when we kiss it’s like before - tender and careful - but also unlike before. Every time there is the sense of a new passion, a new urgency, an underlying knowing that stirs the fires and never goes out. I walk around half breathless with thinking about him. But my tongue has probed and found only normal teeth. How does he hide the other ones? Or is that why he hugs me tighter and coos into my hair?
If I'd ever dreamed of a relationship, I could never have envisioned one like this. And in my mirror I see a delicate, silver sheen cast itself over and throughout my person.
Ahh, yes, Christina made coffee. I yawned, but the tantalizing smell lured me out of bed and down the stairs. Sonar to the back yard, door left ajar for him, and me sagging at the table. I gave another yawn and stretched to the ceiling.
Christina set coffee in front of me. “Out of French Vanilla. It’s canned milk or nothing.”
“All good. Did I wake you when I came in? Your light was on.”
“I was half awake anyway. I heard you come in, but my bed was too toasty.” She tossed the newspaper on the floor. That meant talk. “We haven’t had breakfast together much lately,” she began.
Oh, no. Please don't mention me spending half the night with Brecken. “Uh, you’ve been gone a lot,” I said.
“And you were gone and I’ll be gone again for two days.”
“Where to this time?” I guzzled coffee, feeling the warmth spread through my chest.
“Chicago. Where I get to wear the new coat we bought me in Pasadena.”
“Your bosses keep you on the move, don’t they.”
“Yes, but the business pays for everything except the coat.” She gave a little laugh. “You never told me about your trip? Did you go alone? Besides Sonar, I mean.” She glanced at the dog, who had pushed through the door and curled up on the newspaper.
“Just us.” I got up to close the door. “Kind of a get-away up the coast.”
Hair was disheveled but her face was perkier than usual for my sleepin cousin. “Good for you, Henna. You work all the time. I don’t know how you do it.”
“It doesn't seem like work. A quick four hours at the PR. That’s nothing. And singing at the Tavern is pure play. I love it.”
“Speaking of which ….” She rubbed her foot along Sonar's back. “How’s your love life coming along?”
I shook my head.
“Uh oh. Troubles?” She snapped her fingers and pointed at me. “You two have a fight?”
What to tell her? Not much I can say. “Not really,” I finally said. “It’s more like confusion.”
“How so?”
“Brecken is a lot more complex than I ever knew, that’s all.” I buried my face in the mug.
She mumbled so I couldn't hear. “Well, that was vague”
I blew a raspberry.
“Am I prying?”
“Definitely, yes.” Fortunately, she laughed and I joined in.
“Okay, Henna, you shouldn't have been able to hear that.”
Her comment puzzled me. “You’re right here. Of course I heard.”
“Nope. You answer me all the time when I'm talking to myself down here and you're way upstairs. You never used to do that.”
I shrugged.
“Look, honey, I’m a good ear if you want to bounce stuff off me.”
Okay. I couldn’t tell her anything, obviously. But…. “Have you ever met someone who is so unbelievable and amazing but also has a hidden streak of scary?”
She slowly leaned back. “What do you mean by scary?”
“Mmm, wrong word. Just off the wall. So unique that you can’t even imagine what’s coming next. Super bright and fun and filled with layers of secrets. He says I fascinate him. Seems hard to believe.”
“You’re fascinated right back, sweetie.”
“Yeah, but it’s way complicated.”
“So it’s complicated. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? Never a boring moment and all that?
I rolled my eyes. “If you only knew.”
She ran her hands through her hair. “Well, for sure you wouldn’t stick if he was simple. From everything you’ve told me, he’s tailor made for you. I liked him and Gina liked him that night he was over.”
“He’d charm the pants off anyone, Christina. The man is good.”
“Hey, I have an eye for charm. How are things otherwise?”
Good. She was off of Brecken. “Just about perfect.” I said. Small lie, but true, too.
“And the song writing? Anything new?”
“One in process, one finished. I sang it the night I got back.”
“Good reception, I assume.”
Easy answer to that. “Exactly what I wanted, actually.”
She stood and rinsed her mug. “Sorry, I need to get moving. I leave for the airport before you get home, but there's plenty to eat in the refrigerator. Okay?”
“Thanks, cuz.”
I stretched again then poured myself a refill and went out to the patio with Sonar. “Every dog growls at him but you,” I complained.
Why am I so sure that my neck is safe?
Okay, that’s so not what I wanted to think about. I haven’t applied any of that part to Brecken. Not seriously. Not with my neck involved. Oooh, don't go there.
Of course, that's exactly where I went. Face it, Logan went straight for the woman’s neck. Nowhere else. And Brecken nuzzles around my neck all the time. Kissing? Or pretending he’s doing something more?
Does he pretend? Sexual fantasizing, I expect, since I do it myself. But how in the world could I possibly know what he fantasizes about? My neck might be his favorite part. The part that turns him on the most. There’s never been even a hickey on me, although … no. I rubbed my neck, and remembered disappearing bite marks and Brecken pulling back, time after time. Always returning, but always turning away again.
So, am I tempting to him? Maybe not. Maybe with me he is - um - impotent. Biting impotence. I giggled. Is there such a thing? His thumb. No biting impotence on my part.
Obviously, Brecken cares a lot. Does he love me? He’s never told me so, but I’m not deaf and not blind about stuff like that. The things he says, the huge amount of time he spends around me. The drawing and all the other little gifts. The … the everything. A guy doesn’t do all of that unless he is involved. And involved could mean love.
My dog flopped down on my foot. “Sonar, I'm involved with a freaking, honest to God vampire.”
Cheesh. Those are words I’ll never be saying to my cousin.
I looked at the pile of work on my desk and debated lunch break or not. Nope, no lunch. I did overtime to make up for missing work and by the time I got home my stomach was a complaining, empty pit. Christina was on her Chicago trip already, so it was just me and the dog. Frozen dinner? Easy choice.
Back outside to eat with Sonar and my journal. I wasn’t going to write anything about my trip and Logan and that woman. I mean, who knew if Brecken would keep his word or not. Maybe, he said. He could break into the house when I was gone, find my journal and read it. But I’ve devised a really good hiding place. Locked in a box with my name stenciled on it and stashed behind the dryer.
I sat for over an hour and chronicled the bizarre discoveries in Santa Barbara. Truthfully, all those things about him didn't worry me quite as much, not even the stalking. I saw it as wanting to connect, which I wanted, too.
The working pages for my new songs were a mess so I ripped them out, recopied the lyrics and added a page that I entitled “What now?” Conor was on that page, but not Crystal. That was an interesting puzzle, considering how close they are. Does she know about him? In fact, what do I know about him? Not enough and I couldn’t exactly ask. Could I? Well, maybe.
Conor's not scheduled until tomorrow, so I'll have to wait to corner him. I need to be very cagey about what I say, but I’m good at cagey.
Even so, how do I start the conversation? I decided to approach it from a music angle. That seemed safe enough. It wouldn’t cause him to suspect a thing about my real intentions - prove to myself that Conor is the same thing as Brecken. I added a note about why I wanted to find that proof. “Anyone would want to know,” I wrote, ”if they had the slightest idea that creatures like that live around us, out in the open and looking like everyone else, but with a huge difference.” I underlined the word 'creatures' and put a question mark above it.
Because it seemed to fit, I wrote down some things about myself that my cousin calls 'growth spurt'. My special talents have increased, but she thinks that's natural, like
music. The more I practice and the more I compose, the easier and better it gets. And the more I jog, the better, too. Of course none of that has anything to do with sharper ears and wisps of silver in my aura.
My mind was a whirl with what I’d written. I felt like I stood on a precipice, ready to leap into a world of the fantastic and the unknown and no bungee cord. Beyond scary, but it was a world that invited me. And l was already in full leap.
Chapter 55
My kind generally prefers cool weather and this Spring was just to my taste. Warmth had turned to drizzle again and everyone came into the Tavern smelling like wet dogs, including me.
The dampness seemed to create an undertone of excitement. The Tavern was jumping and Henna was seated next to me near the door, Conor on stage. She wasn't performing tonight, but she wanted to see how Conor was doing. Never matters to me where we go, as long as she's content. Even so, I knew something was on her mind.
I'd gotten here early to talk to Conor and was surprised to learn that Henna had already waylaid him. She gave me a furtive glance when I walked in, then an abrupt smile. I narrowed my eyes at Conor. What had they been talking about?
I was sort of doing double duty, being very focused on Henna and mega alert to the fact that Conor was performing tonight with an empty belly.
I watched for any small sign of Henna reacting to Conor the performer versus Conor the vamp. She’s reacted before, in some hard to define manner. Now, with the odd way she's been watching me since she came back, I was on alert.
Conor always seemed human, even while captivating patrons with his charm and intricate playing. In point of fact, so intent was Henna's attention, I half wondered if she realized that he was oozing “thirsty” from every pore. Apparently, she only noticed the effect he has on the crowd. Yet, there was a similarity in Conor’s vibes and my own, which she clearly discerns and has totally misunderstood.
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