by Claire Adams
I hated that my father was there soothing me while he was the one dying. I should have been strong for him. It should have been me who was comforting him, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even look at him for a moment and stayed wrapped up in his hug as we sat there in silence.
When I finally gathered myself, I sat back up in the chair and he opened his eyes so we could talk for a few minutes.”
“What’s on your mind, son?”
“Kelsi. I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve got all sorts of feelings for her, but I’m not sure if they are real or not.”
My father didn’t move and just slightly shook his head. He waited for a whole minute before he finally started to respond to me.
“You know how you can tell if you love a girl?” my father said with a grin on his face. “If she makes you smile even when she’s mad at you.”
“Really? Does Mom do that?” I said as I held his hand.
“Oh, yeah. She would get so mad at me and be yelling and saying all sorts of things, but all I could think about was how damn beautiful she was. One time, I had gone to the store and forgotten everything on the list she had given me. I came home with all sorts of other items. Her face was red, and she was yelling. She couldn’t understand how I had gone all the way to the store and not even looked at her list. But she had flour all in her hair, and I started laughing as I realized there was also a big chunk of cookie dough in her hair, too. Boy, did she get even madder at me.” He laughed.
“Kelsi and I haven’t gotten angry…oh, wait,” I said as I remembered showing up at the restaurant.
“Yep, there it is,” my father said as he lifted his finger and pointed at my face. “That’s the face of a man in love.”
“Well, I don’t know about all that. How can I really know?”
“You’ll know.”
“But how? I’m an analytic guy, Dad. I look at facts.”
My father seemed like he was getting tired again as he closed his eyes and I felt his grip on my hand lighten. For a minute, I thought he might have passed away, but then I saw his chest still rising and falling.
“You’ll think about living your life without her, and it will seem the like second best option,” my father said softly as he drifted in and out of sleep. “The best version of the life you dream about will always have her in it, that’s how you’ll know you’re in love.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I said softly as I lay my head back down next to him. “Go ahead and rest now; I’m going to stay here for a little bit.”
“I love you, Tyler.”
“I love you, too, Dad.”
I closed my eyes and fell asleep next to my father for what seemed like hours and hours. When my sister and mother woke me up, it was getting dark outside and I had a sinking feeling we weren’t going to have my dad around for very much longer.
“You two sit here; I’ll grab a chair and pull up on the other side,” I said quietly so I wouldn’t wake him up.
“How long have you two been sleeping?” my mother asked.
“Mr. Pace was up about an hour ago,” the nurse said as she walked in. “But you were sound asleep, so he made me come back later when you woke up.”
“Ah, man, I’m sorry. I just haven’t been getting much sleep lately. You take care of Dad, don’t worry about me at all.”
I moved out of the way and sat with my mom and sister while the nurse checked Dad’s vital signs and did all the things she had to. She took such great care of my dad; it was a relief to have him in a facility that truly took care of him.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Kelsi,” my mother said as she smiled at me.
“He’s sleeping with her,” Maryanne blurted out.
“Great, nice job, Maryanne,” I growled.
“Oh, come on, everyone knows.”
My mother just shook her head and smiled as she squeezed my father’s hand. Knowing about something and wanting to talk about it were two totally different things. I absolutely did not want to talk about my sex life with my mother.
“I heard they were losing their ranch,” my mother said softly. “That’s very sad.”
“What? Why is it sad, Mom?” I asked out of total confusion. “You and Dad are losing yours, too.”
“We are not losing ours. I’m making the decision to sell it so I don’t have to be burdened by the workload. There is a big difference.”
“It’s my understanding that they are doing the same thing,” I said as I tried to cover up what I really knew about Kelsi’s family ranch. “Her parents want to retire and are tired of worrying about the ranch. They are selling it, and I think Kelsi might even buy it and turn it into something pretty amazing.”
“Well now, wouldn’t that be the greatest turn of events?” my mother said kindly. Although from the look in her eyes, I was pretty sure she knew the truth about what was going on over at Kelsi’s house. “Are you going to head back home?”
“No, I think I’ll stick around for a little bit tonight. Should I order a pizza for us and we can all hang out with Dad tonight?” I asked.
“Yeah, that’s awesome,” Maryanne said as she was scrolling through her phone. I wasn’t really sure if she was responding to me or whatever was on her phone.
“That sounds perfect. A nice family night,” my mother said as she reached for my hand. “I’ve been waiting for a night with all of us together for a long time.”
Chapter Eighteen
Kelsi
“I’m going to apply for a loan,” I announced to Hannah and Kendall while we were working in the barn.
“You’re going to buy the ranch?” Kendall said excitedly. “I knew you would. This is going to be perfect. Are you okay if I still move away, though? I can stay and help you out if you need me to.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” I laughed. “I’m just going in to talk to them about the loan. I have no idea if I could even qualify to get it. It’s more of an information search than anything else. I’ll let them run the numbers and see if it’s a possibility.”
The mood in the barn was upbeat and excited as we spent the morning talking about all the possibilities of the ranch. I told them about my idea for a theater camp and some other things I was thinking about. It was fun to fantasize about everything, yet I was still really nervous about what the bank was going to have to say.
“I don’t have credit. I’ve always paid for things with my savings account. I’m not going to get too excited until I talk to them.”
“That’s reasonable, but no credit is better than bad credit. I think they will want to give you a chance. It would be easier for them if you just took things over. They wouldn’t have to wait for a sale and they already know that you’re going to take care of the property. It really is the best possible solution,” Hannah said as we sat at the picnic bench for a little while.
“What time is your appointment? Do you want me to go with you?” Kendall asked.
“No, I’m good. I think it’s about time I started doing things on my own.”
My stomach churned at the thought of doing it all on my own. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t have a business set up or a good understanding of the financial situation that was going on. But I had to take the first step and talk to the bank if I was going to move forward with possibly getting a loan. It was scary, though; almost as scary as when I decided to be a single mom.
By ten o’clock, I was dressed nice and heading into town to visit with the bank manager. She was a nice woman and had seemed very interested in talking to me about the property when I called her.
I sat in the parking lot for nearly 10 minutes after I arrived, since I was early and I didn’t want to seem too eager. I remembered my father once saying that banks only liked to loan people money when they didn’t need the money. So, my plan was to try and seem like I didn’t need the money when I actually desperately needed it.
“Hello, Miss Sullivan, I’m Kirsten Blackwell,” the sharply dressed woman said
as she stuck her hand out to shake mine.
She was younger than me, but much more sophisticated looking than I was. Her black pencil skirt looked like it was made of expensive fabric and it matched her suit coat exactly. I was intimidated almost immediately as we sat down in her large corner office and started to discuss my family’s land.
“Thank you for seeing me. I’m not sure how this whole process works, but I wanted to come see you and get it started.”
“I’m very excited you’ve decided to apply to get a loan for your family ranch. It sounds like the perfect solution for a very difficult problem. You do know that your parents have an option of passing the current mortgage over to you and you could just continue the payments. There is currently a $30,000 late fee, but once that is paid, the loan will be up to date and you could move forward with regular payments.”
“The problem is that they really should get some money out of the property so they can retire and I don’t have that kind of money to put upfront. I was hoping I could get a new loan in my own name so they could move on.”
“That is certainly an option. We could talk a little more about it if you’d like. Basically, I’d have to run your credit report, and we could go over what information we have from there. Is that what you’d like to do?”
“Yes, I think that would be a good start. Then if there is something I need to do or fix, I could try and do that right away before I took on a loan.”
Kirsten just smiled kindly at me and pulled out a long application out of her desk for me to fill out. It didn’t look like this process was going to go very quickly at all.
“That’s a really big form.” I laughed.
“This is just our preliminary application. We will run this through the system and then we can talk about your options. If it looks good, I’ll have a lot more information to get from you while we do the official application.”
“Can I just fill it out right now?”
“Sure, let’s go to the back room and you can take all the time you need. It’s nice to do this process at the beginning so we can set up the best plan for you and your credit history.”
I followed Kirsten to the back room where there was a big conference table and eight chairs all around it. I didn’t like the sound of the bank looking at my credit history, but I was there already, and I was ready for them to do what had to be done so I could move forward. Owning the ranch was such a big dream of mine, I could hardly keep my hand still as I started to fill out the paperwork.
Three hours later, I was back in Kirsten’s office and we were ready to go over my information. The room seemed much smaller this time, and I felt like it was also a lot warmer. My pulse raced as she sat down across from me and I tried to figure out what it was she was going to say. She was very good at hiding behind her emotionless face though because I had absolutely no idea if she had good new or bad news until she started to talk.
“The good news is that your credit is unremarkable. You don’t have any negative points on there, and that is rather surprising for someone in this day and age,” Kirsten said as she smiled at me and then looked back through the stack of papers she had on her desk.
“And the bad news?”
“There is some bad news,” Kirsten continued on. “Without a significant income history and with the current negative cash flow of the ranch, it won’t be possible for us to give you a loan. Whomever takes over this property will need to be cash flow positive and ready to input a significant amount of money to update the infrastructure of the property.”
“Yes, I know the infrastructure needs work. I could put together a business plan for how I would do that if I could get a loan. I have a friend who is really good at business and he can help me with all of that.”
Nothing that I was saying seemed to interest Kirsten at all, though; she continued with the flat facial expression and barely nodded her head as I talked. There had to be another option; I couldn’t be the only family member to try and take over the family business and not have a long history of credit.
“I’m sorry, Kelsi, I’ve looked through the property financials several times and I even ran everything past our district manager. We decided we will only be taking cash offers or outside financing for the property because of the risk level involved.”
“I don’t know what you’re saying, what does that mean?”
“It means we expect to sell the property to a well-financed buyer who will not need a loan through us.”
“So, I don’t even get a chance?”
“I know your heart is in the right place, Kelsi, and if banking was based on that alone, I’d give you the loan right this second. But we are a business, and we have to look at the bottom line. If you’d like, I can put in a good word for you with any potential buyers and ask them to keep you on to manage the ranch. Many buyers are looking to expand their portfolio without actually running the property themselves. You could end up with a hefty salary and still be in charge of the ranch if you play your cards right.”
“I would be working for a stranger,” I yelled as I stood up and grabbed my purse. “You aren’t here to help people; you’re only here to help people who don’t need you!”
I stormed out of the bank and made it almost to my vehicle before I broke down in tears. I had actually thought there was a possibility of me getting a loan to buy the ranch. Maybe they would need me to put a big down payment, or possibly they would want me to have the business plan developed; I was ready for those options. What I was totally unprepared for was the bank manager suggesting I would make a good ranch hand to whomever ended up buying the property.
My hands shook as I started the car and I decided to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes as I gathered my wits about me. My anger was boiling over still when I got a call from my mother.
“Hi, Mom,” I said as I took in a deep breath and tried to play it off like I was doing just fine.
“Will you be home soon? I’ve heard some news.”
“Yes, I’m just leaving the bank. What’s up?”
There was a long pause and I instinctively knew what had happened. My stomach ached and churned at the news I anticipated my mother telling me.
“Mr. Pace passed away early this morning. It sounds like his whole family was there with him, and he went peacefully in his sleep,” my mother said somberly.
“I should go check in with Tyler,” I said as tears rolled down my cheek.
“Okay, dear. I’ll see you later.”
As soon as I hung up the phone, I started to sob uncontrollably. It wasn’t just that Mr. Pace had died, it was that I lost the loan and that Tyler was going to be leaving. Everything bad had happened in that one morning. I’d gone from feeling like I was on top of the world to feeling like I could barely move I was so beaten down.
After about 20 minutes, I had gathered myself together enough to drive out of the parking lot of the bank, but I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to stop by Tyler’s house. How was I going to offer support to him if I was still a total disaster? Instead, I decided to drive around for a little bit and clear my head.
An hour later, I ended up driving right up the road toward the old Decker farm house. I loved that house and its wraparound porch. It was calming to sit there and look out over the deserted property, and it was a safe place to go where I knew I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone or interact with my own emotions if I didn’t want to.
The paint was chipping away so badly on the porch that I could see bare wood in several spots. But I sat on the porch swing and looked at the chipped porch floor and took in the calmness as I tried to piece together my life.
I was lucky; I knew I was lucky in some aspects of my life. I had my parents, my health, and I knew I wasn’t going to be hungry or homeless. The stressors I had going on were going to pass and I’d find my way, I knew that much; but it didn’t lessen the overwhelming feeling that encompassed my thoughts that day.
The vibration from my phone going off over and over a
gain finally woke me up out of my daze, and I reached into my pocket and answered the call. I felt numb as I held the phone up to my ear and softly waited for the person on the other end to talk.
“Hello?” I heard Tyler say. “Are you there?”
“Oh, hi. Yes, I’m here.”
“Where are you? I went to your house and your mother said you hadn’t come home all day.”
“How are you? I’m so sorry, Tyler,” I said as I tried not to cry.
The last thing he needed was me to be crying when it was his father who had passed away. I took to counting the floorboards on the ground as I tried to distract myself and think of anything other than the loss he was going through at that very moment.
“Where are you?” he asked me again.
“I’m at the Decker farm,” I said. “But I…”
“I’ll be right there,” he replied and then hung up before I could say more.
I had no idea where he was or how long it would take him to get there, but I waited on the porch for him. I had nowhere else I needed to be. I wouldn’t even have my ranch for much longer; I’d have to find some other job and some other place to live most likely. Unless my parents happened to figure out a way to keep their house while selling the rest of the ranch. But did I really want to keep living with my parents? I was a mother now, and I needed to provide some stability for my son. I had to grow up sooner or later, and maybe this was all just one big push to get me to do what I needed to.
As Tyler’s car drove up the long drive, I tried not to look at him. I was barely holding it together, and I couldn’t bear to see him upset or I knew I’d lose it for sure.
“There you are,” Tyler said with a huge smile on his face as he climbed up the porch steps. “I’ve literally been looking for you everywhere.”
“I’m so sorry, Tyler. I’m so sorry he’s gone,” I said as I lost it.
I wrapped my arms around him, and he held onto me as I continued to cry. My nerves were gone, my thoughts of the future were all confused, all I knew for sure was I wanted this man with me at that moment. It felt good to have his arms around me, and I didn’t want him to let go at all.
