by Felix, Lila
I dropped the knife, “Let me go get him.”
“No, why don’t you let me.”
“Dad,” I dragged out the word, warning him of what I thought would be something devious on my father’s part.
He held up his hands, “Seriously, let me have a crack at him.”
I watched him walk out and I went to the side of the dining room window, and my breath was taken away at the sight of Rex in my yard. He wore a white button down shirt, with the damned suspenders, and some low slung grey pants—and Converses. He wasn’t ashamed of his tattoos around me, showing it by having his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. I could see my Dad approaching and Rex reaching out to give him a steady handshake and a golden smile.
My dad began to point out the different daisies, probably telling him the species of each and where he bought them. He bought my mother a rose bush every time he found a different color. And they flourished under her care. Rex responded to my dad after a while and whatever he said warranted a clap on the back and finally an invitation to come in. I nearly killed myself scrambling back into the kitchen to pretend like I wasn’t spying on them. My mom saw what I was doing and sidled up next to me, “We’re buttering bread. No worries,” she tried to calm me.
“Look what I found outside, Hayes.”
Suddenly I became weird. I didn’t know what the protocol was. I’d never brought a boy home before and I certainly didn’t want to play Mr. and Mrs. Stepford like Hazel and Noah’s Ark. Was I expected to throw my arms around him and kiss him?
“Hi, Rex.”
“Hi, gorgeous.” He kissed my temple and drew me to his side under his arm.
“Oh my goodness, gag. Hi, Rex. I’m Hazel and this is Baxter, my husband.” For some reason she enunciated ‘husband’ like it trumped Rex.
“Nice to meet you both. It smells wonderful.”
Someone, at sometime, must’ve told Rex he was awkward, but I’d never seen him have anything but manners in front of people.
“Aww, thank you,” my mom blushed under his praise.
“So, how long have you two been dating? I mean, I’m just surprised you lasted this long. She usually runs them out somewhere in the first date. Do tell.”
Rex inhaled a great breath, “I’ve actually been infatuated with Hayes for a very long time. She just didn’t know it. I actually couldn’t believe she’d go out with me.”
“Huh,” my sister stiffened at his answer. I wanted to reach out and high five him. And my dad did some kind of laugh/cough into his fist bit. Rex had been there five minutes and had already one upped my sister.
“Well, let’s sit down for dinner.” Mom announced. We all went to the table, everyone grabbed a dish. We sat and my sister was being especially clanky with the silverware, making extraneous noises any chance she got.
“You might want to watch Hayes around the knife, Rex.”
“That’s enough, Hazel,” my dad jumped in.
“Whatever. I’m leaving.” Poor Baxter was halfway to his mouth with a forkful of food when she snatched him up by his shoulder and they left without another word.
“I think that was a record, Rex. Can you come over every Sunday?”
“You are so bad,” my mom threw my napkin at my dad for inferring that Rex ran Hazel off.
“You like me bad,” he cooed back.
“Hey, there will be none of that.” I preempted a make-out session.
“I was telling Rex outside that I spent a half an hour talking myself into meeting your parents.”
I looked to Rex and he agreed, “He did. It made me feel a little better. A little.”
He brought laughs to our table. A little part of me knew I was falling hard when he made my parents laugh. After eating, Rex offered to help my dad with the dishes and I could see the imaginary approval rating go higher in my parents’ heads.
“Do you want to take a walk,” I asked him.
He nodded and we walked outside. My mom always kept her yard just right and she grew Mayhaw trees in the back. My treehouse was in an old Oak tree all the way to the back of the property and I had a plan to fulfill my fantasy.
I pulled him by the hand and walked the winding stairs up to my round treehouse. My father built it when I was a girl and Hazel was too busy putting on make-up and dresses.
“It’s cozy,” he said, having to duck to get inside.
“It is. I stayed here all the time and read. Sometimes I’d lose track of time and end up spending the night.”
“Why? You have a great family. From where I stand, you’re damned near perfect.”
Exasperated I retorted, “No one is perfect, Rex. No one. Please don’t call me that. Anyone who seems perfect is either faking it or unaware of their own sin.”
“Do you have a knife or something?” He asked, his eyes on the trunk of the tree my treehouse was built around.
“Yeah, in the little pencil box.” I answered. He had no idea what he was asking. That was my secret stash of blades in there. Even my parents didn’t know about that stash.
“Can I carve something in the wood,” he was bashful again.
“Yeah, what are you gonna do, ‘Rex was here’?”
“You’ll see.”
I knew what he was doing as soon as I saw the H and the M. I started crying silently. He had no idea what he was doing with just a few strokes of that knife. He was turning the object I used to self-inflict wounds to engrave something beautiful. I bet he didn’t know with every cut, he also carved a way deeper into my heart.
“There,” he finally finished his masterpiece and moved back, proud of his work. The letters read H.M. & R.M. 4 EVER. It made me cry more.
“Oh man, I made you cry. Shit. I can carve it away. If you hate me one day, just take a hammer to it. Maybe it will make you feel better.”
“Don’t you dare carve that away,” I demanded through tears.
“Come here. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He dragged me over to his lap and situated me sideways on his lap.
“Give me this,” I reached for the knife and put it back into the box. I loved that knife before, for the pressure it relieved beneath my skin. But now I love it because it allowed Rex to replace a horrible memory with a beautiful one.
“Tell me why you’re crying,” he used his thumb to wipe away one of my tears.
“I’m falling for you hard,” I covered my difficult confession with a easier to swallow confession.
He let out a sound of unbelief, “It’s too late for me. I think I’ve already fallen.”
“You’re just trying to get me to make out with you in the treehouse.”
“You doubt my feelings, lady?” He took on a Shakespearian tone.
“No. I’ve never heard anything so heartfelt in my life.”
“Good. Because it’s true. And I want to make out.”
I’d never laughed so much as when I was with Rex. He wasn’t particularly funny in groups, but when it was just me and him, he was funny as all get out.
Grabbing his collar, I pulled him down to me. He smiled before covering my lips with his own. One of his hands squeezed my thigh and I giggled into his lips thinking of the ‘no thigh’ rule the night before. I didn’t intend to give anything away before I was married, but it would be hard to deny Rex any part of me. I moved to straddle his lap and made a big deal of pulling his suspenders down one by one.
“I was hoping you’d do that,” he breathed onto my neck. And then his lips sucked and nibbled on the same spot, in the curve of my neck. I shivered, overcome by the sensation. It made him moan.
“You can’t make that noise. It drives me insane.”
He pulled back, “Bad or good?”
“Oh, very good.”
I felt his smile against my neck, “I could eat you up, like cake.”
I giggled again. I’d never giggled so much in my life.
“Hayes,” my dad called me from somewhere in the yard—somewhere close.
We both froze and Rex popped his sus
penders back in place.
“I’m coming,” I called back and we both cracked up at the inappropriateness of my answer.
We descended the ladder and my dad wore a grin of knowing.
“Your mom likes to go up there,” he cocked his eyebrow at me, insinuating something I didn’t want to know anything about.
“Gross, Dad. I’ll never go up there again.”
We left my parents’ house, each in our own cars later. I had to wake up at three to get into the bakery on time but I already dreaded sleeping alone again. I made the bed and noticed Rex had left a button down shirt on my chair and though I should’ve called him so he could get it, I just let it be a reminder that he’d been there.
Rex
There’s a book on Pissing by a man named I. P. Long, have you read it?
I went home alone and back to my own devices. And by my own devices, I meant studying and trying not to hear my dad’s voice. After reading my school e-mails, I cracked the books open but found it hard to concentrate when I could still smell her on me.
My phone rang and I looked at it—Nixon.
“Hello?”
“Hey man, I need your help.”
“What’s up?”
“Journey’s water just broke. She’s early. I need you to watch Scout. My Dad won’t answer the phone.”
“I’m on my way.”
Throwing scattered clothes into a bag, I ran out to my truck and floored it all the way to Nixon’s house. Nixon was so rock solid about everything. I couldn’t believe how he never freaked out. Journey, on the other hand, was pacing the floor by the foot of the stairs, coming unglued.
“Hey,” I wrapped my arms around her, looking frantically for Nixon. “You’re okay. You’re already the best mom ever. You’ve got this. Where’s Nixon.”
“He’s about to be in the morgue. He’s got this checklist and he’s packing the car. I don’t care what’s on his list, I just want to get to the hospital.”
That must’ve been the hormones talking. Journey and Nixon never even fought.
“Okay, we’re ready to go,” he came in a few minutes later.
He relieved me of Journey duty, “Scout’s upstairs. She doesn’t even know we’re going to the hospital. She’ll be pissed, but I can’t have her blabber mouth up there while I’m trying to help Journey. I’ll call when we’re ready for her. Can you skip class if we’re still in labor or whatever tomorrow?”
“In labor—tomorrow!!!” Journey screamed at him.
“Nevermind,” he said, his eyes growing wide.
“I can skip a class or two, no problem.” I said as they were leaving.
Nixon’s house was huge. I’d gotten hungry again since eating at Hayes’ parents’ house so I raided the fridge. I decided on cereal, it was the easiest. After washing my bowl, I locked everything up, checked on Scout, and made myself a bed on the couch. Even after the great sleep I’d gotten the night before, I was still tired. Just as I was dozing off, my phone beeped.
Hayes: I have your shirt.
Me: Keep it.
Then my phone rang and I answered it quickly, not wanting to wake the talking beast.
“Couldn’t resist? You had to call me?”
She laughed, “Yes. I needed my fix of your voice.”
“Well, I’m at Nixon’s house. There’s another baby on the way.”
“Woah! Really? I like Scout. She’s the one who tipped me off to you.”
“What?”
“Yeah, that night at the bout, you were so serious looking, but then when Scout hugged you, you melted. That’s when I knew you were…”
She trailed off and I knew in my gut that she was going to say something off.
“What? Just say it.” I knew my tone wasn’t all that friendly, but I wanted to know how she perceived me before.
“You just seemed cold—unapproachable. But Scout showed me that you just needed some care.”
I reverted back to the ice man, “Sounds a lot like sympathy.”
“Maybe more like empathy. There’s a difference. You saw how my sister acted today? She made me think everyone felt that way about me. So I shut down, shut everyone out. But my parents were unrelenting in their love. That’s what saved me.”
“So you’re trying to save me?”
Even I knew that sounded like an asshole statement.
“I’m gonna talk to you tomorrow. This is going nowhere. I just wanted to hear your voice. I was wishing you were here with me.”
She hung up before I could respond. I just wanted to shake her, making her know that life would probably always be like this with me. It would always be three steps forward and ten back. That’s what it felt like to be me. I wrestled with myself until I fell asleep, only by remembering how it felt to hold her the night before.
Chandler Solomon Black was born at exactly noon the next day. Scout ran upstairs, threw on her ‘I’m a big sister’ shirt, and then chanted, ‘Faster, Uncle Rex, Faster!’ the whole way to the hospital. Then the little jabber jaw had the nerve to shush me as I held her, going into the room. I was surprised the room was empty except for Nixon and Journey. I expected the whole family to be bustling inside.
“Where’s everyone?”
Nixon smiled and took Scout from me, “Thanks, Rex. Sylvia can’t come up here because she’s not feeling well after her treatment Chase is with her. My dad had a trial this morning. And we haven’t called anyone else. Journey just wanted some quiet with me and Scout before the parade rolled in.”
“Yeah, I get that. I’ll leave you to it, then.”
“No, Rex. You get to see her first. Journey and I agreed on it.”
I looked over to Journey who looked so joyously exhausted, holding her new son.
“Come over here, Rex. You’re always the last to see the babies, but first to jump and babysit when we need you. We want you to be the first this time.”
Scout was already on the bed next to her adopted mother. Nixon and I stood back and let them all bond. It was a sight to see. Journey was Scout’s mother in all ways but biology. And that’s when I realized the same went for me. I wasn’t really a part of the Black family, but they treated me like one of the brothers. It was me who kept them at a distance all this time.
“How’s it going with Hayes?” Nixon busted my thought bubble.
“I keep screwing up. I feel like the bull and she’s the china.”
“You know what I realized today?”
“What?”
“I realized that I’m a parent now. And Scout was kinda by accident, so it was hard to view myself as a parent before, really, since it was forced on me. But now, I’m a dad to two children and I have a gorgeous wife. And I’m effing happy about it all. I’m so happy it’s hard to breathe sometimes. And then it clicked. I’m not my mother. I finally let myself be free of her mental state. It was like her depression bled onto me, making me feel it by proxy. And the same goes for you. You’ve already proven that you’re not him. And Hayes is not your mother. You are your own person. You just have to let yourself be free of it. Wow, I’m very philosophical this morning. I need some coffee.”
He laughed, but everything he said rang true. I wasn’t alone to wallow in my problems anymore. I had to break the chains of my dad for me and for Hayes if I ever intended to have a future with her.
I wanted a future with her.
I finally got to hold Chandler. He was a lot more robust than the twins. They were dainty and feminine and Chandler was all boy. He had straight black hair pointing out in every direction.
“I have a brother,” Scout sat beside me in awe as I rocked him gently. I almost felt like a pro now.
“You have a great family, Scout.”
“Are you gonna have a family like mine,” she asked innocently.
“One day, I might.”
She beamed at me, “Good, I need more cousins.”
After a few minutes, I hear Nixon calling people to tell them the news. I decided to scoot out before the he
rd moved in. Plus, I had an apology to make—again.
I went home, showered and changed my clothes. Sitting on the bed, I called her.
“Hello.”
“I’m sorry.” I skipped the niceties.
“Can you come over? I hate having this conversation over the phone.”
“Yes. Give me fifteen minutes.”
I drove over to her house and practiced groveling on the way. Nixon was right. I wasn’t my father. Now I just had to figure out who I was. But one thing I knew for sure. I didn’t want to figure it out without Hayes. Plus, I needed to stop being such an ass. I made a point to stop at the flower shop and get her a dozen daisies. That was the least she deserved for putting up with me.
I knocked on her door later and heard her call out from the inside telling me it was open. Walking in, I closed and locked the door behind me.
“What if that was an axe murderer or a kidnapper and you just invited them in?”
She rolled her eyes, “I saw you through the window, don’t get dramatic.”
“I just want you to be safe.”
“Ok. Fine.”
“I brought you these,” I held out the daisies as a token of regret.
“Thanks. Is there a new baby?”
“Yes. Chandler was born at noon. I went to see him before coming here.”
She ran water from the faucet into a glass vase and set the daisies in it and then placed the vase on the kitchen table. We stood at opposite sides of the room, both too stubborn to give in, but I knew it was me who needed to give in the most.
“I’m sorry again. Can you help me?” Never had I sounded so desperate.
“Help you what?”
“Help me get over myself, help me be happy, help me figure out who I am aside from being my father’s son.”
She shrugged and I had no clue what she would say next, “I think you’re over yourself. You look pretty bummed out. And I can help you with happy, but happiness is a choice everyone makes for themselves. And I’d love to help you figure out who you are. Sounds like a trip I want to take.”
Before I could respond, her arms were wrapped around me and I realized she was right. I melted anytime someone showed me some affection—especially Hayes.
“How do you put up with me? You have to drag me around every corner.”
