I guess when someone does this to the face of a girl, a girl they professed to like, maybe they’re too unpredictable, too dangerous to be dealt with. Maybe.
And I was going willingly.
And then there was this: What if Gavin was crying? What if he was begging? What if his hand was over his heart with that plead in his eyes? The answer would still be hell no, right?
Of course.
I was 97% sure. But the 3% was freaking me out.
And making me scared for Teddy.
Was bringing Teddy here a good idea? What if Teddy got hurt?
What if Gavin hit him or got so mad that he hit me again, or what if that insane 3% kicked in and I broke down and stayed?
And Cassie, she was coming with me, an almost total stranger—the whole thing was bonkers. And insane.
And if that 3% kicked in, pheromones or chemical hormones or sexy rock and roller overriding my common sense, what then? What then?
Someone was leaving, so we snuck through the front door and up the three flights of stairs to Gavin’s door. There was no suitcase. I knocked, Cassie’s arm wrapped in mine.
Gavin opened the door with a rush. He looked surprised at the strangers on his doorstep, but ignored them. “Sid, oh love, please, we need to talk.”
Teddy grunted. I glanced at his face, he was glaring at Gavin.
Gavin placed a hand over his heart and stretched the other arm out. Like I might take his hand, follow him inside.
“We don’t need to talk, I need my stuff.”
Gavin said, “Love, we do, please—”
Teddy stepped up, his shoulder coming around to my front. Making him hard to ignore.
But Gavin continued to ignore him. “Sid, I’m so sorry, come in, please, let’s talk. I feel so—”
Teddy, his eyes focused on Gavin’s mouth, growled, low and guttural. “She said she doesn’t want to talk to you. Get her stuff.”
Gavin kept his eyes on me. “I heard her, but she needs to under—”
Teddy shifted closer, his jaw jutting. “She doesn’t need anything from you but her stuff—now.”
Gavin focused on Teddy. “What the fuck are you even doing here? Sid, why is he here—this is between me and you, love, come in—please, Sid, please.” Teddy growled again.
Cassie tightened her hold on my arm.
I said, “Gavin, there’s nothing to say, please get my stuff.”
“I have it, I just wanted to—”
Teddy stepped closer, “Yeah. You have her stuff. You have her passport and her coat and her phone, and how many hours has she been on the streets without her coat you think? How long before you found her and gave her her things?”
“I didn’t—”
Teddy was inches away from Gavin’s face, his fists pulled behind, his chest bowed out. “Yes you did, you kept her stuff so she would come for it, because you’re a fucking asshole. She’s on the streets with no coat, and you’re waiting for her to come back to you.”
“Shut up, you don’t know.”
“I don’t know? I know I flew here from LA and got to Sid before you even started looking.”
Gavin stepped into the hall. “Sid, tell this guy to back off.”
“Look at her face. Look at what you did to her face.” The look in Teddy’s eyes was scaring me, he pressed closer to Gavin, teeth bared.
“Teddy, it’s not worth it, Teddy—” I reached for his upper arm clutching it with both hands, tugging. “Please.” My heart was racing.
Gavin looked from my face to Teddy’s and then he grabbed the front of Teddy’s coat, twisting it, eye to eye.
I yelled, “Gavin stop it!”
The air felt full, the only sound their heavy breaths.
He said, “Sid, you tell this bloke to get off my property.”
Teddy said, his voice firm and measured, nose to nose with Gavin, “Don’t tell her what to do.”
Gavin shoved Teddy, then swung, a right hook aimed for his nose.
Teddy ducked in time, Gavin missed.
Teddy’s hands were up by his jaw, his eyes focused on Gavin’s face.
Gavin threw a wild, angry, left hook.
Teddy arched away, and Gavin missed him again. Teddy bounced on the balls of his feet. “Careful, you don’t want to look like a tool in front of the girls.”
Gavin swung again. Teddy ducked and weaved. Gavin bellowed, loud and angry, and lunged. His forearm aimed for Teddy’s neck.
I screamed.
Gavin slammed Teddy roughly into the waist-high railing of the stairwell, shoving so hard that Teddy almost fell over. Backward. Over the rail and down. Three flights of stairs down.
It happened so fast that my scream was still going, that’s all it took and Teddy almost—Oh god, Teddy almost—he gripped the railing, leveled out, his top half defying gravity, pushed out over space, about to fall—I scrambled for Teddy’s arm. Yanking up on his sleeve, screaming, “Don’t Gavin, don’t, let him go, don’t push him.”
I begged and held on, trying to pull Teddy to safety. Trying to struggle between them, but they were frozen, locked, too strong. Teddy glared into Gavin’s eyes. Daring him. And Gavin was past logic. Was about to let go. “Teddy! Oh god, Teddy!”
Suddenly Gavin stopped. He stepped back.
Teddy stumbled off the railing, bent over, hands on his thighs, breathing heavily.
Gavin said, “I knew it, I knew something was going on between you two.” He looked at me, “You’re a liar.”
“I want my stuff.”
Gavin turned, stormed into his apartment, and returned thirty seconds later with my pack, and threw it towards me. It landed with a thud on the carpet. Then he slammed the door, hard.
Teddy was head down, heavy breaths. I crouched to look up into his eyes, “Teddy? Oh my god, Teddy?”
“Yeah.” He remained like that for another couple of minutes. Then he stood and rubbed his hands up and down on his face. “Brrrrrrrr.” He shook out all his limbs. Like he wanted what had just happened—off. Finally, staring at the door, he said, “Seriously? That guy? Fucking A. I can’t believe you went for that guy.”
He wasn’t talking to me, to himself, but still, tears welled up in my eyes.
Cassie said, “Teddy, I can’t believe you didn’t punch him.”
My hands were shaking so hard they were blurry. Was it cold or fear? I worried I would shake loose at my seams.
Teddy said, “I made a promise to Sid’s mom.”
I clutched my stomach and sobbed into my hand. I needed to get out of here.
Cassie said, “I mean, that was awesome, that you didn’t hit him, I thought you would, but it was so much better that you didn’t, he didn’t know how to handle it.”
Teddy kept staring at the door. “The best way to win a fight is not to fight.”
Cassie said, “Well, we better get going.”
Teddy leaned down and picked up my pack and slung it to his shoulder. I wanted to protest, but I was seriously falling apart. I was unsure if my legs were steady enough to propel me. What if Teddy had to carry me and my pack—like a god dammed super hero again? Too good for me, clear. Too smart for me, too.
Smart enough to know if he hit Gavin—I might feel sorry for Gavin. The heart is a tricky thing. The chemicals and insane stew of What The Hell—Who Knows Why Women Go Back? But everything bad that happens, it’s all because of those tears. The ones behind the eyes. The Ache. It’s like a cancer and malignant cells build more. It’s science.
Teddy was smart.
And that 3% possibility?
Gone.
But me? Possibly gone too. How do you come back from all of this?
I broke apart starting with a fissure down my core. The tears crashed through. More sobs filled my hands. I needed to fall to my knees but not here. Not on Gavin’s doorstep. My shaky feet directed and aimed toward the hostel, walking, barely, my broken self dragging behind. I had one thought: roll up in the fetal position and cry for a good long time—ab
out how scary that was and how awful and dangerous and how I had liked that guy, liked him, really, and now my face hurt and my heart, and I was weak, and if Teddy hadn’t come to pick up my pieces—what might have happened to me? And as a thank you I almost got him killed. I walked faster, my body wracked by tears of despair and shame.
One Hundred Twenty
Teddy
“Sid!” I jogged behind. It had taken my brain a few minutes to clear, to focus, to see what was happening. This was happening: Cassie, some girl I just met, was congratulating me on a fight well fought, inviting me to dinner, smiling and praising, while Sid, crying, ran away, through a cold bleak London street, toward the hostel, alone.
I couldn’t let this happen. “Sid!” I caught up just as she reached the top step, hand on the hostel door. “Sid, I’m sorry about that, what I said.” She held the handle, turned away, I talked to her shoulder. “I didn’t mean it, it was just the adrenalin or . . . Jeez Sid, you’re shaking like crazy. Are you okay?”
She said, “No, I just—I don’t feel good. I need to go to bed.” She yanked the door open and stumbled inside. I followed her to the lobby and dropped her bag to the ground.
“Let me buy you some food—”
She shook her head and departed up the stairs, taking two at a time.
I followed carrying her bag up the steps and into the bunk room. She was climbing into her top bunk, pulling her blankets over her head. I whispered, “Sid, can we talk, please?”
I stepped on the bottom rung of her ladder, “Sid?”
Her muffled voice said, “I need some sleep, okay, Teddy? I just need sleep.” I watched the lump of blankets that covered Sid for a few minutes more, then I stored her bag into a locker and sat on my lower bunk.
I needed to get out my laptop and books and try to get some writing done. I was way behind. Way, way, way behind. I also needed food. But I couldn’t leave, not when the last thing was Sid shaking like that.
One Hundred Twenty-One
Teddy
More people entered the bunk room and rustled and wrangled their things trying to get quietly into their squeaky beds.
I laid there staring up at her bunk, too hyperaware to sleep, listening to the soft breathing of Sid and the shifts and snores of strangers, and the multitudes of shared breaths.
Suddenly Sid thrashed and cried out.
A shush came from another area of the room.
I climbed out of my covers—Cold!
Sid groaned.
I stepped on the bottom rung of the ladder. “Sid?”
Someone from a different bunk said, “Shhh.”
I patted on Sid’s bed, searching for her hand and grasped it.
She curled around my hand and pulled it to her wet cheek. Tears or sweat?
I whispered, “You okay?”
The room was distractingly dark. I closed my eyes.
She whispered, “Drowning.”
I leaned in close to her ear, “Your surfboard is right there. Around your ankle, pull the leash, see? There it is, your board. It’s been there all along.” Her cheek nodded against my hand. “Slide it under you—now stroke, Sid, that’s all you have to do, stroke.”
She grasped tighter, and while I waited, slowly, she fell asleep. Then I waited longer. Until finally I pulled my hand from her grip and returned to my bunk.
One Hundred Twenty-Two
Sid
I didn’t fall for Teddy in the normal way, and it was different from Gavin too, not a slam and a crash, Teddy welled up in front of me, like surfing, he was a wave that rose, beautiful and shimmering and big and powerful, the wave of the day, and I had been counting. Teddy wouldn’t have believed it, but I had been. Watching the patterns. It was familiar and almost expected, but when my feelings reached their full height, I couldn’t believe the size. It took my breath away. All I could do was drop in and ride.
One Hundred Twenty-Three
Sid
Teddy must have been waiting for me to get up, because as soon as I stepped from the ladder to the floor, he rose and followed me into the hall.
“Sid?”
Trouble was, I didn’t want Teddy to see me like this. I had taken stock when my eyes opened—there was blood on the pillow and my arm. Something crusty was caked on my cheek. I had slept under my covers all night, so my hair felt like a ratty, knotted, birds nest. I didn’t turn and made him talk to the back of my head.
“Are you okay, I mean, I know you aren’t, but Sid, I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry I provoked him. I’m sorry that you were in the middle of that. Please, can we talk?”
“It’s not that, I’m not mad, I . . .” I turned my face to his.
He flinched. “Ouch, that looks awful.”
“Yeah, I hoped to get cleaned up before you saw.”
He smirked. “Now I wish I had given you the chance.”
I jerked my head toward the bathroom. “Follow me, I’ll get cleaned up.”
“Yes, of course.” He followed me into the bathroom and leaned on the counter beside the sink. “I was thinking we should go see something today.”
He was talking, but I had trouble hearing what he said because memories flashed whenever I blinked:
Gavin shoving Teddy with his forearm on his neck.
Gavin growling.
My white knuckles gripping Teddy’s sleeve, trying to keep him from falling over the railing.
I felt incapable of anything as courageous as going outside.
I peeled the bandage off my cheek. “I don’t know . . . maybe I need to stay here . . . you should go though.”
Teddy pulled a new bandage from the box for me. “Come on, I want to go with you to Westminster Abbey. My plane ticket out of here is tomorrow evening, and I haven’t seen anything yet.”
I froze, the new clean bandage aimed for my cheekbone, looking at him through the mirror. Teddy was leaving? “Oh. Your flight is tomorrow? I guess you said that, but I didn’t realize it was so . . ..”
“I want you to go with me to Westminster Abbey. I came all this way. And you don’t have to, I would never play the guilt card, but what are you going to do, stay here all day?”
I pressed the bandage down with a wince. “That was my plan. I don’t know, I feel kind of—”
“Okay, that means I’m playing the guilt card. I came all the way here and you should go with me.”
I ran the water and leaned over to splash my face.
“You’ve got nothing else to do but buy a plane ticket home. That’s fifteen minutes tops Sid. You’ll be mad if you miss Westminster Abbey. And I’ll look stupid there by myself because I won’t know what I’m looking at.”
I patted my face with a towel. “I guess I ought to.”
Teddy grinned. “Awesome. Guilt worked.”
“Proud of that, huh?”
“If you’re out in London, having fun, then yes.” He paused for a second. “You’re okay, right Sid?”
“I’m okay. I look wrecked, but I’m okay.”
He looked relieved.
“Are you sure you want to go to Westminster Abbey? Cassie said it was boring. We could do the Harry Potter sights, you love those books.”
Teddy clutched his chest just above the heart. “What madness is this? I loved those books about seven years ago, and Westminster Abbey is—Oh my god, did you really just say you’d rather go to Harry Potter sights than Westminster Abbey? Did the doctor check you for a concussion? Westminster Abbey is full of dead poets and executed queens, I read about it in my guidebook of cool places to go to in London. It even has that—” He snapped his fingers, like he couldn’t remember her name, “Queen or something, you know, the one you used to go on and on about?”
I rolled my eyes, “Mary?”
He said, “I’m not sure that’s right, but it’ll come to me when we’re standing in front of her coffin.”
“Okay, Westminster Abbey, after breakfast.”
One Hundred Twenty-Four
Mary
I never got to go to London. I begged my cousin, Elizabeth, to allow me to visit, but she refused. Politics, upheavals, possible overthrows, she never decided if I was a threat or not. And the last thing she wanted was for me to take her crown.
You see, I remained Catholic, though England had turned Protestant, and I was heir to the British throne. Some believed I was the only legitimate Queen. So Elizabeth didn’t trust me. At all.
When I entered England and asked for Elizabeth’s help, she placed me under house arrest in a castle away to the North. For nineteen years. Eventually I was executed there and buried.
But, consider this, when Elizabeth died, the kingdom passed to my son, James, who became the king of Scotland and England—both.
And one of his acts as King was to have my coffin exhumed and brought to Westminster Abbey. Where now I lie just feet away from Elizabeth.
One Hundred Twenty-Five
Sid
I was going to Westminster Abbey. Today. I had kind of forgotten that it existed outside the hostel. That anything existed. I had been thinking about sitting on the couch in the lounge feeling sorry for myself, but here I was walking up to the most beautiful cathedral I had ever seen.
I said, “Whoa.”
From the corner of my eye I could see Teddy smile.
One Hundred Twenty-Six
Teddy
My guidebook said the best way to see Westminster Abbey was to pay extra for the headphone and cassette-tape-player tour. Sid balked because, as she said, it couldn’t be that great if the technology was from the 1990s. I Insisted and won, I also paid and handed her one.
She put hers on and asked, “Should I wait for you?”
Sid and Teddy Page 19
