“Teddy, what—”
He looked down at the table and around and directly at me. “Will you be able to get to the hostel? It’s just to Victoria Station. Remember?”
“Um, yes.”
He whipped out his wallet and threw thirty pounds on the table. “I have to go, I have papers to write. I’ll see you there, but this has to be it. The end, okay Sid, for me? No more.” And then he walked out of the door of the restaurant and away.
Teddy broke up with me.
Really broke up, not just the dating kind, but the whole life kind, the end-end kind, and I had no idea why and was so lost and confused by the whole thing that I just stared at the door. Until I realized the wait staff was applauding.
One Hundred Thirty
Sid
Dad had said Mom would visit me. That she would come sometime and talk and I would just have to be ready for when it happened.
I had believed the Oasis poster or Gavin might have been Mom talking to me, but now I knew that was obvious shit-total hogwash. There was no way in hell that mom wanted me to be with Gavin.
And wasn’t it weird that I saw signs for Gavin and had forgotten how much Mom loved Teddy.
Where had my head been? Was this the cloud of grief that Dad had been telling me about?
Mom was straightforward. She called him Our Teddy. She joked that she would ask him to move in with us if I didn’t get on with it.
Mom was too upfront to spend her afterlife sending me strange, hard to understand signals. If she wanted to tell me something she would come right out and say it.
I know that now.
But then, at the table staring at the door. I had no idea.
Until . . .
One Hundred Thirty-One
This happened
The waitress came to the table. “Dear, we are so pleased about this, good on you. Here’s the thing, you must be strong. He thinks you’ll come back to him, that you’ll come running. That’s the thing about men, they think they can beat you and that you’ll come back for more—”
“I don’t—”
“Can I sit down for just a minute?”
I nodded and she sat across from me and scooped Teddy’s food into a to-go box. “You have to be strong, prove to him you’re too strong to go back. And not just him, everybody, for all the little girls that need to be strong, be strong for them.”
I looked at the door where Teddy had just left. “He thinks I’ll go back to him after he beat me?”
“It’s what so many women do, dear. You have to be the one who doesn’t. You have to know that you deserve better.” The waitress gestured with the spoon, “Hearts can be full of pain and sadness until it seems like that’s all they’ll hold. Like they’re full to the tiptop, hard to carry without spilling all over everything in your life. You’re crying in a restaurant, the saddest girl here, but this is the truth—you deserve to be happy. Find the thing, the person, the place, that makes you happy and fill your heart with that. It’s up to you, but when you fill your heart with happiness, guess what spills over?”
I nodded. “Happiness . . . Because I deserve it.”
“So the staff and I want to pick up your bill, dear, on us.”
“Oh you don’t need to do—”
“Already done, you can pocket that arse’s loot. It’s time for you to move on.”
I pulled the money to my lap and deposited it in my bag. “Thank you, um?”
“My name’s Alicia”
“Oh, that was my mother’s name.”
“Has she been gone long?”
“About six months.”
“Well, no wonder you’re as sad as this, with your black and blue face. That’s the pain in your heart spilling over my dear. Fill it with happiness, for your mom.”
I stood and she handed me the bag of fish and chips. “For dinner tonight.”
I raced to Victoria Station. I had a hope that I would find Teddy in the station, but the streets were filling, the sky was darkening, and the thing about London was the Tube runs all the time like clockwork. I tore down the steps, shoved through the crowd, and jumped through the doors of the train. It was a crowded car. I pressed my fingers against the pole for balance and counted the minutes until my stop.
Then I ran to the hostel, hoping to reach Teddy before it was too late. My brain thinking with each step, it’s too late, is it too late? It’s too late, is it too late?
When I rushed through the front door to the lobby, my heart was racing, my breaths gasping, and I had bloomed a full blown sweat.
One Hundred Thirty-Two
Sid
In the cacophony of people and chairs it took a second to find him. He was at a corner booth, a laptop in front of him and a small stack of books.
He was concentrating, head in his hand through his hair.
He looked up at me and my heart broke. He was across the distance of the room and it might as well have been the moon. He was gone and I wanted him to return to me. I descended the two steps and crossed the lounge. He slumped onto the cushions behind him, looking down at a post-it note in his hands.
I placed the bag of food on the table and dropped to my knees beside him and grasped his hand, holding his knuckles to my chest.
“Teddy what did you mean? You can’t watch, what?”
He looked at my hands clutching his, “If you go back to him, if you stay . . .”
“If I go back to him? That’s not what this is, not at all.”
“Oh, it seemed like you would. Like he was what you wanted . . .”
I yanked my sweaty, too warm hat off my head, tossed it to the table, and wrapped my hands around his again. “No, he’s not what I want.”
“You aren’t making plans to go home, you’re choosing to stay. He’s right here. Cassie said . . .”
“What did she say?”
“She said you would go back to that guy, that you would keep going back. And that I needed distance. She was right, Sid. I’m too close. I can’t watch this anymore.”
I dropped my forehead to his hand. Wondering how to explain what I didn’t understand myself. I looked up at him. “I can’t make plans to go home, because I don’t want to leave London. I want to stay because I don’t know if I’ll ever get to return. And I came all this way and I guess I’m stuck. But not in the way you think—”
“I thought you wanted to stay with—”
“No, Teddy, this has nothing to do with Gavin. I just—I want to stay longer, and I don’t know if I get to—like it’s not okay after all I put you through . . .”
“So you plan to stay, but not with him?”
I gripped his hand tighter, holding on, I pressed it to my cheek, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t know if it’s okay for me to ask you, after all that I did, after hurting you like I did, but I want to stay here with you.”
Teddy’s brows knit together. “You want to stay here with me?”
I nodded. “I don’t know if you can even or if you would want to, because so much has happened. You had to come all the way here, and so it’s not okay for me to say what I want. But I want you.”
“Wait slow down, this isn’t—”
“I’m just so sorry, about all of that, this. When Gavin tried to hurt you I was so scared.”
“You were scared for me?”
“Yes, I was terrified.”
“I thought . . . something different. I’ve been thinking everything different.”
“I’m so sorry about that too.”
He said, “You don’t have to be sorry. I just . . .” He shook his head. Then he turned the post-it note to show me what it said in his familiar scrawl:
Tell her that you love her, one last time.
“Oh.” Tears welled up in my eyes. I kissed his fingers.
He said, “It’s okay with me if you tell me what you want.”
“You.”
“So really, you want me to stay in London with you?”
I did one of tho
se sob laughs that probably made me look bonkers. “I’ve actually been dreaming of going to Scotland. There’s some stuff there I want to see.”
Teddy nodded. “And you want me to go with you—as friends.”
I shook my head. “No, as more, but Teddy, we have to go slow. I—I don’t want to ruin anything, you know? I’m scared, because you’re so important to me and—”
“So more than friends, but slow. I can do slow, I’m patient.” He reached into the bag of food I brought, fished out a napkin, and handed it to me to wipe my nose. He reclined and offered me his hand again. I climbed up on the bench seat beside him.
“Sid, are you sure this isn’t just that I’m right here, the closest person?”
I laughed through my tears. “I ran through London to get to you.”
“You know what I mean, our moms have been putting us together since forever, this isn’t proximity based?”
“Not for me, no. You?”
“It’s not a competition, but I kind of went around the world to get to you.” He gave me a sad smile.
“Sure, but that was as a friend, not as more . . .”
“With me it’s all been the same thing, Sid, always.”
“Except for when you were seven.”
Teddy grinned. “That year I was rebelling because I was pissed that people saw how much you meant to me.”
I shook my head. “That’s bullshit.”
Teddy chuckled, “Yeah. I was young. Once it mattered, then it’s always been about you.”
I clutched his hand tighter. “So this is it, me and you? You want to?”
“Yeah, I want to.”
“Even after all this time? Even after I sent you away and got all tragic? You’ve been cleaning up after me for so long, I don’t know how you can stand it.”
“You know, this isn’t like that at all. You make it sound like you’ve been doing things to me, but in reality you disappeared. You being gone is so much more of a pain in my ass than you being here and having a crisis. I can deal with crises—I understand them. I can help. I want to, but when you aren’t around I’m a tragedy too. I want you. Every day. Messy and all.”
“But remember how in Malibu we never talked about what we were doing, I want to be different this time. Talk about it all. And maybe we could check in with each other occasionally. Like I could say, how into me and you are you, scale of one to ten and—”
“Ten.”
I smiled. “Ten thousand billion, you get extra points if you make it exaggeratedly.”
“I can’t exaggerate, it’s too important.”
I nodded. “So you’ll come with me to Scotland?”
“How long?” He glanced at his laptop.
“I was thinking ten days, then we’re home in time for Christmas with our families.”
“Yeah, Sid, I’d like that, but I think you get to call my parents to ask them to change my ticket, it will be fun to watch.”
“You think your mom will be okay with it?”
“My mom, okay with me and you? Yeah. I think it’s a safe bet.”
I opened his laptop and pressed Skype and then video-call to @MamaLAyers.
Lori appeared on the screen. “Sid!” And then, “Oh no, Sid, your beautiful face, Teddy didn’t tell me how bad it was. Oh, I’m so sorry, wait, why are you—is Teddy okay?”
Teddy leaned into the screen with a wave, “Hi, Mom.”
“Phew! That was a heart-racing moment. So why is Sid calling me while you’re off screen?”
Teddy leaned in again, “Because she has something to ask you.”
Lori smiled sweetly, “Yes Sid?”
“Can you change Teddy’s ticket to the um . . .” I opened the calendar and counted ten days, “Twenty-second?”
Lori said, “Uh, okay, why?”
“Because I asked him to go with me to Scotland.”
Lori’s eyes got big and she clamped her teeth down on her lips like she would burst. “You, Sid, asked Teddy to go with you to . . . like together, together?”
I nodded.
“Oh my god!” Teddy’s mom squealed.
I giggled and looked over at Teddy who laughed. “Told you.”
Scott’s voice came from off screen, “Is Teddy okay?”
Lori said, “Sid asked Teddy to go with her to Scotland! I’m freaking so excited!”
He said, “Quiet down, you’ll blow it.” Scott sat down beside Lori and they shifted the laptop so they both fit on the screen.
She clamped her teeth over her lips again. “I’m trying, I’m just so—tell Teddy we’ll add money to his account.”
“I have money, from Mom, that I want to use for this part of the trip. I think she would have liked that I spent it on me and Teddy going to Scotland.”
“Alicia would have been over the moon at this news.”
Scott grinned widely. “So you’ll be coming with us to Indo in the Spring?”
Teddy leaned in. “Dad, we’re taking it slow, keeping it cool.”
Scott said, “This is Sid were talking about? I’ve been around her since she was a baby, and she never takes anything slow, but okay, I won’t book her ticket, yet.” He smiled and left the screen, joking with Lori, “Play it cool, don’t scare her off.”
Lori said, “I guess you get that we’re happy about this and just, no pressure, have fun. We love you, both of you, be safe and . . .” She wiped the corner of her eye.
I said, “We’ll talk to you when we get to Edinburgh.”
She blew us a kiss and then she was gone.
Teddy said, “No pressure, huh?”
I smiled.
He said, “How into me are you now, scale of one to . . .”
I said, “Ten.”
One Hundred Thirty-Three
Sid Skyped her dad
“Hi, I can’t get used to seeing you like that.”
“You don’t have to, it’s feeling better and better and will heal in no time.”
“True. I miss you.”
“I miss you too, Dad.”
“So when do you want me to book your home flight—tomorrow? Lori says Teddy is on the evening flight, I think it was—”
“I think Mom visited me today.”
“Oh, what happened?”
“I was in a restaurant with Teddy and he left. He was upset and it sucked and this waitress came over and told me a long thing about how I needed to fill my heart with happiness and love. Her name was Alicia.”
“That sounds like your mom, did it feel important?”
“It felt so important, and I felt—I don’t know how to describe it—warm. And excited. And when it was over my adrenaline was pumping and I was so clear and . . .”
“That’s so great, I’m so glad for you.” Dad wiped both of his eyes.
“I asked Teddy to go with me to Scotland, until the twenty-second. Is that okay with you?”
“Definitely. Well, well, this is important news, big news, right?”
“Yeah, it’s big. I’m really happy about it. He’s here too in case you say something, I don’t know, negative.” I turned the laptop and Teddy waved at the screen.
“Hi Teddy, and I have nothing negative, but you’re doing this for you, right? Not because the Moms wanted it so badly?”
“I’m doing it for me, not for the moms. Though it doesn’t hurt that it would make Mom happy.”
“It makes me happy too. I love you. Call me in a couple of days.”
“I love you too Dad.”
One Hundred Thirty-Four
Teddy
Sid hung up the phone and I held her hand and we sat quietly in that moment after a Big Thing happened. Calming down. Thinking it over. Smiling. She asked, “Can I have the Post-it note?”
I gave it to her and she pressed it to her journal’s inside cover. Then she asked, “Maybe you can explain this laptop and stack of books? You have papers to write?”
“Apparently I tried to fail my first semester of school, but then around Thanksgiving I
decided that wasn’t the best idea I ever had. I spent the last weeks cramming for finals and now writing papers. I have two due,” I glanced at my phone, “tomorrow night.”
“Which classes?”
“English and Marine Biology. If the second one isn’t a passing grade, then I don’t advance to the next level and might as well drop out of school.” I ran my hand through my hair and sat up straighter in my seat.
“So this is serious? And you’ve been dealing with my bullshit for days?”
“This is serious.”
“Tell me what you have so far?”
“First draft of the English paper, three-quarters of the first draft of the Biology paper.”
She jumped up, “Okay, Dropbox me the English paper. I’ll edit it while you finish the biology paper. I’m going for my iPad.” She ran out of the room and returned a few minutes later and curled up at the end of the bench seat leaned against pillows with her toes tucked under my thigh.
When I wasn’t busy writing I put my hand on top of her foot. I was holding her foot again, but had advanced to holding her hand too, if it was available. I marveled that here we were in the land of casual touches, occasional brushes, when an hour before I had been sitting here broken to pieces.
Finally we were too exhausted to write anymore. Sid had finished my English paper for me, I just needed to give it another read-through. My Marine Biology paper was ready to be edited. We would do it tomorrow, then upload the papers to the professors, and then buy our train tickets to Scotland. We had a plan, a responsible, slow, taking it easy plan.
Sid and Teddy Page 21
