“When a man has been married as long as I was, he knows to look for the signs. An’ Missy ain’t done tryin’ to defeat her past.”
“I can’t kill him.”
“Who said anything about killin’? Find some other way. And gettin’ into bar brawls ain’t the way.” He thunked his cane again when Gabriel flushed. “Show that woman of yours that you’ll protect her, even from sly insinnuendos. Townsfolk ain’t always as nice as we’d like.”
Gabriel shook his head as he watched Mr. Pickens. He held up his hand to stop A.J.’s onslaught of advice. “Insinu—insinuation? Innuendo? Which did you mean?”
“Both, I guess. Seemed a good sort of word. Now, pay attention, young’un. You gotta let Missy know yer still happy to be married to her. Only a damn fool storms away from a pretty woman on his anniversary.” He thumped his cane down. “Thought this generation had more sense.”
Gabriel bit back a startled laugh and shook his head. “I need to reconsider if you really are a good influence on my wife.”
“Nothin’ to consider. I’m the only one out of the three of us showin’ any sense.”
“Old man, this is advice that would be better shared with Clarissa.”
“Never forget fear makes us irascible, young’un.”
“Irascible or irrational?” Gabriel asked.
“Both,” Mr. Pickens said. “Yer near as good as my missy at figurin’ out my words.” His almost toothless smile faded as he watched Gabriel. “I already gave Missy my advice on men. Now listen up, Sonny. Here’s mine for you.” He glared at Gabriel, although a hint of male kinship lit his eyes. “Don’t let Missy think yer disappointed in her.”
“How could she imagine that? She knows I don’t care that her cooking is edible at best. Or that she is not great at sewing.” Gabriel leaned forward to hear any wisdom Mr. Pickens could impart.
“There’s nothing worse than wanting a child and then not having one. The want eats away at the soul,” Mr. Pickens said, a haunted look crossing his face. “My Bessie did no end of trying to shield me from her grief when she failed to …” He waved his cane around. “And I was almost too much a fool.” He clamped his jaw shut as he shook his head, as though pushing away the memories. “Don’t be like me, Sonny.”
***
I WALKED DOWN MAIN STREET past Gabriel’s shop, and continued on past saloons and other businesses toward the small first-floor rooms Ronan rented. It was within the same block as the workshop so he could travel easily from his home to work daily. A warm breeze ruffled my skirts on this early August day, nearly two weeks after my anniversary.
“Mr. O’Bara?” I knocked again on his door. I leaned toward the door, straining to hear the sounds of his chair rolling toward it. I heard a scraping noise inside, and, after a few moments, the door opened.
“Mrs. McLeod,” Ronan said with a half smile.
“I was told Colin was here,” I said. I peered over his head into the interior of his room.
“He’s going to come by, but he hasn’t yet. Why don’t you come in and wait for him with me? We’re to have a grand cribbage match tonight.”
“Cribbage. Yes, I’ll wait.”
He rolled his chair out of the way, and I stepped around him. The door clicked shut behind me. Faint light entered through a window to the side of the door. A single bed, set at the height of his wheelchair, was along the back wall. A small table with a lamp, a bookshelf and a few chairs made up the rest of the furniture, the wooden walls bare of any decoration.
“Do you play, Clarissa?”
I smiled at his use of my given name. He always remained proper, using my last name in public. However, in private, he used my first name.
“No, but it reminds me of the matches Col used to have with my da.”
“You miss him still,” Ronan said. He rolled to the low table and shuffled cards.
“Yes. I’ll always miss my da. And my family in Boston. It’s hard to realize I’ll never see them again.”
“You’ve been here a year now. Do you regret coming to Montana?”
“Of course not. Why would you ask?”
“Well, forgive me for speaking so plainly with you, but it’s obvious things aren’t going well between you and Gabe. I thought part of the reason was your desire to be elsewhere.” He shuffled the deck of cards, while at the same time watching me with worried brown eyes.
“First it’s another man, now my desire to be elsewhere,” I muttered.
“What other man?” Ronan asked with a raised eyebrow and amusement glinting in his eyes. “Any fool could tell you don’t have another man.”
“Tell that to Gabriel.”
“Well, any fool but a confused, wounded husband.” He gave me a pointed stare.
“I can’t talk with you about it, Ronan. I’m hoping it will resolve on its own.”
“Seems to me, you’ve been hoping that for months. And the longer you hope and the longer it continues, the more miserable the two of you become.”
“Gabriel deserves a wife who—”
“Stop that rubbish right now. I thought we’d discussed this last summer. Gabriel deserves you. He’s chosen you. Whatever you can and cannot do in the domestic front doesn’t matter. Whatever indiscretion you imagine you’ve done, tell him. If he finds out some other way, he may not forgive you. Because whatever you think you cannot tell him, if he learns it from you, you’ll both be able to move past it.
“Have you ever stopped to consider what you deserve, Clarissa?”
At his gentle question, my eyes filled with tears, and I blinked them furiously.
“Have you ever once thought about what you need from Gabriel? Or have you been so consumed with fear about how he’ll react that you haven’t allowed yourself to reveal what you need and want?”
“Ronan …”
“I’ve never been married. But after watching Liam and Amelia, and watching you and Gabe the first months, I thought I had an idea of what I wanted if I were to marry. I would desire a marriage where you could depend on the other person. And, from where I’m sitting, the way you’re acting says you don’t have faith in Gabriel. Imagine how that makes him feel.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Maybe not, but then none of us have any idea what demon you’re fighting. Not this time.” He paused. “If it’s more to do with that lecher from Boston, you know there are many who’d help with him.”
“Oh, Ronan, if only it were that simple,” I whispered.
“Whether it’s simple or not, talk to Gabe, Clarissa.”
I nodded at his gentle urging and turned to leave. “Will you tell Colin that I was here and that I’ll try to speak with him tomorrow?” Ronan nodded, and I left for home, determined to overcome my fears and speak with Gabriel.
CHAPTER 13
“GABRIEL, WE NEED TO TALK.” I paced the small area between the dining room table and the chairs in the living room. Gabriel was hunched over the small desk in front of the middle window, working on the books for his business. He stilled, and I saw him close his eyes before forcing himself to relax and set down his pencil.
I moved toward him, pulling his comfortable chair around to face him. I reached forward, grabbed his arm and had him turn toward me. “Gabriel, I have to talk with you. I can’t …”
His eyes remained closed, and a deep sigh escaped him. “I know we need to talk, Clarissa. I’ve told myself that we must resolve this. Are you ready to tell me what’s been bothering you?”
I blinked away tears. “Yes.”
“There’s no good way to tell a man you don’t love him anymore.”
The agony in his voice tore at me, but I firmed my jaw to prevent any tears from falling.
I gripped his face, turning it toward mine. I stroked his ebony hair, brushing a strand off his forehead to the side. “Good. Because that’s not what I have to tell you. And I hope you remember the same goes for women.”
He gifted me with a lopsided grin and turned to face me fully, a sub
tle nod my only indication to continue speaking.
“Gabriel, I’m so afraid of you hating me,” I whispered.
“The only way I’ll come to hate you is if you continue to act like you are.”
I cringed. “I, ah …”
After many moments of silence, he whispered, “Why are you afraid to talk with me? Why don’t you want me to touch you?” The anguish in his voice ripped at my heart. “I know this isn’t the life you envisioned. I’m trying to become as successful as I can, to provide for you as you deserve. Can’t you see that?”
“Gabriel,” I choked out as I fought tears. “Forgive me.” I leaned forward and placed my forehead against his for a moment before leaning away again.
“Is it because you’re not yet with child? Don’t you know that doesn’t matter to me? All I want is you.” Gabriel traced the track made by one of my tears.
“It’s all my fault, Gabriel. It’s all my fault, and I can’t stand for you to feel trapped here with me.” I tried to rise, but he now had a firm grip on my arms and wouldn’t allow me to move. “I thought if I could give you a perfect home, you’d forgive my failings, but I was never meant to be a housewife! I can’t do anything a husband expects.” My voice broke.
“What are you talking about? No one’s to blame if we don’t have a child. And I’ve never cared about a perfect home. I’ve only ever wanted a home with you.”
“Oh, Gabriel. You don’t understand. It is! It’s all my fault.”
“What?” Gabriel released my arms, and I rose to pace away. He stood, leaning against the desk, his eyes trailing my jerky movements. “What are you talking about, Clarissa?”
“I don’t deserve you!” I sobbed as I raised a hand to my face, attempting to hide from him. “If you knew what I’d done, you’d hate me.”
I dared to meet his face. He watched me with shuttered eyes, all emotion carefully hidden. “Tell me, Clarissa.”
“After Cameron’s … after Cameron’s attack,” I paused as I fought the memories from the spring a year and a half ago when I had lived in Boston, and Gabriel had already moved to Montana. I shivered as I recalled my helplessness and pain. Images of a sun-drenched sitting room, Cameron’s victorious smile as he loomed over me and blood-stained fabric cascaded through my mind. I opened my eyes to meet Gabriel’s gaze, forcing myself to face his condemnation. “I feared I would become pregnant with his child.” He jerked as though I had slapped him. “I didn’t know what to do. I had no one to guide me. I was so ashamed. And the thought of having Cameron’s … of being forced to marry him because of that, I couldn’t, Gabriel. I just couldn’t.”
Gabriel gripped the edge of the desk until his knuckles turned white and nodded once.
Tears flowed unchecked down my cheeks. I moved toward him, my arms wrapped around my waist. “About a week after … after, I visited Sophronia. She somehow understood what had happened to me. Gave me the option of what to do to prevent being bound to Cameron. She gave me a tea to brew.” I took a shuddering breath, pausing for a moment.
“I’ve always liked my tea strong,” I whispered. “I fear I made this too strong.”
“What are you saying, Clarissa?”
“I’ve spoken to the doctor here. The capable one who helped save baby Anne. He’s concerned that the heavy bleeding I had after I took the tea might have affected my ability to have a child.” I choked out the words, paling as I saw Gabriel’s jaw tighten. “I wanted to be sure, so I’ve visited colleagues of his, who have confirmed his concern. It’s why I’ve been seen visiting so many doctors.”
“Christ,” Gabriel said, as he pushed away from the desk and stepped around me. He faced away, toward the kitchen for a few moments before spinning toward me. “That’s why you’ve been seen in areas you don’t generally visit? Because you’ve been consulting with this doctor and his cronies?” At my nod, he asked, “Are you telling me you were pregnant with Cameron’s child?”
“No! I don’t know if I was. I was terrified of becoming pregnant,” I whispered. “I didn’t know what else to do. I only had Sophie to help me, and she’d had to badger an old doctor friend of her husband’s into helping at all. I just wanted to come to you.”
“So you acted in such a way to ensure you would remain free of Cameron?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
He met my gaze with one filled with anger. “Why didn’t you think this was something to share with me before our wedding?”
“I could barely believe you really wanted me after … after Cameron’s attack. I knew you would despise me if you learned what I’d done willingly.”
He shook his head as he studied me. “How can I despise you for showing more courage than anyone else I know? Do you know you could have died?”
“I do now.” I took a deep, shuddering breath. “Are you saying you aren’t angry with me, Gabriel?”
“No, I am furious with you,” he roared as he turned away, pacing the kitchen’s length. If he were in the workshop, I knew he would have thrown a piece of wood against the wall to release his anger. He reached up and massaged the nape of his neck. After a moment he turned fiery eyes to me. “How could you, Clarissa? How?”
“I had to, Gabriel. I had to have my freedom and come to you.”
“No, dammit. I’m not talking about your excess of courage, allowing you to do what most women would never have had the ability to do. How could you doubt my love for you?”
The soul-deep pain I saw in his expression shattered me.
“Gabriel, I—”
“I love you, Clarissa. All of you. I hate that you suffered more than I could ever have imagined to come here to me. I hate even more that you continue to doubt yourself worthy of my love. I hope someday you’ll believe that I am not a fool to love you.”
“Gabriel, I …” My voice broke, and I shook my head. Tears fell unheeded as I watched him studying me. After a few moments, he sighed, and his anger seemed to evaporate.
He gazed at me with a yearning tenderness, a look I hadn’t seen in far too long. He approached me carefully, like he had last year when I had first arrived from Boston. When I didn’t flinch as he raised his hands to cup my face with his strong, callused palms, a relieved smile flickered over his lips before he sobered.
“Forgive me, Clarissa,” he said in a voice thickened with emotion. “I should have exalted in your ability to fight and demand the life you wanted. Instead, I acted like a wounded idiot, thinking only of myself.”
“That’s not true,” I whispered. “I love you, Gabriel. I don’t believe you’re a fool for loving me. I’ve always feared that, one day, you’d feel a fool for having loved me.”
“Never, my love. Never,” he vowed, as he leaned forward to kiss me.
Against my will, I sobbed, with no ability to stop. Gabriel clasped me to him, rubbing his strong hands soothingly over my scalp and back.
“I want a child desperately,” I sobbed into his chest.
He pushed me away with a gentle insistence until I met his gaze. I continued to stutter in gulping breaths while his fingers chased away my tears.
“You must forgive yourself, my love. Imagine your life if you hadn’t taken the tea. If you had married Cameron.”
I blanched and shook my head in denial.
“I hope you find pride in your strength, as I have. I will always dream of us having a child. But seeing as, being here, now, with you in my arms, has been my greatest desire for months …” He smiled, flashing his dimple.
I collapsed against his chest, my tears abating. “I feared you wouldn’t want me anymore when you found out what I had done,” I whispered against his neck.
“You thought I wouldn’t desire you?”
His chest rumbled as he grunted out a laugh, and I heard the incredulousness in his voice.
“A day hasn’t passed since you got that foolish notion in your head that I haven’t wanted you,” Gabriel whispered in my ear.
He turned his head and began to nibble along my n
eck. I giggled as his whiskers tickled, and he stopped abruptly, his brow furrowed, but deep contentment shone from his blue eyes.
“I’ve missed your laugh,” he said huskily before he leaned forward to kiss me.
Soon our hands were grasping at buttons, hems and ties in our agitation to free ourselves from our clothing. I heard Gabriel swear softly as he tripped when stepping out of his pants and giggled again. My breath caught as he winked at me, his face lit with an all-consuming happiness.
I backed toward our bed, and he followed. For some reason, I was suddenly shy and dove under the covers, lying on my side.
“Rissa?” Gabriel asked. His fingertips traced down my back, barely touching. I arched backward, hoping for more of his caress. I felt his weight settle on the bed behind me and then a soft kiss to my nape. “Darling, talk to me.”
I rolled over so that I lay on my back, and he leaned over me, his weight resting on an elbow. He caressed the hair at my brow line, as though to soothe me.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry for all the time we lost because I didn’t speak with you sooner. Because I wasn’t brave enough to share my fears.” I raised my hand, tracing his eyebrows, cheek and lips. “Watching you, just now, devastated me. I had always blamed circumstances or those such as my stepmother for separating us. But this was my doing. Please forgive me.”
“There is nothing to forgive, my beloved darling.” He shifted his position slightly, leaning over me so that the weight of his hips and legs bore me into the soft mattress. I lay on my back, looking up at his serious face.
“I will never regret our life together. I will give thanks, every day, that you are my wife.” He leaned forward, and kissed first one eyelid and then the next. His thumbs swiped away my tears. “I have nothing to forgive, only a plentitude to be thankful for.”
“I hate that the specter of Cameron remains between us.” I was unable to mask my bitterness.
“He is not between us, darling. He has not separated us, nor will he ever be able to. He hurt you terribly, more than I ever realized. You have always been so strong, Clarissa.” He leaned forward and kissed my nose. “Let me be strong for you. Share your fears as well as your dreams with me. I would carry any burden you give me, so long as we are together.”
Undaunted Love (PART ONE): Banished Saga, Book 3 Page 9
