Copyright © October 2014 Karina Almeroth
ISBN: 9781311356765
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.
License Notice
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be resold. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Disclaimer
This is a work of adult (snort) fiction. The author does not endorse or condone any of the behavior enclosed within (unless she is the one behaving that way).
Cover Design and Formatting: Rebel Edit & Design. Best job ever done by Margreet!!
Edited by: My damn self in the end. Can’t see all the haters, I have my pink glasses on
Beta Readers and help with editing: Rebecca Moller-
Nielsen & Ann Cunningham Daniels
To Matt Johnson - Thanks for being the romantic hero all those years ago. Thank you for the inspiration. Shampoo was never supposed to even feature you so heavily, but when I read back through all my diaries, you were dominant, and still in my heart. It sparked the idea for this final version of Shampoo. And thanks for having the balls to go, “No, I don’t need my name changed. Use my real name.” I love that this book has immortalized that great love affair you gave me all those years ago, with us, and our real names, actually in it. For some reason, that was important to me, to see our names on the page. It was so long ago, and but a moment in time…yet I captured it. I hope I did it justice.
But of course, I made it all up.
So not gonna thank Lashford (wink)
To Holden – go on, continue breaking all us diehard Commodore fans’ hearts!!! Stop the Australian production of them. Close the factory in Elizabeth. Stop a culture that’s been passed down generation to generation, and will continue to be, despite the Holden Commodore dream ending in Australia. Holden, we love the Commodore. We love the Aussie icon being here, on our shores, in our culture. This is Australia. Do all you can to keep production in Australia! Do all you can to keep Holden Commodores being made and loved and obsessed about in Australia!! Stop breaking our hearts. We know you tried…but try harder.
Long live the Holden Commodore.
Hope this book helps in some way to keep Holden and Holden Commodores on our shores.
And piss on Ford.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
This is a fictionalized memoir. Meaning I took real people, real events, and put things in that may have happened in a different time frame than as set out in the book, I romanticized scenes, I made shit up (I have to say that), I turned my life into a damn novel. I hope I changed enough that none of you sue me.
But please know, you sue me, you won’t be in the sequel. Or you will, but possibly with a very small penis and a terrible car.
Thank you all for being so damn lovable, quirky, interesting people that I fell in love with you all and went home and wrote in my diary madly about you all. I love you all so much. I carry you all around in my heart each day. I’ve immortalized you forever.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:
Thank you to everyone who has always supported me, for many years: my ex husband, Aaron Wells, who, despite us no longer being married, has been by my side for 11 years, as my best friend and support when I need it. And a HUGE pain in my ass at times, too. I divorced you to spend less time with you, not more. Maybe I can finally shake you off now I’ll be famous.
My girls, Cherry Champagne and Ruby Kaitlyn…what can I say without bawling? I love you girls more than I can bear. I’ve decided not to parent you (as you probably already know), but to treat you both as my partners in crime and my companions in life. I am so lucky to be given two girls to journey through life with. You are the loves of my life. I can only wish like crazy that you still see me tomorrow how you see me today. You build me up.
My sister, Nat Mann, for putting up with me, and being my first best friend. Nobody can ever replace a sister as one’s first love and BFF. Was tough on me when we finally grew up (why did we have to?), and started leading separate lives after 23 years of never being without each other. I love you!
Shona Stromer, for being that ONE person for me that has never wavered in her love and support for me, not once. Never. She would never even hear of it. I’ve been in the gutter (many times), half buried, I was done…and all you saw was a superstar. It’s like you’re blind to my flaws. All you see is good. You see ME – you see who I really am. Which says more about your character than mine. I think you’re my biggest fan, and the only one that really finds me funny and gets me. When we come together, there are explosions of fun and laughter and love and light and brilliance. I love you more than you know, and can’t tell you how your constant unwavering support and love for me has got me through many a dark night and dark time. I will never forget your love for me, and how you’re the one that openly cries for me. Not for yourself, not for any other reason, you just sob for me, and for what I was going through. You really love me. It still amazes me. And you just make me laugh SO HARD. You’re the funniest person I know. Wooli rocks, man. Wooli rocks (God, we said that forever. To everything. About everything. Fuck we’re funny).
Katrina Paskevicius, for being my first grown up best friend, and showing me how to put on lipstick and get boys. You’re still standing with me after almost 20 years of friendship – and despite all I do! Thank you for all your advice, your serenity, and for all those amazing dinners you’ve cooked me over the years, my glass you’ve constantly filled, the classiness you’ve endlessly showed. You’re an original vintage. You were born in the wrong time – you’re a timeless piece from a more romantic age. Years and years of friendship we’ve had, and I truly miss the years where we were each other’s whole world, and were together every day. Sorry about that time I threw your exquisite chicken dinner, and fine china plate all over that ass. I know you couldn’t get the chicken splatters off the ceiling for YONKS. And sorry about that cream incident, and…never mind. I’m just sorry. But it’s me you’ll remember in your dying days, when you’re 95. My best memories involve you. I love you and think of you every day. I love that we still talk each day. We have laughed for years together…I will always treasure that. I still can’t spell your surname.
That Ass (Andrew Cater), for being a girl’s Male Best Friend (MBF) for so many years. So many years. But then you left to spend your midlife crisis over in Korea, and I miss you every damn day. Life is just more fun with you in it each day. And sorry about the plate in the face you copped that time (really, I’m not. That shit was funny!!).
My dad, for seeing in me a writer from like age 7, and for constantly supporting me with my writing and love affair with books. You knew I could do this, even when I didn’t. Sorry you got stuck with a daughter like me. But apparently we choose our children. So you asked for it.
Ann Cunningham Daniels and Rebecca Moller-Nielsen, for being my first ‘real’ readers of my work, and for all the constant encouragement and support and love. I seriously was on the floor, bawling, feeling like I’d won an Oscar, cured cancer and saved the world, just from you ladies loving my book. It was the best feeling ever. I love you guys! I can’t wait to spend more time with you both, and develop our friendship. The starting base is spectacular with you ladies.
For everyone in my daily Facebook life (and real life) that use Facebook to support me constantly and openly: Sean Cridland especially (and your twin, Ben…I know you support me from afar, Ben Cridland!!), Rae-Anne and Jeremy Bramich (my first loves, both of you, and my Tassie family), Rachel Knott, Tony Norlander (for ALWAYS seeing a superstar in
me, and constantly wishing great things upon me), Cynthia Jones (a soul sister already, and kindred spirit, and we’ve never even met!), Fai Wong (a girl’s first school friend!!), Sue Ross, Cass Crash (you endlessly inspire me, Lady!), Rebecca Cuppari, Corie Foster, Andrea Hughes, God, too many and I’m sure I’ve left somebody important out. I love you all in ways you don’t even know!! Thanks for getting me through the bad days.
For everyone in Shampoo, I love you all. Never forget that. Anyone who didn’t make Shampoo, that was purely for novelization’s sake, for cutting’s sake, for story’s sake. I had no more room. Benny, Lachie, Melinda, Sherrie, Angie (Missy Moo), Karen Beal (Kazza!!), Joy (ESPECIALLY Joy – you’re my idol, and mentor, I love who you are), Renee (you will go down in history as the funniest and best office manager ever!), Pheebs, Melissa, Nathan, Sherrie, Katie, Sara, Faye and Gordon, Little Jonny, the list goes on…The bosses, Daryl and John, and Karen and Colleen…Gerry. I love you guys, and I laugh my ass off at all the memories with you all.
To all the ‘shampoo’ reps…I was in love with you all and in awe of you all. You were a 20 year old’s first love of ‘adults’ (not that any of you were really Adults! More like really big kids that liked to drink a lot and dress up). I aspired to be you. To keep that sense of fun into my 30’s and 40’s and 50’s and FUCK!! Some of you were REALLY OLD. You showed me growing up could be so damn fun. That there was still so much more for me ahead. You showed me confidence and sexiness and fun and that you can be a well-rounded, successful individual and still be childlike and fun. The lessons you all taught me, by living your lives before me, just by my being in your surroundings, and you taking me under your wing, I will treasure forever. You taught by example. You were such great characters and people to me. Daryl and Sue Agnew (Dag, you were my reason to go to work!! Love you so much, and Sue), Julie Hoskins (my idol, I love you so much too!!), Ange Jones (ditto!), Robbie Jnr, Jenny, Dana, Learne, Rob and Judi, Georgie (George to me), Cathy and Sonny, Solvejg and Rob Snr, oh so many, I could list you all, and know you all, and carry you all around in my heart with me. You guys rocked my world and showed me how to have fun. You made work easy and a joy. Except for when you rang through 40 orders at 4.58pm.
Ben Wilson (Benny), almost the romantic hero?? Still time, still time! I’ll just make this shit up for the sequel! All of my best memories at work involve you, Benny. You were the one to pick me up off the floor 500 times. Let’s make it 500 more times!!! I love and miss our friendship.
Everyone at ‘Sin’ rocked my world. It was such fun, wasn’t it??
To Judi Seeley…you said something once to me on Facebook, and it really struck home. It meant the world to me. You said that I am a perfect mix of tragedy and comedy, and BOY, I felt that in the heart, in the most beautiful way. You seemed to see who I really am, and I went into writing Shampoo, after reading my diaries, thinking you summed it up perfectly. This is who I am – a tragic comedy. I hope Shampoo has achieved that. Thank you, Judi. I love you and Rob.
I’d like to thank My Issues. I carry them around daily, like Christmas chains, “I wear the chains I forged in life,” a constant burden, affecting all I do and say and feel. I work hard on these issues. I try to overcome them. Without them though, there would be no Shampoo. There would be no me. Some of the greatest artists of this world are only great BECAUSE of their fragility, their deep pain, their suffering. Without pain, without emotions, there is no art. Thank you, Crippling Issues. You’ve made me who I am today. Now please help me write another book. Please help me be one of the greats. You may as well be useful while you’re hanging around.
For all the fragile bunnies out there: this is not it. Life is still about to bring you joy and everything you ever wanted. Don’t give up. In your darkest hour, please know there are people who love you and need you, and that THIS IS NOT IT. Life has not even BEGUN to show you her joys and magic. This book is for you. I hope it brings you strength and laughter. I hope it brings you comfort, that someone else has been on the floor, writhing in pain, before you. And there will be others after you. We are all in this together. And buy a Holden Commodore and have a love affair with a car. It helps!!
And finally, to Rich Figgins. Where to start. This isn’t our story, yet you’re in it. You were a part of my life for 20 years…you’re on almost every page of my diaries, for decades. I loved you with all my heart. Or maybe I didn’t, I was scared, and that was the problem. I’d give anything to have another chance, to love you how I am today, and not who I was yesterday. Maybe you would still be here then. Or maybe it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. What I do know is that you are gone too soon. You will always be missed. One day I might have the guts to write our story. The tragedy is, you’ll never get to read it.
And that is unbearable to me.
Shampoo will have to do. For now.
Prologue
IN THE BEGINNING
“Matt, how would you describe Karina, using one word beginning with…B.”
He didn’t even hesitate. Those intense blue eyes of his met mine as we faced each other, and he said, “Brave.”
We were handcuffed to each other.
That was the beginning.
My return to Sin after back surgery (after falling down the freshly waxed stairs at work), my return to life again, after six months of isolation and being stuck in my tiny apartment.
And after the world’s worst birthday ever.
And that was the beginning of my heart giving off a little bleep once again, just at Matt’s words and the way he looked at me (the way we were attached to each other for hours), in our team building session.
That was the beginning.
The ending? That’s a different story altogether.
Chapter 1
BACK IN THE (JAILBIRD) GAME
Sunday 14 May 2000
2.52pm
Diary, I had the best fucking time last night!
Dad drove me, Nat and Dan into the city last night, telling his daughters and his daughter’s boyfriend to, “Be careful, and don’t wake me up when you stumble home, pissed!”
“Yes, Daddy dearest,” we laughed, slamming the car door behind us. We walked into Mary St, me high on life and FINALLY going out again, after so long at home, in my tiny unit, broken. (inside and out)
I could feel it in the air. Something magical. Something fun.
We sat around upstairs drinking $2 pink daiquiris (bargain!!), before Everard, Mark, Josie, Tom, Ben, Hoffy and Gibbo arrived. Evvy (apparently Everard is called Evvy or Ever by all – it’s his last name) went straight to the bar, and bought me another strawberry daiquiri, and brought it over to me.
Dan had informed me that after his twenty-first, Evvy was keen on me, and wanted to ask me on a date. (Sweet!!)
I think he was considering this group night out our first date. He kept talking to me, and sticking by me, and buying me drinks, and just generally being sweet.
Was just a bit of fun, really, something exciting for the night. Plus he IS really hot. He looks just like Mark from Blink 182.
So hot!!
As the night wore on, and we were all dancing and generally mucking around, Evvy, Tom and Hoffy wanted us girls to go to Fridays; meanwhile, Dan, Michael and Gibbo had been missing for ages, we had no idea where they’d gone.
So Nat and I were like no, we don’t want to go (we also only had like $12 between us, and Fridays has a cover charge of $8), so the boys ended up grabbing us and dragging us out of Mary St (onto Mary Street), and Nat and I thought we’d be funny, and escaped them, squealing and laughing and running in our heels, and ducked into The Victory to try to hide from them.
We were upstairs, dancing, when I saw Evvy stalk past the open doorway, do a double take, and duck in and stride towards us. He was already pointing at us and going, “You. You’re coming with us!” Tom followed him, grabbing Nat, and Evvy grabbed me.
Evvy was acting all manly and stern, pretending he was like some law enforcer or something. He was all, �
��Right. Come with me now, woman, keep going, no, keep going,” while his arms were around me and IT WAS SERIOUSLY HOT!!!
He has this fun air about him. I love it. He cracks me up. (Already. After like one night)
Nat and I couldn’t stop laughing at them dragging us out. Nat kept laughing, then screaming, “Fuck off, Tom, YOU BIG KNOB!!” and “DON’T TOUCH ME THERE, YOU FREAK,” but she was seriously cacking it.
We were both doubled over laughing while the boys dragged us down towards City Rowers and Fridays. So they marched us to the lights, and to the left is Fridays, the right, City Rowers. So when the boys (having just let us go) went left, Nat and I were like, “Quick! Quick!” to each other, and started running to the right, still finding this incredibly funny (it seriously was HYSTERICAL), and the boys started yelling after us, “Where are you two GOING??”
Shampoo Page 1
