2.22pm
Saw my doc again, and she’s given me even more medication to try to kill this
(if that’s even possible!!),
and we worked out I’m taking till the 14th August off. And that is it!!
Sigh.
I better recover in that time, cause I can’t take much more of this!!
5.22pm
Nat just visited me. She had the Cleo photo shoot today!!! From the photo I sneakily sent in of her from my photography course photo I took. Anyway, she won the modeling competition!! Thanks to me!!!
(and her insane good looks, I suppose)
She looked so good in all the stills she showed me. I’m so proud of her!!!
Nat was talking about Tom’s upcoming party while she was here, and I felt so crushed I’m not invited. All of them mean so much to me already. I SO wanted them as my friends.
I wanted them to want ME.
I wanted Evvy. I hate not speaking to him or seeing him.
So bored. Want to be out partying. Nat said she’s going to get blotto at Tom’s party, and I SO WANTED to get blotto with her! It’s so fun getting drunk with my sister!!
But once again, I’m not invited to the cool stuff.
Men suck.
Worse, Tom probably DID invite me, but Ever would’ve said he doesn’t want me there.
You know what??? Fuck Ever. And his stupid fucking ways.
12.50am
This is AWFUL. Feel like I’m actually dying. Not just moaning I’m dying, but ACTUALLY dying…think I see the light. I’m heading towards it…
No, I just left the tv on.
Thursday 3 August 2000
6.32pm
Been a week since Evvy rang. I seem to get sicker, and sadder, each day.
Nat just visited me. I’m pretty lonely at the moment.
Was too sick last night to write that Beth came over, and brought me fried rice
(that was DELICIOUS. Best thing I’ve ever eaten in my life…perhaps cause I just lay about, starving, hoping that imaginary partner will feed me)
and a whole STACK of brand new magazines.
(God I love her so much!!! Been too sick, and broke, to even buy my beloved weekly magazines)
Beth and I talked about Evvy (and her eternal hate for him), and she’s like, “Obviously he doesn’t want a relationship with you!!”
(God she’s brutal. Lucky she brought me all the expensive monthly mags like Cosmo, Cleo, Women’s Weekly…)
After her comments, I know to just stop talking about Ever.
But then I realized I have absolutely nothing else to talk about.
I’m starting to lose hope with Ever…I feel like maybe Beth is right, that I really should move on.
I’ve got nowhere to move on to, though. Except the other side of my bed.
Friday 4 August 2000
8.15pm
Still sick. This is just not fun anymore!!!!
I want to be well SO BADLY.
The Ekka was just on tv, and I burst into tears at the sight of it. I look forward to the Ekka ALL YEAR LONG, and now I won’t be able to go. This will be the first time in 10 years I haven’t gone.
I even went with glandular fever once.
(and did what all of Brisbane does at Ekka – go really, really sick and spread germs to a million people and bring down the whole city)
I wonder what Ever’s up to…
11.16pm
WHY WON’T HE RING???
Saturday 5 August 2000
6.18pm
My cough’s settled a bit. THANK THE LORD. I still feel like shit though.
Nat visited me this morning, then drove me back to Dad’s so I could do some washing. Dad was there, plodding around. He said, “How’s my Sicky?” and gave me a big hug.
I love my daddy.
(when he’s talking to me)
Then I’ve come home and collapsed, Nat driving off to get ready for Tom’s party that I’m NOT going to.
Sunday 6 August 2000
11.49am
I am going to cry. Nat said Evvy said nothing last night, except “I don’t care!” to everything she said to him about me.
Apparently she gave him such a revving.
(I can only imagine!! Nat can be pretty scary when she wants to)
But that’s all he kept saying in response.
How could he SAY THAT. If it’s true, I’ll die.
How could I have been so wrong, FUCKING AGAIN, about a guy!!!
I thought he cared, I truly thought he did. But his reaction…
Nat said Tom made a HUGE fuss over the card I got him
(sent along with Nat and Dan),
that he made a big deal out of telling everyone, repeatedly, that the card he was about to open was from me, and that I should’ve seen the look on Evvy’s face!!!
(oh I die. I die laughing)
Then Tom wore his Batman badge (that came with the card) all night.
Priceless.
Did I mention I love Tom???
8.55pm
Went to Dad’s for dinner. Was good, just me, Dad, Nat and Dan.
Nat and Dan and I have decided to all move out together!! I am so excited. I’m getting sick of living on my own. I’m so lonely.
The three of us will have so much fun!!!
I’m curled up in bed (in the foetal position), watching ‘Excess Baggage.’
Alicia Silverstone is the bomb. All her movies rock!!!
Monday 7 August 2000
8.25pm
Watching ‘Spin City’ at the moment. I’m feeling heaps better today. So much better I am bored out of my brain!!
Now I’m stuck with the rest of the week off!! I’ll go crazy!!
I spoke to Sue again, and she said the flu showed up in my blood test results, as well as whopping cough. No wonder I’ve felt so shit. She thinks in another week I’ll be brand new again.
OH PLEASE UNIVERSE!!! Make me better!! I’ve been sick for so long.
Can’t take much more.
Tuesday 8 August 2000
3.23pm
I’m going insane!!! I’m so bored!!
I just got home from visiting Mum. We washed my car, me, Mum and Trevor. Trevor made me his green chicken curry, that I normally love, but just couldn’t stomach today. Mum filled me up with Coke and pieces of toast with strawberry jam, no butter, to Trevor calling her ‘the dumbest bitch on the planet’ for making toast with no butter, and Mum snapping back and the two of them chainsmoking around me while I coughed nonstop.
(and this is why I don’t visit my mother)
Was a LONG day.
But it’s nice to see Mum.
(alive, and in small doses)
I want to go out SO BAD. I want to go clubbing!! I can’t take this aloneness any more!!
I want to go to Mary St tonight, and Dan said he’d go but Nat doesn’t want us to, which means we won’t, cause Nat is the boss!! Dan will obey her.
(if he values his life)
But I have no one else to go out with.
That’s so sad.
Beth might go in with me, but I don’t think I’m up for Beth tonight.
(I’m awful. Awful!!)
Maybe I should just go to the drive-in. It’s not partying, but it’s better than nothing.
And it’s only $6 on a Tuesday. I think.
But damn it!! I wanted to get drunk! Dance around all night! Dress up! Do my hair! Perve on spunky boys!
Life’s not fair!
If Richie were here, he’d go out with me.
Wednesday 9 August 2000
11.05am
Okay, it was an emotional night last night.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have drunk so much on liquid codeine, antibiotics, cough mixture and Panadeine forte.
For the most part, I had an absolute ball, the best time I’ve had in ages!!! I was like a freed puppy!!! I’ve been so alone and lonely. Felt so good to be out in the world!!! I twirled around every post, pole, or hot guy I could see!!
>
(hello, World!! How I’ve missed you!!)
Well, I first stopped in at Beth’s. When she showed no signs of wanting to go into the city, and began boring me
(I’m awful I tell ya’s),
I moved onto Dad’s. I got there about 6pm, and I had all my bags with me, my pillow, my quilt, my make up bag, determined I was not going to take no for an answer.
Nat took one look at my packed car and burst out laughing.
It was just me and her home, so we started drinking vodka and chatting, and it was so nice!! So nice not to be home in my pink asylum, and all alone.
Then I decided to start ringing around, to try to get the group out
(Nat and Dan’s group, since I have no group…or friends!!!),
and I started with Nat’s oldest best friend, Anita. But she was already going out to a party. We had a lovely little chat!!
(she was laughing at me, ringing around to get people to go out)
Then Nat took over, and rang Mark and Josie, but got Josie’s sister, who said they weren’t home.
So then I asked Nat, as we sat in the lounge room, drinking vodka, the phone between us, should I ring Evvy
(real casual-like, I was),
and Nat said, “No, FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKER!!”, so I tended to agree with her, drank the next vodka shot, and rang Tom instead.
Tom’s cool. He’s always SO FREAKING NICE to me. He seems to light up when he talks to me or sees me, which just gets my hopes up more over his dumb friend, because I figure he lights up for me cause he knows I’m the love of his best friend’s life???
(forever delusional. Will go on my headstone)
Either way, we chatted for ages, about anything and everything, laughing heaps, but Tom said no to going into the city, but told me to call Evvy!! See if he’d go in!!
I was all, “I don’t know if he’d want to hear from me,” and Tom was all, “Yeah, YEAH!! Call him!! Just do it!! He wants to hear from you!!”
(this is news to me???)
So I stupidly took that advice, and rang the Fucking Fucker, and he was an absolute rude bastard! Like, THE WORST.
He didn’t even try to PRETEND to sound happy to hear from me. I made SUCH an effort, too: I babbled away happily, I was bubbly, I WAS SO MUCH FUCKING DAMN FUN, just via my voice, and he was still an ass!
I asked him what he was doing
“Nothin’ – ”
Then I asked him did he want to go in tonight –
“Nut.” (apparently he’s a squirrel now)
(he kinda does have a pointed, squirrely face….oh stop. I’m being so mean)
Then I babbled a bit more (while he remained stubbornly silent) and got off the phone.
It was mortifying.
That BASTARD, for making me feel so bad.
I hung up the phone so upset, and Nat and I bagged him out for awhile:
“Ugh.”
“He’s such an asshole.”
“Totally. A big asshole with no…ass.”
Nat burst out laughing. “He’s lucky to even have you. The fucking knob.”
“Such a knob HEAD.”
“He thinks the sun shines out of his own asshole.”
“When it SOOOOO doesn’t.”
“His ego is so far up his wazoo – ”
“His hair SUCKED the last time I saw him.”
(yeah that’s the best I could come up with)
Nat poured us more vodka, and I abandoned the phone ring-a-round after Ever just KILLED that game, and we had the best time getting ready together.
Then Dan and Josh FINALLY turned up, and the four of us went in together.
I had the best time!!!
We were racing to get there before they stopped handing out showbags
(Ekka and all, and this being the Ekka showday public holiday eve),
then we stayed upstairs at Mary St and drank. I was blind almost instantly (or, already).
I was having such a great time!!
Then we went downstairs, and by this time I was raring to go, but Nat wasn’t, and she decided to go home!!! And left us and cabbed it home.
So Dan and Josh stayed with me, and we had an absolute ball, dancing around, drinking, being stupid. Running amok.
(my favourite moments in life)
We were those showoffs that dance on the stage, and hahaha, I’ve never done that before!! Was so fricking fun!! We danced up a storm together, for hours!!!
(oh my god, was so fun)
Nat’s old school friends were in there, Rebecca and someone else whose name I can’t remember, THEN I met this lovely New Yorker who was an absolute STUNNER, then I found out, through chatting to him, that he’s been to Astoria, and white-water rafted down the Columbia River IN Astoria.
I just died.
(cause I’m Goonies mad, keep up, Diary)
Then, like this is not enough to equal this guy is my True Love, he asks me to go back to his hotel for champagne…
…and I said no.
Actually, what I said was, “I’m not that kind of girl.”
(since when?? Why did I have to decide this then??)
Then he just looked sad and said bye.
Ugh. That guy could’ve been my destiny. And all I kept thinking about was Ever.
That stupid fucker ruins everything.
Then, after that, back down on the dancefloor downstairs, this really sleazy guy just grabs me and kisses me, and I pushed him away so far
(after I struggled for a bit to unlock his lips)
and fast that he went flying across the dancefloor and landed on his ass.
(oh God, that was FUNNY)
Dan and I stumbled home at 3am (we’d lost Josh hours ago), and I burst into (drunk) tears, then Nat was yelling at me that I was being “too loud.”
(while I cried)
I think everything just got to me in that intoxicated moment: Evvy, being sick and alone for so long, no one around.
It was all too much. On gallons of vodka, tequila, two dollar strawberry daiquiris and all my medication.
4.32pm
Passed out.
I find out from Nat today that she saw Evvy and Tom arrive at Mary St as she was leaving!!! I can’t believe it!!
Dan and I didn’t see them in there at all.
He came in, that’s the point. Tom probably talked him into it.
I love Tom!!!
I also failed to mention I saw Rich’s sister downstairs at Mary St! She made me miss Rich even more. She looked so much like him last night, my heart tore. I gave her a big hug and a kiss. She talked about him coming home, and my heart soared. Was confirmation he IS actually coming home. Not just saying he is then bailing, like he did last time.
I had such a ball with Dan last night. We were blind! We haven’t laughed like that together in ages. Dan is so fun to go out with.
I’m feeling the effects today. My cough’s no worse but I feel beaten. I’m literally sore to touch all over.
I’m so happy I got to go out though. Totally worth it!! There’s nothing like a night out on the town…can get me through weeks!! I like live off it for awhile.
6.45pm
Just got really sad again. Coming down from my high!
I want to be back at work. I’m so lonely.
Thursday 10 August 2000
12.53pm
So bored, and still have half a day to fill.
I’ve already taken Mum and Trevor to the shops, then I went to Indro, wandered around.
(like a lost human being)
I’ve spoken to Nat, and she’s not sure about moving out with me now!!! That so upset me, cause I was so looking forward to it.
She’s probably worried her boyfriend and her sister will go out clubbing on week nights too much!!!
(she should be worried. We so would!!! And it’ll be so fun!!)
5.02pm
I went and did some food shopping at Fairfield, then went for a drive along the river, to get my mind off everything.
It didn’t work, but it was beautiful. I love feeling the sun on me so much!!
Something’s happened to me lately. I’ve become so restless. I can’t find enough to do. I’m so bored all the time.
I guess I’m just a bit stir-crazy too. I’ve already had like a year like this, off with my back, then I finally get my life back and get felled by whopping cough.
(and the flu. Stupid evil flu)
I’m waiting for Dan to ring, to tell me what time to meet him and Josh at the gym.
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