After a while she sat and leaned her back against one of the weathered wooden pylons. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes as she watched the ever-moving blue of the ocean. A ship crawled slowly across the horizon. Seagulls flew overhead.
It’s not fair. I’m too young. I just found Joe.
The three thoughts looped through her mind as she cycled from anger to despair to fear and back.
Her life had just started coming together. She had a future planned out, with Joe and Ben and Ruby at her side. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
Finally her thoughts settled. She hugged her knees to her chest, willing herself to calm. She didn’t have the luxury of wallowing in self-pity. She needed to get her shit together. She was about to take on the battle of her life.
And she was going to have to do it alone.
She choked on a sob as she consciously acknowledged her decision for the first time. She wasn’t sure when she’d made it. When she decided not to tell Joe about the lump on that first day? When she lay in bed next to Ruby the other night? It didn’t really matter. The fact remained that there was no way she could put Joe and his kids through the trauma of surgery and chemo and God knows what else. No. Way.
Joe had barely recovered from the loss of his wife. Ben was seeing a counselor to help him come to terms with his grief and guilt. And Ruby needed someone to make her feel safe, not a woman who may or may not be around to see her next birthday.
She couldn’t do it to them. That was how much she loved Joe Lawson and his children.
She huffed out a humorless laugh. She was so freakin’ noble it made her sick.
No matter how much she needed Joe or wanted Joe, no matter how much she wanted to be a part of his children’s lives, she had to face the fact that she had now become a liability. Joe could not afford to have someone like her in his life. Certainly his kids couldn’t. It simply wouldn’t be fair to expect them to take this journey with her.
She pressed her knuckles into her eyes, willing the tears to stop. She had to stop crying. No matter how scared and sad and angry she was, throwing a pity party was not going to get her through this. She was going to have to be tough. She was going to have to stand her ground and then some.
She waited until the tears dried on her cheeks, going over and over what had to happen next in her mind. Finally she scrubbed her face with her hands and stood.
It was time to go do what had to be done.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
JOE STEPPED FROM HIS CAR, the heat of a Melbourne summer’s day hitting him like a wall after the air-conditioning in the SUV. He frowned when he saw the kids hadn’t drawn the curtains to keep the afternoon sun out as he’d asked. Great. Now the living room would be like a sauna all night.
“Hey, Daddy,” Ruby said when he entered the living room.
The kids were sprawled on the floor with Hannah playing cards, all of them stripped down to shorts and tank tops. He tried not to stare at Hannah’s long, tanned legs. Maybe there were advantages to having a hot living room, after all.
“Hannah and Ben and I have been playing poker and Hannah says that cheating is wrong but I can’t win otherwise,” Ruby explained.
“She’s right. Cheating is wrong,” he said.
Ruby pouted.
“Told you,” Ben said triumphantly. “You want to win, you got to play smarter, that’s all.”
Joe sensed an argument brewing and decided to head it off at the pass. He reached for the envelope in his back pocket.
“I have something I wanted to discuss with you guys,” he said, his gaze taking in all of them.
Ben and Ruby stared up at him, their faces expectant. Hannah’s face was lowered as she fiddled with her cards.
“Is this about Christmas?” Ruby asked.
“No, this is about Easter. How do you guys feel about a trip to Movie World and Sea World on the Gold Coast?” he asked.
He knew they’d been disappointed they weren’t going away for Christmas, but the pub was too busy to leave at this time of year. The Easter trip was his way of making it up to them.
Judging by the shocked delight on their faces, he’d done all right.
“For real?” Ben asked, his face splitting into a big smile.
“Yeah, for real. Got the plane tickets right here. Four of them.” He glanced at Hannah to check her reaction. There was a look on her face he couldn’t quite define.
Ruby and Ben whooped with delight. He cocked his head in enquiry as he caught Hannah’s eye. What was going on?
“Surprise,” he said wryly, waiting for her to smile.
She didn’t. Instead, she frowned, then lowered her head and fiddled with her cards some more.
Ben and Ruby were too busy enthusing over the holiday to notice. As they enumerated to each other the rides they’d go on and the sights they’d see, Joe sat on the couch and nudged Hannah gently with the toe of his shoe.
“Too much of a surprise, huh?” he asked lightly.
She glanced up at him, her expression unreadable. “The trip sounds great.” But there was a definite lack of enthusiasm in her voice.
“I know it’s not camping and it’s not the hidden byways of the country you want to explore, but I thought it might be fun….”
“It’s a nice idea,” she said, still not meeting his eyes.
She straightened her cards into a neat little stack and returned them to the deck, making sure they were all lined up.
“You okay?” he asked.
She met his eyes briefly. “We need to talk.”
There was something heavy in her words.
“Okay.” He stood, gesturing for her to join him in the kitchen.
She shook her head. “Later. When the kids are in bed.”
He stared at her for a long moment, then nodded. It was going to be one of those kinds of talks.
The next hour crawled by. He watched Hannah out of the corner of his eye, trying to get a read on her. She’d been a little withdrawn the past couple of days. And she’d canceled dinner with him and the kids the other night. He hadn’t thought anything of it at the time, but now he wondered if he should have.
We’ll work it out, whatever it is.
One of the things he loved about Hannah the most was that she was such a straight shooter. If there was something wrong, she’d let him know and they’d sort it out.
He sent the kids off to brush their teeth at eight-thirty. He tucked Ruby into bed and confiscated Ben’s flashlight so he couldn’t read under the covers. Then he returned to the living room.
Hannah sat on the couch, her elbows on her knees, hands gripped together. She was staring at a spot on the carpet, her mouth grim. She looked like a soldier about to go into battle.
Not a great sign.
He stopped inside the doorway and she looked up at him. They stared at each other for a long moment.
“What’s going on?”
“I can’t go to Queensland with you,” she said.
“I know I should have checked with you first—”
“It’s not about that.”
She took a deep breath and he realized she was shaking. Whatever was bothering her, she was really worked up about it. He crossed the room to sit beside her.
“Hannah.” He started to slide his arm around her shoulders, but she caught his hand and held it in both of hers. Her fingers were cold, her grip tight.
“I got a call from my G.P. today. I had some tests this week…” She shook her head. “Man, this is hard.” She whispered the words, almost as though she was talking to herself. Her chest lifted as she took a deep, long breath. Then she looked him in the eye.
“I have breast cancer. I’m scheduled to see a surgeon on Monday.”
He stared at her, barely able to comprehend what she was saying. “What…?”
Cancer. What the hell?
“You’re too young,” he said.
“Apparently not.”
She winced and he realized he was squeezing h
er hand so tightly his knuckles had turned white.
“Jesus, Hannah,” he said. He didn’t know what else to say so he obeyed the impulse of his heart and dragged her into his arms. She held on for dear life, her cheek pressed against his. He could feel the fear in her trembling through her body, and he held her even tighter, trying to marshal his thoughts.
Cancer. Hannah had cancer, and she was terrified.
That one thought helped him to push his own fear and dread and shock to one side.
“You’ll be okay,” he said.
She huffed out a breath that was almost a laugh. “Can I have that in writing?”
“You will. They can do amazing stuff these days. And you’re young.”
She turned her head to kiss his cheek then eased away from his embrace. “That’s what my doctor said. But there are no guarantees, Joe.”
“But you’ve caught it early, right?” He’d never felt a lump or anything unusual in her breasts and he figured he’d made a pretty thorough study of them.
“Yes. I think so. But they won’t know anything until they’ve operated and seen what they’re dealing with.”
“You’re seeing the surgeon on Monday, is that what you said? I’ve got a meeting with the bank, but I’ll shift it so I can come with you.”
Her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked rapidly until they were gone. “That’s really sweet of you.”
He frowned. He didn’t have to be a genius to hear the unspoken but in her tone.
“You don’t want me to come with you?”
“It’s not about what I want. I don’t think it would be smart.”
“What do you mean? If you’re worried I’ll hassle the doctor or ask stupid questions, I promise to sit there quietly. Whatever you need from me.”
She brushed her fingers along his jaw, her touch gentle, her eyes sad. “You’re such a good man.”
There was something very final in her words. He stared at her, understanding slowly dawning.
“No.” He shook his head.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” she said, confirming his guess.
“Hannah…”
She held up a hand. “Hear me out. You’re a good man, so your first impulse is to stand by me. And I appreciate that, I really do. But you didn’t sign on for this. I’m going to get sick, Joe. Chemo, radiation therapy…I’m probably going to lose my hair and I’m almost certainly going to lose my breast.”
“I don’t give a shit about any of that stuff.”
“I know. But I do, and I refuse to put you through it.”
“Isn’t that my decision to make?”
“And what about Ruby and Ben?” she asked. “Is it their decision, too? I might die, Joe. You really want to put your kids through that?”
He flinched. “That’s not going to happen.”
“I appreciate the vote of confidence, but no one knows that. And I will not be the person who brings more sadness into your children’s lives.”
He stared at her. He couldn’t believe they were even having this conversation. Just this morning he’d bought tickets for the four of them to holiday in Queensland together; now Hannah was telling him she might be dying.
“No,” he said again, shaking his head.
“Once you’ve thought about it you’ll realize I’m right. Your kids need certainty and safety and love. They don’t need to watch me fight for my life, and neither do you. And it’s in my power to make sure you don’t have to, and that’s what I’m going to do.”
She stood. He stared at her.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“Like hell. We haven’t even begun to discuss this,” he said, shooting to his feet.
“How long have we known each other, Joe? A few months? Not long enough for you to have to come on this journey with me. Not nearly long enough. If we end things now, we can all walk away and get on with our lives.”
“That’s bullshit, Hannah, and you know it. You can’t define what we have in terms of weeks and days.”
“I’m being smart. This is the best thing for your kids, Joe.” She turned away.
He grabbed her arm. “I get a say in this, too.”
“No, you don’t. This is my fight, and it’s my decision. And I choose not to do this to any of us.” There was absolute steel in her voice and her face. Then her expression softened and she covered his hand where it still lay on her arm. She lifted it free, turning it so his palm was up. She pressed a kiss into the center of his hand.
“For what it’s worth, it’s been amazing. A gift. Thanks for sharing your family with me.”
He was about to demand that she stay when the low sound of Ruby’s voice floated up the hallway.
“Daddy? Daddy, I had a nightmare.”
Hannah gestured toward the hallway. “You’d better go to her. She needs you.”
Before he could say another word, Hannah was gone, the front door clicking closed behind her. He stared at the spot where she’d stood for long seconds, a thousand thoughts and feelings churning inside him.
Hannah had cancer. And she’d just cut him loose.
“Daddy?”
He stirred himself. “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
He went to Ruby’s room. She was huddled in bed, her favorite bear clutched to her chest.
“What’s going on?” he asked, struggling to keep his tone light.
“I had a bad dream.”
“Ah. Too much cheese.”
It was his standard response to nightmares and she smiled. “I knew you were going to say that, Daddy.”
“Did you? When did I get so predictable?”
He talked to Ruby for a few minutes, soothing her back to drowsiness. All the while his mind was on Hannah.
Finally he left Ruby and walked to the living room and simply stood there, staring at nothing.
Hannah had cancer.
For the first time he allowed himself to feel the full impact of the news. Fear and grief twisted through him. He lowered his head, closing his eyes against the ugly enormity of it.
They’d just gotten their shit together. Ben was finally talking and laughing again. They’d started building the foundations for a new family, a new way of living. They’d barely started to enjoy one another.
He was gripped with a sudden rush of rage, so powerful he wanted to slam his fist into the wall.
She deserved better. After what her sister did to her, Hannah deserved happiness. Hell, so did he. He’d buried his wife, his kids had buried their mother. Didn’t they all deserve a freaking break?
Without stopping to think, he strode out of the house. He stopped only when he’d arrived at her front door. He hammered a fist against the door, anger and fear driving him. He waited a few heartbeats, then knocked again, every muscle tense.
He had no idea what he was going to say, but their conversation wasn’t over, not by a long shot. No way was she making this decision for both of them.
He was raising his hand to knock a third time when the door opened. Robyn stood there, her face very pale.
“Joe,” she said.
“I need to see her.”
Robyn shook her head. “I’m sorry, but she doesn’t want to see you.”
“I don’t care. There are some things she needs to hear.”
He stepped forward but Robyn didn’t budge.
“I need to see her,” he said again.
“You’re shocked and upset.”
“No shit.”
Robyn eyed him steadily. “Have you ever dealt with a very sick person before, Joe? I have. My mother died from bowel cancer. Took her nearly two years to fade away to nothing.”
“I’m sorry, that must have been tough. But that’s not going to happen to Hannah.”
“I hope not. God, I hope not. But it might. And even if it doesn’t, things are going to get pretty scary. She’s going to be up and down, weak and strong, high and low.”
“I don’t care.
”
Robyn nodded. “Good. Now come back tomorrow and say the same thing.”
He swore under his breath. “I want to talk to her now.”
“She won’t talk to you. She wants to protect you.”
“That’s my freaking decision, not hers.”
Robyn’s gaze was searching. “What about your children?”
“They love her.”
“And what if they lose her?”
“Hannah is not going to die.”
“There aren’t many times in a parent’s life when you get the chance to stop your children from experiencing pain.” Robyn’s face was grave, her voice quiet. “Mostly it happens and you have to watch and wish you could take it away or feel it for them. But Hannah’s giving you the choice, Joe. She’s thought long and hard about this, and she’s doing what she thinks is the right thing for your kids. The least you can do is offer her the same consideration before you make your decision.”
He closed his eyes and swore again.
His gut reaction to Hannah’s news was to want to wrap her in his arms and tell her the world was going to be right and move mountains to make it so. But Robyn was right—there were no guarantees, and he had more than himself to think about.
He had children. He was their sole guide in life, their everything. No matter what he wanted to do, what his gut was telling him, he had to put his children first.
He leveled a finger at Hannah’s mother. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Good.”
She closed the door between them. Joe stared at it for a few seconds before turning on his heel. Head down, he made the short walk to his house. He went straight to the cupboard in the living room where he kept his stash of whiskey and poured himself a glass. Then he took the bottle with him and went through to the kitchen. He sat down at the table, the bottle on one side, the glass on the other.
He took a mouthful of whisky and thought about Hannah. Her laugh. Her stubbornness and spirit. The way she pressed against him when he kissed her. The way she watched him sometimes when she thought he wasn’t looking. How honest she was. How bold, yet at the same time so very vulnerable. The way she touched his children, the tenderness in her eyes.
Home for the Holidays Page 20
