“Coward,” she said, “OK, I'll be back for ten.”
I didn't keep my eyes on the clock but when I saw Oscar fly into the lounge and shoot behind a settee I knew Joanna's car must be close. I checked at the window and sure enough the car was just coming to a halt inches from where I stood, fortunately it was on the other side of the glass. Behind hers I saw Leee’s car pull in as well and then ours also. It was like a convoy. The girls came in first and I got my usual hugs from them. Karina planted a kiss on my cheek followed by Joanna who only caught my ear as I moved suddenly as everyone else entered the room. I hugged Geena and planted a kiss on Ivy as I shook Dafydd's hand. Leee and Jean both hugged me while Lady J greeted them all with a hug and even included me.
It didn't take long for the reason I had this visit to become apparent. Christmas! This year they'd all talked amongst themselves and with Ysabel and decided they wanted to take us out for Christmas dinner. It was now up to us all to decide on a place. After much deliberation and discussion, the tooing and froing came down to a short-list. The Fursty Ferret or The Bells of the Belfry. We settled on the latter for no better reason than we'd have room to put the tables together so we could sit as one group.
Karina said she'd sort it and they all started to drift away. I picked Ivy from her mum's knee and carried her out to the car. She looked fascinated by me which Geena explained was because my beard was a novelty. At least she didn't cry as most babies seem to do when confronted by me.
After waving them all off I took Lady J's arm and led her inside again. Oscar reappeared from his hiding place and immediately went to her for a stroke. At that moment there was a banging at the front door. I went to answer it and there stood Frank Rumpoe, the village butcher.
“Mornin' your Lordship” he said, “sorry 'bout this, but my turkeys escaped this morning and they're currently in your back garden, any chance of a hand rounding them up?”
“Certainly Frank” I told him, “I hope Mellors isn't around.”
Grabbing a jacket I followed Rumpoe out of the front door, round the side of the house to the back where 30 or so turkeys were making themselves at home. Some had made their way to the greenhouse where they were having fun with the seedlings while others were outside in the light covering of snow kicking their legs about in the borders, Mellors would be livid.
Rumpoe and I gathered the ones from the greenhouse and shut the door firmly. Then, with one of us on either side, he started clucking to move them along. They didn't seem very willing to move any further and just looked around making their funny gobbling sound. Suddenly I saw a streak of grey, and there launching himself into the air was Oscar. He landed square on the back of a turkey to the rear of the group. What a fuss it started but at least the leading group started to move off while Rumpoe and I coerced them with a few seeds I'd picked up in the greenhouse.
Oscar dismounted and pacing back and forth like a sheepdog kept the pack moving. Soon we had them all back in Rumpoe's yard where he was fattening them up for Christmas.
“Thank you mi'Lord” he offered, “I'll make sure the latch is firmly on the gate in future.”
“That's OK Frank” I told him, “accidents will happen.”
Oscar walked home with me looking very pleased with himself having proved yet again who the real ruler of the roost is. I looked at the back garden and realised I couldn't do much with the mess the turkeys had created, but in the greenhouse I tried to hide the fact that some of the seedlings had gone and wouldn't now be sprouting.
I was just walking back to the house when I saw Mellors appear. He'd obviously been to the village and judging by the way he was walking had stopped off at the Fursty Ferret to sample their wares. He walked down the other side of the house in the direction of the greenhouse and gave me a little wave as I moved a little faster towards the front door. I was momentarily expecting screams but heard nothing.
Locking myself in the study seemed the best option where I could answer my emails and perhaps Lady J could deal with Mellors when he appeared as he surely would. I spent a good uninterrupted hour dealing with messages offering me free business cards, prizes for answering surveys, the opportunity to buy art work, the chance to win great things by bidding low on them, lowest unusual bid wins and then of course the all seeing Fifi wanted me to take up an offer to see what my future holds. Divert those disasters Now, the message started. I did so by turning the computer off.
As I left the room I saw Lady J open the front door and my heart sank as I saw Mellors on the step.
“Your Lordship” he called, “I'm so sorry. I must have nodded off in the greenhouse for a minute and a bird has got in and damaged some of the seedlings. I woke up and chased it off though before too much harm was done. Look, I've even got some of its feathers.” And right enough, in his hand were some feathers from the turkeys which I hoped he wouldn't recognise.
“Well done Mellors” I said, “I'm sure you did a great job and we can replace the damaged seedlings.” I wondered what his reaction was going to be when the snow cleared and he saw the mess made of his borders. It wasn't prudent for me to tell him I knew his story was rubbish because it meant I didn't have to answer too many questions about the truth.
Mellors turned to go and his parting words were “Funny though, there must have been quite a flock of these earlier as there are feathers all down the garden.”
I wore my most innocent face as I shut the door and Lady J was looking at me quizzically.
“Strange you didn't recognise those feathers David. I didn't think turkeys could fly!”
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Triple D visit
I must have been a little restless last night and moved the bed covers about. I was in quite a deep sleep when I felt the soft sensation of fur on my feet. In my dreams I translated it as... well, that's really not important. However, the reality broke into my dream as the fur kept coming, up my legs, over my chest, until...
Oscar brought his head down hard on my nose. Believe me his head is quite hard.
My tear filled eyes opened to see him staring at me. His body lay down my neck and chest while his tail was making pendulum movements over my stomach.
“You little so and so” I started then stopped suddenly when his tail ceased moving. “What is it Oscar, just what do you want?”
He slid off my chest without once moving his eyes from mine.
With a last look he jumped off the bed and sat waiting. Admitting defeat in the hopes I could get back to bed quickly, I stepped out.
He moved, I followed.
Oscar bypassed his food dishes which I could see weren't empty. He bypassed the front door so I could see he didn't want letting out. He entered the lounge and jumped up and onto the back of an armchair. There he sat with his staring at me resumed. I moved over towards him and started stroking him, ruffling the fur around his neck with my fingertips. The purring started. The more I stroked the louder he got until I was sure Lady J would be wakened. It must have been good because by now I wasn't digging my fingers into his neck, he was digging his neck into my fingers and rolling his head to make sure I rubbed both sides.
I was cold and this was patently ridiculous, five thirty in the morning and I'm up with a cat that wants to be stroked and scratched. I moved away to turn up the room thermostat and then plonked myself on the settee. Oscar jumped from the chair and proceeded to walk back and forth across my lap, sometimes stopping on my knees to look up at me. I got the hint and gave him hugs. Back came the road drill sounding purrs. I have no idea how long this went on for but eventually I must have nodded off. I was woken by the smell of coffee and by Lady J bringing me a cup through.
“David dear, can't you do your sleeping in bed? The sound of your snoring in here woke me at 7.00 am and poor Oscar too. He was sound asleep on my bed until you did an especially loud snort, I'm surprised you didn't wake yourself up.”
It would have been pointless my explaining how I came to be sleeping in the lounge, so I ju
st said I must have been sleepwalking or something. Oscar rubbed up against my legs so I took it as an apology.
By 9.00 am we were showered, dressed and ready to face the day. Julia suggested that today was as good as any for a visit to Diana the Dowager Duchess. I knew this must have been pre-arranged as she would never drop in unannounced.
So I said “Perhaps not today my dear, I'm sure she must have other things on and I thought today I'd just potter around.”
“Nonsense David” she replied, “We’re expected at ten.”
During the drive over there I have to confess that my heart was in my mouth. I'm never at my best with formidable women and Diana's reputation preceded her. However, at ten on the dot we were shown into her study at Cheam Lodge. Diana sat in an easy chair in front of a roaring fire. She looked quite small to me really.
Lady J started to introduce me, “Your Grace, may I present my...”
“I know who this is young lady” said Triple D, “after all, he's here at my invitation. Sit down do!”
That last stentorian command almost had me sitting without a chair but I caught myself in time to move over and join them over by the fire. Before I sat I just had time to say “Delighted to meet you Your Grace.”
“Now” said Diana, “I understand that you've made some progress young lady.”
“Yes your Grace” said Julia and I've never seen her look so uncomfortable. “David and I have two fund-raisers planned and we also have promises of donations by local merchants.”
“Good” said Diana, “do you think we'll get near our target?”
“I believe so Your Grace,” I started to say as Triple D's hand rose to silence me.
“Young man” she said, “you can speak when I address you.” which rebuke instantly turned me from a 60 year old into a boy of ten outside the headmaster's study.
“Yes Your Grace,” said Julia. “I'm certain we'll get there.”
“Splendid” said Diana her face breaking into a grin like that of a naughty schoolgirl. “Tell me all about the plans, and you” she said pointing in my direction, “tell me all about the delightful young lady who gave you the broach.”
We spent a delightful couple of hours talking and when I asked Diana how she knew so much already, all she did was tap the side of her nose and wink.
I didn't think Suki would mind me sharing her secret with Diana, and so, over a light lunch which we ate by the fire off trays on our laps I told her all.
“Beritana eh” said Diana, “I knew the Old Sultan well, damned handsome chap.”
We left soon after lunch and started home. We were just pulling in when another car arrived. I went cold, it was Edna. As we got out of the car she approached, she was wearing a custard yellow trouser suit where he legs ended just below her knee and were gripping to her calves like old fashioned knickerbockers below, she wore startlingly red stockings whilst a matching bow adorned her head. As she got closer, I noticed she had one eyebrow at a very quizzical angle, and My Lord her lips were pursed as if for a kiss, was she about to greet me with a kiss? But no, the closer she got the more I noticed she had a trout pout and I had difficulty controlling the urge to laugh.
I heard Lady J beside me give a quick and quiet snigger but as I looked round her face betrayed nothing.
“Good afternoon Edna” she said, “we're just going in, won't you join us?”
There was a slightly muffled response of “Thank you” and we all trooped indoors. All settled in the lounge I tried to ignore the lips pointed lasciviously in my direction to ask “Is it me you've come to see Edna, how can I help?”
“Thank you David,” she said with some effort as the lips continued to point in my direction without actually moving, “I came to let you know that I've been very successful in getting donations for the auction. And, as it's a very big day for me in the public eye I've had a little Botox to get rid of the lines.”
I could actually sense the smile behind the words where all a deaf person would see was the accusatory lips and the quizzical eyebrow.
“Well the lines have certainly gone Edna” I ventured, “but I hope you're able to move your mouth to a little more of a smile by the day of the auction. It looks a little uncomfortable right now.”
“I'm sure Edna will relax a little by then David” said Lady J, “Thanks so much for letting us know Edna, please give our regards to Edgar.” With that, Lady J stood and Edna and I followed. I saw Edna to the door and waved her off. Returning to the lounge I found Lady J with a cushion to her face and I could hear little gasps from behind it. “Are you al-right dear?” I asked, knowing that she was.
The cushion came down and I saw tears of laughter rolling down her face. I couldn't help but join in.
“Those lips” I laughed “Amazing!”
“That eyebrow” she responded, “Stupendous!”
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Colonel Calls
My brother Colonel Wyn and his wife Blodwyn came this morning about 9.00 am. They were on their way to Barchester and wondered if we'd like to join them. Having no plans for the day we said we'd be delighted.
Lady J informed Grizelda we'd be out for lunch and donning our hats and coats off we went.
As we drove along I asked Wyn how Jessie's driving lessons were coming along and with a “Hrumph” he said they were on hold at the moment.
“Only since she demolished a hedge that her brother was clipping at the time” said Blodwyn with a laugh. “Matthias was fine once we removed the last of the privet from his nostrils.”
Lady J and I laughed at the mental picture.
As we arrived in Barchester our first stop was a little flea market that occupied the market square on a Monday. As it's quite like a car boot sale but under cover it's quite nice to walk around. It wasn't long before Wyn spotted a beautiful silver pill box that he picked up for a snip.
“David” he told me, “this is by Samson Morden and is worth at least £100.00, it's perfect for your auction,” and he passed it over to me.
Knowing that Morden was a master craftsman and very collectable I gave my thanks. “That’s wonderful Wyn, it should do really well. Thank you.”
Inevitably my wallet was like a yo-yo when Lady J spotted anything she liked. I was almost tempted to say “You carry the wallet dear in case you need it,” but I haven't quite lost my mind yet.
However, leaving the market the girls stepped into a little dress shop whilst Wyn said he'd stay outside for a cigarette and I offered to keep him company. I also sneaked a cigarette knowing Lady J would be away at least that long. Wyn and I chatted about the children and he said he was a little worried about the Goth stage Matthias is going through. I reminded him of his younger days of two-tone trousers and Crombie coats and how it hadn't done him much harm. That elicited another “Hrumph” from him.
The girls came out carrying bags and Lady J returned my wallet to me again. Amazing, it must be on a piece of elastic as I don't remember passing it to her this time. Wyn looked a little startled when Blodwyn passed over his credit card with a smile. I'm sure they both graduated with honours from Fagin's master class.
We lunched at The Crookback's Arms which had a lurid sign of Richard III and the two Princes under his arms outside. It actually looked more like Quasimodo with two hand-bells really. Not that Richard was around to complain about it.
Lunch though was very pleasant despite names like cock o'van and spageti bolonays on the menu. I don't suppose cooks need necessarily be literate. I had chosen sossages in union gravy with a sweat potato mash which was excellent and didn’t even need a deodorant.
We wandered round a couple more shops. I found myself continually checking my back pocket to see if my wallet was still there, before taking to the car and going home again.
Wyn and Blodwyn stayed long enough at home for a coffee with us before heading off themselves to see to the family. I added the pill box to the box of goods that Lady J had sorted as our donations and made a mental note t
o have a catalogue of sorts drawn up before the auction and make sure my nephew Leee put an advert on the internet to invite outside interest. I knew I'd have to see if he'd man a computer on the day and arrange for Edgar to allow us to use his phone for interested bidders.
I was just settling into my chair when I heard an almighty squeal. Lady J and I both stood and ran to the utility room where Oscar's food is kept. We keep the freezer and our washer/drier in there too. There was no sign of him, nor of whatever had made the sound. Then there was a roar of indignity and we knew it had to be Oscar. I looked, and in the small space between the freezer and the washer was Oscar, face down with legs splayed like those cats you see attached to car windows. He could get no further down and had no grip to back himself up. The temptation to pull him up via his tail was great but not with Lady J next to me. I got a grip on the side of the freezer and heaved, slowly it moved away from the washer and in my mind's eye I could imagine him slithering down until he lay on the floor still spread out. Lady J darted forward, got a grip on him as he slowly emerged, picked him up and cuddled him, making soothing noises as to a child. She carried him out of the room and I pushed the freezer back into place.
I wasn't expecting effusive thanks from him for my actions but neither was I expecting the glare I got that said this was all my fault. I think I'll close my bedroom door tonight.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Oh How the Soup Flies
My alarm went off at 6.30 am. I don't for one minute think he meant to go off but I must have chosen that moment to turn over which dislodged him from his place on my chest. So, he went off, then jumped straight back on and showing his displeasure swiped my nose with his paw. I woke up. What an efficient little alarm he is.
Actually I didn't mind being woken this morning as Lady J had promised me a treat, a run out to visit one of my favourite places, the White River Antiques Centre. It lies in the Wheelie Valley and apart from the antiques side also has a wonderful gift shop and a great restaurant. So, after rubbing my hands together in anticipation I went and made myself a coffee. It was a cold morning, snow still on the ground and from the lounge window I could see the prints of an animal having crossed the grass. Probably a fox I thought. There was also another set of tracks that seemed to follow the first, smaller tracks by the look of them and I wondered if the fox had been stalked by Oscar. It made me remember some years ago how a leg of lamb had fallen from the serving dish as it was brought to table. Oscar had pounced despite its size compared to him and no-one had the courage to try and retrieve it from him. We had boiled ham that day.
More Barsetshire Diary (Barsetshire Diaries) Page 7
