by Sue Watson
You saw Kathmandu as a tourist when you were here but when you come to see us I want to show you the real city. It’s a vibrant, scary, poor, heavenly place and I marvel at the way two worlds co-exist – worshippers adorn idols with scarlet paste and marigold petals while shops on the same street sell outrageously tacky souvenirs that you would LOVE. It’s like past and present, religion and tourism live in harmony and the juxtaposition of ancient shrines with ‘I ‘Heart’ Nepal’ T-shirts hanging nearby for sale never fails to amuse me! I love it here and I’m so happy but I do miss our lovely lunches, Donna. I also miss Coronation Street and Crème de la Mer and – call me an old pedant – but a constant supply of electricity and hot running water would be nice!
Ardash is still working as a trekking guide and for the lighter treks, I join him... You’d be horrified at me in my walking boots with no make-up on, but it’s OK as there are no paps around!
You’ll be pleased to know I’ve cut down on the ritualistic washing (I knew you always knew). I still wash too much and wipe too often, but it’s so much better than it was and sometimes I can go all day without even thinking about it.
I’ve had to abandon my vital timings, too, Donna – you would be proud! Recently, Ardash and I went back to Lake Pokhara and threw my watch into the water. It was a symbol of the new me, as I realised after a few months of living here that ‘now’ can mean ‘several hours from now’ to Nepali people. I’ll say to Ardash: “Are we going now?” and he will nod and say yes, but make no move. The old Tanya would have tried to rush him and gone ballistic at the thought of being late, but this Tanya has learned to redefine the word ‘now’.
It’s not just the scenery that’s different here; I am amazed at how Ardash and my new family and friends don’t care how my hair looks or how many wrinkles I have. Here they care about spirit, happiness, health and of course – how your dhal bhat tastes and whether your chapattis are any good. I’m working on that, but it’s a messy process and I still don’t cope too well with ‘messy’!
There’s much excitement at the moment as we’re making our wedding plans (yes I am finally getting my man!) I haven’t called Vera Wang this time, as Ardash’s sisters are making my gown and will also scatter the flowers. We’re hoping to be married during your visit so you and Marcus can be my Maids of Honour (not sure they have those here but we’re mixing up the cultures – the wedding will be less vintage glamour more cultural mash-up!)
Astrid and Lars visited last month and just when I thought my life couldn’t get any better, she handed me the DVD of Kourtney and Kim Take New York: Season 1. They also announced they are four months pregnant and expecting a little Astrid very soon. I am so delighted for them and look forward to lots of visits from their no doubt growing family in the years to come ... I just hope baby Astrid doesn’t swear like her mother...or her aunty Donna!
I’m so happy here Donna, the only shadow being that Ardash would have been a wonderful father and it makes me sad that we’ll never have a child of our own. It’s a sadness I will carry with me always, but I don’t let it take me over any more like I did before. I have so much to give and we spend all our spare time looking after the children at the orphanage, which is staying open along with other sanctuaries, thanks to our charity. I teach the children English and Ardash teaches them music and I’m hoping you will allow your new client to do a reprise of his ‘Ugly Sister’ role for the kids when you come next time (his Drusella is legendary in these parts, dear!)
Maya is still a very special little girl and stays by me most days. She feels like mine and there’s nothing we’d love more than to adopt her, but it wouldn’t be fair on the other children. I see her every day and make sure she has all she needs...including lots of love and cuddles. Last Wednesday she made me very proud and said my name, she’s blossoming and slowly starting to become the little girl she always should have been.
Oh and I may have mentioned, I am aunty to 16 nieces and nephews, thanks to Ardash’s four sisters. It’s funny because considering we are a childless couple, our lives are filled with children and we love them all!
Ardash and I are still very much ‘in the love’, as he would say. He is an antidote to my controlling, stressing, constantly-wanting western ways; he is calm, centred, kind, gentle and non-judgemental. I’ve finally found my place and it isn’t in front of a camera, denouncing the lives of others. A year ago, I would never have believed how much my life could change... I lost my show and my partner, everything I thought I wanted, but not what I needed... I now know the difference.
Anyway, I’d better sign off for now – the wifi can never be relied upon and I lost a whole long email I’d written to Astrid the other day which, as she would say, was very ‘‘shitting’ annoying!
Thanks for everything Donna and see you soon,
Much love
Tanya xxxx
PS. I’ve taken a leaf out of Cindi’s book and found a life quote. Don’t think I’ve gone all ‘hippy-dippy’ but I just think it sums up how I feel at the end of one journey and the start of this new, exciting one. Oh, and it’s not Cindi’s, Kim Kardashian’s, or Sharon Stone’s...
“We are visitors on this planet. We are here for one hundred years at the very most. During that period we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives. If you contribute to other people's happiness, you will find the true meaning of life.”
Dalai Lama XIV
Also by Sue Watson
Fat Girls and Fairy Cakes
Can you really make a living from indulging in your dreams?
TV Producer Stella Weston is over worked, overweight and under fire. Having battled uphill for years to balance her career with her family life, she is repaid by being put out to pasture on a religious gardening programme – complete with a nervous vicar, his nymphomaniac wife, and 22 stone Britney wannabe gardener, Gerald.
In the past, comfort has always been found at the bottom of her mixing bowl, but when even the most delicious lemon sponge with zesty frosting cannot save the day, Stella decides enough is enough.
However, finding the courage to quit is sometimes the easy part. Can you really turn a passion into a profession? Does more time at home actually give you a happier family life? Are men truly from Mars or another universe altogether?
Stella has to roll up her sleeves and find out – when the going gets tough, the tough get baking....
A funny, well-written look at whether you can turn a passion into a profession, with lots of hilarious dates, mishaps and angst woven in...I really enjoyed it. - The Daily Mail
You want to devour this smart and fabulously funny read in one go! – Closer
About the Author
Sue Watson is a former BBC TV Producer and Mancunian now living in Worcestershire with her husband and teenage daughter.
When not writing novels on her flamingo-pink laptop, Sue can be found enjoying cupcakes, crisps and Caramel Chew Chew ice-cream while watching 'The Biggest Loser USA.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
1 Psychosis and Cellulite
2 Organic Vomit and High End Splashbacks
3 Post-Op Transsexuals and Pageant Queens
4 Love, Betrayal and Donner Kebabs
5 Kerry Katona’s Cast Offs
6 Fantasy Weddings and Flagrant Tights
7 Rising Gizmos and Big Burritos
8 Vodka Cocktails and Love in the Clouds
9 Embarrassing Bodies and Morning Manoeuvres
10 Frothy Lattes and Frizzy Ends
11 Ray’s Roof Garden Revelation
12 Viral Cellulite and a Promise of Prime-Time
Part 2
13 We Have Lift Off... and Appelkaka
14 Hog Plums at the Yak and Yeti
15 Celebrity Heaven and Hog Plum Hell
16 Prime-time Pretty in Pokhara
17 A Scary Night and a Dirty Massage
18 Smelly Old Goats and Stroppy Old Cowboys
19 Bacterial Ha
nd Wipes and Prolonged Agony
20 I Scream and a Thespian Queen
21 Tabloid Trauma in the Cave from Hell
22 Lost Children and Luxury Face Cream
23 Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
24 Brad Pitt’s Chopper and the Downward Dog
25 Celebrity Sex and a Mountain Meltdown
26 Camp Parties and Indecent Proposals
27 Kim Kardashian’s Philosophy for Life
28 The Show Must Go On
29 Twinkling Porn Stars and Big Dark Clouds
30 Sad Goodbyes and a Time for Truth
31 Same Story, Different Blonde
Part 3
32 The Moon on a Stick and a Plastic Crown
33 The Twisted Permutations of the Spa Trek Queen
34 OCD in Overdrive and Kardashians in Crisis
35 Lost Brides and Cancelled Cake
36 The Bridesmaid and the Bröllop
37 An Unexpected Guest
Epilogue
Also by Sue Watson
About the Author
