I nod, but I’m not sure what to do.
Having friends is complicated.
THIRTEEN
That’s intense.
Cam and me went out for tacos on Tuesday, but things were… different. He hardly talked at all and he wasn’t himself. It’s Friday now and since Tuesday, he hasn’t said one word to me. No texts. No stopping by my dorm room. Nothing. It’s not like him, and it’s starting to worry me.
“What’s wrong?” Dr. Sanchez asks me when I meet her on Friday afternoon. It’s scary that she knows me well enough to know that something is wrong just by looking at me.
“Cam hasn’t talked to me since Tuesday,” I tell her. “Do you think he changed his mind about me? Maybe he doesn’t like me. Maybe he doesn’t think I’m worth the trouble. Maybe he doesn’t need a friend as damaged as me.”
The thought makes me sick to my stomach, but it’s something I’ve worried about since day one. I’m amazed that Cam and Micah wanted to be my friends to begin with.
“Isla, I doubt he feels that way about you,” she says.
“Then why else would he act like that?” I ask. Because up until Monday afternoon, he was completely fine. Maybe he just finally realized how damaged I really am.
“You aren’t the only one with problems.”
“I know that…”
But what problems does Cam have?
I mean, his mom and dad left him. Could that be part of his problem? Something tells me there is more to it than that.
“What do you think Camden’s problems are?” Dr. Sanchez asks me.
“I don’t know,” I answer.
“You opened up to him, right?” she asks.
I nod.
“Then be patient with him. Sometimes you need to make the first move and not always wait for him. Have you ever gone to his dorm room? Or have you ever texted him and asked him if he wanted to hang out?”
“No,” I answer.
“Then try that. The world doesn’t revolve around you. It’s time you start acting like it,” she says.
Wow.
Dr. Sanchez is tough.
But she’s right.
I hate that she’s right.
…
That afternoon, I knock on Cam’s dorm room. I don’t text first to confirm that he’s here. He might be out. But I have to try.
Camden is the one to open the door and he looks surprised to see me.
“You’re going to hang out with me,” I tell him.
“I am?” he asks.
I nod. “We are going to go to that burger place that you told me about.”
“But you don’t eat hamburgers,” he says.
“How do you know that?” I ask. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. I love fries.”
“Fries,” he repeats, then grins. “I don’t even know what to think of you.”
What the heck is that supposed to mean?
I don’t give myself time to process it.
“We’re taking my pink car,” I tell him as he heads out the door.
He groans. “Seriously? That’s not even right. I’m a dude. I can’t ride in a pink car.”
“The pink is starting to grow on me,” I say. “Who knows, maybe someday I will even like the color again.”
“You’re going to be the only mom with a pink minivan driving her kids to soccer practice,” Cam says.
I laugh. “I wouldn’t take this whole scenario that far. Besides, can you see me driving a minivan? Gross.”
“Fine. You’ll have your SUV with twenty inch rims and blacked out windows,” he says. “I can picture it.”
“That’s more like it.”
“Fine. You talked me into riding in your pink car,” Cam says.
Five minutes later, I am putting the top down on my car and turning on my favorite Korean pop song. Cam’s face is red and he looks like he might possibly jump out of my car as it’s moving.
“My man card is being revoked right now,” he says.
“I’m pretty sure that you riding in my pink car makes you a million times more awesome.”
“Then it’s worth it,” he says. “Do you want to know why I am friends with you, Isla?”
“Yeah,” I answer.
“When I first saw you, you were standing by yourself at the bonfire after we won the game against Alabama,” Cam says. “You were just watching people with an intensity I couldn’t figure out. But then you smiled. I’m not even sure what at. But your smile made me feel something. I can’t explain it, nor do I understand it myself, but at that moment, I decided that I would do whatever it took to make you smile like that again everyday for the rest of your life.”
“That’s intense, Cam,” I tell him. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that.”
“You’re not supposed to say anything,” he says. “Because I wasn’t supposed to tell you that yet. Right now, I am very happy being your friend.”
Suddenly, being just a friend to Cam doesn’t sound so bad. Because the thought of being more with him… it’s scary. Camden is the kind of guy who has the ability to break my heart. No, not just break it. Shatter it. There is no coming back from something like that. He would ruin every other guy for me. So, until I truly am ready to be with somebody, I will just ignore my feelings for him. That’s for the best.
“I’m happy being your friend too,” I tell him.
“Let me know if that changes,” he says. “If you’re ever unhappy being my friend.”
“Why would I ever be unhappy as your friend?”
“Just promise me.”
“Okay. I promise.”
But the truth is, I could never, ever get tired of him.
“Do you ever miss your mom and dad?” I ask Cam.
“I don’t even remember my father,” he answers. “And I don’t miss my mom. Not anymore. I used to. I think kids are programed to love their mom no matter how bad she treats them, but now that I’m older I realize just how sick of a person she really is. I forgive her for what she did, but I don’t want to go back around her.”
Interesting.
“Do you miss your dad?” he asks.
“People say that you can’t choose your family, but that’s not true,” I say. “The day that Mom and Stanley got married I met Scott for the first time. We were only twelve years old at the time. Neither of us were happy about the marriage, so we stole the wedding cake. Imagine the two of us carrying this huge cake. I don’t know how nobody noticed. But that day, Scott and I both decided that the marriage didn’t have to be miserable for us. We had each other. I accepted him as my brother, and that has never changed. I love him. I chose him. Sometimes, chosen family is better than blood family. My dad chose another family over me. It sucks, but I don’t let that define me.”
“You’re a strong person, Isla,” Cam says.
“Derek Miller chose me to live. For a long time, I was upset that I got to live while everybody else didn’t. I know families of those kids had to think, why her? Why did he shoot my kid, but not her,” I say. “I don’t know why he didn’t shoot me. Maybe it was because I was nice to him when everybody else picked on him. Or maybe it was something different. But I’m tired of not living. I am choosing to live. I don’t want to be defined by Derek Miller anymore. He is the one who killed my friends, not me. I couldn’t save them.”
“Did you really consider him a friend?”
“Yes, I did. Derek was awesome,” I answer. “I mean, he had issues, like the rest of us, but he was a great friend. He actually came to my sweet sixteen birthday party. He made fun of my car. We laughed and joked. And month later, he killed all my friends. So it’s hard not to let those happy memories with him get mudded down. But yes, Derek Miller was one of my best friends.”
“Don’t lose the happy memories of him,” Cam says. “He shouldn’t be defined by the one bad thing he did. Everybody messes up and makes big mistakes. I know his mistake doesn’t seem like it’s a forgivable one, but I’m sure he would want forgiven
ess if he were still alive.”
“I know,” I say. “I am working on that. Every single day.”
“Good.”
I pull my car into an empty parking spot, putting the roof up on my car.
“Our conversations are intense today,” Cam says. “Maybe we should talk about happier stuff.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“French fries,” he answers.
What can I say? French fries make the world a much happier place.
FOURTEEN
Please don’t die.
I stare at the screen in shock.
From: Lonerguy279
To: Pinkstar737
Subject: I don’t want a “virtual” hug.
Dear Pinkstar737,
I want to meet you. In person. I attend UGA as well, and think it’s time to talk face to face.
Meet me tonight at 7.
Sincerely,
Lonerguy279
Attached to the email is directions to a diner in town.
He wants to meet me.
Tonight.
And I am freaking out.
How can I meet him in person? We’ve talked over email for so long that I’m scared to actually see him in person. What if he doesn’t like me anymore once we meet? What if he doesn’t email me anymore? How can I live without his emails? Is it possible we can have a friendship outside of the computer?
I hesitantly hit reply.
From: Pinkstar737
To: Lonerguy279
Subject: RE: I don’t want a “virtual” hug.
Dear Lonerguy279,
I’ll be there.
Sincerely,
Pinkstar737
I hit send, then shut my computer.
“What did I just do?”
…
“I’m meeting Lonerguy279,” I tell Micah as I’m hanging out in his dorm room that afternoon. Marisa has a part time job, so she is working. It’s practically the only time I get to hang out with him anymore, but I don’t mind. He’s in love.
He immediately stops playing the guitar. “You’re going to go meet somebody you’ve only talked to online?”
I nod.
“Alone?”
I nod again.
“Have you told Cam?”
“No,” I answer.
“Are you going to?” he asks.
“I don’t know. He probably wouldn’t want me to go. He doesn’t even like me emailing him. I mean, meeting Lonerguy279 is safe. We met through my therapist. She wouldn’t have set me up to write somebody crazy,” I say.
“Isla, you met the guy through your therapist. People don’t go to therapy for no reason,” Micah says. “What if he is crazy?”
“He’s not.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’ve talked to him every single day for the past year and a half. Before I came to college, I would literally sit in front of my computer waiting on his emails,” I tell Micah. “He was my entire life. He’s not crazy.”
“You talked to him everyday for a year and a half and never told him what happened to you. I’m sure there are things you have hid from this guy, because it’s easy to hide stuff when you’re behind a keyboard. You could be meeting a murderer,” he says. “I don’t think you should go.”
“I can’t not go,” I say. “I’m not… ready to lose him yet.”
“You have us. Me and Cam. You even have your roommate now,” Micah says.
“I only get you when Marisa is at work,” I remind him.
“We’re in the beginning stage of our relationship. We can’t stand to be away from each other right now,” he says. “Give us a few months, and then we will invite you along. Besides, you’re the one who helped me get a date with her to begin with. You’re destined to be the godmother of our kids someday.”
“Kids? It’s that serious?”
“You’re not changing the subject,” Micah says. “I want you to be around to be the godmother of my kids someday. Please, don’t go.”
“I have to, Micah. I have to know.”
“Then tell Cam.”
“He won’t let me go and you know it,” I say. “And I have to go. Please just trust me on this. This guy… he’s not a murderer. I know something bad has happened to him too, but I don’t know what. I don’t want to know. He’s kind. And I promise he is not going to murder me.”
“You know I can’t let you go alone. Cam would kill me.”
“I know,” I say. “I was hoping you could go and kind of watch from a distance. I’d ask Cam, but he is so protective. He wouldn’t leave my side. He’d scare the guy off. And I have to do this.”
“Are you sure you have to?” he asks.
“Yes, I am.”
He sighs. “Fine, Isla. I’ll go sit in a booth where I can watch, just in case. But know that if anything happens to you, Cam will kill me. So I will never get to have those hypothetical children that I spoke of. My unborn children’s futures rests in your hands.”
“You’re so dramatic.”
…
As I take a seat in an empty booth in the diner, my phone vibrates with a stream of texts. I already know that it’s most likely Micah who is sitting in a corner booth. He’s close enough to intervene if needed, but not close enough to hear our conversation.
Micah: Please don’t die.
Micah: Think of my future children.
Micah: And Marisa.
Micah: I’d have to haunt her and her future boyfriends.
Me: I’m not going to die. But if I do, Cam will not kill you.
Micah: Yes, he will.
I roll my eyes.
Micah: Don’t roll your eyes at me.
Me: Then chill. Cam is not going to kill you. But I might.
Micah: Geez… somebody is cranky.
Is he serious right now?
At least he is distracting me from being nervous.
Because I am nervous.
Like, I have to remind myself to breathe in and out.
Micah: I’m just concerned about your safety.
Micah: Also, I MAY have texted Cam and he may or may not be on his way here at this very moment.
My eyes widen at his confession.
Yep, definitely going to kill him.
The door opens, making my heart stop momentarily. I look up and see Scott walk in.
Okay, so it’s not Lonerguy279 yet.
But, seriously… did Micah tell everybody that I am here?
Scott takes a seat across from me.
“Fancy meeting you here,” I say. “But you guys need to chill. I’m not here to meet a murderer.”
“I know that you’re not meeting a murderer,” Scott says.
“How do you know?” I ask. “Have you hacked into my email account?”
It wouldn’t surprise me if he had been reading every email I’ve sent and received over the past year. That’s totally something he would do.
“Isla, I am Longerguy279,” Scott says.
“What?”
I’m pretty sure my mouth is hanging open.
“After… everything happened… we drifted apart. And I missed you. When Dr. Sanchez asked me if I wanted to be your anonymous pen pal, I jumped at the chance. I didn’t know how to talk to you, but I didn’t have to try so hard when I was Longerguy279,” Scott says.
“But I said so many mean things about you,” I say. “I mean he… you… were my escape from all the bad things. I told you so much.”
“I know. I felt like I was deceiving you,” he says. “When I got those emails and saw in black in white what I was doing, it killed me. But I didn’t know how to stop. But then seeing that you still loved me, despite everything, it gave me the strength to keep going.”
“Wow,” I say. “I can’t believe it was you.”
“I’m sorry, Isla. You needed me, and I quit being your brother. When you needed me most, I abandoned you. It kills me to think about how I treated you.”
“Scott, I forgave you a long time ago.”
He smiles. “I love you, Isla.”
“I love you too,” I say, then laugh. “Do you really like Korean pop music?”
He nods. “I really do. But I think I just liked it because it made me feel closer to you. Though, I got to admit, those boys in BTS sure can dance.”
I shake my head at him.
“Do you think I could learn to dance like that?”
“Absolutely…” I pause. “Not. You’re white. Sorry. There is not one dancing bone in your body.”
“I’m Asian,” he says.
“Umm… no, you’re not.”
“No, I am. I’m Caucasian. Get it. Asian. Caucasian.”
“That’s not funny. Like, at all.”
“Whatever. I’m Asian on the inside,” he says. “Do you think I could make it as the first ever white Korean pop star?”
I put my head on the table. “I give up.”
The door opens up again, and this time Cam walks through the door.
“Oh, thank God,” Cam says, as he gets up to the table. “Scott, you’re here. Can you talk her out of this? She doesn’t need to meet some strange guy she’s been talking to online. If you can’t talk her out of it, I’ll carry her out of here.”
“Wow. Why don’t you guys discuss this while I go get a milkshake,” I say, standing up.
I walk up to the counter and see Scott and Cam talking. I just smile.
I’m lucky. I have a lot of people in my life that love me. What more could I ask for?
…
“Cam said he would carry you out of the diner?” Zoe asks.
The Day My Life Began Page 9
