“You’re not, Nate.”
“No. But I didn’t just lose the closest woman in the world to me, either.” His rough hand came up to cup her cheek. She put her free hand over it.
“I’m sorry I went all she-woman-selfish on you earlier.” She pressed his hand into her cheek.
Nate shrugged and shook his head. He leaned down. “I’ll not forget that you said yes.”
Kaitlyn put her hand up to cover her mouth, afraid he would kiss her. “I stink.”
“I don’t care.” He kissed her forehead and then straightened. “I’ll take care of Bobby. Will you call Karen’s family…in Alaska, right?”
“Yeah. I can do that.”
“Then you can decide whether you want to drive back to Pittsburgh and if you want the boys to go.”
“OK. Yeah. I’ll figure it out.”
“We’ve got this, Katie.”
“Right. We’ve got this.”
~*~
Kaitlyn ended up driving to Pittsburgh while Nate stayed home with the boys. She walked into the ICU shortly before noon.
Karen’s family would be flying into the Pittsburgh airport that evening. They were making the funeral arrangements.
That suited Kaitlyn just fine. She could concentrate on her dad and the boys. Walking cautiously, Kaitlyn slipped into her dad’s room.
A nurse stood at his side, holding some kind of electronic tablet in her hand. She looked up in question as Kaitlyn stepped to the bed.
“I’m his daughter.”
“Oh. OK.” She looked down at the screen then back up. “I’ll get the doctor. I’m sure he’ll want to talk to you.” After a final adjustment to her screen, she bustled out.
That didn’t sound good. Kaitlyn wiped her palms on her jeans, determined not to worry. At least until there was something concrete to worry about. She shuffled closer to the bed. Her dad’s eyes were closed. His unibrow drooped. His body lay still under the sheet. Machines beeped and whirled beside him, tethering him with lines and hoses. Kaitlyn smiled a little at that. She could almost hear him joking that one was the break line and one the air line and yet another was the live wire connecting him to the battery while the ground wire was over here.
“Kaitlyn,” his voice rasped. “You think this is funny?” A ghost of a smile crossed his face as though he were proud of her for laughing in the face of terror.
“I was just thinking you might need your fuel line changed.” She nodded at the almost empty IV bag.
He coughed a weak laugh. “That’s my girl. You’ve got trucking in your blood, same as your old man.”
Kaitlyn bit her lips. It was true.
“You’re tough and strong and you do everything you set out to do.”
Kaitlyn’s mouth gaped.
“I’ve always been so proud of you.”
Kaitlyn put a hand on the bed to brace herself. She had to remember to breathe. “You never said anything.”
Her dad’s eyes closed tiredly. He spoke without opening them. “I wanted to you be as bold and capable as any man. It’s a hard world out there. But…”
When he didn’t say anything more, Kaitlyn prompted him. “But what, Dad?”
His chest rose and fell shallowly. “I see so many mistakes I made.” His eyes opened, brilliant blue made glossier by the unshed tears they contained. “I’m at the end now…”
“Don’t say that, Dad.”
He raised a hand weakly, to signal her to wait. “I’m at the end, and I see the trucks aren’t as important as I’d always thought. You’re the one here beside me.” His gnarled old hand moved slowly over and clasped hers. “Holding my hand. And it makes me think…maybe there were times you needed comfort, and I was too busy drowning myself in work to numb the pain, and I didn’t give you what you needed.”
Kaitlyn took a slow, deep breath and blinked her tears back.
“When Kyle died, you needed me,” her dad rasped, shocking her.
“You were disappointed that you’d lost you son. I knew you wished it had been me.”
“No!” His grip tightened, hurting her hand. “No. I never, not once, wished it was you. You were all I had left.” His mouth trembled. “It’s hard to lose a child, but I never wished it had been you. I only wish now I had been less concerned about myself and more concerned about my daughter. I think you needed me.” His hold on her hand eased, and he brought their joined hands to his cheek. “I let you down.”
“You loved Kyle.”
“Of course. He was my son. I love you just as much.” A single tear ran down his weathered cheek. “Maybe I should have told you.”
Kaitlyn swallowed, but couldn’t stop her tears. “I love you too, Dad.”
“I’ll be gone. Everything’s falling to you.”
“Don’t talk like that.”
“It’s the truth. And it’s a lot for you to handle alone.” He coughed, a lingering cough that seemed to pull all the air from his lungs. Settling back into the pillow, he rested for a minute.
She didn’t have to handle this alone. Nate said they’d do it together. And it scared her to depend on someone besides herself. As if that was a weakness.
“I’ve lost two wives. Life is a lot more enjoyable, a lot easier, if you have someone to share it with.” Despite his obvious feebleness, his gaze seemed to drill into her. “Sell the trucks if you have to. They’re not as important as you and Bobby and Gary. And wherever that Nate fits in…don’t overlook him because he’s not a monster in a t-shirt like the guys you’re used to.”
Kaitlyn smiled. “He actually is a monster in a t-shirt.”
Her dad raised his brows. “If you say so, Hon. I’m just saying sometimes people’s strength is on the inside. He looked like that type of man.”
“He is.”
“I think he’d be good for you.”
“He is.”
“Then don’t let him go. Sometimes a man looks confident and capable, but the reason he seems that way is because he’s got a good woman beside him, holding him up.”
She had never noticed her dad needing anyone. “You were strong on your own.” Wasn’t he?
He ignored her statement. “And the opposite is true. It’s a balance of power. A little competition to see who can give the most could be a good thing. Instead, we’re so often concerned about what’s best for ourselves.”
Selfish. Kaitlyn had already figured out that’s what she was. Maybe real strength was denying oneself? She thought of Nate, right now, home with the boys. Surely, he had better things to do. But he wasn’t there for himself. There was a problem with that, though. “If you put too much of yourself into someone else, you end up losing yourself.”
“That’s what marriage is.”
“No.” Everything in her disagreed. She’d worked too hard to become what she was, and she didn’t want to lose it.
Her dad coughed. The machines clicked. He cleared his throat and wheezed. “Two people become one. By definition, you lose your individual identity and develop a new one. Together.”
Together. That word again.
“I had no idea you were such a philosopher.”
His gnarled hand lay still on top of his chest, which moved shallowly in and out. “I’ve had a lot of time to think these last few weeks. I wanted to talk to you last night, but it was hard to bring myself to get past the trucks. That’s what has always mattered.”
“They do matter. They support us.”
“And I love them, and so do you. But people are more important than things. I needed to tell you that before I die.” He closed his eyes.
Panic stirred in her chest. If her dad died, she would be completely alone. “You can’t die, Dad. I need you. Gary and Bobby need you.”
“I need you to take care of them. I’m not staying here.” He closed his eyes. “I’ve already buried a wife and son. And I’ve lost another wife, too. I hate to drop it all on you, but I have to.” Taking a breath, he opened his eyes and gave her a direct look. “You’re strong a
nd tough, Kaitlyn, and you can handle it. I saw the way Nate looked at you the short time you were here with him. He’ll stand beside you for the rest of your life. Don’t throw that away. And a man…” his voice trailed off. He continued in a whisper, as though the effort to speak was too much, “He needs you to need him. It’s OK to let him see that.”
She thought of how Nate had helped with the boys. He’d cooked for her and defended her. He’d seen all her weaknesses. And instead of poking at them, pushing on her sore spots, he’d stepped in and filled in the gap. Her dad was right. He was a keeper. But a nagging thought bothered her. She was supposed to do the same for him. But she hadn’t. Had she?
True to his word, her dad passed away that afternoon. The doctors said he’d died of a broken heart. They’d seen it before. All his tests were OK, but his wife had died, and he just gave up.
Kaitlyn couldn’t help but feel that was the togetherness, the one in marriage, that he’d talked about. He couldn’t live when his heart was torn asunder…broken. But she could go to the funeral with his love infusing her spirit. He hadn’t wanted her to die instead of Kyle. He was proud of her, and he trusted her to finish what he’d started. In a way, that was enough. Obviously, he thought she could do it, and he chose to leave. It was really what she’d worked for all her life—her dad’s approval. Funny that it wasn’t the trucks he’d finally trusted her with. It was his boys.
24
Nate sat in a chair at the back of the funeral parlor, Bobby in his lap.
A crowd gathered, milling around the caskets, talking softly as social rules dictated at a viewing. Their pediatrician had offered drugs for Bobby, at least to get through the funeral, but Kaitlyn and he had agreed that a person, no matter how young, had to get through what life threw at them. It was the only way to gain strength. Bobby was too young and impressionable. They didn’t want him learning that drugs helped him cope. But at Bobby’s age, he needed someone’s support. Nate hadn’t left him for a minute.
Although Karen’s family was here, Gary slept in his car seat beside Nate. But it was Kaitlyn who truly shone. Between the people standing in a semi-circle around him, between bits of conversation, he could see her, glorious in a navy shirt and dark beige skirt. And smiling. She had her arm around a burly man dressed in a tattered t-shirt and old jeans who stood sobbing at the casket. Nate recognized him as one of their drivers.
Whatever her dad and she had talked about just before he’d died had lifted a lifetime of weight from her. Nate had seen her cry, sure. Her dad had just died. But it was as though some kind of internal strength had been activated, and she shone from the inside out.
Nate wished he had been the one responsible for the change.
Bobby squirmed on his lap. He’d about reached his limit for sitting still.
“Nate.” Recognizing his sister’s voice, Nate scanned the crowd. People seemed to part around her as she limped toward him, followed by her massive husband, Tank. He towered over her, making her seem even smaller and frailer than the limp and scars already did. Her gray eyes drew together in concern. She reached out with her small hand to stroke Bobby’s face. “How is he?”
The tension in Bobby’s body drained at the touch of her hand, and he sagged back against Nate, not even turning his head to see who caressed him. Nate’s heart swelled. More than anyone he knew, Eve deserved happiness. He admired and respected her and always thought he’d marry a woman just like her. Kaitlyn could not be more different.
“He’s hurting.” Nate watched her for a minute, stroking Bobby’s back, then nodded at Tank, who had one possessive hand on his wife. “Good to see you.”
“Appreciate everything you’ve done.” Tank’s eyes, while not brimming with anything close to humor, seemed less haunted than they had before they left.
Nate shrugged. “It was fun.”
A shadow flickered over Tank’s eyes then his expression closed.
A hand landed on Nate’s shoulder. He glanced around in surprise. Kaitlyn, straight and determined, as if she was facing the firing squad, stood beside him. How could her courage surprise him yet again? Adjusting Bobby, who wrapped his arms around Nate’s neck, he stood. He placed his free arm around Kaitlyn and pulled her to his side. His actions spoke clearly about the state of their relationship.
Eve’s eyes widened. She straightened, glancing first into Nate’s gaze then to Kaitlyn’s.
Tank slipped his arm around Eve in silent support.
Seconds ticked by.
Kaitlyn trembled imperceptibly at his side.
Suddenly Eve’s face broke into a shining smile. “I’m sorry. You shocked me. I’ve never seen Nate with a girl before.”
Tank stood his ground while Eve glided forward and wrapped her arms around Kaitlyn. “I’m so happy for you.”
Kaitlyn stiffened when Eve touched her.
Nate figured that was only natural since it had been years since she’d known the affection of another woman. But she quickly adjusted, and his heart squeezed as she hugged Eve back fiercely. “I thought you might hate me,” she whispered.
Eve shook her head. After a long while, they pulled back. “We’ll talk about it,” Eve said. “But not here.” She glanced around at the crowded room.
More than a few people were staring at them.
“I’m so sorry to hear about your dad and stepmom,” Eve said. “Tank and I are here if you need anything. Bobby and Gary are always welcome at our house, as are you.”
Tank’s hand was once again on Eve’s back. “We can take them home with us now if you want,” he said.
“You’re not staying for the service?”
Tank shook his head. “No. We just got back. It’s been a long trip. But we wanted to come and pay our respects. Eldridge helped me a lot when I first started my own business.”
Nate noticed the lines of fatigue on Eve’s face and the drooping of her shoulders. He looked around for their baby. “Where’s Justice?”
“Isaac stopped in. He has her,” Tank spoke.
Eve’s eyes clouded a little with concern.
Nate kept his arm firmly around Kaitlyn despite the tightening of his stomach. Isaac was the oldest, their father figure, and had always been the most outspoken about Nate needing a woman who wouldn’t rile his temper. Kaitlyn would not have been Isaac’s top pick.
But this was Kaitlyn’s parents’ viewing, and none of that needed sorted out now. Realizing that Karen’s family might want the boys to be at the funeral, he looked down at Kaitlyn. “I’ve got the boys. Unless you need me?”
Bobby, who had been unnaturally quiet, tightened his arms around Nate and kept his head buried in his neck.
She tensed, and he could have kicked himself for his choice of words. Needing him made her weak and since her dad died, she couldn’t stand that. Trouble was, he liked to be needed.
“I’m fine,” Kaitlyn said. Unable to hold Nate’s gaze, she smiled at Eve and Tank again. “I’m so glad you made it back safely.” She continued on, saying something about the garage, and Tank responded. A stilted conversation, but better than a wall of silence.
Finally Tank and Eve walked away.
It was almost time for the seven o’ clock service to start.
Kaitlyn started to walk away.
Nate laid a hand on her arm. “Are you OK?” As she turned to look at him, the dark circles under her eyes caught the light. He grabbed her hand. “Come here.”
Carrying Bobby in one arm, dragging Kaitlyn with the other hand, he exited the main hall and pulled her into a quiet corner by the coat room. Whispering to Bobby, he unlatched his little hands and set him down. Bobby immediately grabbed him around the waist.
Kaitlyn eyed Bobby. “You must feel as if you’re being attacked by leeches. First me, now him.”
“I love you, Kaitlyn.”
Her eyes flashed, and her mouth dropped open.
“I know. My timing’s bad, the place is all wrong, and I should be backing off right now, but I wanted yo
u to know. It’s killing me to see you trying to do this by yourself. I want to take all this pain, and the load you’re carrying, and put it in my own body.” He pulled her closer. Stiff at first, she allowed him to encase her in his arms, allowed her body to rest against his. “Share it with me, please?”
“Kaitlyn. There you are.” Karen’s mother, Gwen, and her father, Todd, hurried over to them.
Nate wanted to groan. His timing truly did suck.
Gwen’s walker made chopping sounds on the tile floor.
Todd hunched forward slightly, as though his back hurt too much to stand straight.
Kaitlyn stepped away from Nate, a guilty flush reddening her cheeks. He stared at her for a few moments longer, frustrated that she was shutting him out, but not knowing what to do about it. He understood she wanted to stand on her own feet, but was it really weakness to stand beside him? Reminding himself that now was not the time to push her, he turned to Karen’s parents.
“There’s my little Bobby.” Gwen reached out long fingers and pinched Bobby’s cheek. Bobby turned his head to the other side and squeezed against Nate.
Gwen’s blood-shot eyes filled with tears, and Nate’s heart twisted for her. Living so far away and with their health issues, they didn’t really know their grandkids. And now their daughter was gone.
Nate scrunched down to Bobby’s level. “Hey, Bud. You know Grammy knew your mommy when your mommy was seven, just like you.”
Bobby’s head turned slightly. “Really?”
“Sure. She can tell you what your mom’s favorite ice cream flavor was, and what books she liked to read, and,” he looked at Gwen, who was listening intently, although tears were streaming down her cheeks.
“She played with trucks, and hated dolls, and anything pink.” Gwen whispered.
“My mom played with trucks?” Bobby held tightly to Nate, but lifted his head to fully face his Grammy.
“Yep.”
“But she always wore dresses. She hated jeans,” Todd rasped.
Bobby looked at his pap.
They continued to engage Bobby by talking about his mom.
Nate listened to their reminiscences, but his mind was on Kaitlyn, standing in the background. At least she hadn’t left. As Bobby asked his grandparents more questions, Nate glanced up at her. She stared at him as if she’d never seen him before. He tried to read her expression, tried to let her know she wasn’t alone, that he was just as there for her as he was for Bobby. But maybe that was what her problem was. He was too available. And she didn’t want someone coddling her. Nate looked away. He needed to step back. He knew it. If he wanted Kaitlyn, he needed to accept her as she was. Independent.
Turbocharged Page 21
