“What do you want to do for dinner tonight?” I sat down next to her on the couch in the living room.
“I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine.” She sounded the way she always did, distracted.
“Come on, let’s get dressed and go out.” We hadn’t been out together since her last doctor’s appointment.
“Yeah, okay.” The look on her face told me she didn’t want to go out at all. But I was happy to see her making the effort for me.
I made a few phone calls and got us into a place I knew she would appreciate before joining her in the bathroom.
She was in the shower, her back to me, face in the stream of water. I sucked in a breath at the sight of all of her creamy skin through the glass shower door. It had been too long since we had made love. I missed her.
I undressed quickly and slipped in behind her, running my hands down her sides. She yelped and turned around quickly.
“Sorry.” I smiled sheepishly. “Didn’t mean to scare you. I saw you in here and couldn’t help myself. Do you mind?”
She shook her head, and for a split second, I saw a little of my wife in her expression. A slow simmering heat behind her eyes. She missed me, too.
“Tell me if you don’t want this, Kitten, because I want it so bad,” I whispered as I backed her against the tiled wall. My lips brushed against her collarbone, and she shivered.
“I want it.” That was all I needed. I slid my hands up her waist and cupped her breasts, bringing my mouth down to lick and bite.
Blowing out a shaky breath, she pressed my face closer to her skin.
“Missed you,” I murmured against her chest. “Need you.” I let my teeth graze and nip as I moved my mouth up to hers.
“Missed you, too.” She threw her arms around my shoulders and pressed her lips against mine again.
“Do you want to finish this in here or on the bed?” I prayed she said the bed; I didn’t want it to be over so soon.
“The bed.” She sighed as I dipped my fingers down between her legs.
I was going to make this good for her, the best she ever had. I wanted to show her how much I loved her. I had shoved the shower door open before she had turned off the water, and the floor was drenched as I dragged us both out. I didn’t care, I just wanted her, wanted to bury myself so deep.
I took her mouth, our tongues twirling in a dance. I never broke the kiss as I carried her into the bedroom and laid her down on the bed.
I had been hoping to take my time with her, but she had other plans. I groaned as her hands closed around me. “Be careful, Kitten, it’s been a while. If you keep that up, I won’t last for long.”
“I don’t want slow and sweet tonight, baby. I need you to make me feel again. Remind me who I am. I need it fast, and I need it now,” she growled before lying down below me.
Fuck. She looked so damn sexy, spread out before me. If she wanted fast and rough, I was sure as hell going to do my best to give it to her.
I yanked her hips up around my waist and took everything she offered and more. I had been starving before, and I didn’t even realize it.
I moved the way she liked, pressing into all the sensitive spots. Her eyes flew open, but she didn’t see me, she was too lost in her own pleasure. “That’s it, Kitten, just feel it.” I leaned down and licked the seam of her lips before biting down on her lower lip. She screamed and arched her back off the bed, raking her nails down my back.
“Do you think you’ve got one more in you?” I whispered, increasing the speed of my hips, filling her completely, feeling every inch of her.
“Don’t worry about me, baby, just take what you need.” She held me close, kissing my cheeks and lips. Sighing in pleasure as I did what she commanded.
When we were both sated, lying next to each other breathing heavy, I felt the distance closing in again. She was withdrawing from me, going back to the safe place in her head she had been living.
“Stay with me tonight,” I begged.
“I’m with you right now,” she answered as she rolled off the bed.
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.” My anger was rising.
“I don’t know what you mean.” She stalked off to the bathroom.
Shit. I didn’t want to pick a fight with her. But I needed her to understand what this was doing to me. It wasn’t just her affected by this.
“Grace, stop.” I followed her into the bathroom and found her mopping up the water with towels. “Don’t pull away again. I need you.” I knew I was pleading, but I didn’t care. “We’re in this together. Stop acting like you’re the only one who’s hurting.”
She stilled, and I wondered if my words were too harsh. “I’m trying to figure all this out, Logan. I guess I’ve been doing a shitty job of it. All that I seem to do is hurt people anymore. You, Faith. I don’t know how to be me right now.” She sat down on the heap of wet towels.
“I’m not asking for you to be perfect or to be happy all the time. All that I want is for you to let me in. Stop shutting me out.” I squatted down next to her. “Can you try?”
She nodded, a nervous smile on her lips. “I’ll try.”
“Good. Now let’s get showered off and dressed so we can make our reservations.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the shower with me the sound of her laughter as the cold water hit her back made the weight in my stomach feel lighter.
I wouldn’t tell her where we were going for dinner. But I knew she would be happy. The limo pulled up in front of the door and a brilliant smile lit her face. It was like the sun, the radiance of it warmed my heart.
I had brought her to my friend’s restaurant, the one we had come to with Faith when she had come to find me last year.
“You can be so romantic, you know that right?” She leaned her head against my shoulder as we walked past the line and inside.
Instead of the kitchen, they had put us in one of the private rooms in the back. Once we were seated, I made my play.
“Tonight, let’s just be us again. No fertility talk, nothing about your sister. Just us.” I held her hand across the table.
“I’m sorry. I forget sometimes that there is life outside of what we are going through. It’s so easy to become consumed with it.”
“I know.” I did know. I was guilty of it, too.
“Did I tell you that Hope called yesterday?” She ran her finger along the rim of her water glass.
“No. What’s going on with her?”
“She’s going to give John another chance.” She smiled. I knew she had been pulling for him. Even though she hated what he had done to her sister, she loved him still.
“I’m a little surprised. Hope was so anti-John for so long. How did he finally win her over?” My shoulders relaxed, weeks of tension slowly leaving.
“He wore her down. He calls all the time and is at the house whenever my mom lets him in. I knew it was only a matter of time. Hope is the love of his life, and I think she knew he would never give up. She didn’t want him to, their love is worth fighting for.”
“I’m happy to hear they are giving it another go. I like John a lot, even from the start.”
She grinned, “You mean when you broke his nose?”
“Yeah, when I punched him. He deserved it, but I still respected him.” I nodded.
This was what I had been missing. Normal conversation and a smile on her face. Even if it was just for the night, I would take what I could get.
THESE SIDE EFFECTS WERE GOING to be the death of me. If I was a crazy person before, I was insane now. I either wanted to scream or cry. Poor Logan didn’t know what to do with me. The waiting was so hard. I had taken the blood pregnancy test this morning, and now I had to wait and see if this had worked.
My mom had flown out the night before. She was worried about me.
“Honey, would you stop pacing?” Her tone was anxious. “The results probably won’t come back until tomorrow.”
“I know, Mom. I can’t stop moving, thou
gh. I feel like if I stop, I’ll smash to pieces.”
“Come here.” She held her arms open. I sank to my knees and let her cradle me like a child.
“This is so scary, Mom. All I want is a baby. I never imagined it would be so hard.”
“I know, baby. It’s not meant to be this hard. But you and Logan are so strong, you can get through this.”
I didn’t feel strong. I felt weak and scared. I didn’t believe I could get through this. The thought of none of this working was too much. What if there wouldn’t be a baby? What would we do? How could I ever be happy again?
“What are you thinking?” She stroked my hair.
“Just trying to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario,” I said in a shaky voice.
“What is that?” Her hand stilled.
“That we never have a baby,” I whispered.
“You’ll have a baby, Grace. It’s going to happen.” She sounded so sure.
“You can’t know that, Mom.”
“One way or another, you will have a baby. If you can’t have one of your own, you’ll adopt.” Her tone was matter-of-fact. “You are meant to be a mom, I can feel that in my bones.” She resumed stroking my hair.
“I hope you’re right.” I got up and went into my room to the bathroom. God, I looked terrible with dark circles under my eyes.
I closed the door and sat down on the toilet, relishing being alone for the first time in a week. Logan had been glued to my side for days, and now my mom was replacing him as my shadow.
When I was finished, I did the wipe and look like every woman close to her period does, praying I wouldn’t see anything. There it was on the stark white toilet paper, a smear of bright red. My heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces. I sobbed silently alone in the tiny water closet.
Five minutes later, my mom knocked on the door. “Grace, are you okay in there? You’ve been in there a while.”
I came out long enough to grab a tampon, and then retreated to the bathroom again. The sadness in my mom’s eyes when she saw me broke my heart.
When I finally came out into my room, she was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was a note on my bed.
Grace,
I’m so sorry, honey. I can only imagine what you are feeling right now, and I wish there was something I could do to take away this pain. I know how you are when you’re sad, so much like your father. I’ll be out for a few hours to give you your space. Please call if you want me back sooner. I love you, sweetie.
-Mom
I cried even harder after reading it. She knew me so well. I knew I should call Logan, but I didn’t want to disturb him at work. Instead, I curled up in a ball on the bed and sobbed. I hated myself, and the fact that another month was going by with an empty womb. After an hour, I made myself get up and call Logan.
He answered right away.
“Kitten?” His voice rang through the phone and smashed through the calm I had been feeling.
“It didn’t work,” I whispered through my tears.
“How do you know? Did your results come in already?” I heard his chair scrape against the floor and the sound of him walking.
“My period came.” I spat out the words, hating them.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry, Grace. Tell me what you need.” He sounded so sad.
“I don’t know what I need. For this to be a dream. Can you make that happen?” Tears streamed down my cheeks.
“If I could, I would do that and more, baby. I’m on my way home now. Is your mom with you?” I heard the sound of papers being shuffled.
“No, she went out. She was giving me some space to process this.”
“Okay, hang tight, baby. I’ll be home in thirty minutes. I love you.”
I hung up and sat in the middle of my bed, feeling hollow and broken.
Someone was banging on the door. I trudged to the living room to open it. I expected it to be my mom, but I found Smith instead.
“Shit, bad time?” He gave me a nervous smile.
“Come on in.” I stood aside. I hadn’t even known he was in town.
“You okay? I mean, I can see that you’re not, but are you okay?” He gave me a quick once-over.
“Nope.” I didn’t know what else to say. How did you tell someone that you were dying inside? How did you tell them that you envied what they had, and would give up anything to have a taste of it?
“What’s going on?” He shifted his weight.
“The meds didn’t work.” My voice was flat, emotionless.
“Man, that sucks. I’m sorry, Grace.” He took a step toward me, his arms opened a bit, like he wanted to hug me.
I held up a hand. I couldn’t let him hug me. I was somewhat calm right now and by hugging me, he would ruin that.
“Are you alone?”
He knew exactly what I meant by that and shook his head. “She’s at my place right now. I was coming by to see if you and your mom wanted to come to lunch with us. But now…” he trailed off.
“Mom’s out, not sure where. I’m sure she’ll go.” I looked away. I didn’t want to tell him how badly it would hurt to see Faith.
“Will it always be like this with you two?” I knew she was his priority, and I couldn’t blame him for asking.
“I don’t have an answer to that.”
“This is killing her, Grace. The distance between you two is really hard for her. She’s been a wreck this whole month.”
I was suddenly angry. Maybe it was irrational of me, but I didn’t care. “Don’t you think I know that? Of course, it’s hard on her. It’s fucking murder for me. I want to be happy for her, I want to be so damn ecstatic that I’m going to be an aunt again. But, I can’t. Hearing her, and how happy she is, hurts me. It’s like a knife being twisted. I know it’s selfish, and I should think about her and how this affects her, too, but I can’t seem to make myself do it.”
He opened his mouth to speak and the shut it again for a moment. We stared at each other in silence. “She gets it, Grace.”
“No, she doesn’t get it. No one fucking gets it. Not Faith, not my mom, not the nice, well-meaning people who tell me to just relax and it will happen. I can’t fucking relax. I can’t stop worrying. I can’t.” I was surprised at the vehemence in my voice, apparently I was still capable of feelings at this point.
“She wants to try and understand,” he said softly.
“God, Smith, I know that. I know she wants to try. I’m just not ready to see her, okay?” I hated what this was turning into. Even to myself, I sounded angry.
“Will you at least think about it?” His shoulders drooped slightly. I knew he had expected more, but I didn’t have that to give at the moment.
“No.” I shook my head. I had to protect myself, and seeing Faith right now would destroy me.
His mouth set in a firm line. We stood staring at each other, both of us pissed off. Logan came in a moment later, and we both turned to look at him.
“Whoa. What did I just walk into?” He walked to me and pressed a kiss to my lips.
“Smith was just leaving.” My tone was firm, leaving no wiggle room.
“Grace…” he started.
“No. I’m not changing my mind right now. Think about it from my perspective. Would you really want to hang out with someone super blissed out and happy who had what you wanted more than anything in the world but couldn’t have it?” I had gone from angry to sad in a split second. I loved my sister so much, but I couldn’t be who she needed me to be right now.
“This isn’t good for her. All the worry and the sadness. I need to do whatever I can to help her. She’s my priority.” This was a tricky situation for him, and I didn’t want it to drive a wedge between him and Logan.
“And Grace is mine. I think you should go, Smith. Grace says no, so leave it for now.” He meant business.
Smith looked like he wanted to argue.
“I said leave it, Smith. I’ll call you later. Love is waiting for you in my car downstairs.” His tone
was harsh, angry.
He nodded and left.
“What was all that?” Logan asked gently.
“He wants me to see her. I just can’t right now.” I felt defeated. No matter what I did, I disappointed someone.
“Okay. So you’ll see her when you’re ready, and they’ll both just have to deal with that.” He nodded and pulled me into his arms.
“Don’t be mad at him,” I whispered. Smith was as much a part of his family as Leah was. I didn’t want this to come between them.
“He and I will deal with this later. I only care about you and how you’re feeling right now.”
I let him pull me into our room and sat on the bed while he changed out of his suit and into a pair of sweats.
“Come on, come to bed and let me hold you.” He slid into bed and opened his arms. I climbed in next to him and let him hold me while I cried.
SMITH AND I NEEDED TO figure out a game plan for our women. This situation was rapidly getting out of hand, and I wanted to nip it in the bud before any more damage was done. We had a doctor’s appointment soon, but I knew my mind would be easier if I at least tried to fix things with Smith. I called him while Grace was in the shower.
“Hey.” He sounded tired.
“Look, we need to figure this out.” I sighed.
“I know. It’s no good for either of them. What do you suggest?”
“I’ll work on Grace a bit, but you need to tell Faith to cool it for now. It’s not helping anything for her to push this so much,” I said carefully.
“She’s not pushing; it’s me who was pushing. I just hate to see her sad about this, and I thought that maybe if I could talk to Grace she would understand.”
“I’m going to try my best to explain this to you in a way you will understand. Grace is lost to this; all she thinks about is having a baby and wondering why nothing is working. We’ve done four rounds of the pills, each dose higher than the last, and all that we have to show for it is weird vision changes for her. She blames herself. Even if she doesn’t voice it to me, I know she does. So seeing Faith have exactly what she wants without even trying is hard for her. She doesn’t hate her, or even begrudge her the happiness, but it hurts her all the same.” I hoped he would understand me and get why things were dicey.
Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set Page 24
