I picked up another test and saw the same thing. I had five tests with faint lines on them. Tears fell down my cheeks. I was pregnant, and I loved the little life inside of me already.
“I’m going to love you so much.” I laid a hand over my midsection and spoke to the ball of cells that was growing into my baby.
I had to tell Logan. It was 9:30 so he was at work already. I scooped up all the tests and threw some clothes on quickly. I looked a hot mess, but I didn’t care.
I ran down the hall to the elevator and then down to hail a cab. I gave the cabbie the address and sat clutching the bundle of white sticks in my hand. As we drove, I got more and more excited.
When he pulled up in front of the building I realized I had left without my wallet.
“I forgot my purse.” I blurted as I opened my door.
“Hey, wait!” he yelled.
“Do you know this building?”
He nodded.
“That’s my last name on it. Stay here and someone will be down to pay you okay?”
He looked me over. “Your last name’s McFadden?” He didn’t believe me.
“Yes. Grace fucking McFadden!” I yelled back. “I’m in a hurry. Stay put and someone will be down.” I bolted before he could protest further, but I heard him coming after me.
He caught up to me halfway through the lobby. Security swarmed around us in an instant.
“Is everything okay, Mrs. McFadden?” Scott, the head of security asked.
“Fine, Scott. I forgot my wallet at home, and he doesn’t believe I am who I say I am. But really, I can’t blame him with how I look right now.” I laughed. “Can someone please pay and tip him for me? Logan will pay you back when he comes down.”
“Don’t worry about it at all. You go on up.” He nodded and motioned to the elevators.
“Thanks, Scott!” I kissed his cheek and ran to the elevators.
James was waiting for me when I stepped off. “What kind of commotion did you cause in the lobby, Grace?” he asked with a laugh.
“The usual, you know how I roll, James. Is he in?” I prayed that he was. It never occurred to me on the way over that he could be gone.
“Yeah, but he’s got someone in there with him.”
I nodded and went to the door anyway. I didn’t care who was in there, I just wanted to tell him we were going to have a baby. I burst through the door and both Logan and the other man looked up.
“Grace?” He got up from his chair.
“Sorry to interrupt.” I ran to him.
“Are you okay?” He looked me over to see if I was injured or what the problem was.
“More than okay.” I smiled and held out the pregnancy tests for him to see.
“Mark, I’ll call you tomorrow and we can finish this?”
“Of course.” Mark excused himself.
“What am I looking at here, Kitten?” He squinted down at the white sticks.
“See those lines?” I pointed to them.
“Yeah.”
“That means we’re going to have a baby. I’m pregnant, Logan!” The tears started falling again.
He caught me up in a hug and swung me around in a circle. “Really? We’re having a baby?” His eyes were shining.
“Really.” I kissed him.
“We did it, baby.” He kissed me all over—my eyes, my cheeks, my lips.
My heart was so full, I thought it would burst. We had really done it. After all of the heartache, we were going to be parents.
“I still need to get the blood test and all that. This is way early to find out, too. But five tests don’t lie.”
“No, they sure don’t.” He stared down at the tests again. “When do you go get the blood test?”
“I have to call Dr. Welsh and set it up. I came right over after taking the tests. I didn’t even shower.” I motioned to my crazy appearance.
“I think you look beautiful.” He kissed me, his hands fisted in my hair. He packed so much love into that one kiss that I was breathless when he pulled away.
I picked up his desk phone and called Dr. Welsh’s office to set up the test. They told me to come right down and take it. Logan and I scrambled down to the limo giggling like little kids. Both of us were so giddy.
After the labs had been done, we went home and celebrated with a day curled up in bed talking and dreaming about what our baby would be like.
The next morning, they called with my results. I was pregnant, but my levels were low. They said it was really early still, so not to worry. I was scheduled to come in the next morning to test again.
I tried not to worry, but really that was easier said than done. Logan worked from home so he could be with me during the day.
“I can see the wheels turning in your head over there,” he said from across the table. We were both set up on our laptops in the kitchen.
“I’m just trying to keep my mind occupied until tomorrow’s test.” I was a ball of anxiety.
“There’s nothing you can do about it no matter what, right? So, worrying about it is only going to hurt you. No Googling anything.” He gave me his best stern look.
“I’m not on Google.” I quickly exited the screen I was on.
“Kitten, I’m serious. Please don’t go looking up why you have low levels. Dr. Welsh said it was still really early.”
I nodded. I had peed on more tests this morning and the lines were lighter than they had been the day before. I didn’t tell him about that. So, now I was in agony worrying about what it could mean.
Everything I had read told me that your levels were supposed to double every other day. And that pee tests had varying degrees of sensitivity so I shouldn’t be stressing about it just yet.
The rest of the day slipped by in a blur of anxiety and worry. Logan did his best to keep me occupied with movies and begging me to try out my new pots and pans and make something for dinner. It worked for the most part, but the nagging worry was still there in the back of my mind.
We were at the lab when they opened at 7:30 the next morning. Dr. Welsh had told me if we went early, I would get my results by lunchtime. I had peed on more tests before we left and the line was almost nonexistent. I was sick to my stomach as they took my blood. I knew what the results would be.
Logan knew something was wrong, but I wouldn’t tell him what. We were losing this baby, I knew we were. I just had to wait until the results came in to be sure.
“Do you want to go to Williams-Sonoma?” he prodded.
“No.” I stared blankly out the window, trying not to break down.
“Kitten, tell me what’s wrong.” He turned me so I was forced to look at him.
“We’re losing the baby,” I said in a flat voice.
“What? You can’t know that. We just took the test, Grace,” he tried to reassure me.
I shook my head, and a few tears slipped down my cheeks. “No, I do know. I’ve been taking the pee tests every day. The line is going away.” I choked on the words, hating myself for having to say them.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He took me into his arms and held me tight.
“I wasn’t sure until this morning,” I whispered.
“Well, you still don’t know for sure.” He said in a matter-of-fact voice. My Logan, so logical. He wouldn’t believe it until Dr. Welsh told us.
I didn’t bother arguing with him about it. I let him drag me around the city for the whole morning. I knew he needed to do this to keep his mind occupied.
My phone buzzed at 11:30. It was Dr. Welsh’s office.
“Grace?” It was Dr. Welsh herself.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“Well, we got your results and I’m afraid they aren’t what we want. Your number has dropped from twenty-five to seven.”
“Okay. So what does that mean then? What do we do about it?” I tried to stay calm.
“There’s nothing to be done at this point. You’re having what we call a chemical pregnancy. That means that the embryo didn�
��t attach itself to your uterine wall for some reason.” She sounded sympathetic.
I passed the phone to Logan, I couldn’t talk anymore. My world had dropped out under my feet.
“Dr. Welsh? This is Logan. Grace can’t talk.” He paused and listened for a moment.
“Okay, I’ll have her call the office in a few days to schedule her next appointment.
Chemical pregnancy. Such a clinical world for the crashing down of all of my hopes and dreams. It didn’t matter that I never heard the heartbeat or felt it move, this was still my baby and I had loved it and it was mine.
“Kitten.” Logan’s voice was hoarse. I could see the tears slip down his cheeks. He had loved this baby, too.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Why are you sorry?” he asked.
“For losing your baby,” I sobbed.
MY HEART WAS BREAKING IN two. All of this was too much. I hated myself and what I couldn’t give him. After losing the baby the month before, I had thrown myself into trying again. I was determined to give Logan a baby. No one ever fully understood, not even Logan. Sure, he was in it with me, but he wasn’t in my body. The body that I used to think was beautiful was now pumped full of hormones and covered in pinpricks from daily shots. The weight piled on, and the tears felt like they would never stop.
I sat in our apartment, staring out the window. Once again we were unsuccessful. Another month of failure for me. There was nothing inside of me but emptiness. All of the years I was on birth control, when in reality it never would have mattered since I couldn’t get pregnant anyway. The realization that all of this was for nothing was slowly dawning on me. There would be no baby; I needed to stop deluding myself into thinking there would be. I just wanted to cry and be left alone, but Logan had seen to it that I wasn’t. He had called my mom to come, but she couldn’t so Faith had flown in the night before and was walking on eggshells around me.
“Honey, do you want some breakfast?” she called from the kitchen.
I didn’t answer; I couldn’t make myself speak. I loved her so much, but seeing her right now was rubbing salt in the wound. I didn’t blame her for the child she carried, or maybe I did, and that made me hate myself even more. I grabbed my coat and fled the apartment. I couldn’t be strong today. I couldn’t put on a smile and pretend I was okay, because I wasn’t. I was light years from okay.
I walked the streets, a ghost of who I used to be. I worried that this would break us, that my inability to give him a baby would be the end of the happiness we shared. I watched as happy couples with little tiny bundles wrapped up against the cold strolled through the streets. What did they have that I didn’t? Why did they get a baby? I ached for it, to feel a life inside of me. The tiny kicks and movements. I wanted it so bad.
The phone in my pocket buzzed. I knew it was Logan without even looking at it.
“Where are you? Faith said you left.” His voice dripped with concern. It was his permanent tone these days.
“I’m out walking. I know what you were trying to do when you brought her out here, but I wish you hadn’t. It hurts me to look at her, Logan. It kills me that she has the one thing I want most right now. And then I hate myself for feeling that way, for being jealous of my own sister and her happiness.” The tears fell again. I didn’t care what I looked like, or what anyone thought.
“Kitten.” His voice was thick. “I didn’t realize that it would be so hard for you. What can I do? Tell me how I can help and I’ll do it.” He sounded desperate.
“Give me a baby,” I whispered before hanging up. I didn’t blame him for this because it was my fault. I was the source of all of our misery and heartache.
Neither of us could give the other what they needed right now. I walked and walked, going nowhere in particular. I just needed to be alone. Even with the crush of people around me, I felt alone. No one was looking at me with sad eyes, saying they understood my struggle. They couldn’t.
At some point, Logan fell into step beside me. I didn’t know how he found me, but I wasn’t surprised. His fingers intertwined themselves with mine, and we walked in silence for a few blocks. His strength sustained me for the moment. He could be strong for me right now.
“Tell me how I can help you. I can’t watch you die inside every day, Grace.” His voice was steady.
I leaned my head on his shoulder while we walked. “I don’t know. I feel like a crazy person most days. I don’t feel like me anymore. I’m sure as hell not the woman you married. I don’t know who I am at this point.”
“I don’t care who you are, Kitten. I signed up for better or worse. This is just one of the times when it’s not sunshine and roses all the time. As long as we have each other, we can get through anything.” He stopped and took me in his arms. His lips brushed against my cheek.
I wanted to believe him so badly. I needed to hold on to his words, hold them deep inside, and hope that we would get through to the other side.
“You believe me right?” He took my cheeks in his hands and looked into my eyes.
“I want to,” I said softly.
“Hold on to me when things get too hard. I can be strong when you can’t. Lean on me, Kitten. Let me in. I can’t live on the outside anymore. It’s been months. I’m hurting, too. I want this as much as you do.” I could see the pain in his eyes.
Logan. My heart, the breath in my lungs. “I love you,” I whispered.
“I know you do. I love you, too. Please just let me in.” He placed his hand on my heart. “I miss you.”
I missed me, too. “This will get better.” I hoped that I wasn’t lying.
“Come on.” He took my hand again, and we walked to the limo that was waiting on the curb. I smiled, he was so practical.
He helped me in first and slid in next to me. I leaned my cheek against his chest, the wool of his suit felt scratchy. He had dropped everything to be with me.
“What were you doing when you called?” I snuggled against him.
“I was in a meeting when Faith called. I told them I had to go.”
“Logan, you have to work. Things can’t just stop for me.”
“Why the hell not? I own the fucking company. I can stop when I need to. And today I needed to. You needed me more than they did.” He tipped my lips up to his. “I told you before, I’ll always come when you need me.”
“I don’t want to go home,” I whispered. The thought of seeing Faith made me sick to my stomach. I hated this. I couldn’t stand the distance between us anymore. I wanted to be over the moon for her, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t force a smile anymore.
“I know you don’t. We’re not going home today. I spoke to your sister. We’re going to stay in a hotel tonight and take care of each other. We both need it.”
“I feel awful about Faith.”
“She understands.”
Of course she did, she was a better person than I was. Every time I pushed her away, she came running back with open arms.
“I hate this. Feeling this all the time,” I said in a small voice. All I did anymore was hurt people. I wasn’t the Grace I used to be.
“I know.” He stroked my hair as we watched the buildings streak by. “For just tonight, let’s be you and me again. How we were before all of this started.”
I could give him that. I couldn’t remember the last time we made love for fun. It was all about schedules and fertile windows. There was no fun or romance in it. I forgot that sex with him was amazing. Letting him take me to places I had never been. Soaring together. He needed this today; I could feel how desperate he was for me. When I let myself think about it, I felt the same. I didn’t want this distance between us to grow into something we couldn’t come back from.
Logan got out when the limo pulled in front of the Plaza. I looked down and was horrified to see I was in sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt. My hair was a stringy rat’s nest, and I didn’t have any make-up on. I was beyond embarrassed.
“Ready? We’re all set.” He
leaned back through the car door.
“Yeah, can we hurry? I’m a mess and kind of embarrassed.”
“Who cares what they think?” he challenged.
I did. Or at least I used to be the kind of person who cared what I looked like when I left the house.
I sighed and slid across the seat toward the door. His arm was around me as soon as I was upright. Protective, always there.
When the elevator doors slid closed, sealing us inside, I let out a sigh and sagged against him. I was so tired. I never slept anymore, and when I did, the dreams I had were anything but restful.
Of course, he had rented out the Penthouse Suite. We walked right out into the stunning living room area. All decorated in shades of cream. I didn’t care about the beauty, I just wanted to rest.
Without speaking, I went in and sat down on one of the big couches. I felt hollow inside. Dead. This was no way to live. I just didn’t know how to get better.
“Let me ask you a question.” He sat down opposite me.
“Okay.” My tone was wary.
“Is this still what you want?”
“Is what still what I want?” I knew what he meant; I just wanted him to say the words to me. For some reason, I needed him to say them.
“All of this. The trying, all of the hormones. Is it still what you want? I don’t want you to kill yourself over this because you think you owe it to me. I love you no matter what, if we have kids or not.” He studied me as I absorbed his words.
“I want a baby. Plain and simple. Do I want all of this? No, I really don’t. I wish so much that I didn’t have to stick myself with needles every day. And that every time I got my period I didn’t cry. I miss being happy. I miss just being us.” I put my face in my hands.
“We can stop at any time, baby. Or take a break. It doesn’t have to be now or never.” His voice was gentle.
“Do you want to stop? Is that what this is?” I was terrified he would say yes. I got up and paced the floor.
Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set Page 27
