“I don’t want you to be sad today. Only smiles from now on, okay?” He tipped my chin up so I would look at him.
“Okay.”
He walked me back home so he could get to his meeting on time. I wandered through the apartment and into the empty room that one day I hoped would be the nursery. I needed a break from this. Feeling sad all the time had taken one hell of a toll on me.
At that moment, I made the decision that this would be our last month on the hormones for a while. I felt the tears slide down my cheeks. I didn’t want to give up, but I was terrified I would lose myself if I pushed anymore.
I MADE A PROMISE TO myself after the insemination that I wouldn’t do any pee tests this time. It just broke my heart to see one line on the stark white background. Logan was going to the lab with me for the blood test to see if this month had worked. I told him that he didn’t need to go because all they were doing was taking the blood. But he took the whole day off to spend it with me.
“You ready to roll, Kitten?” He stepped out of the bathroom in jeans and a v neck sweater. Dear Lord, he was sexy. Ever since I made the choice to take a break from all the trying, my outlook on life had brightened. I no longer dreaded what the month would bring because I wasn’t expecting any certain outcome.
“Yeah.” I lay on the bed watching him as he moved through our room.
“You don’t look ready; you look like you want to stay in bed all day.” He grinned.
“I kind of do, but we can do that after this blood test.” Butterflies flew around in my stomach.
“Come on; let’s go see the vampires, then.” He had taken to calling the lab techs that.
We went when they first opened so we would have the results back early. I hated the waiting. I was happy when we got my favorite lab tech Ginger.
“How are we feeling today?” She smiled as she put the tourniquet on my arm.
“Nervous.” I grimaced.
“I have a good feeling about you this month.” She patted my hand before cleaning my arm with the alcohol swag.
“Let’s hope you’re right.” I winced slightly as she inserted the needle and took my blood.
“All right, all done here. Dr. Welsh will call you later today with your results.”
I nodded, and Logan and I wandered back out to the car.
“So, back to bed?” He smiled hopefully.
“What will you give me if I say yes?”
“Hmm, what do you want?” He pulled me against him, and I could feel exactly how excited he was about the prospect of spending the day in bed with me.
“Mmm, I don’t know. Maybe we should just go shopping or something.” I put a finger to my lips.
“Shopping can wait. I can’t,” he growled and scooped me up into his arms and practically threw me into the back of the car.
“Logan!” I giggled when he descended on me in the back of the limo.
“What?” He looked at me with an innocent expression before nuzzling into my neck.
“Mmm, nothing. Keep doing that,” I sighed as he pressed kisses to my collarbone.
When the car stopped in front of our building Logan sat up and looked down at his lap. “Do these jeans effectively hide my thunder?”
I laughed. They certainly did not hide anything. “Not even a little bit. Better hold your jacket in front of you.” I couldn’t stop giggling as he gingerly got out of the car and tried to hold his jacket in front of him with one hand and reach for me with the other.
We raced through the lobby to the elevators, both of us laughing uncontrollably. I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed that hard at anything. The laughter shifted to lust in the blink of an eye. The look on his face told me exactly what he wanted once we got inside and it shot a fiery arrow right to my center.
Logan fumbled with the keys and we practically fell through the front door. We tore at each other’s clothes, both wanting to feel skin on skin contact.
He had me against the wall, my legs wrapped around his waist. This was quick and hard, the way I needed it today. Both of us were selfish, taking what we needed without caring if it was too much for the other.
I craved the times when he lost control and took me. He was rough and wild and took me to places I didn’t know existed.
“Tell me if this is too much.” His teeth scraped against my earlobe.
We slipped to the floor, and I knew my knees would hate me for it later. My hand pressed flat to the hardwood as he gripped my hips and pushed me to my limits.
I screamed out my pleasure and melted into the floor below me as fireworks went off behind my eyes and a liquid warmth spread over me.
“Remember me now?” I turned back to look at him as he sat back on his knees panting.
“Yeah, I remember you now.” He leaned forward and cupped my cheek before helping me to my feet.
After a long steamy shower, both of us were squeaky clean and in pajamas snuggled up in bed.
“Thank you,” he whispered into my hair.
“For what?” I snuggled closer to him.
“For coming back to me.” He kissed the top of my head.
“I never left you, baby. I was just a little lost for a bit.” I reached up and touched his cheek, loving the raspy feel of his stubble.
My phone rang from the living room, and I sprinted into the other room to grab it. I was immediately nervous when I saw that it was Dr. Welsh.
“Did the results come back already?” I looked up and found Logan standing next to me.
“They did. I’m happy to say that it looks like you’re pregnant, Grace. Your level is at fifty-eight right now. We’ll have you come in a day from now to repeat the test, but so far I’m happy with that number.”
“Really? This is for real?” I whispered, totally in shock.
“It looks that way. Just try and relax and don’t forget your prenatals. We’ll see you day after tomorrow for more labs, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks for calling, Dr. Welsh.” I pressed the end button and turned to Logan.
“What did she say?” He looked at me expectantly.
“I’m pregnant.” Tears fell down my cheeks. I was so happy, yet terrified to let myself love this little life because of what happened last time.
“Kitten, that’s the best news ever.” He hugged me tight. “What are you thinking right now?”
“I’m really happy, but totally scared at the same time. I don’t want to lose this one, too.” My hand went to my abdomen.
“It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared, too. What else did she say?” I put his hand on top of mine.
“That my number right now is solid and to come back the day after tomorrow for more labs. I’m going to be a nervous wreck until I get those results. I want to be over the moon happy right now, but I’m too nervous to be happy.”
“That’s totally understandable. We’ll just take it a day at a time for now. Come on, let’s go back to bed and watch some trashy reality TV.”
He must really love me since he hated all those reality shows that I loved. I let him lead me back to our room and tuck me into the bed before sliding in next to me.
The next day was all about distraction. Logan did everything he could to keep my mind off things. He even made me come to work with him, telling me that he needed my help organizing something in his office.
“Um, isn’t this why you pay James?” I asked from the pile of file folders I was wading through.
“Could be.” He was distracted by something on his computer screen.
“Could be what?” I prodded.
“I’m sorry, what did you ask me to begin with?” He smiled sheepishly.
“I said, isn’t this what you pay James for?”
“Yes, it is. But you are far more attractive than James. Plus, you wouldn’t sue me for sexual harassment if I said I would pay you in sexual favors.”
“Yeah, the lawsuit would be kind of annoying.” I grinned and went to sit in his lap.
“I think I
like this sexy secretary thing you have going on.” He gave my butt a squeeze.
“Why, Mr. McFadden, that kind of behavior will not be tolerated,” I playfully chided him.
“And just what are you going to do about? File a claim with HR?” He gave me his best stern look. The one he gives all of his employees, his world ruler look.
“Maybe I will.” I leaned across him to grab the phone, and he swatted my hand away. I had to say, he was doing a really good job of distracting me.
When we finally dragged ourselves away from the office at seven, I was too tired to do much more than eat a quick dinner before I fell asleep on the couch. I didn’t even stir when Logan picked me up and carried me to bed.
The next morning, I sent Logan off to work before I went to get my lab work done. He tried to come with me, but I wasn’t having any of it. Ginger drew my blood again, and I was in and out within five minutes.
To occupy my time, I wandered along Fifth Avenue and dreamed of the maybe baby inside of me. I wanted to hope so badly but hope led into dangerous territory. My phone beeped in my purse. I checked and it was a text from Charity.
Charity: What’s up?
Me: Not much, what about you?
Charity: Feeling homesick, will you come and get me?
Me: Did something happen?
Charity: No, just wanna come home. I miss normal food and American accents.
Me: Say the word and I’ll send the jet.
Charity: Promise?
Me: Pinky swear. How’s Jude? Still dreamy?
Charity: The dreamiest. He wants me to move in with him this summer. I told him I’d think about it. I wanted to come home for at least some of the time, but now I don’t know.
I sat staring at the screen for a moment, figuring out what I wanted to say as a reply.
Me: Home will always be here but will he if you decide not to move in with him? Sometimes it’s scary to take that next step, but you need to just close your eyes and jump in.
Charity: *Sigh* You’re right, I know you’re right. And p.s. when did you start sounding like a self-help seminar?
Me: Shut it. Take the damn advice and be happy about it.
Charity: Fine, consider it taken. Any baby news on your front?
God, the one question I had been dreading. I always hated being asked that. I wanted to be like, Don’t think I would tell you if there was something to tell? And maybe this time there would be something to tell, but it was way too soon at the moment. And yet… I sat down on a bench and steeled myself for the words I was about to type.
Me: I think I’m pregnant
Less than a minute later my phone rang and the familiar voice of my sister rang through loud and clear.
“What! How did you not lead off with that? Why did you not call me?” she screeched.
“It’s so early that it may turn into nothing like before. I shouldn’t have even told you just now, but there it is.” I felt the sliver of hope in my heart starting to expand.
“How early is early?”
“I would be like four weeks if it’s real this time.” I pulled at a loose thread on my sweater.
“Wow, okay. So when will you find out for sure?” Her tone was gentle.
“I went in for my second labs today, so within the day.”
“Okay. You’ll call me when you know? Or have Logan text or whatever if you can’t do it?” She sounded so anxious. I knew how I had been to talk to the past few months. Everyone treated me like I was made of glass.
“I promise that someone will call you. And you, promise me that you’ll think long and hard about Jude’s offer. He’s a great guy, and you two are awesome together.” I needed to change the subject, talking about the maybe baby was getting me too excited.
“I will. Okay, I need to run, class is about to start. I love you, sweets.”
“Love you back, baby doll.” I smiled as I pressed the end button. I missed her. I wished she lived in the states so a flight to see her was only an hour or so and not all day.
I got up and resumed my meandering, enjoying the hustle and bustle of the busy sidewalks.
WE HAD REALLY DONE IT this time. Grace was pregnant. Her numbers had doubled every two days for a week before they stopped having her come in to test them. To say she was happy would be an understatement. She was exuberant, as radiant as the sun.
Today was the first ultrasound where we would get to see what we had made together. I couldn’t wait. After everything we had gone through, I really felt like I was dreaming.
“Logan, come on, we need to leave,” she called from the living room. Neither of us had slept much the night before. We had lain awake contemplating about who our baby would look more like.
She followed me around the house, hounding me until I was finally ready to go.
“Sorry, I’m just really excited.” She kissed my cheek in the elevator.
“It’s okay. I’m excited, too.” I squeezed her hand as we walked out into the waiting car.
They brought us back pretty much right away, which was good because I didn’t think Grace could have taken much of a wait. They gave her a gown, and we waited for Dr. Welsh to come do the ultrasound.
“Nervous?” I asked her after she had changed and hopped up on the table.
“Not even, I’ve done more of these than most women in America.” She laughed.
I often forgot how invasive this whole process was for her because she didn’t talk about it. Not for the first time I thanked my lucky stars it wasn’t the man who was responsible for conceiving. Women were far stronger than men.
Dr. Welsh breezed into the room with a megawatt smile, and we got right down to business.
“You ready to see this little one?” She grinned as she positioned the probe for a better view.
I couldn’t really tell what we were looking at, but Grace could. She gripped my hand tight as tears fell down her cheeks.
“You see this big black thing here?” Dr. Welsh pointed out. “That’s the amniotic sac, and right there in the center is your baby.”
My breath was stolen from me, could there be anything more amazing than the tiny little heartbeat of my child?
“Do you see that, Logan?” Grace sobbed. “That’s our baby.”
“I see it, baby.” I leaned down to kiss her forehead.
“Judging by the size, I’d say you’re about six weeks along now, but you knew that already.” Dr. Welsh winked at Grace.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the screen and the little beating heart. It was miraculous to me; we had made something together. I loved this little baby intensely already.
“What should we be doing now?” I asked.
“Nothing. Grace, you just need to take it easy. No strenuous workouts for you. Just enjoy this experience.” Dr. Welsh patted Grace on the knee. “I printed out a bunch of pictures for you.” She held out a string of black and white pictures to me which I gratefully accepted.
We were on cloud nine as we walked out into the morning sunlight. Grace couldn’t stop smiling and staring at the pictures in her hand.
“When are we going to tell the family?” I asked.
“I kind of already told Charity.” She smiled sheepishly.
“Really? When?”
“The day of the second blood test. I couldn’t help myself. But she’s sworn to secrecy for now.”
“Do you want to tell everyone now?” I was trying to gauge how she was feeling about it.
“Part of me wants to wait until the second trimester, but it’s going to be too hard not to scream it from the rooftops.”
I knew exactly what she meant. I was so excited. I wanted to call Leah and tell her and then Smith. But I would do whatever she wanted.
“I’m going to call my mom today and tell her. So, if you want to tell Leah and Smith, you can.”
We strolled down the sidewalk hand in hand, feeling as light as air. All the months of heartache and loss were all over. We finally were getting our happy ending
with this. I turned my head to look at her. God, she had never looked more beautiful to me. My wife, the mother of my unborn child. She was a goddess in my eyes.
“What? Do I have something on my face?” She wiped at her cheek.
“You’re just so beautiful.” I stopped walking and took her face in my hands, wanting to memorize this moment.
A slow smile spread on her lips. “What makes you say that?”
“You’re just amazing. And I’m so in love with you.” I kissed her, bending her back in a Hollywood-style kiss. We broke apart to a round of applause, and I didn’t know what made me do it, but I blurted out, “She’s having my baby!”
We continued to walk through shouts of congratulations.
“You’re such a dork, but I love you anyway.” She squeezed my hand.
When we got home, she sat on the couch and pulled her phone out to call her mom. I sat across from her with a magazine. I wasn’t paying attention to what I was reading at all, the joy in her voice made it impossible to see the words on the paper.
“Mom? I have some news,” she started, a huge smile on her face. “I’m pregnant!” she squealed. She paused as her mom spoke, tears dotting her eyelashes and cheeks.
“The doctor says I’m six weeks. We just had our first ultrasound this morning.” She tucked her knees under her.
Her words faded away as memories of Jackson flooded my mind. When Fiona found out she was pregnant, it wasn’t joy that I felt, it was fear. I hadn’t been anywhere near ready to be a father—I was as irresponsible as a person could get.
She hadn’t wanted him right from the start. In fact, she hated him and hated me during her whole pregnancy. I’d never forget the sound of his first cry as he made his way into the world or the feeling of his little hand gripping my finger. He was mine, and I loved him instantly.
There was never a happier baby than Jack, he was always smiling. Fiona was gone almost as soon as we left the hospital, too concerned about getting high again than her son or me. I moved us into a new apartment with Leah for the first few months so she could help me. There were times I thought we wouldn’t make it; that being a single parent was too hard. But he was always worth it to me.
Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set Page 29
