“So, we’ll stop trying then. We’ll have a life together.” I hoped that she believed me when I said that I didn’t need anything else.
“I really hate the person that I’ve become through all of this. I’ve alienated my whole family, pushed you away, and lost myself.”
“I’m still here, Kitten, and I’m not going anywhere. You couldn’t do anything to make me leave you. This was a rough patch, it’s sucked, but it didn’t break us.” I believed that with all my heart. This hadn’t broken us beyond fixing.
“I keep thinking about all that you’ve lost,” she whispered. “I wanted to give you a child of your own. I feel like I’ve failed you.”
“You could never fail me.” I wiped her tears away with my thumbs. “Life doesn’t always work the way we want it to. If it did, I would still have Jackson, and we would have conceived right away. That doesn’t in any way mean that you’ve failed me.” I kissed away her tears.
“I don’t know how to be me anymore, or that I’ll ever be that woman again. After everything we’ve gone through and lost, I’m not that blindly optimistic person I was. Will you help me find the Grace that I am now? Will you still love me even if I’m not the same me? ” She clung to me like a life raft in the middle of the ocean.
“I know who you are still, Kitten. Through all of this, I’ve always known. We’ll never be the same people we were, but we can grow into new ones together. I’ll love you no matter who you are, baby. My love isn’t conditional. Tell me what you need from me?”
“Can you tell me how to be happy again?” she whispered.
“We’ll get there, Kitten. Together we can do anything. You believe that, right? There’s nothing too big for us. We’ve walked through fire together, and look, we’re still here.” I had a sudden thought. We needed a jump-start into making the changes. “Go get dressed and pack your toiletries bag.”
She gave me an odd look, but she didn’t question me. I gave myself fifteen minutes to make all the arrangements before I jumped in the shower and packed my own bag. An hour later, we were in the limo on the way to the small airstrip where one of our jets was.
“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” she asked as I helped her out of the car and onto the tarmac.
“Nope.” I kissed her. “It would ruin the surprise.” We walked hand in hand up the steps into the jet.
I stepped back outside to make a phone call before we took off. Smith answered right away.
“Hey, we’re going off the grid for a while,” I said quietly, not wanting Grace to hear me.
“For how long?”
“As long as it takes. She needs to remember who she is. So, I’m taking her away from all of this; all she needs to think about is us.” I hoped to God this plan worked.
“You sound alive for the first time in weeks, man. Take all the time you need, we have it covered at the office. I’ll tell the family.”
“Thanks, man.”
“You just call if you need anything. You’ll have a phone? Just in case something happens, I’d like to know I can reach you.”
“Yeah, I’ll have a phone. Look, I have to run; we’re taking off in a minute.”
“I’ll see you when you get back.”
I pressed end and shoved my phone into my pocket before climbing the steps into the jet. Grace sat in one of the plush cabin seats, her knees tucked up under her.
“Ready?” I dropped a kiss on her head and took the seat next to her.
“Very.” She smiled, and for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t forced.
The first leg of our trip was a little under three hours in the air. We landed in a small airport and then boarded a small seaplane to hop over to our final destination.
“God, the water is amazing.” She sighed and laid a hand on the window as we flew over the turquoise ocean. “Where are we?”
“The Bahamas. I booked us a villa at the Fowl Cay Resort.” I put an arm around her.
“For how long?”
“As long as we want.” I wanted to say as long as it took for her to remember who she was, but I didn’t.
The plane glided down toward our final destination, a small island covered in white sands and dotted with villas and a big hotel. When I chose this place, I wanted it secluded enough that we could be alone but still have all the amenities of a big resort.
Someone from the hotel met us at the dock in a small golf cart.
“Mr. McFadden?” He smiled warmly. “We have your villa all ready for you. Hop in and I’ll drive you right to it. We’ve arranged for you to have the use of one of our golf carts during your stay, and the plane will be ready to take you to any of the other islands should you want to go.”
“Thank you.” I nodded and slipped a few hundred into his palm as we shook hands.
“We have you in the Bluemoon Villa. You’ll love it; the beach is right outside your patio door.”
“Sounds heavenly.” Grace sighed and leaned her head against my shoulder as we drove.
“Here we are.” We stopped in front of a pale blue house, almost the same color as the water. It was too big for the two of us, but it had the best beach so I knew it would be the best fit.
I thanked the man and swept Grace up into my arms to carry her into the house.
“Carrying me over the threshold?” She giggled.
“Consider this our second honeymoon.” I kissed her and walked us into the house.
THE DAYS ALL BLENDED. I couldn’t remember how long we had been in the Bahamas, but it had probably been weeks. We spent days on end laying in the sun and enjoying each other’s body under the moonlight.
We island hopped, snorkeled, and walked every expanse of beach on the tiny island we were staying on. My soul was healing; I didn’t feel swallowed up by the darkness anymore. It was easier to smile. Logan had resurrected me.
I walked out onto the patio and found Logan staring out into the ocean at the dolphins playing in the waves. He turned when he heard me approach and my lips curved into a smile. He was so handsome, three days’ worth of stubble on his face, and his hair shaggy and curling madly around his ears. He only wore jeans, his skin tanned from days in the sun.
“What are you smiling at?” He pulled me into his arms, burying his face into my neck.
“My sexy husband.” I trailed my fingers along his back.
“Oh. yeah? Like what you see?” He bit my ear lightly.
“Always,” I breathed.
“What do you want to do today?” He sat down into a chair and pulled me down onto his lap.
“Well, I kind of wanted to talk to you about something.” I turned to face him.
“Okay,” he said hesitantly.
“I think I’m ready to go home. I need to face the real world.” I swallowed. It would be easy to stay here for months. With nothing to do but enjoy each other. Going back to face reality scared me, but it needed to be done.
“When do you want to leave?”
“Tomorrow?” I bit my lip. “And I’d like to go to Chicago before we go back home. I need to see my mom and my sisters.” Faith deserved an apology from me. I knew she understood everything that had gone on, but it wasn’t fair to her.
“I think that’s a great idea. I know your mom would love to see you. Especially the happy you.”
I realized now how bad it had been. Sometimes it takes removing yourself from the situation before you could see the destruction. I still missed the baby that I lost every day, but it wasn’t the searing pain it used to be.
Logan had brought me back to life. He’d shown me that his love was all I needed to be happy. I realized that not being a mother wouldn’t define me. I was a wife, a sister, and a daughter, and that was enough.
“I’m amazed by you.” He brushed the pad of his thumbs across my cheeks.
“Are you?” In truth, he more than amazed me; he dazzled me. He had taken a broken heart and mended it with his love. He had lost as much as I had and hadn’t broken into pieces. H
e was so strong, strong enough for both of us.
“Very much. You’ve come back to me, baby. I don’t see the shell of the woman I married anymore, all I see is you. You’re so strong, Kitten.”
“I’m so sorry for how bad it got, Logan.” I put my hands on his chest, my legs straddling his. “Forgive me?” I promised myself that no matter what happened in the future, I would never let things get as bad as they had been. I couldn’t live like that; we couldn’t exist that way.
“Kitten.” He sighed and brought my lips to his. “We were lost for a bit. But we found each other again. I’m sorry, too, for all of it.” The unspoken words hung between us for a moment. We both were sorry for the baby that would never happen.
I leaned into him, into his strength. I knew now that, no matter what, when I couldn’t be strong, he could carry the load for me. We were a team, not two single entities.
Our last day in paradise was perfect, spent mostly in the water splashing in the surf. The dolphins came out as if to say good-bye. Leaving would be bittersweet, but Logan promised we would come back again. I stared out to the waves for a long time, trying to memorize the color of the ocean. I wanted to remember this moment in time forever.
Over dinner, Logan asked me the question I had been asking myself for days.
“What do you want to do next? Are you going to step back in at work?”
“I want to. I meant to ask if we could rent a floor in your building. Something about the McFadden name on the side of it makes me happy. I want the dream you pitched to me all those months ago when we were just getting started. When we were just falling in love. We can drive to work together and sneak in quickies in the copy room.” My heart felt full for the first time in almost eight months.
“Kitten, I would give you the world, you know that. You can have as many floors as you want as long as you promise to keep smiling like that.” He leaned across the table and kissed me softly.
Being together like this felt so new to me. It hadn’t been easy like this for so long that it felt like we were in the honeymoon phase of our relationship all over again.
“All that I need is you to keep me smiling like this, Logan. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that. Life won’t always been easy, but I think as a couple we’ve proven we can go the distance. I’m looking forward to having the first year of marriage we should have been having all along.”
“I thought I’d lost you,” he said softly. “I didn’t know what to do. This was my last ditch effort. I kept seeing Anna in my head when I looked at you. The haunted eyes. I thought I had ruined you, too.” I could see how scared he was.
“You didn’t cause this, I did. It was selfish of me to put us through this. I’m not Anna. Even at my worst, I had never contemplated suicide. I could never do that to you. You’ve already suffered enough loss in your life.” I put a hand on his arm.
“There’s nothing selfish about wanting a baby. I wanted the same thing.”
“I wish I could go back and do this all over again. I would change so many things.” I sighed.
“Didn’t you tell me once that everything that’s happened in our past makes us who we are today? Everything that happened this year has shaped who you are now, baby, and that person is amazing.”
I couldn’t think all the pain was worth it, but he had a point. I had said that to him before we got married, and I meant it. All the crap in our past made us stronger if it didn’t kill us. This hadn’t killed me. It made me realize what was important. Sometimes dreams changed. My dream of being a mom might end up staying a dream, but that was okay. I could let that one go and grab a new one, something that both Logan and I could wish for.
We fell asleep to the sound of the crashing waves, and I said a silent prayer for the life I was given. I didn’t deserve it, but I was thankful for it all the same. Logan wrapped me in his arms and I felt safe, nothing could hurt me as long as I was with him.
When he woke me the next morning, I was excited. We were going home, and I was finally me again.
“LOGAN!” I SHOOK HIM AWAKE.
“Mmm?” He rolled over, his gaze sleepy.
“It’s time, baby.” I grinned at him.
“What? Really? Are you sure?” He shot up in bed.
“Unless this is pee, then yes, I’m sure.” I motioned to the wet spot on the sheets next to him. “My water just broke.” I clenched my teeth as a contraction started.
“Okay. Okay, we’ve got this.” He jumped out of bed and ran to the closet to put some clothes on and grab the bag we had packed for the hospital.
I walked slowly to join him and change out of my wet pajamas.
“Here, let me help you. Do you need to sit?” He looked terrified and excited at the same time.
“Yes, please. Can you help with the pants? It hurts to bend over right now.” I winced as I slid them down my hips along with a lot more liquid. No one ever told you it really felt like peeing when your water broke, and it wasn’t an all at once kind of thing. It was more like a slow leak.
Ten minutes later, we were in the car on the way to the hospital. Logan was on the phone with my mom.
“Yeah, we’re on our way there now. Um, I don’t know. Let me ask.” He turned to me. “Your mom wants to know how far apart your contractions are.”
“I’m not having many, so it could be a long road ahead of us.”
“Did you hear? Okay, yeah. We’ll see you soon.” He passed the phone to me.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hey, baby girl. So, we’re having this little one today finally?” I could hear her excitement.
I was three days late, and we had all been on pins and needles for the past week. My sisters and mom had flown in four days ago, beginning operation evict baby McFadden. They were all staying with Smith and Faith at their place so Logan and I could enjoy the last few solitary days together. I had taken long walks, done lunges, and eaten enough spicy food to give me permanent heartburn.
“Yep, it sure feels that way to me.” We pulled up to the hospital and Logan grabbed the phone again.
“We need to go get checked in.”
“Okay, honey. Me and the girls will be there soon.”
He hung up and helped me out of the car and into a wheelchair.
“My wife’s in labor,” he barked out when we got to the front desk.
I doubled over as a contraction hit me full force. “Yeah, I’m one hundred percent in labor.”
The nurse looked sympathetic as she rattled off some orders and handed Logan a clipboard with some forms to fill out. He gave me the most exasperated look. If I weren’t in labor, it would be almost comical.
“Correct me if I’m wrong here. Did we not fill all this out a month ago when we did the hospital tour so we wouldn’t have to do it when we came in?” he growled as he scribbled on the pages.
They wheeled me back to a room and gave me a gown to put on before hooking me up to all sorts of things. The IV needle was unpleasant, but not as bad as contractions.
My mom and sisters breezed into the room an hour later looking excited and full of energy.
“How are you feeling?” Faith scooted Logan out of his chair and sat next to me.
“So far, so good. The contractions suck ass, though.” I tried to get comfortable, but it wasn’t happening.
“Have they checked you yet?” Hope asked, joining Faith by my side.
I shuddered, “Yes, I’m three centimeters so far. Barely anything. I’ve been two for a week.” I really wished someone had told me how horrible it was when they checked how dilated you were. Turned out the cervix didn’t enjoy getting fingers jammed against it. It would send me into contractions every time.
Four hours later, my contractions had progressed significantly. I was writhing around on the bed when the nurse came in to check me. Both Logan and Charity held my hands and tried to distract me from the pain.
“Good news. Looks like we’re up to six now. If you’d like an epidural, now would be the
time to get it.”
“Oh, I want it,” I all but screamed. Four hours of pain was enough for me if I didn’t have to go through any more.
The prospect of getting a needle shoved into my back freaked me out before all of this, but now I didn’t care. I just wanted the pain gone.
“You’ll feel the effects almost immediately,” the anesthesiologist told me as he completed the procedure. Boy, was he right. I felt relief right away.
“How do you feel now?” my mom asked when the doctor had left.
“So much better.” I sighed and fell back against my pillow.
“You should try to take a nap while you’re feeling better. Don’t want to wear yourself out before you have to push. We’ll leave you two alone for a bit.” They each dropped a kiss on my cheek and left us in peace.
“Can you move?” Logan asked.
“What?” I gave him a look that clearly said I was not about to guess what he meant.
“I’d like to lay with you,” he said softly.
“Oh, well, in that case.” I tried to shift but only managed to move an inch. He gallantly helped me move the rest of the way.
“There now, this is better, right?” He had me half on top of him, and I knew damn well it wasn’t comfortable for him.
“For me, yes. For you, not so much.” I sighed as he rubbed my shoulder.
“This is pure bliss for me, Kitten, and you can’t convince me otherwise. We’re about to meet our baby. There is nothing better in this world than this moment.” He kissed my cheek.
I mumbled something and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of babies and car seats.
Five hours later, I was positioned to push. Hope and Logan each held a leg, and my mom, Charity, and Faith stood behind watching, expressions of awe on their faces.
“Are you ready, Kitten?” Logan beamed down at me.
“I have never in my life been more ready for anything.” Even with the epidural, I was in some pain. Faith had told me something about the “ring of fire,” and I was not looking forward to experiencing it.
“Okay. On the next contraction, I want you to push just like we talked about,” Dr. Welsh said.
Never Let Me Go: The Complete Set Page 31
