His full name turned a few heads but didn’t have any more success when it came to persuading the little sod to come back.
‘Jezza!’
The beach was so crowded. It seemed that everyone in Newbay was making the most of this genuinely hot summer’s day. As were all their dogs. There were dogs everywhere, running up and down the sand and in and out of the ocean, having a fabulous time. Never had Dani seen so many in one place. From the corner of her eye, Dani thought she saw Jezza making a dash for the waves, only to find that the dog in question was a completely different breed.
It didn’t help that Jezza was pretty much the same colour as the rocks that studded the sand.
‘Jezza!’ Dani yelled. Still no response. So she muttered under her breath, ‘When I find you, you stupid dog, I am turning you into a footstool.’
Dani was cycling through all the emotions as she walked the beach. Irritation, anger, embarrassment. Even fear. What if someone had stolen their Jezza? She knew it happened. There had been a report in the local paper about the problem. And there were two kinds of thieves who took a puppy. The first just fancied the idea of owning a particularly cute-looking mutt, who might just be a pedigree. The second … Dani tried to block the dog-fighters from her mind.
‘Jezza!’ she called more urgently. ‘Where are you?’
Dani was almost at the rock pools now. Would Jezza know how to swim if he fell into one? Was swimming instinctive for dogs? Jezza had never been in the water on her watch or on anyone’s watch so far as Dani knew. Assuming he hadn’t already been washed out to sea, Dani was going to have to make sure he knew how to get out of trouble in the water too. Oh, how she regretted letting Eric persuade her she shouldn’t just march round to his house and drop Jezza off on the driveway.
But this moment was also teaching Dani something about how she really felt. She just wanted Jezza to be back in her arms. Even back on the sofa. If she could just find him, she would never think about getting rid of him again.
‘Jezza!’
Sometimes you have to lose something to make you realise just how much you really love it.
‘Jezza!’
Suddenly, Dani’s cries were met with equally anguished cries from behind the rocks.
It was a woman.
‘Get off! Get him off! Get him offffff me!!!!’
Assuming the very worst, Dani picked up her pace and ran to the screaming woman’s aid. But she wasn’t being ravaged by a gang of pirates fresh from the sea. She wasn’t fending off any men at all. Rather, she was batting away the attentions of a young and enthusiastic dog. Jeremy ‘Jezza’ Corbyn.
‘Get him off me!’
With a mixture of relief and embarrassment, Dani leapt into action and took hold of Jezza’s harness, dragging him off the blonde woman whom she only now recognised. At the same time she recognised the woman’s companion. Nat Hayward. Nat and Lola. And their dog. Little Miss Princess.
‘I am so sorry,’ said Dani, helping Lola up from the sand. ‘Hi Nat. I’m sorry. I really am. Flossie was holding Jezza’s lead but he somehow managed to get away and …’
Hanging on to Jezza’s harness with one hand, Dani tried to brush the sand off Lola’s dress, a broderie anglaise number that had been pure white until just a few moments ago.
‘He must have got a whiff of Princess and come rushing to find her.’ Dani tried to make light of the chaos. ‘Not that Princess is whiffy, of course. But, dogs, you know, they’ve got that crazily good sense of smell thing going on. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’
Nat was checking Lola for bumps and bruises. The dress, though marked with paw prints, was otherwise in good shape. Not ripped, thank goodness.
‘Is it machine washable?’ Dani asked.
‘Does it look machine washable?’ Lola responded.
Dani stepped back, not knowing quite what to say, though feeling that she ought at least to hang around until Lola confirmed that she was still in one piece. She seemed to be quite upset about her hair.
‘I had it done yesterday.’
‘I’m just so, so sorry,’ said Dani again, unaware that even as she was apologising, Jezza was working on giving her something even more serious to apologise for. He’d finished sniffing Princess’s bottom and was now busy investigating Nat and Lola’s picnic. By the time the three humans noticed that Jezza had managed to get into the Fortnum & Mason hamper, it was too late.
‘Oh Jeremy!’ Dani wailed in despair. ‘I can’t take you anywhere.’
‘What did he just eat?’ Nat asked. There was a strange hint of panic in his voice. ‘What did he just have? Dani? Tell me?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Dani. ‘What did you pack? What was in there? Nothing with chocolate, I hope? Was there chocolate?’
Nat was on his knees now, gently shoving Jezza out of the way so that he could inspect what was left in the basket. He pulled out three empty paper cupcake cases and stared.
‘Oh no, oh no, oh no.’
Nat sat back on his heels and grabbed at handfuls of his own hair as he stared into the basket as though it were the abyss.
‘Oh no!’
‘I’ll go to the café and buy you some sandwiches,’ Dani suggested. ‘And cakes, if that’s what he’s eaten. They have really good cakes there. Their lemon meringue tart is to die for. Shall I get you one of those and maybe a slice of their chocolate cake too? Or ice cream? Maybe an ice cream would be better given how hot it is this afternoon. I’m sure you already know, Lola, but the Duckpool Bay ice-cream stall was voted best in the country last year. People come from miles away.’
Nat was still oddly inconsolable.
‘It’s not that bad, is it?’ Dani said at last.
Nat turned to look at her.
‘It is absolutely that bad,’ he said. ‘Your dog has eaten three cupcakes …’
And very nice Jezza had found them too. He was busy trying to clean the last of the icing off his whiskers. However, Dani was soon to understand just how serious the situation was.
‘He’s eaten three cakes and one engagement ring.’
Chapter Eighteen
While Dani just stared at the empty cupcake wrappers, Nat explained that he had taken an engagement ring – a whole carat’s worth of flawless diamond set in platinum – to the Newbay Bakery where they baked it into a lemon-flavoured cupcake – Lola’s favourite flavour. The plan was that Nat would propose with the cake at the picnic they were just laying out, when Jezza the Staffy-poo came charging over the rocks, trailing havoc in his wake.
And now Jezza had eaten the ring.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ said Dani. ‘Or do! He wouldn’t have eaten a ring. Surely? He’d have felt it, wouldn’t he? Are you sure he didn’t spit it out?’
Nat and Dani checked the sand around the picnic basket while Lola sat on a rock, contemplating the magnitude of Nat’s admission about the true ingredients of their lunch.
‘Your dog ruined my big moment,’ was all she seemed able to say while Nat and Dani were on their knees conducting a fingertip search.
‘It’s not here,’ Nat said after a couple of minutes of digging around the picnic blanket. ‘He must have swallowed it. There’s no other explanation.’
‘Then I suppose it’s a good thing. At least we know where it is. We’ll get the ring back,’ Dani promised Lola. ‘I swear to you. I will monitor every move Jezza makes – especially those – until the ring is found. I’ll take him to the vet and get an X-ray.’
‘You don’t want to put Jezza through an unnecessary X-ray,’ said Nat, who was sitting on the sand, looking wild-eyed and slightly desperate. ‘We know he’s eaten it. We’ve just got to wait for it to show up.’
‘I don’t want to wait!’ said Lola. ‘That’s my ring he’s eaten! Can’t we take him straight to the vet now? They must be able to give him something to make the ring come out more quickly.’
‘He’s only a puppy,’ Nat reminded his would-be fiancée. ‘Dani really doesn’t want t
o go giving him any unnecessary medication while he’s still so young.’
Lola disagreed. ‘But it wouldn’t be unnecessary. That dog contains thousands of pounds worth of my jewellery.’
Technically not hers yet, thought Dani, unless Nat had already made the proposal. That didn’t seem to be the case.
‘Darling, I promise we will have the ring back before you know it,’ Nat said.
‘Covered in poo,’ Lola muttered.
‘Poo washes off,’ said Dani. ‘Diamonds are indestructible. Aren’t they?’
Nat carried on trying to calm Lola down. ‘We will have the ring back and I will propose to you in style and then this will just be a funny anecdote that we tell people on our wedding day.’
Nat looked to Dani for reassurance. She nodded. That seemed like the right thing to do. Though inside she wanted to scream.
‘It will make a great story,’ she forced herself to say. ‘It can’t have happened to many people, can it?’
‘No,’ said Lola. ‘It can’t.’ She was not to be persuaded that it could ever be seen as a good thing.
‘Perhaps it’s lucky? Like when a bird poos on your head.’
Lola looked as though she was about to cry.
‘Dani will let us know just as soon as the ring’s come out again. You’ve got my number, haven’t you?’ Nat said.
‘Has she?’ Lola asked.
‘No,’ said Dani quickly. ‘At least, not unless it’s the same number you had when you were eighteen.’
‘I’ve changed it a couple of times since then.’
Nat gave her the digits. ‘Call me as soon as there’s any news,’ he said. Then he wrapped his arm around Lola and kissed her troubled forehead. And with that, Dani took it that she was dismissed.
She picked Jezza up and exited as gracefully as she could. Which wasn’t that gracefully at all as it happened. On her second step, she ended up knee-deep in a rock pool.
Chapter Nineteen
Ten minutes later, Flossie caught up with Dani in the middle of the beach.
‘You found him!’ Flossie shrieked.
She at least was happy to see them both.
‘Where was he, Mum?’
‘He was eating somebody’s picnic,’ Dani said. While Flossie took Jezza, Dani tried to unstick the wet leg of her jeans from her skin.
‘Oh no. You naughty boy.’ Flossie wagged her finger at the dog. He wagged his tail back at her, giving her his best big Staffy grin. ‘Were they OK about it, Mum? How much did he eat? A lot?’
‘Only about five thousand pounds’ worth,’ Dani deadpanned.
‘Eh?’
‘Your dog has expensive tastes.’
As far as Dani was concerned, Jezza was definitely her daughter’s dog now.
Flossie couldn’t understand why there had been a ring in the cupcake anyway. She had Dani tell her the story several times as they walked back home.
‘So, let me run through that again. It was your ex-boyfriend?’
‘Yes.’
‘About to propose to his new girlfriend? The one who’s much younger than you?’
‘Yes,’ said Dani. ‘Thank you for reminding me.’
‘And he was doing it with a ring in a cupcake?’
‘Yes,’ said Dani. Again.
‘That is the naffest thing I have ever heard,’ Flossie announced at the end of the telling. ‘I can’t quite believe it.’
Later, when she heard the news, Jane was similarly surprised.
‘Jezza interrupted your ex-boyfriend proposing to his new girlfriend?’
‘Yes.’
‘That’s a heck of a coincidence. Will he think you did it deliberately?’
‘How on earth would I have done that? I didn’t know he was going to be there, did I?’
‘He didn’t tell you he was going to propose?’
‘No. Why would he? I’m just someone he knew twenty-two years ago.’
‘Bloody stupid idea putting a ring in something you’re going to eat, if you ask me,’ said Jane. ‘Poor girl could have cracked one of her teeth. Or what if she’d gulped it down without noticing?’
‘I think she’d have noticed she was swallowing a one carat diamond,’ said Dani.
‘Not if she’s got a very big mouth,’ said Jane.
Flossie couldn’t help sniggering at that.
Then Sarah came round and Dani had to go through the whole story again.
‘That Lola’s going to think you let Jezza eat the cupcake deliberately,’ Sarah echoed Jane’s view.
‘She is not!’ Dani insisted. ‘Anyway, ladies, the fact is that Jezza has eaten Lola’s ring so he is not to be allowed out of this house or the patio area until further notice.’
‘He’s not allowed into the garden proper?’ asked Jane.
‘No. What if he buries a poo in one of the flower beds?’
‘Do dogs do that?’ Flossie asked.
‘Knowing Jezza, he would,’ said Dani. ‘No, it’s best that we know exactly where he is and where he’s pooing at all times. If either of you see him doing it, you’re to get out there and rescue the results at once.’
‘What?’ Jane and Flossie chorused.
‘I thought we agreed that Jezza was going to be the responsibility of the whole family.’
Jane and Flossie shared a glance.
‘Look, all I ask is that you gather the poo up and put it in a bag. Just like if you were pooper-scooping on a walk. I’ll do the nasty bit when I get home from work, OK? God knows I’ve dealt with enough shit in my time.’
‘Language!’ Jane and Flossie chorused.
‘I think it’s justified right now.’
‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ Flossie said then. ‘If I’d been hanging onto Jezza like you asked me to then none of this would have happened.’
‘Oh Floss. It’s not your fault. Having a picnic on the beach is just asking for a dog to come along and eat your cakes, if you ask me.’
‘Besides,’ said Sarah, ‘if Nat Hayward wanted Jezza to notice he was eating a diamond, he should have bought a bigger one.’
Flossie and Jane both whooped at that.
‘Now, ladies,’ said Sarah, changing the subject, ‘I need your opinions on something. I want you to help me choose between these.’
She pulled two dresses out of a carrier bag. Both were the kind of bodycon numbers most women would have swerved. Let alone most women in their seventies. But Sarah was very confident about the way she looked and with good reason. ‘Tomorrow night I have a date,’ she said.
The other three were all ears.
‘How did you get a date?’ Flossie asked.
‘Tinder,’ said Sarah. She showed them the profile of the man in question. His name was Malcolm. He purported to be seventy. Divorced with two grown children. He had hair. He had teeth. If they weren’t his, they looked pretty expensive, which was almost as good.
‘Of course, he might turn out to have a terrible personality but he’s taking me to the Merry Widow, so at least I’ll get a good meal.’
‘Auntie Sarah,’ said Flossie. ‘That’s so mercenary.’
Sarah cackled. ‘Which dress?’
‘The red one,’ said Flossie without hesitation. ‘You’ll knock his eyes out.’
‘Assuming he can see,’ said Jane, taking a closer look at the profile. ‘Are you sure he’s really seventy?’
‘I don’t actually care. Dani, you should try this Tinder thing,’ said Sarah. ‘This time next year someone could be giving you a diamond-filled cake.’
‘I can make my own cake,’ said Dani.
Though she wouldn’t have said no to a single carat.
She looked ruefully at Jezza, who was beneath the kitchen table, stomach gurgling.
Chapter Twenty
The next morning, Dani didn’t remember straight away what had happened the day before. When she came down into the kitchen and discovered that Jezza had left her three small but perfectly spherical poos near the back door, Dani scooped them u
p and was just about to flush them down the cloakroom toilet when she remembered.
‘Oh shit!’
Literally.
She carried the poos back through the kitchen and sat on the back step while she set about the unpleasant but important work of dissecting them over a sheet of newspaper in search of Lola’s missing engagement ring. Jezza joined her and seemed to think it was great fun, putting his paws and his nose where they most certainly weren’t wanted.
‘Jezza! Keep your nose out of it! No Jezza! No!’
When he made a playful grab for a poo that was yet to be dissected, Dani shrieked her annoyance. But there was nothing to be found. Not this time. The poos were just and only that. No platinum or diamonds. No joy.
Having washed her hands and thoroughly disinfected them, Dani made herself a much-needed coffee. While she drank it she googled ‘dog digestive system’ and ‘how long does it take for something to travel through a puppy’s gut’. The answers were most illuminating. When Dani typed in ‘dog ate engagement ring’ there were over three million results. The link at the top of the page showed an X-ray of a Labrador puppy from Tulsa who had eaten both his mistress’s engagement ring and her wedding ring. Twenty-three thousand dollars worth! It made her own dilemma seem just a little less dramatic.
Dani was quickly learning that dogs really will eat anything but there was no consensus as to how to deal with the problem. The poor Tulsa pup had to have surgery. Dani definitely didn’t want that for Jezza. But she was beginning to worry that it might be the only way.
As soon as it was open, she phoned the Thomas veterinary surgery and asked to talk to Evan. Nurse Van Niekerk would not put her straight through.
‘I can answer most dog-related questions,’ she said.
‘OK,’ said Dani. ‘How long will it take my puppy to poo out a one carat diamond and platinum engagement ring?’
‘Mrs Jeremy Corbyn, what on earth were you thinking, letting him eat an engagement ring?’
‘Of course I didn’t let him eat an engagement ring,’ said Dani. ‘He stole it. It was baked into a cupcake.’
Once in a Lifetime Page 10
