by Mandy Baggot
Kate and Joel stepped out from behind the curtain and were greeted by Larry, his bright silver suit and an array of spotlights and cameras directed at them from just below the stage.
‘Welcome Kate, welcome Joel, lovely to meet you. So Kate, you are looking lovely tonight, isn’t she ladies and gentlemen? I’m guessing you do modelling right?’ Larry questioned, sticking a microphone into Kate’s face.
‘Er, no,’ she replied.
‘No? I’m shocked. So tell everyone here and at home what it is you do for a living,’ Larry ordered.
‘I’m a legal executive, at Randall’s Solicitors.’
There, she’d got a plug in for the firm that would please Miranda if nothing else. There was loud whooping and shouting from the crowd which was unmistakably the Lady Dragon and one of the larger cameras swung around to get a close up shot of the table. Kate cringed and willed the ordeal to be finished.
‘Bit of advertising there Kate and you’ve got some support in the audience I hear, that’s good. And Joel, what do you do? It looks like you work out if you don’t mind me saying. Have you seen him ladies and gentlemen? A virtual Adonis!’
‘I’m a personal trainer at Highbridge Leisure Centre,’ Joel responded.
‘That is lovely. So how long have you two known each other and where did you meet? Was it lust at first sight? Did you see her Joel and just know you had to have her?’ Larry questioned, performing an elaborate wink to the audience.
‘Most definitely,’ Joel answered, smiling at Kate, knowing how much she was hating every second.
Kate cringed. He almost looked like he was enjoying this. She hated him. Why, oh why, had Stephen already been booked?
‘We met at the swimming pool six weeks ago; well approximately. It isn’t like I’m counting or anything. Is it six weeks now?’ Kate asked Joel with a nervous swallow.
‘It certainly is Darling,’ Joel replied, trying to keep a straight face.
‘Only six weeks. In the first flush of romance ladies and gentlemen, how lovely. Right, I’ve been told you’ve been explained the rules, what happens now is we pop Joel in the booth and once he’s in there and I’m happy he’s listening to some romantic tunes through the headset, we’ll make a start. I will ask you three questions about Joel, you will answer and then we get Joel back and see if your answers match. Everybody happy? Good, right Joel, take yourself over to the booth, slip on the headphones and blindfold and when I’m sure you can’t hear me, I’ll begin interrogating your lovely Kate.’
Kate watched as Joel headed for the plastic booth, sat on the chair inside and put on the blindfold and large headphones. He still managed to look hot wearing game show paraphernalia.
‘Ah Kate, look at your man now, oblivious to everything. Any secrets you want to tell, now is your opportunity.’
‘No.’
‘Just kidding, right Kate, down to business. Are you ready?’ Larry asked her.
‘As I’ll ever be,’ Kate replied, gritting her teeth.
‘Good, right, this first question then for one Kissing Gate on the board. So, if Joel were a member of the cat family what would he be? Would he be A, a tiger, hot blooded and always ready for action? B, a panther, silky, sleek and perfectly aligned or would he be C, a pussy cat - cute, cuddly and romantic.’
Kate didn’t know what to say. She just stood, almost open-mouthed, staring at Larry’s shiny suit that had started to make her eyes go funny. What sort of a question was that? It wasn’t racy, it wasn’t intimate and she was sure she would never have known the answer if she had been asked about any of her real boyfriends. What member of the cat family?!
‘I’m going to have to hurry you for an answer Kate, I know it’s only been six weeks but surely you must have discussed which member of the cat family he would like to be,’ Larry joked.
‘You would think so wouldn’t you?’ Kate said with the most false laugh she had ever performed.
Larry looked at her, wondering what noise was going to escape her lips next. Her mouth suddenly felt very dry.
‘Well, I don’t know really, I’ll have to guess I suppose. I’ll say A,’ Kate blurted out.
‘She said A, a tiger, hot blooded and always ready for action. I can just bet he is,’ Larry said with a camp smile to camera.
The audience laughed and Kate could feel the palms of her hands starting to sweat.
‘OK, question two. If Joel were planning a night out for you both, which of these nights would he be more inclined to organise? Would he choose A, a night out at the cinema, to watch a rom com or perhaps B, a night at the bowling, something fast paced to enjoy with friends or C, a night at the casino, something frivolous and exciting,’ Larry continued.
All Kate could think of was how annoying Larry was and how impossible the questions were. She wasn’t sure she would have been able to answer them even with Matthew as her fellow contestant. He had hated the cinema; they’d never been bowling or had the kind of money you needed to visit a casino. He’d liked the odd go on the slot machine at the pub but…
‘I’m going to have to hurry you a little Kate.’
‘These questions are very hard,’ Kate said, trying to wipe Matthew from her mind.
‘I need an answer.’
‘C,’ Kate said determinedly.
‘That’s C, a night at the casino, something frivolous and exciting. Wow, a frivolous tiger is our Joel. OK and the final question is - Joel wants to try out a new position in the bedroom, and I don’t mean moving the furniture around here Kate. How does Joel “tackle” the issue? Does he A, sit you down and suggest spicing things up? Does he B, say nothing, things like that shouldn’t be discussed or does he C, throw you into the new position during lovemaking and see what happens?’
Kate’s cheeks were now on fire. All eyes, lights and lenses were on her and all she could look at was Joel in the booth with the shiny headphones on. What had her life come to? But more importantly, did he look like someone who would want a discussion about sexual positions or someone who would just go with the flow? She had no idea; she didn’t want to have any idea. This was wrong on so many levels. And why was she even worrying about getting the answer right? Who cared?
‘Kate, do you want me to repeat the options for you?’ Larry enquired, bringing Kate back to the realisation that she was stood on a stage being scrutinised.
‘No, no don’t repeat them. Um C, I think, but well we have only been together six weeks,’ Kate answered, dreading the outcome and the frailty of her knowledge of Joel being revealed to Miranda.
‘Well done, that’s all done. Come and join us Joel,’ Larry spoke and he walked over to the booth, opened the door and let Joel out.
Joel followed Larry back towards centre stage and took hold of Kate’s hand, smiling at her. God he was so good-looking but the fact that he seemed to be revelling in this ridiculous game show was less than attractive.
‘Welcome back Joel. Did you enjoy the Booth of Tranquillity?’ Larry asked him.
‘Apart from the Chris De Burgh,’ Joel answered.
‘Good, good. Right, Joel, let’s get straight down to business. The first question I asked Kate was - if Joel were a member of the cat family what would he be? Would he be A, a tiger, hot blooded and always ready for action? B, a panther, silky, sleek and perfectly aligned or would he be C, a pussy cat, cute, cuddly and romantic,’ Larry informed.
‘God, that’s a tough question, it’s between two - um I’ll go for a tiger,’ Joel spoke.
‘THAT’S RIGHT!!!! Well done Kate, you have one Kissing Gate on the board. Let’s see if we can make it two. I asked Kate, if Joel were planning a night out for you both which of these nights would he be more inclined to organise? Would he choose A, a night out at the cinema, to watch something romantic, B, a night at the bowling, something fast paced to enjoy with friends or C, a night at the casino, something frivolous and exciting?’
Kate couldn’t look anywhere. She didn’t care about getting things right or wrong now sh
e just cared about getting off the stage and going home. Well, heading home and stopping at Threshers for some Cape White.
‘Probably all three but if I had to choose it would be A, the cinema,’ Joel answered.
‘Oh Joel! That isn’t a match, bad luck Kate. She said the casino, perhaps something to arrange in the future. It seems she’s keen on spending your cash frivolously! OK, still only one Kissing Gate, right the final question - oh hang on, hang on, who is this? It’s the Love Dove! Let’s hear it for the Love Dove people,’ Larry shouted into the microphone.
Much to Kate’s utter disbelief the audience began singing and clapping to the tune of ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’.
Oh he’s our dove, so filled with love
Oh he’s our dove so filled with love
His golden eggs could win you prizes
Oh he’s our dove so filled with love
She wanted to know exactly how many of the audience had had their drinks spiked. Alcohol alone could not account for the ridiculous display of singing and arm-waving. It looked like they were all members of a pantomime chorus. She half expected thigh slapping and ‘He’s behind you’s’.
‘It’s the Love Dove everyone. Hey Lovey, does this mean that you’re going to lay one of your golden eggs for Kate and Joel?’ Larry asked.
The bird-suited individual nodded its head and then proceeded to simulate straining, like he was about to do a dump. He flapped his wings and screwed up his beak and then somehow, through the magic of camera work and a stagehand in black, a golden egg appeared on the floor under the Love Dove’s backside. He picked it up, nestled it in his wing and took it over to Larry.
‘The Love Dove folks! Let’s hear it for the Love Dove! Thanks Lovey, off you go now for a little lie down. Right, now the way the Golden Egg bonus round works is that I will ask Kate the question hidden in Lovey’s egg which will be something about her and Kate must write down her answer on this board,’ Larry explained.
Still holding the egg, the presenter collected a clipboard and marker pen from stage left and handed it over to Kate.
‘Then, when Kate is happy with her answer I’ll ask the question to Joel, he’ll answer it and if it’s a match you’ll get a hundred pounds and a bonus Kissing Gate on the board!’ Larry spoke, encouraging the audience to get even more excited than they so obviously already were.
Kate could just make out Miranda behind the myriad of cameras and lights pointing her way. She was smiling up at her, a sickeningly sweet smile of satisfaction. Kate knew she was in no doubt she was loathing every moment of the game show and that would make her night, well probably her weekend. But then Frank came into view as camera two moved to the left and he smiled so genuinely and gave her a thumbs up, it almost pulled at her heart strings. Lovely Frank who liked her, rich Frank who gave her champagne at Christmas, Frank with the ill wife and a son who sponged off him constantly. Kate smiled back at him and tried to swallow the knot of hopelessness that was caught in her throat. Then Colin Sykes got to his feet, clenched his fist into a ball and rolled his hand around in the air making gorilla noises. Kate kept the smile on her face, her cheeks aching. There was one thing she was certain of; they had definitely finished off the wine.
‘OK, let’s open the egg - here we go. There, right, Kate, the question is - and remember don’t say anything, just write the answer on the board - the question is - what is your middle name?’ Larry spoke, making the question sound like rocket science.
Kate hurriedly wrote on the board and looked back to Larry.
‘All done? Final answer? Don’t need to ask the audience?’
‘You said I wasn’t allowed to say anything,’ Kate reminded him, getting more and more annoyed with the presenter.
‘OK then, Joel - what is Kate’s middle name?’ Larry boomed excitedly.
‘She doesn’t have one,’ Joel responded almost confidently.
‘And let’s see the board!’ Larry exclaimed his eyes bulging in anticipation.
Kate turned the board around to show the audience and it said in large letters ‘Don’t have one’.
‘YES!! A MATCH! Well done Joel! That’s two Kissing Gates on the board! And one hundred pounds. There you are Kate, you can keep hold of that cheque, maybe spend it at that casino Joel is going to take you to, that’s lovely.’
‘Lovely,’ Kate repeated.
‘So, back to the game. The final question I asked Kate was - Joel wants to try out a new position in the bedroom, how does he tackle the issue? Does he A, sit you down and suggest spicing things up? Does he B, say nothing, things like that shouldn’t be discussed; or does he C, throw you into the new position during lovemaking and see what happens?’
Kate’s cheeks flamed, she couldn’t look at Joel. She wanted the stage to eat her up and quickly. She could almost feel Miranda’s delight at her obvious embarrassment. She would be sniggering under her breath, whispering ‘perfect’ like a female Bond villain. All she needed was a cat to stroke and a monocle. She was poised, waiting with bated breath to see just how moronic Kate was going to look next.
She couldn’t even remember what she had answered to the cringeworthy question. She didn’t even care, she just wanted to get home. She didn’t want to be out any more, being out was not the frivolous fun Hermione had spoken about at length. She wanted to be with Bethan, being a mother and watching repeats of Peppa Pig.
‘Definitely C,’ Joel answered.
‘YES!! That’s a match! Well done Kate and Joel, together with your Golden Egg bonus that means there are three Kissing Gates on the board and you are our current leaders! Congratulations! Although bear in mind, there are several other couples to come. OK let’s give Kate and Joel a big hand,’ Larry announced and he held out his silver sleeved arm, directing them stage right.
Kate practically ran for cover, her face glowing and her mouth dry. She needed to get to the bar, she almost felt sober and she did not want to be sober. She didn’t want to be able to remember any part of this evening.
‘Hey, we’re the current leaders!’ Joel said to her as they prepared to leave the backstage area and return to the tables.
‘Fantastic! How the Hell did that happen? How do you know I don’t have a middle name?’ Kate questioned, trying to squeeze herself past the Love Dove who was blocking one of the exits.
‘You didn’t put a middle name on your profile for Elite Escorts so I presumed you didn’t have one. How do you explain knowing I wouldn’t want to waste time discussing a new sexual position?’ Joel asked.
‘I guessed you wouldn’t be a talker, given the biceps,’ Kate replied, pushing open the door.
‘Hey! Wait, wait, wait! Where d’you think you’re going? STOP!’ a loud high-pitched call screamed out.
Kate and Joel turned around to see Becky scurrying towards them, her cheeks as pink as her hair.
‘You can’t go yet, you’re our current leaders. You have to wait here until we’re sure you aren’t going to finish in the top two couples. I have a manual leader board right here,’ Becky spoke, pointing at a hand drawn grid on her clipboard covered in squiggles, crossings out and bullet points.
‘You are joking! I can’t sit here all night; there are places I need to be - like the bar,’ Kate replied all sense of being polite leaving her.
‘Oh you don’t have to wait right here, we have a green room. It’s this way, free drinks and nibbles,’ Becky responded, starting off towards the other exit.
‘Free drinks? As in alcoholic drinks?’ Kate asked, her keenness to leave suddenly departing her.
‘Yes, of course. This is television,’ Becky answered with a grin.
‘Lead on then Becks, you’ve just become my new best friend,’ Kate responded, hurrying after her.
Seven
‘I’ll have a rum and Coke, make it a double. Hang on, make it two - doubles that is. Did you want anything?’ Kate asked, turning to look at Joel.
‘Just a water thanks. Don’t you think perhaps you should hav
e water too?’
‘Didn’t you hear the girl with the pink hair? FREE DRINKS she said, I can get water any time I like. Water for the fitness guru here please, he needs to rehydrate after all that excitement with the golden egg,’ Kate spoke to the barman.
‘I think you drink too much,’ Joel told her bluntly.
‘I’m not paying you to have an opinion,’ Kate retorted eagerly waiting for her drink.
‘Just an observation.’
‘Well I don’t want you to have any of those either. We don’t have to pretend we’re a couple now. Miranda and Frank and anyone else it matters to are sat out there,’ Kate reminded him.
‘Why does it matter to you that they believe you have a boyfriend?’ Joel wanted to know.
‘Rum and Coke, my best friends! And a water for you. Cheers, bottoms up and all that,’ Kate spoke as the drinks arrived and she immediately began to drink her glass dry.
‘You shouldn’t need someone on your arm to make you feel adequate, particularly if it’s only for the benefit of other people,’ Joel spoke, leaning on the bar.
‘I don’t need someone on my arm, the Lady Dragon set me a challenge. She insisted I brought someone to this function and I didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb by not bringing anyone so I bought you. Anyway, isn’t it people feeling inadequate for being single that keeps you in business?’ Kate asked.
‘Not at all. Most of my clients are businesswomen who don’t have time or the need to form a relationship, they just like a bit of male company every now and then. I don’t think that’s you.’
‘Why not? I’m a business woman, I didn’t have time to find a date for tonight and I don’t need a relationship. I’ve just got rid of one piece of deadwood I don’t need to look for any more. I have Bethan,’ Kate reminded him.
‘Fair enough,’ Joel responded, sipping his water.
‘What about you? Do you have time to form a relationship when you’re taking desperate business women out to dinner?’ Kate asked, beginning to drink the second rum.
