by Mandy Baggot
Kate sat down on the stool and put the headphones over her ears.
‘OK, I’ll just get into position and....OK, cue the music!’ Larry exclaimed, heading down to the end of the catwalk.
It was a sexy, pulsating number and Joel began to work to the rhythm.
Kate watched as he confidently moved down the catwalk, she couldn’t see his face but what she could see was him removing his jacket. He threw it to one side and then began to unbutton his waistcoat. She could see Lynn, her mouth wide open, obviously screaming in appreciation and Miranda was clapping enthusiastically. Marina was smiling, watching his every move and Kate chewed her lip, wrinkling up her nose.
By the time Joel had got to the end of the catwalk his shirt was unbuttoned and the crowd were roaring their approval.
‘Nice moves Joel, have you done this before by any chance?’ Larry questioned.
‘A long time ago, I’m a bit bruised and a bit rusty,’ Joel responded, indicating his battered torso.
The crowd shouted their disapproval at the statement and Joel smiled out at them.
‘Right, well, your first question about Kate is....Kate has £50 to splash out on something, does she buy a handbag, a pair of shoes or something else?’ Larry asked.
‘Something else,’ Joel replied confidently.
‘Something else, good, and do you have any idea what that something else might be?’
‘I think she would spend it on her daughter,’ Joel replied.
‘OK, good, right, cue the music, off you go, although keep it clean, no full Monty’s please,’ Larry told him.
This time as Joel performed his catwalk routine Kate had the benefit of seeing a frontal view. He strutted down the runway towards her, removing his shirt as he went. Kate bit hard again on her lip as his eyes met hers. He smiled at her then turned and made his way back towards the host.
The audience were shouting ‘off, off, off’ and it was a few seconds before Larry and the floor manager were able to get them to quieten down.
‘OK, Joel, Kate’s been told she has to give up something for a month, which of the following things would she be unable to give up? Chocolate, sex or alcohol?’
‘Alcohol, without a doubt, probably Asda’s latest low price South African wine,’ Joel answered.
‘Or any other of the supermarkets own brand wines, can’t favour a particular brand on this show Joel I’m afraid. OK, that’s good, we have all your answers, time to remove Kate’s headphones and see how your answers compare. Gareth, could you remove Kate’s headphones please?’ Larry ordered.
Kate was hurriedly relieved of her ear coverings and was ushered down the catwalk to stand next to Joel and Larry.
‘OK, let’s have some hush please ladies and gentlemen. Kate, I said to Joel, Kate has £50 to splash out on something, does she buy a handbag, a pair of shoes or something else?’ Larry questioned.
‘Oh, er, something else, I’d probably spend it on Bethan,’ Kate answered truthfully.
‘Who’s Bethan?’ Larry enquired.
‘My little girl,’ Kate answered, a rush of love sweeping over her as she thought about her.
‘CORRECT! That’s exactly what Joel said, one Kissing Gate on the board! Well done!’ Larry announced excitedly.
Joel smiled at Kate and took hold of her hand.
‘OK, the second question we asked was, Kate’s been told she has to give up something for a month, which of the following things would she be unable to give up? Chocolate, sex or alcohol?’
‘Oh, that’s hard, I don’t know,’ Kate responded, her mind whirring with thoughts of Dairy Milk, South African wine and mind-blowing sex with Joel.
‘It isn’t hard, think about it,’ Joel murmured quietly.
‘No conferring please, Kate I’m going to have to push you for an answer,’ Larry said sternly.
‘Um, sex?’ Kate asked, not entirely sure it was right.
‘Oh no, I’m sorry Kate, Joel said own brand supermarket South African wine,’ Larry announced.
‘Oh bugger! I mean, oh gosh, sorry,’ Kate said, swallowing and looking at Joel apologetically.
‘Never mind, you can make amends now, Joel please take yourself over to the stool and put on the headphones it’s time for Kate to take to the catwalk,’ Larry announced.
Strains of ‘Lady Marmalade’ blasted out over the PA system and Kate attempted to remember some of the dodgy fashion shows she had watched on some even dodgier Sky channel late at night when she couldn’t sleep, after Matthew had left her, when she had spent nights alone crying into a glass of own brand supermarket wine and a cannelloni for one.
She had nothing on Kate Moss. She swaggered and staggered in her high heels down towards Larry, hearing Lynn and Darren yelling loudly and clapping their hands together.
‘Some nice moves there Kate. OK, first question. Joel’s in a hot air balloon with you, the Queen and a small child. Balloon’s going down Kate; someone has to be thrown out to save the rest. Who does Joel throw out?’ Larry wanted to know.
Kate looked over at Joel who was sat on the stool, the spangled earphones covering his ears. He was everything she wanted. She knew that now, without a doubt.
‘Joel wouldn’t throw anyone out, he’d jump,’ Kate said positively.
‘Wooo Ladies and Gentlemen, did you hear that, he doesn’t just look good it seems like Joel is also a real hero. OK, second catwalk, perhaps loosening the top a little might earn you some favour with the audience,’ Larry suggested licking his top lip.
Kate walked down the runway, looking at Joel, not interested in swaying her hips in time or flaunting half a calf to the audience, there was something much more important than winning the contest on her mind and it wasn’t even the job with Frank Peterson.
She smiled at Joel, turned around, posed briefly and made her way back to Larry.
‘OK, final question, if Joel could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Would it be the Caribbean? Would it be Australia? Or somewhere else completely?’ Larry asked Kate.
‘France,’ Kate said quickly.
‘France? Is that your answer?’ Larry enquired.
‘Yes,’ Kate spoke.
‘Right, OK, Gareth, if Joel could remove his headphones please and come back down here to join us,’ Larry said.
Joel walked back down the catwalk and stood next to Kate.
‘OK, Joel, time is running away with us so I’ll get straight to it. We said to Kate, Joel’s in a hot air balloon with you, the Queen and a small child. The balloon is going down and weight needs to be lost so someone has to be thrown out to save the rest. Who would you throw out?’ Larry questioned.
‘That’s a tough question,’ Joel said, letting out a breath of air.
‘Kate was very certain about her answer,’ Larry told him.
‘Was she?’ Joel asked, looking at Kate.
‘Yes she was, have to hurry you.’
‘OK, well, I couldn’t throw anyone out, so I’d jump,’ Joel replied.
‘CORRECT! A match and another Kissing Gate on the board!’
Kate smiled at Joel and took hold of his hand.
‘OK, OK, finally, we said to Kate if Joel could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Would it be the Caribbean? Would it be Australia? Or somewhere else completely?’ Larry asked.
‘France,’ Joel told the host.
‘France?’ Larry queried.
‘Yeah,’ Joel told him.
‘CORRECT! A match! Another Kissing Gate on the board! So that’s a total of three Kissing Gates to add to your score, well done!’ Larry enthused.
Kate smiled excitedly at Joel until she saw Marina, preened and puckering up her lips, smiling widely at him from the crowd.
‘HANG ON! Who is this?! Oh Ladies and Gentlemen, here comes the Love Dove! Let’s hear it for the Love Dove!’ Larry exclaimed loudly, holding an arm out as the bird bounded onto the stage.
‘Oh God, not the song, please!’ Kate remarked.
The L
ove Dove’s theme music began and he badly juggled with three golden eggs before bringing one over to Larry and putting a wing around Kate’s shoulders.
‘Kate and Joel, you’ve won a spot prize, let’s open up Lovey’s golden egg and see what you’ve won....it is....first class Eurostar tickets to Paris. You said France and it looks like you’re destined to go there. Well done! Let’s hear it for Kate and Joel!’ Larry boomed into the microphone as the Love Dove pushed a voucher into Kate’s hand.
‘France,’ Kate spoke, running a finger over the word ‘Paris’.
‘France,’ Joel repeated, looking at Kate.
Thirty Five
‘We’re still second on the leader board, Darren just texted me,’ Joel announced, sitting down opposite Kate at a table in the greenroom.
‘Has everyone done their catwalk?’ Kate enquired.
‘I think so; he said Mark and Gloria won the theatre break,’ Joel added, taking a sip of his lager.
‘Great, she’ll want a part in the production; find some way to fit aerobics into ‘Oliver’,’ Kate remarked.
‘Now that could be worth seeing,’ Joel said with a chuckle.
‘Just the mock wedding then, making our vows sound sentimental and gooey,’ Kate said, sipping at her drink.
‘Yeah,’ Joel answered.
‘Listen, I’m sorry I went all mental with you during ‘Racy Cakes’, I was just trying to keep focussed and....,’ Kate began, unable to meet his eyes.
‘It’s OK; look Kate, there’s something I need to tell you,’ Joel said awkwardly.
‘Oh, please don’t say anything, whatever it is I don’t want to know, not yet, not before the end of the contest. Can it wait until the end of the contest?’ Kate babbled, fearing it was going to be painful.
It was going to involve Marina and she couldn’t bear to hear it. He was probably going to work in Buenos Aires with her, some joint modelling assignment. There would be photos of them barely clad cavorting on the beach, sharing cocktails with a perfect sunset in the background. There would be an attractive Dalmatian and a perfect blonde child with ringlets laughing happily and blowing bubbles into the sky.
‘It’s about Marina,’ Joel continued, undaunted.
‘Please Joel, not now, I understand about Marina, really I do and it’s fine....,’ Kate began, standing up and feeling uncomfortable.
‘It isn’t what you think,’ Joel told her.
‘Please, not now, I’ve got to phone Hermione, I need to check on Bethan and to make sure I didn’t look a complete idiot sashaying up and down the catwalk,’ Kate spoke hurriedly and she quickly left the table and dashed towards the exit of the greenroom.
She knew it but she couldn’t bear to hear it.
‘No! Kate, wait, don’t call Hermione!’ Joel called and he hurried after her, only to have his way blocked by Becky.
‘And where do you think you’re going? We’ve done a survey in the audience while the show’s been going on and guess who’s been voted ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ resident hottie?’ Becky asked him.
‘Er, Martin from Martin and Yvonne?’ Joel replied.
‘No silly, you! Come on, you’re needed on stage, there’s a prize, chop, chop,’ Becky ordered, taking hold of Joel’s arm and leading him off.
‘Lynn, have you heard from Hermione recently? I’ve called her at home, seven times and there’s no one there, I’ve called her mobile and it’s gone straight to voicemail? Where is she? Why isn’t she there? Bethan should be in bed, asleep, where would she have taken her?’ Kate said into the phone in panic.
‘Er, well I’m sure there’s an explanation, in fact, when I spoke to her last I’m sure she said something about dropping in on her mum, yes, that’s what she said, I’m positive, staying the night in fact, apparently they’re all going to make tents out of bin liners and tea towels,’ Lynn replied.
‘But that’s just stupid; she never stays over at her mother’s, what’s going on?’ Kate demanded to know.
‘Nothing! Don’t be daft, I told you, Bethan’s fine, they’re staying at her mum’s, don’t worry....hang on, Joel’s coming onto the stage, with his shirt off again, oh deep joy,’ Lynn spoke breathing into the receiver.
‘What? What’s he doing on the stage? Lynn, what’s going on?’ Kate demanded.
‘Listen for yourself,’ Lynn replied.
‘....and according to your votes, the winner of the ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ 2011 Hottie Award is....Joel Brown,’ Larry announced loudly.
Kate listened down the phone as the Love Dove squawked and stomped about.
‘And your prize Joel is £500 and a year’s subscription for ‘Iron Man’ magazine, courtesy of Fitness and Health Gyms,’ Larry carried on.
Kate let out a heavy sigh, imagining Marina’s model smile, her heavily made-up face pouting at Joel, speaking to him with her ice blue eyes.
‘The Lady Dragon’s had a few, can barely stand in those ridiculous silver mules she has on,’ Lynn spoke above the applause.
‘You’re changing the subject, Hermione has absconded with my daughter and I can’t contact her,’ Kate exclaimed.
‘Now you’re really exaggerating and you’d better get off the phone because after the commercial break they’re starting the final part, Virtual Vows, The Showdown of Sincerity,’ Lynn told her.
‘Is Marina still there?’ Kate asked.
‘Yeah, she’s still here, slapper almost wet herself when Joel removed his shirt,’ Lynn answered.
‘Keep trying Hermione will you?’ Kate ordered.
‘Will do. And good luck, I sense Colin is on the very verge of announcing free champagne for everyone if you and Joel win.’
‘I’ll do my best,’ Kate replied ending the call.
‘So, ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ resident hottie eh?’ Kate remarked as they stood in the wings, waiting to go on stage.
‘Whatever that means,’ Joel responded with a laugh.
‘It means most of the women in this audience are having trouble keeping their eyes off you....me included,’ Kate answered.
Joel looked at her, sensing the sentiment.
‘Kate, I really need to tell you something,’ Joel repeated.
‘I know and you can, I’ll listen right after the show, tears or cheers,’ Kate said.
‘Marina isn’t an ex-girlfriend; I hadn’t met her before I met her for lunch at the pizzeria. She works for ‘Elite Escorts’,’ Joel blurted out.
Kate just stared at him, unresponsive.
‘Look, I know it was a stupid, ridiculous idea and I should have known better but Hermione said I needed to do something and I would have done anything, to keep you interested in me,’ Joel continued.
Kate just carried on staring at him, her heart freezing, her breathing laboured.
‘I know now that it was wrong especially because I promised you honesty. Creating Marina was nothing short of deceit but I didn’t think it would go this far and....,’ Joel began.
‘Thirty seconds guys!’ Becky announced excitedly, bounding up to them like the Easter bunny.
‘Say something Kate, please,’ Joel begged.
Kate shook her head.
‘I was being selfish I know I was being completely selfish, but I was trying to do it for the right reasons. And when I found out Matthew was still seeing Amanda I had to do something about that too. I knew if I told you you wouldn’t believe me so I told Hermione and she said you needed to see it with your own eyes,’ Joel carried on.
‘Jesus Christ, the sudden and dramatic urge for a Chinese meal. She knew he was going to be there, that they were both going to be there,’ Kate announced in horror.
‘Kate, I know I said I wouldn’t pressure you or force you to make any decisions but, well, I lied about that too. I’m in love with you and I was scared, I didn’t want to let you go,’ Joel told her.
Kate looked up at him. His enormous grey eyes were wider than they had ever been and they were filling up with tears as he gazed back at her.
‘Ready you two? And off you go!’ Becky announced, giving them both a little shove out from behind the curtain.
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s welcome back our current second place couple, Kate and Joel!’ Larry introduced.
Kate stumbled onto the stage the lights making her feel completely disorientated. The audience were nothing more than a dark, blurry throng and the light above camera one was flashing like an overactive Belisha beacon.
Her mouth was dry and her eyes were sore. She couldn’t focus, she couldn’t concentrate.
‘Now Kate and Joel, this is where the two of you pledge your troth to one another under the ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ Arch of Harmony in front of all these beautiful witnesses and our feathered minister Reverend Love Dove,’ Larry spoke.
He waved an arm towards the left of the stage and the Love Dove sauntered solemnly into the limelight dressed in full clerical garb complete with bible under one wing.
The Arch of Harmony resembled a B&Q arbour that had been dressed with white and pink roses, streamers and heart shaped balloons.
‘So, if you two could join hands and come under the Arch of Harmony we’ll get things under way,’ Larry said.
‘Kate, are you OK?’ Joel enquired as she stared around as if she didn’t know where she was or what was going on.
She didn’t reply.
‘Kate,’ Joel repeated.
‘So, if you’re ready....,’ Larry urged.
‘Kate, we need to step under the arch,’ Joel told her.
‘STOP! STOP EVERYTHING!’ a voice yelled from the audience.
Thirty Six
The murmuring in the crowd ceased and a stunned silence washed over them.
‘Er, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry for the interruption, we will try to resolve matters and, could someone get security?’ Larry asked, looking uncomfortable.
‘No! No security, I need to tell everyone about this farce in order to try and restore the integrity of this competition,’ the voice spoke as its owner stepped into the light.
Matthew.
Kate stared out at him. He was standing at the front of the stage, to the right of the Arch of Harmony, all eyes, attention and cameras focussed in on him. His mousey hair was tousled, he was wearing a new suit and a smirk was playing on his lips.
