Beast

by Paul Kingsnorth

  listen.

  there is a noise outside right outside.

  there.

  a scream.

  it is loud and sharp and long and it tears me from my sleep. it is close. it is very close. i sit up in my bed in shock and i look around me. the shock runs in me like water runs.

  the sound hangs in my ears. it was a scream. it was a shriek a howl. it was close as close as if it were coming from outside the door. right outside.

  something is outside the door.

  i sit up and i go to the window. outside there is cloud everywhere deep rolling thick grey fog. i can’t see anything. i go to the door and i open it and the cloud rolls in. i slip my feet into my boots and i step outside onto the stones of the yard. it is mountain cloud it is sodden and weighty and it seems to move of its own will. it swirls and clusters and creeps about it writhes and coils around me. i can see the shape of a wall dimly perhaps a building nothing else. everything is grey and white and close.

  the noise comes again. it is a scream a howl. it is very close.

  it is right here.

  i am glad that the people are gone. i don’t think i have ever seen any people at all. there is a memory of them. now they are gone and there is no biting no climbing over there is no running from them all just to be. there is only the cloud and the wet grasses here and the sound. the sound and what is that sound.

  the first scream came from my right i am sure of it. i am standing still in the cloud in this yard outside alone and now the scream comes again and this time it is in front of me is it closer i think it might be closer.

  i wonder what is above the cloud. perhaps an aeroplane.

  this time the sound is to my left. it is painful. i can hear it breathe after it makes the noise. now i hear it again now it is behind me.

  it is circling me.

  it is circling me in the cloud.

  now i hear its footfall on the stones. i am frightened i am terrified. i am calm.

  i am very calm i am on an aeroplane above the cloud. i am sitting over the wing and i can look out at the engine and i have my family with me my wife and children then as i look out i see the engine explode in orange flame and the plane collapses to one side and flips over itself and begins to tumble and scream from the sky. of course everyone is screaming and crying and things are flying all over there are trolleys and bottles and people flying all over we duck our heads my family and i we cling to each other and i tell them how much i love them and i hope it will be quick for my children. after this there is a safety demonstration. the flight takes about four hours. i don’t like flying.

  i am very calm. yes i am enjoying this. the sounds the thing circling me in the mist. but now the sounds have stopped. i am standing very still here i am not trying to hear but i can sense that the sound will not come again i can sense that it is leaving or has left me.

  yes. it has gone.

  i stand here for some more time. i was right it has gone its presence has gone i can feel it. there is just the cloud now and it is empty and quiet i am standing outside in this yard and there is this cloud. when you are here in the cloud you are inside you are inside the life of the world. when you go into the house and shut the door you shut yourself outside then there is only you and the dead things you have made into shapes. inside is outside and outside is inside. if i were not so stupid i would have seen this years ago. wherever i have been.

  i walk a few yards to my right to where i guess the thing was and i squat down and i scan the stones. even the stones as i squat down are hard to see in this cloud. but there we are. there are prints. footprints. there are the footprints of a big cat a big black cat a big black cat with yellow eyes. i remember this.

  there is a small black cat in a big house it is hiding under a stuffed sofa. in the house there is a woman we are two sides of something. i walk through a door and she smiles at me hello beautiful she says i missed you i missed you too i say she puts her arms around me i remember this warmth. she puts her legs around me fucking in a bed can you imagine. animals fuck under the sky under the stars in the rain fucking in a bed it is disgusting all of our disgrace is here. there is no disgrace in a cat there is no disgrace in anything that walks on four legs that does not have fingers which dig into everything and take it all apart.

  my fingers are wet they are damp everything is damp. i run my fingers across the prints on the cobbles the prints like a darker impression in the damp of stone. i run my fingers around the edge of the stone look at the shape of this look at the square shape look at the rounded edges someone chipped this someone carved it a man in cotton and coarse wool with scratched clogs and a lined face he made it and laid it down. he went home every night to a small brick terrace and washed the dirt off in a tin bath by the coal fire in the front room his tiny sparrow wife heated the water for him he drank too much because of what he carried but nobody would listen and anyway he could not say the words. nobody remembers him. imagine if nobody remembered me i would be so happy.

  i stand and i turn around i look in all directions and in all directions there is cloud. there is no sound now i feel bereft i have been abandoned i have been left where has it gone my cat. why does it not want me anymore. i have seen it i have heard it and it has come for me so why am i still empty why am i so empty why am i in pain here. why did it come to me and then leave me alone. i am so frightened of what I want.

  pain. my leg doesn’t hurt my ribs do not hurt i remember all the pain and now as i stand here i can feel that the pain is gone all of it. how strange. i bend my left knee i bend my right knee they bend together the pain is gone my body is a pillar of light but my soul is empty and my mind is crying out to be filled. why did it leave me why did it come for me and then leave me again. how will i ever find it in this cloud.

  this is a lonely place and cold.

  they looked after me once once they looked after me. everybody was horrified they wanted to save me they wanted to get me out but i was happy there everything broke down and i was nothing and i have never been happier all of the sheets were so clean. now i am a pillar of light now i am alone and there is nobody to love me. i would like to be in there again with all of the others treated like all of the others. when they put you there you don’t have to pretend.

  my hair is damp everything is damp and god i am hungry i have suddenly realised how hungry i am. i am famished i am hollow my stomach is crying out how long is it since i have eaten have i ever eaten. i turn i go back into the house and i close the door. inside the room i go through the cupboard and the drawers and all of the surfaces there is nothing here there is nothing at all. there is a can of water and a mug on the table but there is nothing to eat. now what am i to do about that. in this place in this cloud hungry and alone with nothing i have no money and where would i go if i had money when i can see nothing. i look for food for days but there is nothing and i grow weak. there is nothing growing in the yard there is nothing in the weedy garden behind the house and i grow desperate i try to strike out across the moor but i can’t find anything i can see no paths i don’t know where i am going in this thick cloud i wander and i fall and stumble and now i am waist deep in the bog and there is no getting away. the yellow water soaks through me the acid stench of the peat is a cloud around my mind i am too weak to pull myself out i sink into the bog and am mummified and they find me in five thousand years and academics build careers around the mystery that i represent.

  when they built the stone rows and the stone circles the barrows and the avenues the climate was different here they could grow different things what did they grow i wonder wheat perhaps grapes mangoes cherries cheese chocolate i am so hungry i need food. maybe there is food in the garden. i pull open the door and walk around the back of the house to where there is a vegetable garden i have to feel myself around the walls of the house with both hands because the cloud is so thick. in the garden most of the soil on the vegetable beds is overgrown with cleavers and young red brambles and bindweed. i get down onto
my hands and knees and i work my way along the beds and in the second bed amongst the curling goosegrass i see potato leaves i grasp the stem of the plant and pull it out and the roots come up with one tiny potato hanging onto the bottom. i put it down beside me and dig into the soil with my hands and turn over four more small tubers they have thick dark skins but they are hard and fresh. i dig all around the hole in case there are more but i turn up nothing i keep looking through the beds and in the next bed i find another two plants with another nine potatoes between them it is a feast i am so hungry.

  i spit on the smallest potato and rub it across my trousers to get the soil off then i bite it in half and i chew on the half that is in my mouth it is bitter and wet someone once told me that green potatoes have cyanide in them this potato will poison me i will be wracked with stomach pains in three minutes’ time and i will lie here clutching my guts and throwing up but it will be too late i will die in the cloud here and nobody will find me for weeks. then two hikers will come up the track to the house looking for water a man and a woman in their twenties he has dragged her here she is a city girl she does not like this but she wants to please him and he senses this and so he holds her in contempt and soon after they will split up because they found a dead body in the overgrown garden of an abandoned house and this was not something they were built to take the weight of. i should be patient i should take this potato into the house and boil it and mash it with all the others i love mashed potato i used to eat it all the time with sausages or meatballs and frozen peas and gravy i expect something like that anyway and i would say that was enough for me. i would give anything now for a plate of sausages. i wish i were a cat that could hunt through the clouds for meat.

  why did it leave me i want to see it i want it to look at me with its yellow eyes my cat. it has never looked at me i want it to see me. when i can look into its eyes then i will know.

  the potato is disgusting my mouth is cracked and dry like glasspaper why did i eat a raw potato what a stupid thing to do. i gather up the rest of the tubers clutching them to my body to stop myself from dropping them and i carefully follow the wall of the house around to the door and i go through the door and shut it. i will light a fire and heat water and boil the potatoes and mash them. i drop the potatoes onto the tabletop where they roll about and come to a rest i find some paper in the bottom of the cupboard and twist it up and put it in the bottom of the stove i break up some dry sticks lying next to the stove and pile them in a pyramid on top of the paper. then i look around for matches. there is one matchbox and it is empty. i go through all the cupboards i look in all the corners i look everywhere there are no matches and there are no lighters i can’t light a fire. i’m starving and the cloud is pressing in and the table is covered with muddy raw potatoes and i can’t light a fire. i am furious about this to be here in all of this i kick the stove so hard that i bruise my toes on the solid black iron then i lunge at the tabletop pick up a potato and hurl it through the window. the glass smashes with a delicious sound for a second i feel guilty and expect to be told off but then i realise i will never be told off and i pick up another potato and throw it through the window as well. there are twelve potatoes left i pick them up slowly and carefully and i aim using all of my concentration and i use the twelve potatoes to knock almost all of the glass out of the window frame. when all of the potatoes are outside in the cloud and only tiny knives of glass remain embedded in the cracked putty i have a sense of pride. now the cloud is curling into the room.

  i hate potatoes anyway i don’t have time for potatoes. now i have broken the window there is nowhere to hide everything is outside and inside at once everything is in the cloud. there is no reason to be in here there is nothing in here for me there has never been anything in here for me. i want to look into its yellow eyes.

  i look down at my feet. since i was woken by the scream i have been walking around with my boots unlaced i bend down and i tie them up tightly and then i double knot them. i stand up and stare through the broken window at the cloud. what am i to do now. in a shoe shop a woman is giving me a lolly. it’s red. i am a polite and patient little boy i have broken the window and i enjoyed it. why am i not afraid of this thing. it came looking for me here it came hunting me why else would it be here. it came for me and it took account of me and then it left. i’m not afraid of it why am i not afraid of it. i suppose it could pounce and kill me instantly. no.

  when i have tied my boots i go through the door out into the yard again i don’t take anything with me there is nothing to take with me. i stand listening in the cloud it moves around me like it is alive this cloud i stretch out my arm and i can just see my hand i rise up into the air and i keep rising with my hands outstretched either side of me up through the cloud up and up through the solid hill of cloud until i rise above it. all is blue up here all is so blue and the great yellow ball of fire in the sky is coming down on me and i look down onto this great rolling carpet of cloud and through it i see the yellow eyes of the cat and down i go i fly down through the cloud and i stand in front of the cat and it looks at me right into my eyes. yes. that is what i thought.

  but how am i going to find the cat. where do i go how can i possibly know anything here. when i can just see my hand how could i possibly walk without stumbling without becoming lost forever if i walk out there surely i can never come back surely i will never find my way back to this place. but what do i have here anyway a broken window an empty matchbox a cold fire no food. the cloud is in the house now. i am going to walk and i am going to find it.

  perhaps i have been standing here for an hour.

  i can wait as long as i need to wait i can wait here the cloud moves around me as if it is exploring me sniffing me out becoming comfortable with my presence on these old stones. i feel like i have been standing on these old stones forever.

  and there it is. i knew it would come there is the cry through the cloud there is the call on the moorland slopes. the sound of the cat high above me.

  there it is again the long high keening of the creature. where is it coming from somewhere to the south i think. i wait perhaps another three minutes or four there it is again the long high call as soon as it begins i uproot myself from the stone and i walk towards it. i walk into the cloud until i am brought up against the drystone wall and i feel my way along to the right until i come to the wooden gate. i unlatch it and go through it i don’t bother to close it behind me it is too late for that. i walk down the track as fast as i can i can see enough of the track in front of me to keep moving. i hear the noise again it is still ahead of me but it is very distant. i come down to the stream and i splash through it the water is icy on my ankles and my calves. i open my mouth i lie down in the stream and let it flow over me and let it flow through me until i am ice. i keep walking until the track turns left i know where i am the track here heads down to the valley but i’m not going that way i am sure the noise came from ahead of me from up on the tops. i strike out on a slight thin path through the heather if the cloud weren’t down i could follow this path easily in the cloud i can only see heather a few yards in front of me all around me a circle of heather pink and purple flowers with tiny droplets of water on them. my wet trousers push through the heather. everything is silent now i think i am still heading towards the sound but the cat never stays still it never stays anywhere it is never where you expect it to be. it is ridiculous to follow the sound it is ridiculous to look for it i could walk this way for ever but it is too late now to stay at home.

  in a building she stands before me and there is cloud between us. well she says i suppose you must do what you need to. i know what you think i say i know how it sounds i know god is dead i know he has been killed with everything else. i know all the parts have been taken out and are lying around on the carpet and now we are all free to be unhappy alone i know there is nothing holy now. perhaps i am circling it because it looks stupid to the people who take everything apart but i think there are things deep in some people which w
on’t be taken apart i think that none of the things which make us move in the world can be pictured. the thin track through the heather is taking me upwards now up onto the slopes that lead to the shoulders of the moor. it must be ten minutes twenty maybe thirty since i heard it i think i am still heading in a straight line. the cloud takes away everything you think you know about where you are. well you do what you must do she says you go if you must but if you do not come back soon we will learn to live without you and you will lose her and me you will lose both of us forever. i hate her sometimes she sees through me she gives me no room at all christ her love fills me with shame. christ’s trouble is that he’s all human. where are the bears running through his bloodstream where is the sky and the water in him. he’s all about the people you are god’s chosen make the earth yours subdue it until it squeals what is underneath this what is beneath the waters. a man clad in gold stands in a wood and stares at me while strange birds wheel all around him. if you stare into the cloud long enough you can see shapes faces times a silent hunt riding above you fingers and claws the moving lips of lovers boats heading out to sea feathers and shells bees and blades vines and creepers growing from the sockets and the openings. it rises from the ground and sings to me and falls back under. i could walk this way forever.

  i keep walking up my boots laced tight my feet and ankles cold and wet the heather rasping against my trousers at every step. i walk on and the silence and the stillness of this cloud and its closeness makes it all feel as if i am nowhere at all. i could walk this way forever i don’t suppose anybody else would ever see me at all.

  there is the sound again ahead of me and to my left and still far away i wonder if it is further now. i begin to walk faster one foot in front of the other up the tiny track through the heather and i keep walking and then suddenly the track ends and i step out onto a road. it is solid asphalt it stretches to my left and to my right off into the cloud there are no markings on the road and there is no traffic. i step out onto the centre of the road where now which way now. i decide to walk to the left i walk along the edge of the road and the sensation of the solidity the managed flatness under my feet is strange to me. i can’t hear the cat. i wonder what to do i keep walking will i find the track to the house again now in this cloud how will i find it. then in front of me i see something rising in front of me on the other side of the road something is looming out of the cloud. i keep walking slowly towards it. it is a great rectangular shape as i move closer i can make out windows chimneys outbuildings.