by Laura Hilton
A lot of good that had done so far.
It was said that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
But then, that whole absence thing hadn’t held true for him and Susie.
On second thought, maybe it had. After all, Susie had asked for a break, and now she had come for him.
And then, there was the proverb “Out of sight, out of mind,” which said just the opposite.
It didn’t take much thought to know which one would prevail in her case.
Chapter 32
Jacob stretched his tired back as the last customer finally left the shop. He pulled off his leather work gloves and the goggles, putting them in a neat pile on a shelf. Daniel slid a handful of money toward Jacob. His weekly earnings.
“Danki for picking up the slack, Jacob.”
“Jah.” They both had been immersed nonstop in work. Maybe Daniel needed him as a full-time employee, after all.
He glanced toward the house with a strong yearning to talk to Becky. He really should have listened when she’d come to talk to him. But he hadn’t. And now, he needed to apologize, see what she had to say, and start trying to make things right.
Try to woo her.
“You thinking of staying around here, ain’t so? I could offer you a full-time job.” Daniel broke into Jacob’s thoughts with the tempting offer.
“Jah, maybe so. But I need to talk to Becky real quick,” Jacob said as they neared the house. He hoped she wasn’t too busy with supper preparations, but if she was, then he would ask her to go for a walk later.
Though, considering the unkind words he’d spoken earlier, it wouldn’t surprise him if she didn’t want to.
If that was the case, then he’d apologize to her right there in the kitchen, in front of her daed and everyone.
Even in front of Susie, if his daydream—more like a nightmare—about her visit were really true.
“Jah. Ach, Jacob, I was thinking. See over by those trees?” Daniel pointed to the right. “That might be a gut place for you to build a haus.”
Jacob glanced that way and nodded. “I’ll look it over sometime. Though what would be the point?” He pulled in a deep breath. “Someone else is courting her.”
Daniel shook his head. “Nein. Just you.”
“I saw her coming down the driveway like she was running back from meeting a beau.” The day he’d kissed her. He still liked to relive that too-brief moment in his memory. “Then, on Sunday, I saw her walking in the field with a man. And when I asked her if I could court her, she said nein. Well, I guess she technically didn’t answer.”
“She’s scared, ain’t so? Besides, I saw her with Amos Kropf. He had some things to say to her.” Daniel chuckled. “He’s hardly at the point of proposing.”
Jacob gave Daniel a sharp look. “I thought I saw Amos talking with you.”
“Jah, for a little while before services. He went to find Becky when church let out.”
She had been talking with Amos Kropf? Relief washed through Jacob for a brief moment before the flash flood of guilt hit. Ach, this made his behavior earlier so much worse.
“I need to apologize.” Jacob looked down and kicked at a rock. “I messed up big time.”
Daniel nodded slowly. “Jah, perhaps so.”
Jacob took a deep breath and followed Daniel into the house. Katie and Leah worked at the stove while Ruthie set out the jams and other canned items. The table hadn’t been set yet. Becky was nowhere in sight.
Maybe she was feeding Emma. He glanced at the cradle to see if the boppli was in there. And did a double take.
Emma’s cradle was missing.
Spiders of fear made their way up his spine. “Where’s Becky?”
Daniel pressed his palms into the table. “Leah?” His voice was tight.
Leah shook her head. “I don’t know. I got home late from market and couldn’t find her or my parents. Not sure where any of them are. She might be visiting Annie. Or maybe they all went to town together.”
With the cradle? Jacob thought not. Judging from his frown, Daniel agreed.
Leah turned. “But I did find that we have a guest for a while.” She pointed a wooden spoon at Jacob. “You could have let us know that your Susie planned to visit.”
Ach, it hadn’t been a bad dream, after all. Jacob gave a slight shrug. “I’m sorry, but I didn’t know. If I had, I would have told her nein.”
Evidently, his apology to Becky would have to wait. Jacob went next door to the dawdi-haus to take a shower, hoping that Becky would have changed her mind and returned home by the time he finished.
When he went back into the main house for dinner, Susie was already there, now dressed in a modest dark green dress with heavy black stockings, an apron, and a white kapp. Jacob studied her. With the kapp covering her spiked hair, she looked almost like a normal Amish girl, but he still preferred her natural strawberry blond color to the black she now sported. And he didn’t like the hardness in her eyes. Had that always been there?
Susie crowded in next to him at the dinner table—on the men’s side of the table—ignoring Leah’s attempt to direct her to Becky’s seat. Jacob tried to inconspicuously scoot his chair away from her, but grossdaedi wasn’t budging, and Jacob stopped short of sitting on his lap.
“So, Susie, how was your trip?” Daniel asked as he passed her the sugar snap peas.
“Ach, it was okay. The buses, they smelled like fried chicken. I’d packed sandwiches along for my meals, but I felt like I was starving the whole time. Gut to see you’re having fried chicken for dinner.” She took a leg and passed the platter to Jacob. “And have you ever tried to sleep at a bus station? Some people were curled up on the floor in corners. At least I got a chair. But it still wasn’t real comfortable.”
Right now, it seemed a blessing that Susie had the gift of gab. She talked all the way through the meal, preventing the uncomfortable silences that probably would have occurred if Jacob had been left to carry the conversation. She flowed endlessly from one subject to the next without giving anyone much of an opportunity to say anything.
When dinner was over, Jacob pushed away from the table, but Susie snagged his sleeve. “Let’s go for a ride.” It was an order, not a request, and he could see the censure in Leah and Katie’s eyes at her failure to offer to help with the cleanup.
Daniel’s expression was unreadable. “Might want to take Shakespeare.”
Becky’s horse.
Jacob nodded, wondering if that was Daniel’s way of making sure that he remembered Becky when he was out. Like he’d be able to forget her, even without her horse right in his line of vision.
Jacob went out to the barn and got the buggy ready, then came back inside the house for Susie. He was relieved that they would be riding together under the cover of darkness. Hopefully, tongues wouldn’t wag too much. Word spread fast in Amish communities.
But he did not look forward to having to keep up his half of the conversation. He couldn’t ask Susie why she hadn’t told him she was coming, because she might have; he had no way of knowing, since he’d deleted the rest of her phone messages, figuring they were more of the same.
It would seem he’d made a mistake there. Not that he would have been able to stop her from coming, since she’d shown up the day he’d finally started listening to his voice-mail messages.
Before they were out of sight of the house, Susie reached over and slugged his upper arm. Hard.
Jacob glared. “What was that for?”
“‘I’ve never felt this way before’! Are you serious? We love each other. You and me. Not you and her.”
“You asked for a break so you could be with Timothy!”
“Did you really expect me sit quietly at home while you were in Missouri working? A girl’s gotta have fun. And sitting at home doesn’t quite count.”
“You could have spent the time preparing for marriage. Getting your hope chest filled. Learning to bake and keep a haus.”
“I know how to do tha
t stuff; I just don’t enjoy it. And why should I worry about a hope chest? That’s what wedding gifts are for.”
“Susie, if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have wanted to be out with Timothy. You would have been missing me and preparing for when I returned home. You didn’t. You didn’t even wait until my old pillow was cold before you started going with Timothy.” He flicked the reins. “I let everyone here know about you.”
“Including her?”
“Jah. Including Bex. I wasn’t planning on falling in love with her. I’d just figured I’d help her find a beau.” He stopped himself from saying more. He didn’t want Susie spreading rumors about Becky back in Pennsylvania. After all, he’d written Mamm and Daed to tell them about her, mainly to put them at ease regarding Susie.
“You aren’t in love with her,” Susie said, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’re in love with me.” Her voice had a petulant tone he was all too familiar with. “You just forgot because we were separated by so many miles, so many months.”
Jacob blinked. Something about her statement didn’t ring quite true. Was mere separation enough to make him forget someone he loved? If Becky stayed away, would he forget about her and love Susie again?
That seemed fickle. Never mind “seemed”; it was. Did fickle describe him? Ach, he hoped not.
Jacob sucked in a breath. “Let’s not fight. Thank you for making the trip to see me. Let’s just enjoy your visit.”
Susie smirked, scooted closer to him, and started to talk again, this time telling him in detail about all the parties she’d attended since he’d been gone. Apparently, she believed she’d won this disagreement.
Troubled, Jacob stared at Shakespeare’s mane and tried to imagine his life with Susie as his bride. He just couldn’t. Picturing Becky by his side came so much more easily.
The next morning, when Jacob went out to the barn to help Daniel with the chores, he found an unusual frown in place of his normally pleasant expression. He looked up and seemed to sober even more, if that were possible.
Becky must not have come home. A rock settled in the pit of his stomach.
“Morning, Jacob. Appears our Becky has gone to stay with her sister Naomi Joy for a while.”
At least they knew where she had gone. That was a good thing. “She didn’t say good-bye.”
“Nein.” Daniel looked down at his hands. “But she did leave a note.”
“What’d she say?” Had she mentioned him and the horrible way he’d treated her? He felt bad—worse than bad—about that.
Daniel shook his head. “Just that she was going to stay with Naomi Joy for a while. That is it.”
“Where does Naomi Joy live?” He’d go for her and bring her back.
“About thirty miles away. Too far.”
Jah. His parents would hire a car if it was longer than twenty miles round-trip. A horse was good for only about twenty-five miles before it needed to be changed out.
“Naomi Joy is expecting another wee one. She asked for Becky to kum. But I thought she’d refused. Guess she changed her mind.”
Or Jacob had changed it for her. But if she had gone to help her sister, she’d be coming back. Eventually. Jacob sighed. Maybe that was why she’d come to the shop yesterday to talk with him. To tell him she going away for a while.
And he’d refused to talk to her.
She must be so hurt.
Especially since she’d made it clear that she believed it was because he’d learned the truth. And he hadn’t denied it.
Jacob hung his head in shame. “Does this Naomi Joy have a cell phone?”
Daniel hesitated. “Nein. I don’t believe so. Believe there’s a phone shanty out in someone’s shed that they all use. Naomi Joy mentioned it once.” He shrugged. “The bishop gave me special permission to carry a cell phone on account of my business.”
Jacob turned away and headed for the line of cows ready to be milked. He needed to get to work and put Becky out of his mind for a while. Later, he would ask Daniel for her sister’s address and write to her.
And, while she was gone, he’d spend time in prayer about their future. At least at Naomi Joy’s, she’d be away from Amos Kropf. And she’d be away from Susie.
Jah, this could be a good thing.
On the other hand, she might meet someone new.
Jacob closed his eyes. He needed to get to her as soon as he could.
***
Becky rose early, spent some time in prayer, and then hurried downstairs, leaving Emma asleep in the cradle in the corner of her new bedroom. Naomi Joy had laid a blanket and some toys on the kitchen floor yesterday, saying that she had taught Regina to stay put and play where she could keep an eye on her while she worked. But at five months old, Emma wasn’t crawling yet.
Regina was seven months old, and when she wasn’t supposed to be on the blanket, she was mobile, doing some sort of crazy crawl all over the house. She moved on all fours, with her legs extended, maybe to protect her knees from the hard floor. It was really cute to watch.
When she entered the kitchen, Becky found Naomi Joy sitting at the small table, hunched over an untouched glass of orange juice and nibbling on a cracker. She looked a bit green.
Becky remembered those days well. Mamm had baked a steady supply of ginger cookies to help settle her stomach. She’d also lectured Becky about eating more meat, telling her that a lack of protein was the cause of her morning sickness.
Old wives’ tales that sometimes, strangely, seemed to hold true. Becky shared Mamm’s advice, at which Naomi Joy shuddered. Becky had reacted the same way. How can one be expected to eat more of anything when all food, no matter what kind, made one sick?
“Samuel’s gone out to start the chores. He’ll be back in when he’s done.” Naomi Joy reached for another cracker and glanced at Becky.
Becky nodded. “Do I need to collect the eggs?”
Naomi Joy shuddered again. “Nein. He’ll do it.”
Her sister had always hated chickens. Always been afraid of them, rather. Ever since a rooster had chased her out of the coop when she was seven.
If Becky remembered right, that rooster had ended up as dinner later the same week.
She hid her grin as she entered the walk-in pantry and started gathering ingredients for breakfast. She thought she’d make pancakes and bacon.
Naomi Joy poked her head inside the pantry. “I’m going to go make the bed and change Regina’s diaper.”
“Jah.” Becky sensed that her sister wouldn’t be coming back to the kitchen until breakfast was ready.
Becky grabbed a mixing bowl and started measuring the ingredients, all the while thinking of home. Daed and Mamm had discovered her note by now. Had Daed told Jacob where she’d gone? Maybe he would hire a driver and chase after her. Unlikely, considering the way he had rejected her. Plus, now that Susie was here, he’d be spending all his time with her.
More likely, she’d get a letter from Daed saying that Jacob had gone back to Pennsylvania.
Not that she’d be able to go home right away if he came for her. Naomi Joy really did need help. She’d gotten sick twice after Becky’s arrival yesterday, and her morning sickness seemed to last all day, triggered by almost every smell.
But it sure would be nice to be missed.
By one person in particular.
She almost wished she could have overheard the conversations at home when they’d discovered she was gone.
Well, maybe. If Jacob didn’t miss her at all, maybe it’d be better not to know.
He’d rejected her, just like she’d known he would.
She was the one with the broken heart.
That made her wonder about God. Had He rejected her, too? He knew her secrets. He’d known them in advance. Did He really give second, third, even hundredth, chances, with grace and complete forgiveness? Or would she face eternity as an outcast?
The thought that God might shun her hurt worse than Jacob’s rejection. She bowed her head in silent pray
er, begging God to grant her His forgiveness as freely as Daed had given his, despite his great disappointment.
She prayed until she felt peace and acceptance wash over her. Then, she turned to praise.
***
That night, Jacob started three different letters to Becky but crumpled each one and set it aside to burn later. He couldn’t figure out how to word what he needed to say: that he thought he’d fallen in love with her the moment they’d met, or at least at some point in the kitchen that first day. Daed had always told him that love was a decision, not an emotion, but Jacob figured he was a bit wrong there. Jah, he’d made a decision to love Becky. But emotion was definitely involved.
And he also needed to tell her that he was sorry for treating her unkindly. He’d been jealous, but that was no excuse. She needed to know that he’d acted on wrong information, not out of disgust over knowing the truth about her past.
He put his pen to yet another piece of paper, then hesitated. He really needed to go find her, to talk to her in person.
But he didn’t know when he would be able to, or how. If his motorcycle were here…. But it wasn’t. And that would clearly be frowned upon by the Ordnung. He could just hear the gossip that would create, could almost imagine the look of shock on Becky’s face if he rode up on a motorbike. Besides, he wanted to establish a reputation as a good Amish man. A man worthy of marrying Becky.
This goal meant he’d have to keep Susie under control while she visited. She could ruin his reputation quickly, and he didn’t want any disturbing news to reach Becky.
He could hire a driver and go by car—that wouldn’t take too long. A distance of thirty miles was nothing to the Englischers. In less than an hour, he could see her.
He’d have to see how busy the shop would be today. No way would he leave Daniel in the lurch. They were usually closed on Saturdays, but orders were piled up and waiting. If he could get away after lunch, he’d ask Daniel for the driver’s phone number and go.
And, if not, Becky would receive a letter by Tuesday. It probably wouldn’t take more than a day for a piece of mail to reach her.
