“This is awesome,” Viva says as we make our way into the line. I look around, but no one else from our class is in line, not even Lewis.
“Yesterday, Viva and I went around my neighborhood,” Lonnie says. “We collected a lot of bags.” He points to the bag next to him. It’s not very big.
“I think Lewis planned this the whole time,” Viva says.
Lonnie nods. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he shows up with a huge amount of plastic bags.”
Viva says, “He kept saying he was going to bring some in but never did.”
“And now when he does bring them,” Lonnie says, “he won’t have to share.”
“That seems complicated,” I say.
“Lewis is a complicated kid,” Lonnie says.
Viva crosses her arms. “You know he’ll stop at nothing to win.”
“That’s why we thought you could give us all your bags,” Lonnie says.
“What?”
“Just this one time,” Lonnie says. “To even things out.”
“No one will ever know,” Viva says.
Strange but true, the record for most concrete blocks broken on a stomach in one minute is 8. Right now, I feel like someone just broke a million blocks on my stomach.
THE BIG BANG
Right then Lewis shows up, followed by Ny, Cornelio, and Serena. And just like Lonnie and Viva said, Lewis is dragging a huge bag behind him. It’s actually bigger than mine.
“See!” Viva says. “He wanted this to be a competition the whole time.”
Lonnie says, “It sure looks like he was holding out on us.”
“Just pretend your bag is ours,” Viva says. “And ours is yours.”
“It’s the only way to make this fair,” Lonnie says and dumps my bag down next to him in line.
“We did pretty well last night, don’t you think?” Viva says this extra loud. Clearly she wants Lewis to hear every word. Then she leans over and whispers, “No one will know.”
Lewis looks at the bag that he thinks is mine, but is actually Lonnie and Viva’s. “Is that all you brought, Teddy?”
I can’t say anything. I just look away.
“Oh brother!” Viva says. “What about all your bags, Lewis? I thought you didn’t have any.”
The big bang holds the world record for greatest explosion ever. Considering it created everything in our universe and everything beyond our universe, it definitely deserves the record. But right after Viva says that stuff about Lewis’s bags, the second largest explosion takes place. And I think I understand this explosion better than the big bang, because this explosion involved a lot kids yelling at each other about plastic bags.
I have to say, I wish Ms. Raffeli would come out soon, because competition really does not bring out the best in these people.
FROZEN POO
It’s all thanks to Ms. Raffeli and her eyebrows that my class finally lines up and makes it to the classroom silently. Those eyebrows have a lot of power when they are raised as tall as the tallest building in the world (Burj Khalifa).
Our classroom looks so different now that there are two plastic bag balls instead of one. The balls look smaller and sadder and more lonely. One is close to Lonnie and Viva’s group and the other is close to our group. Serena does not seem happy sitting with Lonnie and Viva anymore. I can tell by the number of times she whacks Viva in the face with her hair.
I pull out the little frozen poos from their bag and show them to my team. “What do you think? They look really good, right?” But no one is looking at the chocolate pudding poo I made.
They’re all staring behind me.
And then I look at what they’re all staring at: the plastic bags.
“Sorry,” Ny says. “Did you say something?”
I admit, I am surprised that plastic bags get more attention than my fake poo.
As my gran likes to say, “What’s the world coming to?”
233 OYSTERS
Sitting somewhere else at lunch has never been an option for me. In fact, I’ve always thought that it would be worse than eating 233 oysters in three minutes.
But today, for the first time in my life, I can tell from across the lunchroom that I’d rather break the oyster record than sit at my usual table. Lonnie, Viva, Angus, and Max are on one side of the table and Lewis, Ny, Cornelio, and Serena are on the other side. There is no talking, just a lot of glaring.
Before any of my friends see me, I sneak quietly backward and find a different table far away.
It clearly doesn’t matter, because no one even notices.
A BIG MESS
Jasmine B. and Jasmine H. are sitting at a table across the room. This seems a much better choice.
Jasmine B. and Jasmine H. don’t look surprised when I sit down.
“I knew this would happen,” Jasmine B. says.
Jasmine H. nods her head. “It was only a matter of time.”
I don’t know what to say, so I look through my lunch for something to eat. Dad made a mushed banana sandwich. Really, what does he think I am, a baby? I guess I shouldn’t complain; at least the bread isn’t moldy today.
“Things like this always happen,” Jasmine B. says. She has soup today. It smells really good.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
Jasmine H. dips her cucumber into hummus. I like cucumber and hummus. “When people try and do something together, it always ends in disaster. Don’t you watch reality TV?”
I shake my head. “I don’t get much TV time with my family.”
Jasmine B. takes out a cupcake. I’m so hungry I actually think I should eat the frozen chocolate pudding poo that I brought in, but even though I know it’s fake, it still seems gross.
I must look hungry, because Jasmine B. says, “It was my sister’s birthday yesterday.” She stuffs the whole cupcake in her mouth. “If I were you, I’d get out of this record-breaking thing.”
Jasmine H. nods. “If it’s anything like Family Bake-Off, you’re in trouble.”
Jasmine B. licks her fingers. “So true. So true.”
“What happens in Family Bake-Off?”
And just like how my sisters Caitlin and Casey say things at the same time, Jasmine B. and Jasmine H. look at each other and say, “It all ends in a big mess.”
I’m thinking about what kind of mess this could end in when the bell rings for recess.
I stand up and Jasmine B. says, “Whatever you do, don’t let them find you at recess.”
“Why not?”
Jasmine H. says, “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”
A BIG MESS PART 2
I should have listened to the two Jasmines, but it’s not easy to hide from friends.
Strange but true, the world record for largest tug-of-war in the world was broken by 1,574 people. That must have been pretty stressful. There was probably a lot of screaming and shouting. And it had to be especially hard on the rope. All those people, pulling it in two opposite directions.
Recess feels exactly like tug-of-war, and I feel exactly like the rope.
And it’s my own fault. The two Jasmines warned me.
SHE BELIEVES IN ME
At the end of the school day, Ms. Raffeli makes an announcement. “Clearly, we’ve all been a little too caught up in inventions to remember the holidays. But thanks to the two Jasmines, I’ve been reminded that there is a long weekend.”
Ms. Raffeli sighs deeply and then continues. “As much as I hate to miss a single day of school during such an important project, we will. Tomorrow, Friday, we don’t have school.”
There is a collective whoop from everyone. Ms. Raffeli looks surprised by this, like she can’t imagine wanting to be anywhere but here. “Some of you celebrate Passover, some celebrate Easter, and some celebrate a day off of school.”
“I do all three,” Viva says. Because her mom is Jewish and her dad is Christian, Viva celebrates everything.
Ms. Raffeli continues talking. “Whatever you do, please keep in mind that the inv
entors’ fair is only a week away. If we want to win we need to use all the time we’ve got left. So over the days off, think about your invention. What can you add? What can you change? How can you make it better? Remember, inventors never stop thinking!”
I really agree with Ms. Raffeli, but what are the chances I can figure out how to push poo out of our invention over Easter weekend? I mean, Gran will be visiting, Mom hasn’t finished the bathroom, and I even forgot to remind Dad to buy eggs! (Which is really infuriating because what’s the point of having a list if I forget to look at it?)
Then Ms. Raffeli says, “The last and most important thing I want you to know is that no matter what is going on over the weekend, I believe in you.” And she looks straight at me when she says this.
And suddenly I believe in myself. Nothing will stop me. Not The Destructor, not Easter, not broken toilets or crazy sisters or forgetful fathers, not even breaking a world record.
If Ms. Raffeli believes I can do it, then so do I.
THE MOST POWERFUL POWER
When I walk outside, I find I’ve walked into the middle of another tug-of-war about those dumb plastic bags.
“There’s no way you can beat us!” Viva says.
Lewis says, “We have a power you don’t even know about!”
“The only power I’m feeling from you is the power of the dark side,” Lonnie says.
Ny says, “I know all about your power and our power will destroy your power.”
“Your power doesn’t come close to our power.” Angus bounces at her feet.
Max says, “That’s not possible, because our power is the most powerful.”
Serena says, “How can you say your power is the most powerful when our power is?”
“Because he just did,” Viva says, and her eyes get all big. “We said it first, so it’s ours.”
I never thought I’d say this, but I’m tired of record breaking.
GRAN’S ADVICE
Gran is in the kitchen reading the paper when I get home. There are a bunch of presents on the table. Gran always brings presents. The Destructor has already opened his. It’s a play-dough pasta-making kit. I pick up the box and look at the pictures. The kit can make over five different kinds of pasta, just from squishing the play dough through the different tubes. Gran gives me a book. She always gives me books. This one is called Inventions.
I give her a hug. “Where’s Mom?”
“Working on that toilet of hers.”
“I wonder if she’ll ever finish,” I say.
“I heard that!” Mom shouts. “I’m almost done.”
“Sure,” Gran says. She winks at me and whispers, “Your mom has always been an optimist.”
I don’t normally ask my gran personal questions, but today I feel like I need some advice. “Hey, Gran? Have you ever had a hard time with friends?”
“Who hasn’t?” she says. “My best friend Tina Capriano is a pain beyond all pains! Once she stole my blueberry pie recipe, made it, and won first prize at the county fair.”
“But you’re still friends?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t we be? I just keep my recipes locked up.”
I think about this and wonder what I would lock up. Besides The Destructor, of course.
SO MAD
When I walk over to feed the birds, I see them flying outside again. And Grumpy Pigeon Man and The Destructor are standing outside watching them. The Destructor has his slingshot raised and ready to shoot if any hawk comes too close.
“Don’t take your eyes off them,” Grumpy Pigeon Man says.
The Destructor holds his arms steady. “I won’t.”
“A hawk can appear out of nowhere.”
The Destructor says, “I’ll be ready.”
“I know you will.” Grumpy Pigeon Man pats him on the back. “It takes dedication to care for pigeons. You can’t be doing nine million other things. Pigeons need our full attention.” And even though he’s talking to The Destructor, I know he’s actually talking to me. And it makes me so mad I feel like I could break the record for crushing the most watermelons with my head in one minute (43).
I think about Gran’s advice, and suddenly I know what I need to lock up. Me. I’m locking myself up. Grumpy Pigeon Man doesn’t deserve to have me!
I march up to Grumpy Pigeon Man. “I quit,” I say. “And don’t try to change my mind.”
As I stomp back to my house, I wait for him to shout after me. But he doesn’t.
Of course he doesn’t.
HIDING THE BAGS
After I walk away from The Destructor and Grumpy Pigeon Man, I actually feel strangely free.
And that feeling helps me figure out what I’m going to do about the plastic bag record, too.
When Caitlin and Casey come home and finish weighing their trash, they hand over all the plastic bags they found. Normally, I leave them by the door so I don’t forget to bring them to school.
Today I sneak them upstairs to my room. I open my closet and shove them all the way into the back. There’s no way anyone will find them there.
I’m locking them up for good!
MY TO-DO LIST #13
1. Buy eggs (Remind Dad to buy eggs!!!)
2. Dye eggs
3. Plastic bags
4. Inventors’ fair
5. The Destructor
6. Find something to push out the poo.
FRIDAY
It’s Friday, and a day off from school.
Usually this makes no difference to me, because I always wake up early to feed the pigeons. But today I don’t. Today I pretend to be asleep while The Destructor puts on his pigeon costume and goes out. Today I try and stay in bed, but I can’t.
I get up and stare out the window. From my window, I have a perfect view of Grumpy Pigeon Man’s yard. I watch Grumpy Pigeon Man shuffle out to the aviary. I go back to bed. I just wanted to be sure the birds were okay.
The bad thing about staying in bed is how boring it is. Even reading The Guinness Book of World Records doesn’t make me feel better.
But I’m not moving. I don’t care how bad I feel. I’m staying right here. And then Gran calls, “Pancakes!” And I hop out of bed faster than a cheetah, the fastest land mammal, because if there were a world record for most delicious pancakes, Gran would break it.
TOP SECRET
After breakfast, Caitlin and Casey have more bags for me. I’m sneaking them into my room when Gran comes out of the bathroom.
“What have you got there, Teddy?”
“Nothing,” I say, hiding the bags behind me and backing away.
I close my bedroom door and smoosh the bags into the back of my closet. To be extra careful, I pile clothes on top of the bags so it looks like a pile of clothes.
And even though I’m following Gran’s advice, which should mean it’s okay, I’ve got a feeling this needs to be top secret. And that means from everybody.
Even Gran.
SATURDAY
Since I don’t have my job at the aviary anymore, I spend Saturday morning sitting around in the kitchen with Gran reading about inventions from the book she gave me.
There’s a knock on our front door. Because Mom is working in the bathroom, Gran answers it. “Teddy?” she calls. “Someone named Stewis is here to see you.”
“Lewis,” he says.
“Sorry,” Gran says.
My first impulse is to look for somewhere to hide, but before I can, Gran walks into the kitchen. “What are you waiting for?” she asks. “An invitation from the queen?”
I go outside. Lewis, Ny, Cornelio, and Serena are crowded on the front steps.
Lewis says, “We thought we’d make your life easier and pick up any bags you have.”
Ny says, “We’ll count them and give half to Lonnie and Viva.”
I know I decided not to give them any more bags, but I hadn’t thought about lying to their faces. I wonder if I should just go upstairs and get the bags out of the closet. But right then Lonnie walks up
, followed by Viva, Angus, and Max.
“Oh brother!” Viva says. “We should have known you’d be sneaking around!”
“I could say the same thing about you,” Lewis says.
Ny says, “We came to pick up bags.”
Angus says, “So did we.”
“But we were going to share them,” Ny says.
“So were we!” I’ve never heard Angus sound mad, but he just did.
And just like that, my mind clears and I know what I’m going to do. “I’m sorry,” I lie. “Caitlin and Casey recycled all the bags before I could stop them.”
Every face drops. That’s when Gran walks out. “Well, aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?” The Destructor peeks out from behind her legs.
Lonnie waves to Gran. “Hi, Teddy’s gran!” He’s the only one who has met Gran before.
“Lonnie!” she says. “Your family’s coming over tomorrow for Easter. And where’s that Viva girl?”
Viva raises her hand.
“Your family, too.” Gran smiles and stands there staring at everyone.
Then Lewis grumbles, “We’ve got work to do.”
Viva says, “Us too.”
And like the record for most people to vanish in a magic trick (100), my friends disappear.
IT’S HARD TO DYE EGGS WHEN . . .
1. Mom dashes out to the hardware store because she needs a part for the toilet.
2. The only eggs we have are brown. I should be happy Dad remembered them at all.
3. Gran takes a nap.
4. Sharon leaves because, in her words, “I have a stupid rehearsal!”
5. Caitlin and Casey would rather fight over who collected the most trash today.
6. Maggie dyes four eggs, then says, “If I’m ever going to beat Bella Colon, I can’t sit here dyeing eggs all day,” and goes for her run.
7. Grace says, “Dyeing eggs is for babies.” Then she stomps on my foot.
8. The Destructor shows up, plunks any egg he can grab into every color we have, so they all come out even browner than they started, and then runs back to the aviary.
Almost a Winner Page 11
