“Gag gifts,” I said, turning in my chair to look up at her.
She smiled at me. She looked good, her balloon of blond poodle hair clean, her eyes loaded with mascara again, and her magnificent chest covered in a pyramid T-shirt. But that smile…I hated it when Xanthe was nice to me.
“Kate, I guess you know I’m psychic, right?” she began.
“Aren’t we all?” I answered, keeping my voice serious.
She narrowed her eyes, unsure if I was playing with her.
“I see a lot of things in the great cosmos,” she continued, giving me the benefit of the doubt.
“Right,” I concurred.
“Do you know you share a strong karmic bond with your brother, Kevin?”
I nodded seriously, then said, “I guess I must have done something pretty bad to him in a previous life, huh?”
“What?” she asked, halted for a moment in her script.
“Well, he’s sure getting even with me in this life,” I explained.
“Now, Kate,” she reprimanded me gently and smiled again. Yow, she had big teeth. And she was even controlling her temper. This was getting scary. “Doesn’t it strike you as more than serendipitous that you have a gag-gift business in place just at the time that Kevin is beginning a much more profound business, one that could have truly transcendent potential, but still, one that needs all of the resources that you already have—”
“A business license, a system, manufacturers—” Kevin cut in from behind her. He looked better too, his Wookiee mane, beard, and mustache symmetrical and clean, his dark glasses on again. And he smelled clean too, like Wayne’s soap and shampoo.
“Know-how, a warehouse—” Xanthe took over.
“Wait a minute!” I objected. “Jest Gifts has all of those things because of the years of work I’ve put into it. They are nontransferable assets.”
Kevin and Xanthe just stared at me. I began to sweat under the pressure of their united need. I felt like an open can of beef stew within reach of a hungry bear. Well, even beef stew can fight back if it has to.
“Nontransferable,” I repeated. “Get it?”
The phone rang and I dove for it, wondering if they would have hypnotized me otherwise.
“Hey, Kate,” Felix greeted me. “The Big Guy around?”
“No,” I told him. Nothing more, nothing less. I was still reeling from the attack of the hairy people, both of whom were still watching me hungrily.
“Far friggin’ out,” Felix breathed. “No offense, but the Big Guy can be pricklier than a pit bull on steroids, sometimes.”
“Felix—” I warned.
“But a friggin’ great guy otherwise, a friggin’ great guy.”
Xanthe sighed and made an impatient, tapping gesture on her wrist as if to tell me time was up for my phone call.
“So, how’s it going, Felix?” I asked leisurely, waving Xanthe and Kevin away with my hand, and turning in my chair so that my back was to them. I could still feel them, though. Maybe that much hunger generates heat or something.
“Huh?” Felix answered, blindsided by my friendliness. If I had known this approach could stop him, I would have used it years ago. But I had a feeling it would only work once. And not for long.
I listened as Kevin and Xanthe rustled behind me, and then left the room, Xanthe’s feet managing to slap the carpet as she went.
“Man, let me tell ya, Kate, I’m not sailing so fine, you know,” Felix confided sadly. I knew he was doing the soulful bit with his eyes even if I couldn’t see it. “It’s like nobody knows but Oz whodunit. If I was down at the cop shop, I’d pick your favorite reporter to pin this murder on. You gotta talk to people, Kate. Get the poop on ‘em like you always do. Use your little gray cells or whatever—you know what I’m saying—”
“Felix, I don’t solve these things,” I told him in a whisper, hoping Kevin and Xanthe couldn’t hear me. “I’m just there—”
“Yeah, but when you’re there, presto-pronto, things happen, murderers confess.”
“Felix, I—”
“Kate, come on,” he begged. “We’re a team, sleuth times two, boogaloo. We can do it…”
I couldn’t avoid Xanthe and Kevin indefinitely, but I could hang up on Felix. And eventually, I did.
Kevin and Xanthe were back like sharks, the minute I was off the phone. I turned to them, drawn unwillingly.
“So, Katie,” Kevin summarized. “Jest Gifts and Pyramid Power are perfect partners—”
“Kevin, I will not buy a pyramid kit or have anything to do with your business—”
“But, Katie!” There was true distress in his cry. A cry I remembered from childhood, and never failed to respond to. I wanted to comfort him, to pat his back, even to tell him I still loved him, but it was too dangerous. Any affection would give him the edge he needed. And it wouldn’t do either of us any good for me to get involved in his business. Past experience had taught me only too well. I felt the hint of tears behind my eyes. If only I could be kind to Kevin without reaping the rip-off.
“You can stay here for a very short time,” I told him gently. “But you cannot live here, all right?”
I was glad I couldn’t see his eyes under those dark glasses, because he knew I was serious. Unfortunately, so did Xanthe.
She drew herself up to her full, impressive height, her back straight as a broomstick, and began to speak in the voice of a prophet…or a madwoman.
“I call upon all the gods and goddesses, ancient and present, all unearthly and earthly beings—”
The phone rang again just as I began to feel a chill.
I picked it up, hoping it was a solicitor, one of those terriers who, for a worthy cause, bit your leg and wouldn’t let go.
But it was my ex-husband, Craig Jasper. The man whose surname I’d kept rather than become a Koffenburger again. The man whose name I still kept, having used it too long to change it to Caruso.
“Kate, I heard,” he intoned mournfully. For a moment, I thought he was talking about Dr. Sandstrom’s death, but then I realized it was worse. He knew that Wayne and I were married. Craig had hoped that he and I could remarry after our divorce—he’d even spent an infinite amount of time re-wooing me—and he’d lost. Much as I never wanted to be married to the man again, my heart went out to him. And my stomach didn’t feel so good either. A triple-guilt day.
“Who told you?” I asked softly.
“There was an article in the Marin Mind” Felix! The Marin Mind was the paper Felix wrote for. And now he wanted my help. Anger heated my blood.
“Craig, you had to know, eventually, but I’m sorry—”
“I love you, Kate,” he interjected, his voice thick. And then his tearful voice took on a Groucho Marx accent. “Though there’s always the divorce to look forward to.”
“Craig!” I allowed mock horror into my voice.
“Just kidding, Kate,” he told me, the mournful tone back. “You know me, always the kidder. If you ever want to hear a good joke, you know who to call.”
“Oh, Craig—” I began. Then a thought hit me. “Was the article in today’s Marin Mind?”
“Yeah,” he answered. “Why?”
“Then Felix wrote it before—”
“Before what, Kate?” Craig asked.
“Nothing,” I told him. “Nothing.
“Did you hear the one about the parrot and the freezer?”
“No,” I said, my heart reaching a little further. “Why don’t you tell me?”
So he did, and I laughed as heartily as someone with a lump in their throat can.
When I hung up I felt like Simon Legree, only meaner. Craig and I had been married fourteen years. He’d been a philanderer, it was true. But he was not a cruel man. Craig was more like a puppy who tinkles on your rug and is really, really sorry. Pant, pant, howl! Hitting him with a newspaper would have been kinder than letting him find out the news of my marriage. Then I realized he had been hit by a newspaper, figuratively speaking. And I al
so realized that Craig was not the last person I could expect to hear from on the subject. People feel excluded when you don’t tell them little details like that. Friends. I felt my hands go clammy. Relatives—
On cue, Xanthe started up again. “I call on the spirit of fire, the spirit of earth, the spirit of water, and the spirit of air to teach this woman—”
The phone rang again. I cringed. Another friend who’d just read about my getting married?
But it was Maxwell Yang on the line this time. I wondered why he’d called me, of all people. I didn’t have to wonder for long.
“My staff did a little research, Kate,” he explained. “I understand you’re a real winner in the whodunit field—”
I groaned. How come no one understood that there were no winners in the whodunit field?
“Sorry if I’m being insensitive,” he put in immediately. “I know it must be hard to have found the body. But our goals may be aligned on this one. I want to know who killed Dr. Sandstrom. And I have a feeling the police aren’t too…well—”
“Sane?” I offered.
He chuckled. “Well, let’s just say, not too competent. Perhaps you could keep me informed?”
“Mr. Yang—” I began.
“Maxwell, remember?” he said.
“Maxwell,” I began again, “I’m not an investigator. I just have very bad luck.”
“You underestimate yourself, Ms. Jasper,” he replied.
“Kate,” I corrected him, unable to tell if I was being flattered or merely contradicted. Or both. “Really, I’m just karmically impaired—”
He chuckled again. “Very good,” he pronounced.
He thought I was joking. I sighed.
“Well, if you do find something out, would you let me know?” he persisted.
“I…I…well, all right,” I finally agreed.
“Thank you, Kate,” he murmured politely. Then more loudly: “But I should let you get back to work.”
And he did. As I hung up, I wondered why he wanted to be kept informed. Was the suave Maxwell Yang our murderer? Or was he really—
“Again, I call to you, all the forces of heaven and earth—” Xanthe resumed.
And the phone rang again. Maybe Xanthe was calling down the forces of the phone company. Gotta be careful where you direct your Goddess energy these days.
“Um, Kate?” a quiet voice asked. “Have you started investigating yet?”
“Avis?” I guessed.
“Oh, sorry, Kate,” she apologized. “I should have said. It’s me, Avis. I just wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I haven’t really done any investigating yet,” I told her, wondering if it was possible for a person to explode from guilt. That person being me. Avis sounded so forlorn, and I wasn’t keeping my promises. I put on a cheery voice. “Let’s see what the police come up with first—”
“Oh, of course,” she agreed. “I don’t mean to pressure you. I’ll talk to you again soon. Take care.”
I squirmed in my chair. “Well, I’ll see what I can—”
I was talking to a dial tone before I remembered the questions I’d wanted to ask Avis.
“Police?” Xanthe inquired. I turned to see her raising an eyebrow.
“Never mind,” I ordered, fighting to keep my voice even.
“Have it your way,” she snarled and straightened her back again. “Goddess, just get her, okay?” she cursed me quickly.
And she was smart to make it quick, because the minute her words were out, the doorbell rang.
I was ready to welcome anyone but Kevin and Xanthe, I told myself, and opened the door. Felix slipped past me faster than a wombat intent on chocolate biscuits.
Felix Byrne. My amigo, sleuth times two, boogaloo. Felix Byrne who’d written a recent article for the Marin Mind about my marriage to Wayne. But then, I had asked for anyone. And I’d gotten Felix.
“Hey, Kate, ready to sleuth the truth—” he began.
But then he stopped speaking and really looked at me. Too late.
I advanced on him, my face hot with anger, my lungs aching with the urge to scream.
- Seven -
But my lungs continued to ache, unvented. Kevin and Xanthe were in the room. I curled my hands into fists and shoved them behind my back. If I screamed at Felix about his article, Kevin and Xanthe would be sure to ask what the article was about. Even a quick kick to the intrepid reporter’s groin might bring up questions I didn’t want to answer. My brain tried to take my rage and squeeze it into an acceptable outlet. All it did was make my face hotter. I wanted a therapist, a punch toy, maybe even a gun.
Felix’s soulful eyes followed mine and he saw my brother and Xanthe. And sensed that they were the reason for his reprieve.
“Hey, man, Felix Byrne,” he introduced himself. “You buds of Kate’s or what?”
“‘What,’“ Xanthe answered, practicing a withering stare on him. But Felix didn’t wither. He just smiled as if Xanthe had uttered a friendly witticism. Xanthe remained unimpressed. She turned to Kevin. “Come on, let’s go. Forget her,” she commanded with a jerk of her head in my direction.
But Felix was not so easily deterred.
As the pair moved past him, Felix stuck out his hand in Kevin’s direction and introduced himself one more time. Always open to a possible friend, or investor, Kevin opened his mouth to respond.
And the phone rang. I told myself I didn’t want to watch the three meet anyway as I ran to answer it, my face cooling in the passing breeze. Observing them might be something like watching insects mate on public television: slightly disgusting, and not intellectually or even sexually stimulating.
“Kate, Barbara here,” said my friend as I scooped the receiver up.
“You wanna talk to Felix?” I guessed, trying to outdo Barbara at her own psychic game.
Her laughter tinkled like rain on the roof at the suggestion.
“So what do you want?” I demanded. Rain just wasn’t appealing right then. Especially considering her connection to Felix. Talk about disgusting insects.
“Felix isn’t that bad, kiddo,” she informed me seriously. “I wanted to talk to you about the Goddess.”
“Oh, no. Not you too?”
She laughed again, then modulated her tone. “Kate, the Goddess doesn’t curse people,” she murmured gently.
“What?” I blurted. How did she know what Xanthe had been trying to do? Then I remembered. How could I have forgotten? I banged my forehead with my palm. Barbara knew everything, everything except the important stuff.
“The Goddess can only bless, kiddo,” she finished up.
And then I heard the dial tone.
The Goddess can only bless? What kind of message was that? And then I got it. In Barbara’s world, even Xanthe couldn’t subvert a benign power. I was safe…at least from Xanthe’s curses.
All right, sometimes Barbara is pretty cool, even if she can’t tell whodunit.
I was still smiling when I headed back to the entry hall. For a moment, anyway. Kevin was waving his hands and telling Felix all about his pyramid kits. I wouldn’t have minded Felix buying one. But Felix’s countermove came out of the blue.
“So, betcha you’re pretty friggin’ excited about your sister and the Big Guy tying the knot,” he put in.
“Tying what?” Kevin asked, stopped midpoint in his explanation of multilevel marketing, one hand still in the air.
“Trippin’ down the aisle, man. I mean, holy socks, they finally did the deed.”
“Like a mortgage?” Kevin asked, scrunching his face beneath his dark glasses.
“No man, legalizing the bouncy-bouncy, if you catch my drift—”
“Kate and Wayne are married?” Xanthe demanded, much sharper than my brother on this one. Actually, Xanthe was much sharper than my brother on most things, except for the curses.
“Katie?” Kevin asked, tossing back his Wookiee mane. Hurt lurked in the timbre of his voice.
“Kevin,” I cut in, “
Wayne and I haven’t told anyone yet. Felix only found out by accident—”
“By friggin’ hard work—” Felix corrected me.
But Kevin didn’t care about Felix anymore. “Didn’t you even tell Mom?” he asked.
I cringed. I didn’t want to even think about telling my mother. Secret, the wedding was supposed to have been a secret. I turned on Felix, my arms rising involuntarily as I walked toward him.
“You, you…insect,” I growled.
“Hey, don’t get your high-tops in a wad, man,” Felix replied innocently, backstepping quickly. “Just spreading the word.”
“Mom’s gonna be really upset,” Kevin murmured.
“Listen, Kevin. Mom doesn’t have to know,” I suggested, my voice mellow and soothing. Hypnotism was my only hope. “We’ll wait and surprise her with a real, fancy, formal wedding—”
“Guess my curse worked, after all,” Xanthe interjected, smiling smugly, her arms crossed atop her large chest.
“Goddesses can’t be used to curse people,” I informed her.
“Says who?” she replied.
“Says my friend Barbara,” I snapped back.
She put her hands on her hips and began to circle me. Was she going to curse me…or go right for a knockdown-dragout fight?
I centered my body in a tai chi stance, took a deep breath and willed myself to relax, then stepped carefully to the rear, turning with her, my arms in a ward-off position. That ought to take care of either a curse or a fight.
“Thought I’d come home for lunch,” a much-loved voice interrupted our dance, faltering on the last word.
Wayne. Wayne was home. What was he seeing? I was afraid to take my eyes off Xanthe to look at him. But I heard his quick footsteps and felt him at my side. Now my body really was relaxed, the way I had willed it to be earlier. Safe. I felt the warmth of relief filling my torso and spreading to my limbs.
“What…” he began, then finished up with, “Felix!” as if that explained everything. And in fact, it did, I remembered.
“Felix is here to spread the word of our marriage,” I explained maliciously. I didn’t have to swivel my head to see Wayne’s face turn to stone.
“Hey…um…Big Guy,” Felix greeted Wayne, his voice too high. He quickly moved behind Xanthe. A good choice in shields, as far as human shields went. But a shield wasn’t going to be enough.
Murder, My Deer (A Kate Jasper Mystery) Page 7
