by J. L. Perry
“He fell asleep when I read him a book,” I whisper. I get up from my chair and walk towards my bed. “I’ll just wake him up and let him know you are back.”
Mason gently grabs my arm. “Wait,” he says softly. “Don’t wake him just yet.” I turn to face him. I wonder why he asked me not to do that? “I just want to talk to you first.”
“What do you need to talk to me about?” He puts his hand around my waist, and pulls me towards him.
“About this,” he whispers, before crashing his lips to mine. I put my hands on his chest to push him away, but Mason tightens his grip around my waist and pulls me closer.
What the hell!
“I missed your lips, Red,” he breathes into my mouth. I’ve missed his lips too, but I’m not about to tell him that. I slide my hands up his chest and around his neck as I deepen our kiss. That makes Mason growl into my mouth. We kiss frantically for a few minutes. I’m so turned on. I can feel Mason’s erection pressed up against my stomach.
Shit, I can’t do this again. I’m still getting over the night we spent together a few weeks ago. I agreed tonight to be his friend, but this is just going to complicate things. I reluctantly pull out of the kiss.
“I can’t do this Mason,” I whisper. He looks hurt when I say that. “I agreed to be your friend, but not friends with benefits. I may have given you the wrong idea that night we were together, I can assure you I’m not that sort of girl.”
“I don’t want to be friends with benefits.” I can hear the hurt in his voice. “Hell, I don’t know what I want. I just know that I like you, really like you. I’ve thought about you a lot since you left me that night. I was hurt when I woke and found you gone. I’ve missed what we shared that night, I’ve missed you Red.” He brushes the back of his hand down the side of my face. It makes me shiver. The slightest touch from him does funny things to me.
“You bring out feelings in me that I never knew I could feel. Being with you that night really meant something to me, I didn’t think it would, but it did.”
I don’t know how to respond to that. That night we spent together meant a lot to me too. He made me feel things I’ve never felt before, and honestly, I’ve missed him too, but I’m not ready for more. I don’t know if I ever will be.
I promised myself when I was a little girl that I’d never get married. I’d never give a man that kind of hold or power over me. I know he’s not asking to marry me or anything, but I can’t be his girlfriend either. I just can’t.
Making a serious commitment to a man is something I’m not capable of doing. Even though I live a reasonably normal life now, I’m still too damaged on the inside to ever fully commit to a man.
“I will be your friend Mason, that’s all I can offer you. I can’t be in a relationship with anyone. Ever! I just can’t!” The hurt I see in those beautiful brown eyes of his, make me sad. He just poured his heart out to me, I gave him nothing back. I want to tell him how I truly feel, but there’s no point. We can’t be together like that, it’s just not possible.
“Please, give us a chance?” he pleads as he pulls my head against his chest and wraps me in his arms again. It feels good to be held like this.
“I’m sorry Mason, but I can’t.”
“Why? Give me one good reason why you can’t be with me.”
“It’s nothing personal Mason,” I whisper, “It’s not you, I can’t be in a relationship with any man.” When he asks me if I’m secretly a lesbian, I slap his arm. I know he’s joking by the way he says it. He laughs when I hit him.
“Tell me who hurt you Red? I can tell that someone has hurt you in the past, to make you like this. Talk to me babe, help me understand.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“The nightmares I have when I’m asleep are bad enough, I don’t want to relive it when I’m awake as well.” Tears burn my eyes as I say this.
Mason pulls back from me, he looks confused. “You have nightmares?” I put my head down and nod as embarrassment sweeps over me.
“That’s why I left you in the middle of the night. I was scared if I fell asleep I’d have one. I didn’t want you to think I was a freak.”
“Oh babe,” he says as he pulls me back into his arms. I love it when he calls me babe. When he holds me like this I feel safe.
He strokes my hair as he holds me. After a few minutes, he says, “You know I would never hurt you Jacinta, not intentionally anyway?” I tighten my grip on him. I want to believe that, more than anything. I’m sure my mum thought the same thing about my father when they first met. She never would’ve married him if she knew what he was truly like.
After a few more minutes in Mason’s arms, I pull back from him. “You better get Blake home,” I say.
“I suppose I better. At least one of us gets to sleep in your bed,” he says with a cheeky smile. I playfully smack his arm again.
“Can I have a kiss goodbye?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“You owe me one.” I raise my eyebrows at him.
“I do?”
“Yes. From that night at my house.” he says with a smirk. “If I remember correctly, I didn’t get a goodbye kiss from you before you left.”
I smile. He’s not going to make this friend thing easy for me. Honestly though, I really do want to kiss him again.
“Okay.” His smile widens. He leans forward, cups my face in his hands, pressing his lips to mine. It’s the softest, sweetest kiss I’ve ever had. It actually brings tears to my eyes, it’s so sweet. Nobody has ever made me feel like this. Ever!
He pulls out of the kiss a few minutes later and rests his forehead against mine. “It’s going to be so hard just being your friend Red…” He sighs. “I will take whatever I can get for now. I should warn you though; I’m not giving up on us. I’m going to try my hardest to prove to you that we are good for each other.” He leans down and brushes his lips softly against mine. “Goodnight beautiful,” he whispers.
Swoon!
I’m pretty sure I have the goofiest smile on my face. Oh God, I love it when he whispers like that…and those lips, I love his lips.
He lets go of me and walks over to the bed and gently scoops up Blake. I brush my lips against Blake’s forehead, as Mason holds him.
“Goodnight little man,” I whisper before Mason carries him out of my room.
****
I went to bed that night wondering how I could possibly just be friends with Mason. It’s going to be hard, really, really hard, but it’s the way it has to be. I smile to myself as I lay there thinking about the kiss we had shared earlier. I was still smiling as I drifted off to sleep. That feeling didn’t last long, I had my first nightmare since moving back to Sydney.
I woke in the middle of the night. I could hear my mum crying and my father screaming at her. It was such a familiar sound, but it still made me feel sick inside.
I got out of bed and tip-toed over to my door. I opened it slightly, peeking out through the gap. I could see my parents down the end of the hall. My mum was on her hands and knees in front of my dad. Her dress was pulled up around her waist, my dad positioned behind her. His pants were around his knees. I could see his bare bottom.
He kept ramming himself into the back of my mum, really hard. I was only about five or six at the time, I had no idea that he was raping her.
“You like it when I fuck you hard?” he said as he grabbed hold of my mother’s hair and yanked her head back. “Answer me you fucking whore!” She was whimpering. They were sounds of pain, not pleasure. I looked at my mother’s face and noticed her eye was swollen shut again. There was also blood coming out of her nose. It broke my heart seeing her like this.
I could tell he was hurting her, but I knew that wouldn’t make him stop. He liked it when he hurt her. Sometimes, if I looked at his face when he hit her, he would be smiling. He’s so mean!
He kept ramming into her. Over and over. She was crying. I hate when she cries
. Suddenly, he threw his head back and made a loud funny sound. I noticed his body tremor. I hoped he was dying, but then he stood up. My mum fell into a heap on the floor. She was sobbing now. My father reached down and pulled up his pants, before kicking my mother in the stomach, hard. “Fucking bitch,” he spat.
I quickly bolt up in bed. I can feel warm tears falling down my face. I feel the bed dip, as someone sits down beside me.
“Are you alright sis?” Connor asks as he gently rubs my back.
I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand, as I nod my head. “You can go back to bed Connor,” I sniffle. “I will be alright now.” All I can think about is my poor mum. That’s the first time I’ve ever dreamed about my father raping her. There are so many suppressed memories floating around in my mind. I never know what to expect when a nightmare comes. I’m surprised she survived all the things that monster put her through.
“I’m not leaving you, Jaz.” There’s concern in his tone. “I promised you that first night I heard you have a nightmare, I’d keep you safe, I meant it.” I place my head into my hands and sob.
“My father was raping her.” Connor pulls me into his arms and holds me tight, as I cry.
“Oh Jaz,” is all he says. I’m not sure how long we stay like this. It’s a while.
I wake the next morning. Connor’s asleep on my floor. Poor Connor! He’s such a good brother. He’s spent many a night on my bedroom floor, due to my nightmares. It must be so uncomfortable for him. I make a mental note to buy a blow-up mattress to keep under my bed. If he’s going to give up his bed for the night to comfort me, the least I can do is make him comfortable.
I lean over and wake him up. “Hey, why don’t you go back to your bed where you will be more comfy? I appreciate what you do for me Connor, but I hate the idea of you sleeping on my floor.”
He rubs his eyes and sits up. He looks like shit and it makes me feel bad. He gets up off the floor and stretches before plonking down on the side of my bed.
“How are you feeling this morning?” I can tell he’s worried about me. I move over to the side of the bed and sit next to him.
“I’m okay I guess,” I reply with a shrug. “Thanks for last night! Thank you for all the nights you comfort me. It means a lot.” I rest my head on his shoulder. “I love you Connor.”
I’m so lucky to have him.
He leans over and kisses my forehead. “I love you too Jaz. You don’t have to thank me. It’s my job, as your big brother, to look after you.”
“I’m so thankful to have you in my life.”
“I am glad to have you in my life too Jaz,” he says sincerely. “Happy birthday by the way.” I’d totally forgotten it was my birthday today. I’m finally twenty-one, and no longer a virgin. Woohoo!
Connor gets up off the bed and holds his hand out to me. “Come on,” he says. “Let’s have some coffee before you open your presents. You look like I feel.” I playfully hit him on the arm. Last night had been a pretty shitty night for both of us. Connor sat up half the night and held me while I cried.
****
Mason
I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I’m thinking about Red and that kiss last night. It felt so good to have her lips on mine again. What happened in her past that won’t let her have a relationship with someone? I’m angry to think that someone has hurt her. I hope she will open up to me one day, so I can understand her better.
I hear little footsteps running down the hall. I know Blake’s up and on his way to my room. It’s his sixth birthday today. I’m sure he’s up early because he is eager to open his presents.
He told me last week that his mum either forgot it was his birthday or didn’t have any money to buy him anything, which made me sad. It was the first time he’d ever given me a glimpse into what his life had been like before coming to live with me.
I haven’t even heard from Roxy since she left Blake with me. Stupid bitch! He’s a great little kid. Her loss, my gain. I’m going to go out of my way to make his birthday special today.
My bedroom door suddenly flies open. Blake’s standing there with a big smile on his face. “Happy birthday buddy,” I say as I sit up. “Do you want to have breakfast before you open your presents, or do you want to open your presents first?” His little face lights up.
“Open my presents, open my presents,” he squeals as he jumps up and down. Memories of last month flood my mind, it was our first Christmas together. When Blake got up Christmas morning and saw how many presents were under the tree, he cried. Literally cried. He was so overwhelmed by it all.
That morning I shed a tear too. I really felt for the little guy. I’m so blessed to have him with me. Watching his little face as he opened his presents, made my heart sing. I love having him in my life. There’s a part of me that aches though, thinking of the first five years I missed. I’ll never get them back but, I have the rest of my life with him and that makes me happy.
I climb out of bed and follow him into the lounge room. I set his presents up in there last night before going to bed.
Thankfully, he loves all his gifts. Everything was either, “Cool” or “Awesome.” He especially loved the new bike I bought him. I promised to teach him how to ride it, he’s never ridden one before. He threw his arms around me and told me I was the best dad ever. It brought a lump to my throat.
While Blake ate his breakfast, I had a quick shower and got ready before dressing him for school. I remind him that we have to walk down to the bakery before leaving. I need to buy a birthday cake for him to take to school.
“Can we go and see Jazzi before I go to school?” he asks excitedly. “I want to wish her a happy birthday and give her the present we bought.”
“It’s too early to go over there. She’s probably still in bed.”
“Please dad, pleassseee, she’s my birthday twin. I have to see her before I go to school, I just have to.” Fuck, how could I say no to that?
Fucking birthday twins!
We end up buying a cake for Red too. I ask for Blake’s cake to be delivered to his school. There’s no way I can take that on the back of my bike. Blake has Red’s present in his pocket, he can’t wait to see her. Honestly, I can’t wait to see her either. I haven’t stopped thinking about her since I left there last night.
Connor answers the door in his boxers. “Put some damn clothes on for Christ’s sake,” I snap, “I just ate breakfast.” Connor smiles at me and punches me in the arm.
“Is Jazzi awake?” Blake asks excitedly.
“Yeah, she is in the kitchen making me some coffee little dude. Happy birthday by the way.”
Blake doesn’t answer him, he runs straight to the kitchen to find Red.
“You look like fucking shit man,” I say to Connor. “Did you go out after I left last night?”
“No. Jaz has nightmares sometimes. I was up half the night with her, she was pretty upset.”
“Fuck man! That’s no good. Something bad must have happened for her to have nightmares.” Obviously, I’m fishing for information, which I know is pretty low. I feel bad for being sneaky and going behind her back but, I can’t help her if I don’t know what I’m dealing with.
“Not my story to tell,” Connor replies. “But when her father finally gets out of prison, I’ll definitely be paying that fucker a visit. I’ve been waiting five years to get my hands on that lowlife motherfucker. Anyway, let’s drop it, thinking about the shit Jaz and her mum went through makes me fucking crazy. It’s my little sister’s birthday today, I want to stay in a good mood.”
My heart drops. He doesn’t need to say any more. I can read between the lines. Fuck! Red’s childhood sounds exactly like mine. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about what she’d probably went through as a child. I know exactly how it feels to have a fucked up coward of a father, who gets off on beating his wife and child.
“How much longer before he gets out of prison?”
“He got nine years. He’s already served sev
en of them. Don’t mention anything in front of Jaz, she hates talking about that shit.”
I’m shocked by the amount of anger coursing through my body. I try not to let Connor see it. I’d seriously like to pay that fucker a visit too.
I follow Connor into the kitchen. When I see Jacinta I almost swallow my fucking tongue. I rake my eyes over her barely covered, sexy as hell body. I want to lick my lips. Fuck, I would love to wake up to that every day.
She has her back to me, thank god, and so does Connor. I don’t think he would appreciate the way I’m looking at his sister right now. She’s wearing these tiny white silk shorts that have a lace trim around the bottom, and a matching camisole. Fuck, her arse is fine. I want her to turn around, so I can check out those spectacular tits of hers.
Blake’s sitting on the counter talking to her, while she makes the coffee. “Got time for a quick coffee before you leave Mason?” Connor asks. Red spins around when she hears my name. Fucking hell, the view from the front is even better. I want to trace that lace trim just above her perfect tits, with my tongue. My cock is getting hard just thinking about it. I’m glad I’m wearing my suit jacket; it covers the now growing bulge in my pants.
I pass Jacinta the box with the cake inside. “Blake and I bought you a birthday cake from the bakery down the road.” She looks me up and down, before smiling.
“You look handsome in a suit,” she says as she opens the lid of the box and looks inside. She thinks I look handsome? I’m pretty positive I’m smiling like a fucking fool right now.
“Yummy, chocolate cake, my favourite! Thanks guys, it was sweet of you to think of me.”
“Dad got me one too,” Blake adds smiling. “I am going to have it at school today. All the kids in my class are going to sing happy birthday to me.” Red smiles at him.
“Maybe you can come over after school and share this one with me. After all, we are birthday twins remember.”
Again, with the fucking birthday twins!
“Oh I almost forgot,” Blake says as he digs his little hand into his pocket. “Dad and I got you a present.” He pulls out the box and passes it to her. “I picked it all by myself Jazzi.” He’s smiling again, looking very proud of himself.
