by Louise Hall
“Maybe I will…” Cate teased, trailing her hand down the front of his t-shirt. “If you tell me why you’ve been missing for the last couple of days?”
“Ugh,” Kian fell back and covered his face with his arms, “does it really matter? I’m here now.”
“But for how long?” Cate asked.
Before Kian could answer, Lola came running into the bedroom. “Mummy, can we go... Daddy, you’re here?” She skidded to a halt at the side of the bed.
“I am,” Kian quickly sat up and shoved a pillow over his groin. “Mummy said she taught you how to swim yesterday.”
Lola beamed, “she did. I’m really good, aren’t I, Mummy?”
“After breakfast, you’ll have to show me,” Kian said. Lola’s eyes lit up, “you’re not going out today?”
Kian shook his head. He reached for Cate’s hand and gave it a squeeze, “I’ll be here.”
“Come on,” Cate said to Lo. “Let’s get started on breakfast while Daddy gets dressed. We need to get Max down from the naughty shelf.”
Kian raised his eyebrows, “what did that furry little rascal do now?”
When Lola wouldn’t answer, Cate stepped in, “it’s a long story, I’ll tell you later. Come on, little one.”
When they got to the doorway, Lola stopped and turned back, “you’re definitely not going out today?”
“I promise, sweetheart,” Kian said softly. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much these last few days.”
Lola ran back and threw herself at Kian, “Daddy, please don’t go away again, I missed you too much.”
CHAPTER 7
“Bloody hell,” Vanessa yelped as she, Cate and Thom walked into the university refectory, which had floor-to-ceiling windows down one side. The sky was pitch-black and the rain was lashing against the windows. “It looks like arma-freaking-geddon out there.”
As they stood and watched, a bright flash of lightning blistered across the sky, quickly followed by a loud crack of thunder. “That means that the storm is right above our heads, doesn’t it?” Vanessa asked Thom.
“We’ll be fine,” Thom slung an arm across Vanessa’s shoulders. He guided her through the refectory. When they got to the doors which led to the open-air courtyard they had to cross to get to the other side of the campus. Vanessa planted her feet and refused to go any further.
“Vee, we’re going to be late,” Thom checked his watch. “You know what Baxter’s like?”
“I can’t,” Vanessa insisted. “You go; I’ll wait for you in the library. Please?”
“Fine,” Thom conceded, running his fingers through his dirty-blonde hair. “Cate, you coming?”
“I think I’m going to stay with Vanessa,” Cate linked her arm through her friend’s. She wasn’t afraid of thunderstorms but her daughter was; she needed to call Kian and make sure that Lola was OK. Since Cate had a class this afternoon, Kian was going to pick her up from his Mum’s after training.
Cate and Vanessa walked back to the refectory and queued up for steaming-hot mugs of tea. “I’m such a wuss,” Vanessa bemoaned, blowing the steam off her tea. “I just really, really hate thunderstorms.”
“I get it,” Cate said, still worrying about Lola. “Geez, that’s hot.” She put her mug down on the table. “Can you watch it for me? I’m just going to make a quick call.”
Kian’s phone was engaged so she left a voicemail, asking him to call her back. When she got back to the refectory, Thom was there. “What happened?”
“Class got cancelled,” Thom explained. “Baxter’s got food poisoning.”
After Cate had dropped Thom and Vanessa back at their flat in Rusholme, she tried calling Kian again but his phone was now switched off. “Thanks for calling me back,” she grumbled, dropping her phone on the passenger seat. Kian must have known that she’d be worried about Lola with the weather this bad; the least he could have done was texted her to say that she was OK.
When she eventually got home, she was exhausted. The rain was still pelting down. Cate pulled up the hood of her yellow raincoat and made a dash for the front door.
“Hello?” she called but Kian and Lola probably couldn’t hear her because of the storm raging outside. Ugh, her jeans were soaked through and sticking to her legs. She peeled off her sodden coat and boots and dumped them in the cupboard under the front stairs. She grabbed a band and put her damp hair up in a messy bun and then went in search of some dry clothes. She was just walking past the kitchen when she heard Ben’s voice. “You need to tell Cate.”
Cate pushed open the kitchen door. “Tell me what?” She tried to keep her voice as light as possible.
“I’ve said Ben and Erin can have our old Christmas tree, theirs has broken,” Kian shrugged, “we’ll get a real one instead.”
“Um, thanks,” Ben shifted awkwardly. “I’d better go.”
Kian followed him out, “yeah, I’ll get the tree for you.”
Cate gripped the countertop, forcing some much-needed air into her lungs. She wanted to wring Kian’s neck. While she’d been driving home from university, trying hard to concentrate on the slick roads even though she was worried about Lola, Kian had been having a cosy chat with her brother; giving away the Christmas tree Cate had bought with her own money to celebrate their first Christmas together. Why couldn’t Ben and Erin buy their own darn tree? How do you even “break” a Christmas tree?
“Mummy, look at me!” Cate followed her daughter’s voice through to the lounge. “Daddy made me a fort.”
“Wow.” For Lola’s sake, Cate pretended to be impressed. She’d deal with Kian later. He’d moved the sofa and the two armchairs into the middle of the lounge and fitted a couple of sheets across the top and down the sides to make a fort. To make it really special, he’d draped Christmas lights across the top. Might as well since we haven’t got a tree to put them on anymore.
“Mummy, come inside.”
“I’m all wet, sweetie. I’m going to change my trousers and I’ll be right back.”
After she’d changed into an old pair of tracksuit bottoms, Cate crawled inside the makeshift fort and was about to lie down next to Lola. “Wait, I need to get Max.” Lola picked up the cuddly toy, which was wrapped tightly in a towel. “Why’s Max all bundled up?” Cate asked.
“He doesn’t like storms,” Lola kissed the top of his head and settled him down between her and the sofa.
“Sweetie,” Cate said, giving her daughter a cuddle, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. Were you scared?”
“I was,” Lola nodded, wrapping her little arms around Cate’s middle. “It was so bright and noisy. Daddy made me this fort; he said that the lights are angels watching over me.”
“Mummy, do you believe in heaven?”
“Yes,” Cate said without hesitation, “what made you ask that?”
“Do you think Daddy’s Daddy is in heaven? Granny Jean talks to him sometimes.”
“I do,” Cate nodded, thinking of Eamon. “I think he’s one of those beautiful lights protecting you.”
“Mummy, why don’t you have a Daddy?” Lola asked. “Is he in heaven like Grandpa Eamon?”
“No,” Cate shook her head. “I don’t have a Daddy. I’ve got Auntie Liv, Auntie Remy and Uncle Ben instead.”
“Mummy, can we sleep here tonight?” Lola snuggled into Cate’s side.
Cate was saved from having to answer when Kian walked into the lounge. “Cate?”
“We’re in here, Daddy,” Lola called. Kian knelt down on the carpet and peeled back the sheets.
“Mummy said we can sleep here tonight,” Lola clapped her hands.
“Why don’t you go and put your jammies on?” Kian said. “I need to talk to Mummy for a minute.”
“OK,” Lola said obediently. “Daddy, will you sleep here too?”
Cate followed her daughter out of the fort. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
The intensity of Kian’s gaze burned her skin, “you sleep in our bed.”
&
nbsp; “Don’t even…” Cate held her hand up in front of his face. She couldn’t believe his audacity. “You can’t tell me where to sleep. You gave away our Christmas tree.”
“Ben…”
“My brother is perfectly capable of buying his own darn tree. That was our first Christmas tree and you gave it away like it was nothing. We opened our daughter’s 1st Christmas presents under that tree.”
Kian shook his head, “I didn’t think, angel. I’m sorry.” He turned towards the front door, “I’ll get it back.”
“Don’t bother,” Cate was tired of fighting with Kian; she wanted her husband back. She sank to her knees, covering her face with her hands. “It won’t change the fact that you gave it away. Our first Christmas together, we made love under that tree.” She couldn’t stop the tears from trickling down her cheeks.
She dropped her hands from her face and looked up at Kian. “I don’t know what happened at the World Cup because you won’t talk to me.”
Kian knelt down in front of her. “I told you I’m not good with words.”
“I don’t expect poetry; I just want you to talk to me,” Cate held his face in her hands. “Please tell me what happened at the World Cup?”
Kian lifted up his hands and gently removed hers from his face. “Nothing happened,” he lied.
Cate heard Lola’s footsteps on the stairs. “You sleep upstairs and I’ll sleep down here with Lola tonight.”
Kian shook his head. Cate quickly wiped her eyes so Lola wouldn’t see that she’d been crying. “If you’re going to keep shutting me out, what does it matter where I sleep?”
“Mummy?” Lola tugged at the sleeve of Cate’s Christmas jumper.
It was the Thursday before Christmas and Cate and Lola were sat at the top of the stairs, watching the firm Kian had hired deliver and decorate their new Christmas tree. The tree they’d delivered was perfect; it was just the right height for the large entrance hall and the branches were symmetrical, full and green. That’s the problem, Cate thought, looking at it again. It’s too perfect. She desperately missed their artificial tree with precious memories wrapped around its branches like fairy lights. It now stood taunting her from Ben and Erin’s lounge window.
Cate had tried to be positive, she’d bought them all brightly-coloured Christmas jumpers and she and Lola were wearing theirs. Lola was wearing a bobble in her ponytail with little red and green bells which tinkled while Cate was wearing a headband in the shape of a Christmas tree with bright flashing lights. Even Max had a little Santa hat on his head. Cate had bought Kian a jumper as well – it was red with a sparkly Christmas tree on the front but he’d refused to wear it – he’d taken the bag from Cate and stuffed it at the back of the wardrobe.
But despite her best efforts, the room still felt cold and sterile. Apart from the rustle of tissue paper as the decorator carefully unwrapped each of the baubles and put them on the tree, there was no noise at all.
“What are you doing?” Kian asked, nearly tripping over the two of them as he went to go downstairs.
Cate pulled Lola up on to her knee so Kian could get past them.
“Mummy, please can I help?” Lola asked again. Her eyes lit up as she watched all of the shiny, gold baubles being unwrapped.
“Did you get that DVD for Sinead?” Kian asked Cate.
Cate slapped a hand against her forehead, “no, I completely forgot.”
“Cate,” Kian scowled. “I asked you to do one thing.”
“I’m sorry,” Cate said, trying to keep her voice low. She started to get up from the stairs, “I’ll go now.”
“Whatever,” Kian shrugged his shoulders.
Suddenly, she heard a bump and when she looked down one of the crates had toppled over and the baubles were spilling out on to the carpet. “Lola,” Kian said sternly, “what are you doing down there?”
Lola immediately stopped; her bottom lip began to quiver. Kian had never spoken to her like that. She was usually really well-behaved but if she ever needed telling off, he left that to Cate.
As Kian got to the bottom of the stairs, the decorator came over to him. “Excuse me, would you mind?”
Kian looked up at Cate, “can you deal with this?”
For a moment, Cate didn’t know what to say. She looked at Lola, who was stood there biting her bottom lip, trying really hard not to cry. All she’d wanted to do was look at the shiny baubles.
Cate thought about what Christmas had been like when she was Lola’s age. They’d lived in a two-bedroom flat in Withington. Most of their neighbours were university students. Irene had started her business but it wasn’t making much money so she worked every night doing telesales so that she could pay the bills. Ben had the small box room, which was just about big enough for a single bed while Cate, Liv and Remy shared the other bedroom. Liv and Remy had bunk beds while Cate slept on a mattress on the floor. Irene slept on the sofa-bed in the lounge.
They usually started pestering Irene to let them put the tree up in the middle of November and at first she would say no and hold firm. But as a busy single parent, she couldn’t hold out for long against four determined children. She usually gave in the 1st weekend in December. Each flat had a small cupboard in the basement and they would all troop downstairs to retrieve the plastic box of decorations. It was always a tense moment when they opened the lid, wondering if any of the decorations had broken during the year. They didn’t have much money so the baubles were either really old, hand-me-downs or cheap.
Even if most of the decorations were intact, they still had to check the lights to make sure that they worked. Everybody breathed a sigh of relief when they flicked the switch and most of the bulbs lit up. If there were a few that didn’t, they could be hidden deep in the branches of their artificial tree. They’d had the same artificial tree every year for as long as Cate could remember. Every year the branches got thinner and thinner as more of the plastic pine needles fell off.
They’d always decorated the tree as a family and they were some of Cate’s favourite childhood memories. It was the one night of the year that Irene wasn’t distracted by work; she would switch off her cell phone and her computer and put the Christmas CD on the stereo. They would eat mince pies and drink apple juice out of fancy glasses, pretending it was the finest champagne. There wasn’t a colour scheme or a carefully designed plan of where to put each bauble. You picked a bauble out of the box and put it on an empty branch. The tree wasn’t perfect and the decorations were often made out of tissue paper rather than being carefully wrapped up in it but what Cate remembered most was how much fun they had. She wanted that for Lola.
“Come on, sweetie,” Cate said softly, taking Lola by the hand. “Let’s go and put our shoes on.”
Kian felt like the world’s worst Dad; he could still see Lola’s little face looking up at him. She’d bitten her lip and tried not to cry but her big, black eyes were watery.
“Where are you going?” Kian asked a few minutes later when Cate and Lola came downstairs with their coats and scarves on.
“Out,” Cate said, looking scornfully at the soulless Christmas tree.
Kian watched from behind the curtain as Cate’s car disappeared down the end of the road and then pulled out his cell phone. Jenna answered straight away, as if she’d been waiting for his call. “Hi,” she said brightly.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Kian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m going to tell Cate the truth.”
Jenna gasped, “Don’t do it, please. Like you said, it was just one night. Why destroy your family over it? I swear, I won’t say anything as long as you keep paying me.”
Kian couldn’t miss those last few words, “as long as you keep paying me.” “I’m sorry,” he insisted, “but I can’t keep doing this. I’ll give you one last payment to cover Christmas.”
“But I need that money. I’ve got bills to pay,” Jenna pleaded. “What am I going to do?”
When that didn’t work, she changed tack. “
She’ll leave you, you know?” Jenna said bitterly. “She’ll leave you and take your kid with her, is that really what you want?”
Kian knew she was right; he knew Cate would leave him as soon as he told her the truth.
After he’d finished speaking to Jenna, he called Ben. “What do you want?” Ben asked coldly when he answered the phone.
“I need you to give something to Jenna for me,” Kian explained.
“No,” Ben said. “I told you the last time I’m not doing this anymore.”
“It’s the last time, I promise,” Kian said. “I’m going to tell Cate the truth.”
Kian explained that he was going to tell Cate on Boxing Day, he didn’t want to ruin Christmas by doing it before. “If you’re going to tell Cate, why do you need to give Jenna anything?” Ben asked.
“She’s got bills to pay,” Kian replied.
“Tell her to get a job,” Ben snapped.
“It’s the last payment, just to help her out,” Kian replied. “I’ve told her it’s the last one.”
As soon as they stepped through the sliding glass doors of the supermarket, Cate felt a real sense of Christmas. It was bright, noisy and chaotic. They found the Christmas tree aisle and there were still a few left for sale. “But we’ve already got a tree?” Lola frowned.
“I know,” Cate said, “but how would you like one of your own? You can have it in your bedroom.”
“Really?” Lola said.
“Let’s choose a really nice one,” Cate said. They wandered up and down the aisle, looking at all the trees.
“I like that one,” Lola said, pointing to one of them.
“Perfect,” Cate said, she picked it up and put it in their trolley. “Now we’ll need some lights and some decorations?”
“Can I help decorate this one?” Lola asked.
“Of course you can,” Cate said softly. Her heart broke a little. Why didn’t Kian want his daughter to be happy?
They chose some lights and lots of different baubles, all the colours of the rainbow and none of them wrapped up in tissue paper.
