by Louise Hall
“It’s OK, angel, you don’t have to,” Kian rubbed her back, “you don’t have to.”
“I know you can’t forgive me,” Kian said, tilting her head back so he could look at her. “Please just give me until Sinead and Fabrizio’s wedding.”
“Hello?” They heard Wilf’s voice boom out behind them.
“Wilf,” Thelma hissed, “you said you weren’t going to interrupt them?”
“I can’t be waiting all day,” Wilf grumbled, “I’ve got a bloody pub to run.”
“Sorry,” Cate quickly got up and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “I know you’re busy…”
“Nonsense,” Thelma bustled towards Cate, “don’t listen to the old fool, nobody else does.”
Cate laughed, “I wanted to bring you these.” She handed over the Tupperware and the flowers. “I’m so sorry you couldn’t come to Lola’s party yesterday.”
“Come through, I’ll put them in some water,” Thelma led them inside the pub. “Aren’t they beautiful?”
Kian hadn’t been inside the pub before; he looked at the Rovers memorabilia on the walls. “That’s Cup Final Day” Wilf said when he caught Kian looking at one of the photos on the wall. “It was a lovely day, we set the TV up outside and had a barbecue, lots of children milling about.”
“Is that…?” Kian looked more closely at the photo. Cate and Lola were there in matching Rovers’ shirts.
“Aye,” Wilf said, twiddling his moustache. “She watches all your games, you know?”
The bell rang above the door, “I’d better be getting back to work.”
“Wait,” Kian called, “I wanted to say thank you again for taking care of them both.”
“Like I’ve said before,” Wilf winked at him, “anybody would have done the same. You just take care of them now.”
CHAPTER 21
“Wow,” Cate felt like she could breathe again. The final whistle had gone and Rovers had beaten Everton 2-1, boosting their chances of playing in the Europa League next season.
“Come on, time for bed,” Cate said as Lola stifled a yawn.
“But they might talk to Daddy?” Lola pouted. “Just five more minutes, please?”
“Fine,” Cate rolled her eyes, “but after that, you’ve got to go straight to sleep, it’s very late.”
“Waiting in the tunnel we’ve got Man of the Match Jack Yoakam and the winning goalscorer, Kian Warner.”
“Daddy,” Lola squealed and moved closer to the TV.
Cate watched as Kian lifted up a hand to scratch his eyebrow and there on his hand was his wedding ring. She blinked, thinking there must be some mistake – Kian never wore his ring – but there it was. Then in case she hadn’t seen it the first time, he reached up and ran a hand through his hair and she saw it again. She reached down and rubbed where her own wedding ring used to be. It felt bare.
Later that night, Kian phoned. Ever since Lola’s birthday party, he’d called Cate every night. “Is she asleep?” He was gutted that he hadn’t been able to say goodnight to Lola. “Traffic was a bitch; I’ve only just got home.”
Cate looked down at their daughter, sleeping peacefully, clutching her Dad’s England shirt. She leaned down and gently kissed Lola’s forehead.
She took the phone upstairs with her to her attic bedroom. “I gave her a goodnight kiss from you.”
“So, um…” Kian sounded nervous, “did you watch the match?”
“I did.” They discussed the match for a little bit and then Kian asked, “what about the interview afterwards, did you see that?”
“You had your ring on?”
“When you said that about being my dirty, little secret… I realised what it must have looked like. I should have asked you and Lola to come to Portugal with me. I’m so fucking proud to be your husband, Cate. I was just trying to protect you from all the bullshit that comes with my job.”
“Why does everybody think that they need to protect me all the time?” Cate asked. “I’m not a little girl.”
“Because they love you. I love you,” Kian said, “just the thought of anyone hurting you, it kills me.”
With his words warming her insides, Cate curled up on her bed, “It’s not just you, I need to take responsibility too. I never should have enrolled at university as Cate Klein, that’s not who I am anymore.”
“Do you still have my ring?”
“Are you thinking about wearing it again?” Kian asked. Cate couldn’t miss the hope in his voice.
“I don’t know,” Cate answered honestly. “I just need to know that it’s safe.”
“It is, I’m looking after it for you,” Kian said. “You’re going to tell them then, Vanessa and Thom?”
“I think so, yes,” Cate said. “I just wish I knew how they’d take it?”
Cate tossed and turned all night. She was so nervous about telling Vanessa and Thom the truth. Would they hate her for lying to them all this time?
She got to the university campus far too early and sat in the quiet refectory waiting for them to arrive. The clock above the door seemed to turn so slowly. What if they’re running late? Cate panicked. She couldn’t wait until after class to talk to them; her stomach felt like it was on a spin cycle. Suddenly, the doors swung open and Cate recognised Vanessa’s tumbling mass of auburn curls.
“Hey,” Vanessa waved, spotting Cate across the refectory.
“Where’s Thom?”
“He’s getting the brews,” Vanessa looked over her shoulder. “There he is.”
Thom navigated his way through the tables carrying three Styrofoam cups of coffee.
“Thanks,” Cate took her cup and put it to one side. She was so wired already; the last thing she needed was caffeine. “I need to tell you something.”
“Okay,” Vanessa said. “Damn it,” she pulled a pencil out of her hair, “Thom, stop hiding things in my hair.”
Cate twisted one of the rings she wore to hide the white band of skin on her wedding finger. It was so hard. She couldn’t look at their faces so she stared at the bumpy surface of the Styrofoam cup. “You know that guy that was waiting outside uni the other day?”
“Your brother’s friend,” Thom nodded.
“Ooh, he was F-I-N-E, Fine,” Vanessa giggled before Thom gave her a look.
“He’s not my brother’s friend,” Cate stumbled over her words. “Well, he is but he’s not just that. He’s my husband. He’s Lola’s Dad.”
“But I thought you said Lola’s Dad wasn’t in the picture,” Vanessa frowned.
“We’ve been separated since Christmas,” Cate said. “It’s complicated because he’s kind of famous.”
Vanessa smiled. “Now, I know you’re joking.”
“I’m not,” Cate pulled out her phone. “His name’s Kian Warner and he’s a footballer for Manchester Rovers.”
Vanessa looked at Thom, “have you heard of him?”
Thom nodded. Cate found the photo Jean had taken of the three of them before Kian left for the World Cup. “Oh my God,” Vanessa said, loud enough that the people sat at the tables nearby turned around.
She handed Cate her phone back and got up from the table. “I need some air.”
Cate got up to follow her but Thom put a hand on her arm. “Let her go,” he said softly.
“But I need to explain,” Cate said. “I never meant to hurt her.”
“I know,” Thom said.
Cate looked at him, “how can you be so calm about all of this?”
“I’m not as…” he searched for the right words, “I guess I’m not as emotional as Vanessa. Also, I saw the story that came out about him and I’m guessing you’ve had a really hard time these last few months.”
“You could say that,” Cate said, blinking away tears. “I don’t deserve a friend like you, Thom.”
“Sure you do,” Thom shrugged. “Everybody has their secrets, Cate.”
“Do you think Vanessa will ever forgive me?”
“I think so,” Thom said. He looke
d down at his watch. “Come on, let’s go to class.”
“What about Vanessa?” Cate asked, looking around.
“I’ll take notes for her,” Thom said. “Heaven knows, it won’t be the first time.”
“How did it go?” Liv asked when Cate came downstairs to the basement; she’d just put Lola to bed.
Cate shrugged, “that girl loves her sleep.”
She felt a kernel of popcorn smack her on the cheek, “I wasn’t talking about Lola, you goofball, I was talking about Vanessa and Thom, you were going to tell them about Kian today, right?”
“I did. Vanessa’s not speaking to me.” Cate flopped down on the other end of the couch and pulled the duvet over her cold feet. She was hoping that movie night with her sister would take her mind off everything.
Ever since Cate had made her watch Jane Eyre a couple of weeks ago, Liv had become obsessed with the actor Michael Fassbender.
“What movie have you picked?” Cate asked, reaching for a handful of popcorn.
“Fish Tank,” Liv handed Cate the box and surprise, Michael Fassbender was in this one too.
“He’s not going to be all skin and bones with bed sores in this one, is he?” Cate teased. Last week, they’d watched Hunger.
“No, course not,” Liv huffed. “Anyway, he had to be skinny in that one because he was playing a guy on a hunger strike.”
“Yeah, well those bed sores totally put me off my pizza,” Cate joked. It was just too easy.
“Shut up,” Liv threw a cushion at Cate, “or I’ll make you watch Badminton in the Garden again.”
Liv was particularly obsessed with one of the deleted scenes from Jane Eyre.
Cate shook her head, “you’re obsessed. You need, like a 12-step program or something.”
After they’d finished watching the movie, Cate picked the empty popcorn bowl up off the floor. “Why doesn’t he ever do a nice rom-com?”
“He likes conflict,” Liv said. “Most romantic comedies are boring.”
“I like boring,” Cate said, thinking about the last 12 months. “At least there were no bed sores in this one.”
CHAPTER 22
For the second night in a row, Cate couldn’t sleep at all. She had to make things right with Vanessa. Vanessa and Thom were the first real friends she’d made outside of her family and Kian’s friends. Yet she hadn’t trusted them with the truth. It wasn’t fair to them or Kian. She’d resented Kian for not publicly acknowledging their marriage but she’d done exactly the same thing. She wasn’t Cate Klein. If she was going to be honest with Thom and Vanessa, she needed to be honest with herself. For now at least, she was Cate Warner. Kian was a big part of her life; he wasn’t just Lola’s Dad.
“Hey,” Kian said, when he answered the phone. Just hearing his voice calmed her down. “It’s going to be fine.”
Cate sat in her car in the university car park. Her heart was beating so fast. “I know.”
“Angel, did you sleep at all last night?” Kian laughed.
“Nope,” Cate said, wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. “Tell me again.”
“It’s going to be fine,” Kian repeated. “From what you’ve told me, Vanessa seems cool. She’ll soon realise that this doesn’t change anything, you’re still you.”
“I really hope you’re right.”
“I’m always right,” Kian chuckled.
When she got to the refectory, Thom was just paying for two cups of coffee. “Hi,” Cate said shyly, looking around for Vanessa.
“She’s running late,” Thom explained.
“Oh,” Cate looked at the two cups of coffee in his hand, “so…”
“It’s for you,” Thom handed her the 2nd cup. “I’m guessing you didn’t get much sleep last night?”
Kian had asked her the same question. “Am I really that obvious?”
“You’re still you, Cate – you’ve just got a different surname. I’ve been thinking about it and maybe it’s for the best. If we’d known about The Secret when we first met you, we probably never would have become friends. We would have had all these pre-conceived ideas about what you were going to be like. It would have been the same for you – you wouldn’t have known if we’d genuinely wanted to be your friends. Everybody deserves a blank slate.”
“Still, I’m sorry – I should have trusted you both,” Cate sipped her coffee, “I know you’re not like that, either of you.”
“Are you coming to class?” Thom asked. Cate shook her head, “I’m going to wait for Vanessa.”
It was a warm, sunny day so Cate decided to wait in the grassy area behind the refectory. She walked to the fence at the far end and pulled out her phone, “can you talk?”
“I’m on hands free,” Kian said.
“I need you to distract me,” Cate said, feeling the butterflies inside her stomach multiply. “Tell me something funny.”
“Hm,” Kian paused. “There is something – I wasn’t going to tell you because I thought you’d go through the roof but I think it’s quite funny. Lola asked me what a stripper was.”
“She did what?” Cate yelped. “How on Earth does our 4-year-old daughter know what a stripper is?”
“Who knows?” Kian laughed. “It wasn’t from me.”
“Oh no,” Cate covered her face with her hands, “what did you say?”
“I said it was somebody who takes their clothes off to music.”
“Okay.”
“Then she said, “Daddy, is Mummy a stripper because she listens to music when she takes her clothes off?”
“She did not say that!”
“She absolutely did,” Kian said. “If this uni thing doesn’t work out, I think Lo’s already picked out your next career move. If you want to borrow the tassels, I can definitely dig them out.”
“Ugh,” Cate gripped the fence posts, “you’re thinking of me in those tassels, aren’t you?”
“And nothing else,” Kian sighed, “what a fucking incredible sight.”
“Hey,” Cate said, “you’re not allowed to say things like that to me, we’re separated.”
“My head knows that,” Kian said. Cate could tell he was smirking. “I’m not sure about my cock though. I’m just pulling into the training ground, was that enough of a distraction for you?”
“You’re a pig,” Cate said, feeling all hot and bothered.
Kian laughed, “oink, oink.”
“Cate?” she turned around to see Vanessa. “What are you doing out here?”
Cate gulped, “I was, uh… I was waiting for you. Can we talk?”
“Whatever,” Vanessa led them to a shaded spot under one of the huge oak trees.
“I brought Skittles,” Cate took the bag out of the front pocket of her rucksack and placed them on the ground by Vanessa’s knee. “These are your favourite, aren’t they?” Vanessa wouldn’t even look at them.
“Please Vanessa; I’m really sorry for keeping this from you.”
Vanessa turned her head slightly towards Cate; her emerald-green eyes full of hurt. “You didn’t trust us.”
“No, that’s not it, not at all,” Cate said quickly. “I just wanted an escape from being his wife for a little bit.”
“Is he really that bad?”
“No, he’s not,” Cate sighed, “it’s a long story.”
“In that case, I’d better open these.” Vanessa picked up the bag of Skittles and smiled a little at Cate.
“Huh,” Vanessa said when Cate had finished. “So what are you going to do now?”
Cate picked up a twig and began tracing it through the dirt. There was really only one answer. “I’ve got to get a divorce.” Whew, she put a hand on her stomach, even just saying the d-word out loud felt like a sucker punch to the gut.
“Why?” Vanessa asked neutrally.
“He…” Cate gulped, “he cheated on me, Ness. As much as I love him, there’s just no going back from that.”
Vanessa popped another Skittle in her mouth. “If it’s so black and wh
ite, why haven’t you done it already?”
“I still love him,” Cate said. “Ugh, I’m such a loser.”
Vanessa laughed, “you’re not a loser, Cate.”
“If it was just me, I’d take him back. I’m such a fool, I’d let him put my battered heart through the blender over and over again but it’s not. I’ve got to think about what’s best for Lo.”
“What’s best for Lola is having a Mum who’s happy. My parents got divorced when I was about the same age as Lola. I’m not going to lie to you and say I didn’t wish on my birthday candles that they’d change their minds and get back together. But now I’m older I can see that they didn’t make each other happy. I dread to think what it would have been like to grow up with parents who didn’t love each other anymore and were only still together because of me.”
“You think I should get a divorce?” Ugh, the d-word hit her right in the gut again.
Vanessa dragged her fingers through her hair, “Let me ask you a question and I want you to answer either yes or no, OK?” Cate nodded. “Does he make you happy?”
“Yes.” The word tumbled out of Cate’s mouth before she could stop it. “But supposing I take him back, what kind of example does that set for Lola? That it’s okay for somebody to cheat on you?”
“That everybody makes mistakes, it’s part of being human. It takes a lot of strength to forgive somebody, to truly give them a second chance.”
“What if he does it again?”
“If you’re thinking about taking him back, that’s something you’ve got to ask yourself. Can you trust him?”
“Ugh,” Cate tossed the twig to one side. “I’m more confused than ever.”
“I don’t think you are,” Vanessa chuckled. “I think that’s the problem.” She stood up and reached out her hand to Cate, “come on, let’s go and find Thom.”
When Cate got home that afternoon, she thought she’d get some studying done before she picked Lola up from Jean’s. When she opened the door to the basement, the light was on. “Hello?”
“Hey,” came the muffled reply.
