by Lois Richer
“I think maybe He does,” Kelly said thoughtfully. “And I think they want to be part of your family, too. I think they’re lonely.”
“’Cause they don’t gots no little girls?” Emma whispered then nodded. “They gived us lots of presents so we’d like them.”
“Mouths of babes.” Sam studied his niece in amazement. Such a little bit of a thing, yet Emma saw to the heart of the matter.
“They were really nice presents.” Sadie thought for a moment then asked in a half-fearful voice, “Is that why you think we should go visit them, Auntie Kelly?”
“Because of gifts?” Kelly shook her head. “No. That’s not a good reason. You visit someone because you want to see them, because you care about them.”
Sam frowned at her but Kelly ignored him.
“Maybe if they ask again, we’ll talk about it then.” Her bright smile chased away the shadows he’d seen in her eyes. “But that isn’t something you have to worry about.”
“How come?” Emma asked, her blue eyes narrowing.
“Because if you do go to see the Edwardses, you’ll be taking part of your family with you.” Kelly chuckled when Emma twisted to peer at Sam. “No, not Uncle Sam. I’m sure he’d love to go, but he has to stay on the ranch. I meant God. He goes with us wherever we go, so He’d be right there on the visit with you.”
“Oh.” Sadie looked at Emma. They considered what she’d said for a few minutes before Emma nodded.
“Can we have the princess story now, Auntie Kelly?” Emma asked in a voice significantly louder than it had been before.
Shocked by this change, Sam glanced at Kelly, who was smiling at him with a knowing glint in her eyes. She gave a little nod before she turned to the twins.
“You’re not too tired for a story after such a busy day?” Their aunt laughed when two blond heads shook an emphatic denial. “Okay, then. Well, today was the princess’s birthday.”
“Same as ours!” Sadie cheered. She and Emma high-fived each other.
“Yes, but you see,” Kelly began in a serious voice, “the princess’s boat got untied during the storm last night, and now she’s in a strange place where she doesn’t know any of the people, but they all seem to know her. Princess Adriana is very afraid.”
Sam leaned into the sofa a little more, his shoulder rubbing Kelly’s as he settled in to hear her story, which would, he was certain, amplify the same reassuring things she’d just told the kids. Family was wonderful, family mattered and family loved you no matter what. He also knew she’d add in a part about God being there for the princess as He was for the twins, to reinforce her message about God’s love. Kelly never ended story time without assuring the twins that God loved them. Sam realized he didn’t mind that one bit.
What a woman. What a perfect mother for the twins.
Sam wanted Kelly to stay. But was it only for the twins?
As his shoulder bumped hers and the soft, wispy fragrance of her coconut shampoo filled his senses, he let an image of the future play in his mind. A future with Kelly, here on the Triple D, sharing winter, summer, autumn and spring, watching the kids grow and each other age.
He’d never wanted a future with anyone but Naomi, and that was to be a future filled with travel. Yet in the quietness of this precious family time, the past faded. Sam didn’t want to leave these dear girls. He didn’t want Kelly to leave, either.
Maybe he could risk a future with Kelly. Not because he loved her. He would never allow himself to be that vulnerable again. But he did care for her a great deal.
Would plain old affection be enough for a generous, loving woman like Kelly?
Somehow Sam thought that mere affection would be cheating her. A woman like Kelly was meant to be loved for herself, because she loved everyone else.
And truthfully? Sam didn’t know if he was capable of that kind of love again.
* * *
“So that’s just a bit of what Australia and New Zealand have in store for you.” Kelly smiled at the group gathered in Sheena’s agency a month later. “I hope it’s been helpful. It’s a wonderful place to visit with so much to see that one trip won’t be enough for you.”
She blushed at the loud clapping and faked a bow.
“I’m sure Kelly would be happy to answer any questions,” Sheena said as she stepped to the front. “Let’s get some coffee and a snack, and you can ask her your questions. Then I want to tell you about the tour I intend to escort to Australia next year.”
A unanimous “ooh” rippled through the room before everyone began chattering.
“Thanks, Kelly. You really whetted their appetites, and those picture books you’ve passed around are enhancing the attraction. I’ll have to think of a way to thank the twins for letting me borrow them.” Sheena would have said more, but a client interrupted and she turned away. Kelly spent the next ten minutes answering questions then headed for the coffee table.
“It was an interesting talk,” her mother said from behind her. When Kelly turned she saw Arabella wearing a big smile. “I had no idea you’d been to New Zealand. As a child, I had a pen pal there.”
“I didn’t know that.” Kelly poured a glass of juice, eager to soothe her tired throat.
“We still correspond even though we’re both much older.” Her mother dangled a tea bag in a cup of hot water. “We went through breast cancer together.”
“What?” Kelly almost dropped her juice. “You had breast cancer? When?”
Shocked and appalled that she hadn’t known, she drew her mother into a corner apart from the others and listened as her mother explained what she’d gone through.
“That’s why I didn’t want you to come home that time,” she said. “I was going through chemo and I didn’t want anyone to see me. I looked horrible. But I made it through that and radiation.”
“Marina should have told me.” Anger burned inside.
“She didn’t know.” Arabella shrugged when Kelly frowned at her. “I can’t explain it. I just needed to get through it my own way. Your father was wonderful.”
Kelly couldn’t process the information, couldn’t make the abandonment she’d felt then align with this new view. So she stood silent, listening as her mother shared insights she’d gained from her pen pal.
“I imagine you’ve wanted to visit her there,” Kelly said, but her mom shook her head.
“We’ve talked on Skype, and I’ve often wished I could meet her in person. But I never really liked traveling very much,” she admitted. “I like my home, having the security of my things around me.” She looked directly at Kelly. “I guess that’s why I never understood your wanderlust. I’m sorry I made it so difficult for you to do what you love.”
Completely silenced by the apology, Kelly could only stare at her.
“You see, I always thought my daughters would live near me, that we’d stay in touch, together.” A smile struggled to lift her lips. “When Marina married, I was scared I’d be alone. Then you left and confirmed my worst fear. It’s taken a very long time and some talks with my new friend for me to accept the reality that I make enemies of the ones I love because I try to force them to be what I want. For that, I’m deeply sorry.”
“Oh, Mom. I don’t care about that. I love you.” Kelly embraced her and held on, her heart singing at the abrupt about-face that had taken place. She didn’t know why it had happened, but she praised God for it.
“You’re probably what’s changed me.” Arabella chuckled when she drew away. “And Mayor Marsha happened. Marsha’s become my dearest friend. We’ve shared a lot. She’s the friend I’ve always wanted, and she’s helped me see the mistakes I’ve made, how I must have hurt you all, trying to get my own way. She’s been wonderful.”
“Mom, I’m so glad.” This answer to prayer was so unexpected that Kelly couldn’t quite b
elieve it. “I think moving to Buffalo Gap has started a new life for you.”
“It has.” Her mother’s face suddenly fell. “I only wish Marina—”
“She knows, Mom, and she’s rejoicing. As am I.” She set down her empty glass, took Arabella’s teacup, too, then folded her mother in her arms and held on, savoring the contact she’d craved for years. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too, Kelly. I never said that enough.” Her mother clung to her, her lashes wet against Kelly’s neck. When she finally drew away, remorse filled her face. “I wish you didn’t have to leave, but I understand. That’s your life and you love it.”
Did she love it? Kelly wondered. As much as she once had?
“I just want us to have as much time together as possible before you go.” Arabella smoothed her hair, touched her cheek, her smile radiant. She looked ten years younger. “Come see us and bring the kids. All of them,” she emphasized. “Let’s share the time we have. Your dad would love it and so would I.”
“I’ll come, Mom. I promise.” Kelly hugged her again, unable to believe God had given her this wonderful gift of reconciliation.
“You’ll be welcome, honey. You’re our daughter, part of our family. We love you.” Her mother wiped her eyes, completely smearing her eye shadow. Oddly, she didn’t seem to care. “I have to get home. Your father wants to go for a walk this evening,” she said with a tender smile. “He likes to check on the flowers in the park.”
“Give him a kiss for me, Mom.” Kelly clung to her hand for a moment before releasing it. Her mother turned away then turned back in a rush and enveloped her in a swift hug.
“Thank you for being so forgiving, Kelly,” she whispered in her ear. “I love you. I can’t tell you enough.”
“Love you, too, Mom.” Kelly watched her leave, her heart in her throat.
She glanced around. Sheena had prepared for this night for ages. Seeing her now, among her clients, her face alive, Kelly knew she wasn’t needed anymore. So she slipped out the door and drove to the park.
There she sat in the car and watched her parents enjoy the spring evening as they wandered around the small area, stopping to talk to someone or touch a bloom. Her father held her mother’s hand, and every so often she patted his cheek. Kelly had never seen them so happy together, as if the world around them didn’t matter, as if they didn’t need it because they had each other and that was enough.
Finally, tears streaming down her cheeks, Kelly started the engine and drove back to the ranch.
That was what she wanted. That was why she couldn’t settle for a marriage that was for the twins. Because Kelly Krause wanted the complete package—a man who adored her, whom she adored. She loved Sam, yes. Loved him enough to refuse what he offered because she knew it would never satisfy her needy heart.
“Isn’t there a way You can make Sam love me?” she prayed as she drove. But as always, she came back to the pivotal point in her faith. Trust. Not her will, but God’s. “Help me be okay with that,” she whispered.
Clinging to her faith, Kelly walked inside, ready to tell Sam about her mother. She stopped short at the sight of Abby seated at the kitchen table with Sam, a sheaf of papers spread in front of them, both faces grim.
“What’s wrong?” She glanced from Abby’s serious look to Sam’s angry one, waited to hear the dreaded words.
“The Edwardses have filed their claim. You and Sam are to appear before the judge at the end of next week, which is when he’ll also talk to the children.” Abby bit her lip.
“So soon? But that’s not all of it, is it?” she whispered, reading the truth on Sam’s haggard expression.
“No. The rest of it is that this judge is particularly inclined to favor married guardians who have the time, money and support to care for children,” Sam growled. “We’re going to lose. So where’s God now, Kelly?”
Right here.
But she couldn’t say it because fear had taken control of her world.
* * *
“It was every bit as bad as I said it would be, wasn’t it?” Sam squeezed his fists by his side, silently imploring Kelly to tell him he was wrong.
“I don’t think it went well,” was all she could manage. She kept her eyes averted, staring blankly toward the end of the court building in Calgary.
Sam fought hard to keep his anger in check, only because he feared revealing the least bit of temper at the unfairness of this judge could seriously affect the kids’ future. “Why doesn’t God help?” he demanded.
“I don’t know.” She did face him then, her eyes filled with tears. “I’m scared, Sam. What if he decides the twins have to go? What do we do then?”
“What can we do?” There was a whole lot more he wanted to say, but Kelly’s worried face, her trembling body and the fear anyone could see just by looking at her forced him into action. He drew her into his arms and held her close. “It has to be okay,” he whispered into her hair. “Doesn’t it?”
“I don’t know,” she said, voice muffled by his shirt. “I don’t know.”
They clung together, each trying to bolster the other and both failing miserably. They drew apart only when the twins finally emerged with the court clerk and Abby.
“You should have the judge’s decision soon. Certainly by July first,” the clerk said, her eyes on Emma and Sadie as they wrapped their arms around Sam and Kelly. “Good day.”
“It’s not a good day,” Sadie said to the clerk, her voice loud in the hallway. “And I don’t like that grumpy man. My grandpas are lots nicer.”
Sam wanted to clap at her temerity, but he didn’t dare lest the clerk had some sway with the judge. He stood silent as she glared at him before she turned and walked back into the courtroom.
“I don’t like her, neither,” Sadie added, not quite under her breath.
Emma said nothing. But then she hadn’t since the moment she’d been led inside the building. It had been clear from the judge’s reaction when he’d cut short Abby’s explanation of Emma’s vocal issues that he thought Emma’s behavior stemmed from something Kelly and Sam were doing wrong.
“I don’t like it here.” Sadie’s hand tightened on Sam’s, drawing his attention. “Can we go home?” she asked, gazing up at him with complete trust.
He didn’t deserve that trust. He knew he was going to lose custody of the kids. Because he hadn’t been able to trust God. Or because he wasn’t a good enough father. Or something.
“Yes. Let’s go home, Sam,” Kelly whispered in his ear.
Home? As they walked toward the truck, Sam wondered, Where is home if Kelly and the twins aren’t there? As if in a stupor, he stood mutely, clinging to the twins’ hands, waiting while Kelly thanked Abby for all she’d done.
“Don’t give up,” Abby warned. “We’ve seen amazing things happen at Family Ties. If you think about it, God’s already done a lot by bringing the twins to the Triple D and keeping them there. He has this in hand, too. He knows what He’s doing. Trust Him.”
Sam made sure the twins’ seat belts were securely fastened, helped Kelly into her seat then drove toward the ranch.
Trust. He was so tired of hearing that word. He was sick of that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach whenever he contemplated sitting back, waiting for God to do something.
What if He doesn’t? a little voice inside him chirped. God didn’t do anything for Naomi. Why is this different?
Like sediment building to create stone, that hardened part of him inside grew more resistant. God didn’t need his trust. He’d do whatever He wanted, no matter how Sam pleaded for help.
Jaw tight, he drove, hearing the chattering voices around him as the twins, free of the gloomy atmosphere of the court and not really understanding what was at stake, begged Kelly to take them for a walk by the river so they could gather st
ones for the sandbox Sam had promised. Another thing Jake had wanted to make for them last year and hadn’t had time.
“I need to do some chores,” he told Kelly when the twins had raced inside to see their grandmother, who was watching Jacob Samuel. “Can you handle them alone for a while?”
“You have to ask?” She gave him a sad smile. “Of course.”
“I won’t be long,” he promised. Her hand clamped on his arm before he could leave.
“Why is it so hard to believe that God could make something good out of this, Sam? Can’t you put the tiniest bit of faith in your heavenly Father?” Kelly waited then sighed heavily when he didn’t answer. “We’ll be fine.”
“See you soon.” He turned to walk away, but once more her hand on his arm stopped him. Sam glanced at her hand then into her face. Her big brown eyes brimmed with tears.
“Please, Sam. Let go of the fear,” she whispered.
He wanted to. He wanted so badly to be free of the heavy, clawing worry that dragged him down to despair.
“I can’t,” he said. “I have the same stone in my stomach that I had when Naomi died. We’ve lost the case, Kelly. We failed my brother and your sister. It’s just a matter of time until you accept it.”
“But God hasn’t failed, Sam. God’s still in charge, still working all things together for good. And while He’s in charge, I’m not giving up anything.”
Then she walked regally into the house. Heaving a sigh of frustration, Sam headed for his workroom in the shed and the change of clothes he kept there. Then he saddled his horse and headed for the hills after giving Oscar instructions.
He rode off knowing he couldn’t afford the time away from work. He’d taken too many days off as it was because of the kids. Problem was, he couldn’t afford not to ride as far as it took to find some solace, to keep from venting on someone. Oscar would care for the ranch. Kelly would care for the kids. Sam trusted her with them just as he’d trust her with his life.
He realized then that in all the horribleness since Jake’s and Marina’s deaths, Kelly was the one shining star, the one thing in his life he wouldn’t change. Sam had only to be near her, to watch her with the twins or Jacob Samuel, and her contagious hope and optimism took over, for a while. One thing he could thank God for was Kelly.
