by L. M. Carr
“Remy,” he whispers my name reverently as he tips my chin upward. “Are you crying?”
“No.” A broken and weak voice lies. I choke back the sob which threatens to erupt. The events of the past few days are too much, topped with the idea that Shane could have been hurt during his time in the military sends an ache through my heart and tears to pour out of my eyes. Images of me as a little girl, cold and alone, match the images of him cold and alone half way across the word. One by one these mental pictures march around my head in succinct, rhythmic steps. While I hungered and thirsted behind closed doors, he hungered and thirsted in the desert, defending our country. I know he always says he was doing his duty, but I hate that he’s endured any of that. I see the effects of deployment and combat; it’s not easy or pretty.
Just then, another light above the mirror flashes and pops, darkening the small bathroom. My hand is wedged in between his body and mine when he startles. Tightly he pulls me close, securing my head beneath his chin while his hands shield me.
“Hey,” I call out, chuckling at his overreaction.
“Quiet,” he whispers and I still at his cautious tone.
I spread my fingers across his skin that covers his heart and I’m flooded with alarm at the frantic beating I feel.
I let him hold me; I let him keep me safe.
While the hot water continues pelt us, Shane showers the top of my head with a thousand kisses until he finally loosens the stifling grip and his breathing returns to normal. Minutes later he reaches down for the bar of soap and begins to bathe me as if everything were perfectly normal.
Strong yet gentle hands wash my entire body.
“Shane?” I caress his wet cheek. “I lo—”
A trembling hand stills on my back. His piercing eyes search mine and silently beg me to continue the phrase.
“I love when you hold me. I feel safe with you.” A small smile graces my lips.
“I will always keep you safe.”
Every part of my body is again lathered and washed. He pulls my body flush against his, my back to his front. I reach back and lace my fingers together behind his neck, allowing him unobstructed access to my full breasts. I feel his erection slide in between my legs, coaxing me to open for him. Using the tiled walls, I brace myself for the single, deep thrust and continuous slow plunging of his dick, shoving harder and harder into me. Over and over, he drives into me until I clench my eyes and shout his name loudly, letting the wave of release consume me.
Seconds later, I feel his body tense as he surrenders all control and comes hard, filling me completely. I miss the connection the moment his knees give out and he collapses in the small tub.
“Shane?” I turn quickly to find him slumped with a smile on his face and his erection waning.
I run my fingers through his hair to uncover his gorgeous face. I tap his cheek lightly as he reopens his eyes. “You scared me! I thought you passed out!”
“That would be a first,” he chuckles as he reaches for my hand, pulling down to him.
I narrow my eyes and purse my lips.
“Kiss me,” he demands.
I pull back defiantly. “No!”
“Hurry up, the water is getting cold.”
I smirk as I reach for the nozzle and turn it in the opposite direction.
The tepid water chills and sends this big man jumping to his feet.
“Shit, that’s cold!”
I grin and stick my tongue out since I’ve moved back and am no longer in the path of the stream of water.
“I’ll get you back for that,” he states as he shuts the water off.
“I’m looking forward to it.”
I step out of the shower and dress quickly in black sweat pants and an oversized BC hoodie.
“You could fit two of you in there.” He flips the grilled cheese and comments when I walk into the kitchen.
“Yeah, but it’s so comfy.” I wrap my arms around and hug myself before shuffling over to get two dishes.
Shane comes behind me and nuzzles into the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply. “Remy?”
“Hmmm?”
“Tell me why your hoodie smells like men’s cologne.” Although his tone is playful, he’s very serious about his inquiry.
“It should. It’s Simon’s.” I turn to face him head on. I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to ask about my relationship with Simon. I have nothing to hide.
“Simon. The guy from the bar? The guy with the motorcycle?”
“No, the guy who’s been like family to me since we were kids.”
I can see the wheels spinning in his mind, formulating a million questions.
“Was he ever your boyfriend?”
“No,” I answer truthfully.
“Does he have a thing for you?”
“A thing?” I squeak.
“Is he attracted to you?”
I snort loudly as I walk into the living room. “Eww! God, no! He’s like my brother!”
“He better not be because I’ll beat the shit out of him if I have to. I see the way he looks at you.”
“Okay, Rambo.” I roll my eyes and reach for my sandwich, sinking my teeth in and moaning in delight.
“I have something for you.” Shane offers a closed hand, covering whatever is clasped beneath his fist.
“Flowers?” I ask with a smile.
With a grin that deepens his dimple, he replies, “Not today.”
I pout playfully. “What is it?”
Slowly, he turns his hand over to reveal a key. “For you.”
“Shane,” I breathe quietly. “You don’t have to do this.”
“Why not? You need a key to get in when I’m not here.”
“I know, but…”
“I want you safe. And waiting around even in this “yuppy” neighborhood,” he laughs mockingly, “is not always safe.”
I crawl onto his lap, wrap my arms around his neck and kiss his lips. “Thank you.”
We sit side by side on the couch eating a very modest dinner which would have seemed like a gourmet meal when I was just a kid. With a quick swipe and a few clicks, he turns on the television to catch the highlights of the game.
I lean over and kiss him. “I’m going to go study for a bit.” I gather and wash the small plates before heading into his room to unpack and catch up on some school work. I fill out the internship forms for Dr. Stevens. A smile washes over my face as I wonder what Shane will think when he sees me at work every day.
Two hours later when my eyes become heavy and I’ve reread the same sentence repeatedly, I go in search of Shane who’s been extremely quiet since the random questions stopped.His silly inquiries make me laugh. Unfamiliar warmth spreads from my toes until it reaches my heart. Shane Davis is finding his way into a place few have ever ventured.
Sprawled on the couch with his long legs dangling off the end, Shane sleeps soundly. His soft snore matches the volume on the television. He looks peaceful; he looks carefree. I debate on whether I should wake him or not, but when I call his name and touch his face, he doesn’t move. He is out cold. Pulling a light blanket down to cover him, I let him rest.
I muffle a groan when the corner of the blanket knocks the glass of water over and spills on the coffee table. With a dishtowel in hand, I bend down to wipe the small puddle. I catch a glimpse of something that piques my curiosity and, at the same time, makes the hair on my neck stand up. I retrieve the item, walk to the kitchen and flick the light switch on to see. I know what it is. I’ve felt it before. I’ve seen it so many times before in my life. In my hand lies a small round pill.
My stomach twists as dinner prepares to make an unexpected appearance. I cover my mouth to suppress the bile, but it’s no use. Unprovoked and involuntary vomit erupts into the sink as the cold hard truth hits me like a wrecking ball.
I’m in love with a drug addict.
The clues fall in to place one by one to complete the puzzle that is Shane Davis. I should have seen the sign
s right away. He’s a classic case study; I’ve seen it so many times before. The volatile, explosive behavior, the withdrawls paired with trembling hands, the pills in his phone case.
Oh, God! How could I have been so blind? Ignorance isn’t bliss; it’s stupid and it’s going to break my heart. It can’t be ignored any longer.
I lie awake in bed for hours with only a flat sheet covering my body. I try to read, but all I think about is how much I love him. I chastise myself for being blinded by love. I’m on a path to a better life; I can’t allow myself to be railroaded by a gorgeous man who’s got his own demons to face.
With a last glance back, I step out and carry my bike down the flights of stairs and into the brisk air. As I ride my bike to work, I think about the early morning hours I spent sitting on the floor watching him. Watching him sleep.Watching his lips move inaudibly. Watching his body twist and writhe. Watching his bare chest inhale and exhale gruffly.
I hope he sees the note I left on the coffee table.
After the morning rush, I call Shane because he never shows up for breakfast or even texts me. His phone goes to voicemail, but I don’t leave a message. He’ll see my number.
I call again before and after class, but he still doesn’t answer.David’s insistence that I meet him after class only serves to annoy me.
“Sorry I kept you waiting.” David opens the door wide and invites me in. I notice one of the two glasses on his desk has a dark lipstick stain.
“It’s fine.” I drop my backpack on the floor and take a seat. “So you wanted to see me.”
“What’s the matter? You seem really tense?” David’s tone is more than just one of concern.
I glance through the window at the almost barren trees. “I’ve got a lot going on.”
He simply nods.
“I’m a little concerned about you.” He removes his glasses and rubs his eyes.
“Why?” I actually think I’m moving in the right direction now that I’m going to be staying at Shane’s. I can focus more and don’t have to waste time going to the library for Wi-Fi since I can just use his. I might even get a few hours of quiet time when he has football practice or goes out for his nightly run.
“You seem distracted. Less focused even.”
“You’re so far from the truth.”
“How’s your mother?”
I shrug my shoulders and look away. “The same, I guess.”
His eyebrows furrow. “You guess? You’re not staying there?”
I shake my head. “I’m staying across town with…a friend.” Shane is so much than just my friend, but I don’t need to explain that to David.
“Who? Please don’t say Simon!” he scoffs.
“What’s your problem with Simon? What’s going on with you two?” I turn the tables on him.
He ignores my question and the tension between us grows and is thick and palpable. “Did you want to see me to ask about Simon or is there a purpose to this meeting?”
Once again he ignores my query, but his eyebrows rise at my tone. “Are you taking the internship or not? Dr. Stevens said he hasn’t received your paperwork.”
“I’m still thinking about it.” I shrug, knowing I’m behaving childishly.
David exhales slowly as if he’s calming himself down. “What’s there to think about?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to delve into fucked up people’s lives when mine is pretty fucked up.” Sarcasm slips from my lips.
“Watch your language! And if you think your life is so bad, Remy, change it. Do something about it.”
He’s completely right and I know it. What he doesn’t know is that I’m working my ass off, literally, to finish what my mother started so I can be free of her and her poor life choices.
“You need to give Dr. Stevens an answer by Friday. This is a great opportunity.” There is an air of dismissal in his tone.
After what seems like an eternity, I exhale as I reach into my bag to retrieve a folder. “Here, I actually have something for you.”
He takes it from me. “What’s this?”
“Paperwork for my internship,” I mumble as I look up sheepishly. “I hope it’s still available.”
David releases a loud guffaw. “Oh, Remy. What am I going to do with you?”
I simply shrug my shoulders. I really didn’t plan on giving him the paperwork today because I was going to talk to Shane about it, but there’s no time like the present.
“Dr. Stevens asked specifically for you. Those kids need you. You can give them real life, personal experiences because you’ve walked in their shoes. You’re one of them.”
I know he’s right. I am one of the thousands of kids who grew up in the system, bouncing from foster home to foster home until I found a family who took me in and really loved me.
I reach down to pick up my backpack and stand. “Couldn’t we have had this conversation over a text message?”
“Yes,” he smiles, the lines on his face softening, “but I miss you.”
Gone is the stern advisor, replaced with my sweet caring friend.
“When are you coming by the house? I’ll throw something together for dinner. I’ll teach you how to boil water properly.” He laughs, causing the crow’s feet by his eyes to deepen. I love to see him relaxed and easy-going.
I snap my teeth and chuckle. “I’d probably burn that, too.”
“You can’t burn water.”
“No, but it can evaporate! Then the pot will catch fire and I’ll burn your house down.”
“I have a fire extinguisher.”
“Speaking of extinguishers…what’s up with you and Simon? When are you two going to settle your differences? I thought you two were going to combust in class. I was seriously preparing for a catastrophe of epic proportions.” My eyes open wide.
David lowers his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose. “He needs to grow up and stop being so reckless. He’s not a boy anymore.” He looks out the window and whispers, “His mother would be so disappointed.”
I nod somberly because I know he speaks the truth.
Talking to David usually sets me at ease, but even after I hug him goodbye and ride my bike in the light drizzle, I’m still riddled with tension.
I secure my bike to a street sign and walk into Village Pizza to meet Jenna for a bite to eat. She startles and looks up from her phone when I slide into the booth across from her.
“Hi!” I greet her while I run my fingers through my damp hair, glancing at my reflection in the window.
“Hey,” she responds sadly as she sets her phone down on the table, sighing heavily.
“What’s wrong?”
“I hate this. I miss him so freaking much.”
“Who?
“Collin?”
“Shane’s Collin?”
“No! My Collin,” she pouts, dropping her head down on the table for dramatic effect. “He’s perfect and he’s not here.”
“Go see him,” I offer. Jenna could afford to take time off from the diner and get away for a few days. Her parents have money and don’t mind her constant inability to stay in school for more than a semester at a time. She’ll be one of those people who remain an “on again-off again” liberal arts student well into their thirties. I, on the other hand, don’t have that luxury. School is my way out of here.
A waiter comes by to take our order and quickly leaves.
“You think I should?”
“I don’t know. Talk to him about it.” I pour myself a glass of water, silently wishing for a glass of soda instead, but I can’t afford the extra calories.
Jenna quickly taps out a text message and waits for a reply. It occurs to me that I haven’t heard from Shane all day so I check my phone again. Nothing.
“So how’s everything with Shane?” she asks.
“Good. Really good.” I glance away from her inquiring eyes. It kills me that I’m withholding some key details about him and the pill I found last night.
“Did y
ou sleep with him already?” she screeches as her eyes widen to the size of golf balls.
My eyes flash around the room as I shush her. I’ve known him for a few months and we’ve just had sex.
“All aboard!”
My face wrinkles in confusion wondering what my crazy friend is talking about now.
“You finally rode Shane’s train!”
“What?” I choke on a sip of water and gasp for air.
My crazy friend leans forward and whispers, “You totally slept with him.” She continues to make the sound of a train rolling down the train, tooting its horn loudly.
“Shane’s train? Oh God, Jenna. I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re impossible!”
“Baby, I’m not impossible. I’m right!” She sits back and grins victoriously.
“Yeah well, if I’m not careful,” I air quote, “Shane’s train is going to derail me.”
“You really like him, huh?” She eyes my sympathetically. “At least you get to see him every day.”
“Jenna,” I confess, “I think I love him.” My hurried words rush out as if they were desperate to be said aloud.
A smile stretches across her face. “No fucking way! Remy Scott is in love?” Jenna stands and calls the other diners’ attention to tell them she’s got an announcement to make. “Ladies and gentleman, my friend here is in love.”
My face beats red as I yank her back down into the booth.
“You’re an idiot! Why would you do that?”
“Because this is huge!” Jenna spreads her hands, leaving about six inches of space between them.
I understand the sex fiend’s implication. I spread her hands farther apart and smile.
She giggles like a silly teenager. “I knew it!”
“Aside from the amazing sex, it’s not that simple. He’s got some serious issues, Jenna.”
She snorts sarcastically, “Don’t we all?”
“You don’t have any issues. You’ve got it made. Your parents love you and provide pretty much whatever you want. Is your dad still pissed that you dropped out of school again?”
