by Ruth Reichl
I was thrilled about this. And utterly taken aback the next night when a man in the audience stood up and cried passionately, “What about us? Why do you women think that you’re the only ones affected? Don’t you realize how hard it has been for us to figure out what it means to be a man in a world that is so different than that of our fathers?” He was practically weeping when another man picked up that refrain shouting, “You may not have wanted to be your mother, but I didn’t want to be either her or my father. Where was my role model?” Before long we were embarked on a discussion that ranged from why men hunt to gay rights, and I was starting to see that this book was not about women, but about an entire generation, both male and female, that had been deeply affected by the changing role of women.
So I could not have been more surprised a few nights later when a small young voice called out, “I am your mother!” Peering into the audience I discovered that it belonged to an attractive young woman who could not have been more than thirty-five. She stood, twisting her hands nervously as she began to speak. “I’m a lawyer. I loved working, but when my second child was born I felt that I could not keep my job and also be a good mother, so I gave it up to stay home with my kids. Now my youngest is almost ten, and I realize that I have made a terrible mistake. My kids no longer need my full-time attention, and I’d like to go back to work. But it’s too late. I feel trapped. I can already feel myself driving my kids crazy....” She began crying and apologizing, and then abruptly sat down. The audience, galvanized, picked up the conversation and began an impassioned discussion of childcare, family leave policy, and how limited the choices for women continue to be. As the evening ended one woman said, “Gloria Steinem put it best. She said, ‘The problem is that when I go around and speak on campuses, I still don’t get young men standing up and saying, “How can I combine career and family?” Why is this still a woman’s issue?’ ”
This became the new theme, and for the next few days the conversation turned to the need for a new kind of woman’s movement. That ended abruptly the night a teenager stood up to say, “You may not want to be your mother, but I do. I certainly don’t want to be you.” It was like a bucket of cold water heaved straight at my face, and I stood there, dripping, as she continued to speak. “I don’t want to be Superwoman. I don’t want to have it all. I’m almost twenty, and I’m trying to figure out whether I want a career or a family. I know I don’t want both. Why would I ever want to work as hard as you do? Why would anyone?”
To me the answer had been obvious. I thought that while we may not have solved the issues of gender, family, and power that plagued earlier generations, in the America of the twenty-first century we had at least defined the terms. But I was wrong; what I keep learning from this book is that there are still so many questions and so few answers.
I suspect my mother would be very pleased to know that this was one last lesson that she had to teach me.
Acknowledgments
So many people helped me with this book that I will never be able to thank them all. But here’s a start.
Women in Communications: If they had not given me the Matrix Award, I never would have channeled Mom to thank them for it. And if the members had not responded so generously, I never would have tried to turn the speech into a book.
My agent, Kathy Robbins, who spent hours talking me through this project, reading pages, sending encouraging notes.
All of the people who told me stories about their mothers. I don’t think there was a single interview that did not end in tears.
My colleagues at Gourmet—Doc Willoughby, Larry Karol, Richard Ferretti, Bill Sertl and Robin Pellicci—who pitched in every time I said, “I can’t do that because I’m working on the book.”
My brother, Bob Half, who has always been the best big brother anyone could ever have.
My guys, Michael and Nick Singer, who are endlessly supportive.
Above all, my editor Ann Godoff, who saw exactly what this book should be even when I did not. She kept saying, “Don’t worry, you’ll get it right.” Great editing is a great gift, and it is one for which I am truly grateful.
And as always, thanks to the MacDowell Colony, where I started working on what eventually turned out to be this book. It is, perhaps, my favorite place on earth.
Readers Group Guide
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. The stories that Ruth Reichl shares of her mother Miriam and her adventures are affectionately known as the “Mim Tales.” What are some of the stories that your family would call Mim Tales? Have you ever considered writing them down for the future generations of your family?
2. Reichl’s first book, Tender at the Bone, opened with a whopper of a Mim Tale—Miriam accidentally poisons a few dozen people at a party. Later, Reichl “could not keep from thinking that I had betrayed my mother.... I wanted to make it up to her” (p. 5). Was there a moment in your life when you let slip a secret, or shared a story that felt like a betrayal? How did you make it up to that person? Was it ultimately forgivable?
3. At sixteen, Miriam received a letter from her father that outlined her perceived strengths and failings: “You are a dear girl ... and you have a fine mind. But you will have to resign yourself to the fact that you are homely. Finding a husband will not be easy” (pp. 19—20). Instead, Miriam was encouraged to study abroad, to improve her mind, while her more beautiful sister stayed at home to cultivate social status. In your own life, are there choices you have made that were directly influenced by the perceptions of others? Were they the right ones, or did they lead to regret?
4. As Miriam reaches her late twenties, the pressure to marry becomes nearly intolerable. Even today, many young women worry that they will be condemned to a life of spinsterhood. Why, when most women are able to support themselves, is there still such a compulsion to marry? What are some of the stereotypes unfairly assigned to unmarried women? If you are married or unmarried, envision the opposite for yourself. In what ways would your life be more difficult? In what ways would it be more fulfilling?
5. After World War II, “all those smart, competent women sat at home, twiddling their thumbs and telling their daughters how much they had enjoyed working during the war” (p. 52). Why was the male establishment so keen to have women return to the kitchen? It is widely known that even now, equal pay for equal work is not much more than a catchphrase. What can women do to encourage more equality between the sexes?
6. Ruth and her mother Miriam often have a strained relationship—much like the one Miriam has with her own mother. Do you recognize your own relationship with your mother in these experiences? If you have a daughter, what is the relationship between you and your daughter like? Why do women tend to resent their mothers (on varying scales, of course)?
7. Miriam wrote a letter to the newly married Ruth, yet it was never opened. In it, she posed a question to herself: “Why did I always do what my parents felt that I should do and not listen to my own feelings” (p. 90)? Having finished Ruth’s portrait of her mother, can you answer that question for Miriam? What can you see in her upbringing and personality that may have caused this disappointment with her own life?
8. “Believing that work, beauty, marriage, and motherhood were the forces that shaped her destiny, she tried to teach me how to do better at each of them than she had” (p. 108). What are the forces that shaped your destiny?
9. Miriam was determined to give Ruth a different kind of life than the one she had. Did she succeed? In what ways?
10. With this in mind, do you believe that Miriam’s unhappiness with her own life is unfounded? Do you think she expected too much?
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