Then my thoughts begin to drift away from Lily’s bright smile and green eyes as I begin to think about Sam…again. She’s been there through everything with me these last six months pretty much day in and day out. Seems almost strange not to have her around, but I know it’s for the best. I know if I let my guard down one bit I would fall again. Because it was all too reminiscent, too familiar and even though I could barely recall the memories before any of this ever happened…it was all coming back to me and it was terrifying.
Oh God, I think as my heart-rate quickens. I don’t want these memories, I would just as soon have my heart surgically pulled from my chest and given to someone that might want to be in love…because I do not. I can’t say it loud enough or feel it deep enough. I don’t want to ever, ever, ever…be in love again.
“Hey…where did you go?” Lily asks as she touches my arm.
I can see the concern on her face, her eyebrows nearly vanishing into her hairline. She is probably wondering if I’m thinking about Sam. She only asks me every other day if I am and did ask me once or twice why I slept with Sam. I can’t really come up with an answer other than what I said that day…closure. However, it’s just a word to me because I’m not even sure why I slept with her and why I want to do it again. I knew it would complicate things and I was completely right about that. But now I’m sitting here with this sweet and adorable girl…a little young for me, but I don’t care about our age difference, and it seems she doesn’t either.
My smile widens as I regard the question in her eyes. My hand reaches for her cheek, and I lean in for a kiss. I intend it to be a quick peck, but Lily, on the other hand, wants a bit more. Guess the beer is kicking in. However, this is not Los Angeles…I’m quickly reminded of that when I hear the bartender clear her throat. I know what she’s going to say before she even opens her mouth because of the slack-jawed expressions I see as I gaze around the room. What I don’t want or need is to ostracize myself any more than I already am.
“I’m so sorry,” I say and push Lily back who has suddenly become very handsy.
The bartender regards me for a moment then walks away.
“Hey,” I look over at Lily whose face is displaying her desire like a neon sign. “I think maybe we should get out of here. Let’s go to your place.”
Before Lily can answer, Nancy comes running over with that look she always has when I’ve displeased her.
“Laurel, you should stand up for your rights. This is the twenty-first century after all. Two girls kissing shouldn’t be looked at any different than a man and woman kissing.”
“Nancy…but it is. And while Camden is mostly a gay-friendly place, there are still some that disapprove. This is not California. So if you want more kissy, touchy stuff…it’s not gonna be in public.”
I see her roll her eyes and as her mouth opens, I quickly say, “Nancy, I’m not going to risk mine and Lily’s safety or mar my family name. My parents still live here, ya know…they’re prominent figures in this county and I don’t want them being harassed because people think their daughter is a trouble maker. But if you disagree I can quickly pull the plug and end this little reality show.”
She doesn’t say anything, just flicks her eyes from me to Lily and back again.
“Fine…whatever you want, Laurel.” Then she turns on her heel in a huff, “Alright, pack it up, new location.”
I shake my head at her before my gaze turns back to Lily. “Do you still want to make-out?” I ask in a whisper.
“Yes,” she whispers back.
“Alright then,” I say as a smile spreads across my face. “Lead the way love.”
I stand from the bar stool with Lily’s help and ease myself back into my chair. It won’t be long before I can leave the chair behind for good. I’ll be able to use crutches, it will have to be the ‘forearm’ type. I’m not too thrilled about still looking like a cripple, but I was informed by my therapist that they will provide the stability I need when walking long-term. She did ease my angst by saying it wouldn’t be permanent, that one day I would be able to walk on my own again. I would always add, “run” and she would say, “don’t push it.”
It only takes Lily about ten steps to realize she is a little too tipsy to be driving, so she calls up one of her friends for a ride. I was coming out of the bathroom when she tells me the news that her best friend Cass was picking us up. I’m not one to protest to hanging out with other chicks, but I wasn’t ready to meet any of her friends tonight. I’m a bit tired and really just want a quiet night with my girlfriend. But I don’t say anything, I just shoot a smile back to the drunk girl now sitting on my lap.
“Hey,” she says. “Cass is really cool, and she’s been dying to meet you.”
“Okay, um…I just thought we were gonna, you know…”
“Oh shit,” Lily kisses me on the mouth. “Well, we still can. She’ll eat her heart out.”
The look of shock must have been on my face because Lily giggles. “I’m not saying she can watch, silly. She’ll probably have her girlfriend Monica with her, she wants to meet you too.”
“Great, an impromptu les-fest,” I say as I roll my eyes. I knew Nancy would be all over this, call it juicy filler for the life of a self-proclaimed lesbian player. She will be working every angle. I’ll have to inform her that this won’t turn into some hook-up party.
Nancy calls my cell as we are finally in Cass’ car. It took forever to get in it because of all the star-struck ‘OMG’ moments. Nancy is inquiring where the hell we are considering they’ve been standing out front of Lily’s place for fifteen minutes. But after I explain what has transpired her tone changes because I know exactly what is going on in her brain.
“Nancy, don’t even think about it,” I say in a whisper because I haven’t told these chicks about the cameras or the show and really don’t want to. I’m about ready to tell Nancy to just call it a night when I hear Lily blurt out about the show and about the camera crew that will be at her place. I close my eyes and shake my head when I hear the favorable responses coming from the front seat.
Nancy hears too, “Well Laurel, looks like we have a show.”
“Fine, but don’t push any weird angles.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” she says with a hint of deviance to her voice.
“I’m serious Nance…I don’t want to be exploited.”
“Okay…okay. I hear you loud and clear.”
“Good, see you in a few.” I end the call, and my eyes are met with Cass’ through the rearview mirror which causes me to shudder. I can feel the heat levels rising in the car, especially when Lily reaches over and places a hand on my thigh.
“This is gonna be fun,” she whispers in my ear. I know immediately what her intentions are; she wants to parade our relationship in front of her friends. Wants to show them that we are a couple and she has intimate knowledge of me. I’ve been here before, and this scene isn’t something I enjoy.
Lily helps me out of the car and into my chair. The cameras are already rolling.
I see Nancy talking to the other girls and getting them to sign the waiver and fill out their personal information. If any of it is aired with them in the scenes, they will be paid the standard rate as an extra in a reality show.
Lily is hamming it up for the cameras and for her friends. She is back in my lap, kissing my neck. I swallow hard and smile into the camera while saying to myself, ‘I’m not going there…not letting this happen again.’
When we’re inside Lily’s place, I see the other girls eye me like I’m a piece of meat. I’m starting to get really pissed off because Lily said her friends wanted to meet me…what she failed to mention was that her friends wanted to fuck me. Right now, I’m about as uncomfortable as a fish in a barrel. Finally, I see Lily return from the kitchen with two pitchers of margaritas and four glasses balancing on a tray. I don’t think alcohol should be added to this situation and I definitely don’t think Lily should be drinking anything else. She can barely
walk in a straight line as it is, I guess feeding her all that beer at the bar wasn’t the best idea.
Cameras are rolling, Lily is sitting on my lap sucking back her third drink and slopping all over me. I’m trying to get her to cool out, she is cute and adorable, and if we were alone, I would be taking full advantage of her. However, with the two camera guys in my face with smarmy smiles, and Nancy encouraging the situation more and more by making crude comments, I’m about ready to freak out. Not only that but Lily’s friends, Cass and Monica, have been making out on the other side of the couch from jump street.
This is not turning into a lesbian sex party…not doing it. I can tell it’s headed in that direction by the way the air around me is so sexually charged. I know this because I’ve been there and done that. Not my best moment in life, but hey…I wanted to be adventurous.
Lily is sucking my neck hard, and I’m doing my best not to look over at her friends. I’ve met Cass’ eyes one too many times since this little make-out session has begun and I know exactly what her intentions are. I take another sip from my glass.
“Lily, can you cool out a bit,” I say.
Suddenly I hear some type of jazz playing, the lights have dimmed, and I think right away how I’m going to kill Nancy for putting me in this situation. The camera guys separate, and I see one zeroed in on the other couple…it looks like Cass has Monica’s shirt up and she is going to town on one of her breasts. Then I hear a zipper.
Fuck! I’m thinking hard. My head is tingling from the booze and Lily has gotten me hot and bothered. I’m almost to the point of my buzz where I don’t care, and now Lily is rubbing me between the legs over my jeans. Nancy has disappeared from the room so I can’t look to her for assistance…but I think that was her intention because she knows my antics.
Lily is now straddling me, her tongue is deep into my mouth, and I’m guessing any minute she will be touching my tonsils. Then I look over and see Monica laying flat with her panties exposed.
What the hell! Her jeans were pulled down to her knees, and Cass was kissing her bare thigh. My eyes connect with Monica’s, and she is licking her lips and smiling seductively.
I can’t say that I don’t find these women attractive and that I wouldn’t have been a willing participant in the past…but right now I’m creeped out. I push Lily back, I need to breathe and can’t really do it with her latched onto my mouth like some pucker fish.
“We need to stop this little party,” I say. “before it gets out of hand.”
“Let’s have some fun for the cameras,” she says in a whisper. Then she jumps off my lap and yells at top volume, “Hey Laurel, let’s do that body shot thing again.”
As she starts to yank her top over her head. I shoot up from my seat and pull her to me. I’m a little shocked at myself because it is the first time I stood from a seated position without assistance. My mind is racing right now…for one thing, it is astonishing that I just did this and for the other, I think I need to stabilize myself. However, the wobbly girl is not the best choice, and I nearly take us both down. Fortunately, I gather it up.
“Dammit Lily, knock it off.” I’m pissed off right now. This has gone too far, and it’s time for this weird event to come to an end.
“All right…the party is over. Everyone get the fuck out.” Now all eyes are on me, and Nancy has finally reappeared.
“Turn the lights back on,” I yell over to my stupid manager, who I’ll have a few choice words for later.
“Steve…John, cameras off.” I turn to look at the borderline pornographic couple on the other end of Lily’s sectional. They’re not budging, so I steady myself on my feet, “Hey Caligula…that means you too, get the fuck out.”
Lily is now sitting on the sofa looking up at me like a child waiting to be scorned. I’m not happy about this situation, and I’m pissed that she continued to push the envelope. I’m not sure what she thought was going to happen, but I’ll inform her that I won’t ever be forced into a sexual situation like that again. If I ever, and that is a big ‘if,’ engage in a multiple person sexual encounter, it will be on my terms.
Once everyone files out, Lily begins crying immediately. Oh, I know these tears…drunk tears of remorse. Let’s just say, I’ve shed quite a number of these myself. As much as I’m mad at her, I can’t yell at her. But we will have a chat once she is sober and not laying on my lap sobbing.
She cries herself into unconsciousness. I’m still sitting on her couch with her head in my lap while I’m tapping my empty glass. It’s just about 8:00 p.m. and I’m ready to get out of here. This night is a disaster, and I’m not in the mood to just watch her sleep off her drunk.
“Lily, Lily…wake up love.” I try to jostle her by shaking her shoulder, but she doesn’t move…just moans.
This leads me to believe she is not ready to awaken from her drunken stupor. I let out a loud sigh as I pick up my phone. I want someone to come get me…but who? Cammie left in a huff when I took my camera crew to Cuzzy’s, so she isn’t around. My dad wasn’t around, he was at another convention in Chicago. My brothers were in school, so this leaves my mom. UGH.
I haven’t really seen her much to chat other than a quick hello or to answer a question on how my therapy is going. She is also not happy that I’m back in the limelight. I’m sure she’s just afraid I might go back to who and what I was…I think this terrifies her. I guess I understand.
I pull up my Uber app, but they’re not easily accessed at primetime, and I would have to wait over an hour. So I text my mom.
Mom…stranded at Lily’s. You around? I speak into my message app.
It takes a good five minutes before she responds. I’m shifting in my seat because my ass is going numb from sitting in the same position for too long.
I’m out with a friend.
This was her reply…not, ‘okay honey, be right there.’ I suppose this means I’m stranded for God knows how long or at least until Lily wakes up.
“Now what the fuck should I do?” I need to get out from under her, but every time I move, she clings more.
I’m getting ready to shake her until she wakes up or falls off the couch, either is fine with me because I’m starting to feel somewhat claustrophobic.
I hear my text notification chime, the text is from my mother, she says they have to go pick up the van before they come. I immediately call her.
“Mom, I can get into a regular car as long as there is room for my chair.”
“Okay, but I don’t have my car. I’m in an SUV.”
“I think I can manage.”
She lets out a sigh, “Okay honey, be there shortly.”
I look at my phone when the call ends abruptly and am a little put off by her apprehension. But I just shrug my shoulders, after all, I’m interrupting her evening so I guess I shouldn’t get my feelings hurt. I put my phone on the end table and begin to pull Lily up to almost a seated position. This is the benefit of having twice the upper body strength. But because I’ve been sitting so long, I don’t have the strength to stand from a seated position, so I twist myself and slide off the cushion to my knees. Then I ease Lily back down to the sofa. I watch her for a moment and smile thinking how adorable she is like there’s not a care in her world. I kiss her on the forehead before I pull myself into my chair.
I want to leave her a note, let her know I’m not leaving because I’m angry…just need to get home for an early start tomorrow. It was a lame excuse, but I have no intentions of spending the night with a passed out chick when I can be home in my bed. Tomorrow was going to be a big day. The biggest of my impromptu reality show. I will be doing steps for the first time, not only in front of the cameras…but reporters as well. This was one of Nancy’s brilliant ideas. I just hope I don’t regret agreeing with it.
However, finding a pen and paper is proving to be difficult, so I text her instead. I’m not sure what she’ll remember when she wakes up, and I smile at the notion of having the pleasure of telling her all that went o
n. And if I know Lily, she will be mortified when she is sober.
Had to go love. See you tomorrow.
I hit send just as I heard my own text chime.
When I push myself out to the parking lot I see Sam in the driver’s seat and my eyes close as I say, “dammit,” in a whisper. I thought I was free of her, but I guess not if her and my mother are besties.
Sam exits the driver side to open the back door to her four-door, Jeep Sahara.
I look up at her briefly, “New car?”
“Yup,” is all she said when I stood. However getting into this SUV isn’t easy. It’s easier to get into Lily’s Bug, but this was lifting my ass into a seat, not sliding.
I stumble and would have fallen if it hadn’t been for Sam catching me.
“Here, let me help you.”
She lifts me up and slides me into the seat. Doesn’t even look at me…no longing glances, no loving eyes…just tosses me in like I’m a sack of groceries. She shuts the door and busies herself with my chair. I hear the back hatch open and my chair being slid inside.
“Buckle up,” she says when she gets back into the car without looking back at me.
During the ride home I try to find her eyes in the rearview mirror, but she is not looking back. Her focus stays pinned on the road in front of us.
“So when did you get this,” I say trying to break the awkward silence.
I see my mother look over at Sam as if she was gauging a reaction, Sam didn’t give any other response than to say “About a month ago.”
I knew it was a new car, still had that famous ‘new car’ smell.
“It’s really nice,” I say trying to spark some type of conversation. Something that would alleviate the tension I feel around my throat like a noose. But the two women in the front are quiet…too quiet for my liking. Sam was definitely giving me the cold shoulder, whether she was still hurt or mad…not sure, maybe just moving on and realizing we are not friends let alone anything else. However, I knew the purchase of this car coincided with the big fight where I received a crack across the face.
It's All Coming Back To Me Page 14
