It's All Coming Back To Me

by Michelle Marra

  “What have you ladies been up to tonight?” I try again to get a conversation going.

  “We were out to dinner,” My mother says matter of fact.

  I raise an eyebrow and wonder if the supposed ‘dinner’ they were on was a date. I shake my head to clear the nonsense, surely my straight mother is not hooking up with my ex. That would be not only disgusting but also inconceivable.

  “Hope I didn’t interrupt your evening,” I hear Sam let out a cocky snort.

  “No dear, we were just wrapping up,” she says as she pats Sam on the arm.

  What the? I say to myself, wondering why the hell is she consoling her…but I say nothing else, I don’t want to get into an argument in front of my mom. I really don’t want her in my business…however, it seems that Sam has already taken that decision out of my hands.

  Once she pulls up in front of my house, or should I say…my parents’ house. I immediately think back to the face plant I took a few months back. The smirk which crossed my face almost became vocal, but I think better of it. Seems Sam isn’t in a reminiscing-type of mood. I watch as she put the Jeep in neutral before applying the parking brake, then she jumps out of the car and in less than two minutes she has my chair ready, my door open, and begins to grab at me.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I ask as a confused look forms on my face.

  “Trying to help you out of the car, unbuckle your seatbelt please.”

  “I can get out myself,” I say as my eyes find her’s.

  “Really Laurel? And if you fall, then what? Do you want to risk a broken leg or worse?”

  I regard her facial expression and see it is only showing annoyance, I look over at my mother who is still sitting in the car, and she says nothing…not even in defense of what Sam is saying. So I unbuckle my seatbelt as I roll my eyes. I hate this…absolutely hate not being able to do things for myself.

  “Fine,” I say.

  She lets out a cocky laugh, “Don’t worry Laurel, I’m not going to touch you or read anything into this.”

  “Good,” I say as she pulls me from the car a little haphazardly knocking my head onto the door.

  “Ouch!” I yell.

  “Oh, stop whining. You’ll live,” Sam says in a disdain filled tone right before she about dumps me into my chair.

  I’m absolutely dumbfounded. Not that she doesn’t want me, because that is just fine with me. I think this will really help me to close the book on these crazy feelings that keep trying to surface. However, I’m stunned that she is so indifferent.

  “Thank you,” I say to her retreating form as she jumps back into her Jeep. I hear the engine rev, and when she puts it into reverse, she spins the wheels and sprays me with pebbles in the process. I’m shielding my eyes and trying to protect my face from the projectiles stinging my skin. Then when her tires hit the road, I hear the chirp of the rubber against the pavement. I glance up as I wipe the dirt off my face to see them speeding down the road. I’m still astounded when I wheel myself up to my house how Sam acted like that, and my mother was a mute the entire time. I feel like a nuisance right now…I feel like I’m a huge pain in everybody’s ass.

  It is already dark out and apparently, no one thought to leave a light on inside…not even the outside light. And to top it off, I left my keys at Lily’s. The front door is locked, so I wheel myself to the rear hoping by chance they forgot about that door. However, it is locked as well. I think about trying the windows, but there is no way I will be able to climb through even if one is unlocked. Unsure what to do, I wheel myself back to the front and begin to bang on the front door in hopes that Cammie is home. But after a good five minutes of knocking and ringing the bell, I give up. She must be out with another client or maybe hanging with friends. So I figure I’ll call her to see if she can come unlock the doors, if not I’ll have to call Lily. I don’t want to bother my mother again.

  I reach around to the back pocket where I usually keep my phone and discover it is not there. I check the other pocket, it’s not there either.

  “Fuck…now what?,” I yell.

  I roll my chair to the rail for stability as I pull myself into a standing position to see if maybe I’m sitting on it. Nope, not there either.

  “Shit,” I say as I rub my arms. It was much warmer when I left the house this afternoon, so I didn’t bring a jacket. But now it’s downright cold, and I’m wondering how long I’ll have to sit here in the cold before someone comes home.

  I roll my chair down the ramp in hopes that maybe my phone fell out of my pocket when Sam yanked me out of her car. As I get closer to the driveway, I can see it, and I feel a sense of relief. However, it was short-lived when I got close enough to see that it was cracked in half, a victim of Sam’s urgent need to get away from me.

  My body sags in my chair, “What else could possibly go wrong,” I whisper as I shake my head in defeat.

  However, I’m not willing to tempt fate. This night has been a complete bust so far. So I reach down to grab my phone to confirm that it is in fact, broke in half. I toss it in my lap and roll myself back up the ramp. I tuck my chair into the corner by the door in hopes that it will provide me a little protection from the wind which was now beginning to whip up. I pull my arms through my shirt and wrap them around my body in an effort to produce more heat. Then I tuck my face into the neck of the garment. This is about all I can do at the moment, well that, and pray.

  “It’s gonna be a long night,” I say to myself.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I don’t know what time I feel my mother tap my shoulder because apparently, I had fallen asleep. I do know this, I’m chilled to the fucking bone. When we are both inside the house, she wraps a blanket around me and kisses me on the top of my head.

  “Stay there sweetie, I’ll get you a cup of hot tea.”

  I’m sick of sitting in this chair, my ass is asleep. But when I stand to transfer myself to the sofa my legs are stiff and weak, so roll my chair closer and slide myself onto the cushion. I pull the blanket around me, then rub my hands together for some extra warmth. When I see her enter the room with two steaming cups of liquid, my stomach instantly clenches, and I’m unsure why I’m suddenly nervous.

  “Before you ask, I did add some brandy. This way you can warm up a little faster.”

  I smile and say a quick ‘thank you.’

  Several minutes go by before she speaks again, “Laurel, why were you sitting on the porch nearly half frozen?”

  Her questioning eyes find mine, I just shrug my shoulders. “It wasn’t a plan. I left my keys at Lily’s.”

  “Why didn’t you call…”

  Before she can complete the question, I hand her my phone in two pieces.

  “Oh,” she says with a hint of a smile.

  Then several more minutes go by before I speak and when the words come out of my mouth, I immediately wish they hadn’t.

  “Are you and Sam sleeping together?”

  She spits out the sip of tea she just took and looks at me as if I suddenly grown two extra heads.

  “Are you out of your mind Laurel? Why in the world would you ask me something like that?”

  I sigh and look down into my cup of tea trying to find the words to justify the question.

  “I don’t know…I guess the way you kept looking at her in the car tonight.”

  A confused look forms on her face, “So because I care about a friend who is hurting, I’m what…suddenly gay?”

  “Well, you two have been awfully chummy,” I say as I turn my eyes back to her to see the look of utter astonishment on her face.

  “So…we’re friends.”

  “Seriously mom…you’re friends with the woman who obliterated my heart...who turned me into this.”

  “Don’t you dare…”

  “Dare what…say what I’m feeling? You never wanted to hear it then…never wanted me to talk about what happened. But when I come home after the worst nightmare of my life…I see her in my house. How the fuc
k did you think that would go…huh, mom? How did you think I would be okay with that fucking bitch in my house? How do you think I feel about you and her being friends after all this?”

  “Laurel, calm down. Nothing is going on between Sam and me…that is just preposterous. I don’t go that way…I love you father.”

  I let out a cocky snort, “Many women find out late in life they have a curiosity for the same sex, so it isn’t that far out there to think you guys are hooking up…friends with benefits.”

  She shakes her head and rises from the couch, “You’re being ridiculous. I don’t even want to look at you right now. But you know what, I’m going to satisfy your suspicions and tell you that nothing…and I do mean absolutely nothing but friendship is going on between Sam and me. That girl is so…”

  She trails off and turns to walk from the room.

  “She is so what? Mom!”

  She doesn’t answer me, just disappears from the room. I figure she is just leaving me here to stew in my anger. But not more than five minutes later she emerges with two cocktails in hand. Not sure what she has in those glasses, I’m hoping for whiskey…but I’ll take anything at this point.

  She hands me a glass and sits back down next to me. She takes a couple long sips from the glass before setting it on the end table. Then she spins herself on the sofa to face me. I don’t look at her right away, I stare into my cocktail poking the ice with my finger. I know nothing’s going on between her and Sam…I don’t know why I’m pissed off about it. My mother can be friends with anyone she wants, but it burns my ass that she’s friends with Sam. I feel like she’s taking her side in this…that my feelings don’t matter.

  “Laurel,” she says reaching for my hand. “Laurel, look at me.”

  I’m hesitant at first, but I relent and turn my head to look into her hazel eyes. She smiles at me then pats my hand before cupping it between hers.

  “I love you, sweetie. Very much. When you came home after graduation, I could see the pain in you and knew before you even said a word that you and Sam broke up. I’m truly sorry I wasn’t there to support you. I guess I didn’t realize or maybe didn’t want to realize how much pain you dealt with. I was self-absorbed and had to deal with your brothers’ antics. They were so young back then and required so much of my attention. I’m sorry you got lost in the shuffle.”

  “So am I,” I say as tears fall from my eyes.

  “Sam loves you, dear. She has been trying for years to contact you. She’s been out to Los Angeles countless times in the past five years. She has sent you flowers, gifts, letters…you name it.”

  “What?” I say as confusion contorts my face.

  “She was there in the hospital every day when you were in that coma. Holding your hand, kissing your head, singing to you. She was there the day you woke up.”

  My mouth drops open as the memory of the hand in mine when I was in that crazy daze of confusion as I began to wake up. I remember thinking how it felt so familiar. I remember the sweet sound of the hum and the tune she was humming was familiar as well.

  “Oh my God,” I whisper while my head is still reeling. “That was her?”

  I look over at my mother’s face, and it’s a juxtaposed expression of love and concern. “I never knew. I…I never got anything. No one told me.”

  I knew why, I made it pretty clear to my staff, my agent, my manager and everybody in between that I did not want any type of communication from Samantha Harrison. I was so angry back then, I wanted to forget that she existed. That she even drew breath…I wanted to forget and never be reminded again that I once loved her.

  “Laurel,” my mother says pulling me out of my reminiscence and I look over at her.

  “Laurel, what is it that you want from your life?”

  I look at her for a moment before I shrug and turn my attention back to the drink in my hand. “I want my life back, Mom. I want to get back to the life I had.”

  “Really? Seems strange that you would want to go back to a life where you were so unhappy.”

  I shake my head, take a sip of my cocktail and say, “Unhappy. I wasn’t unhappy. I had everything I ever wanted. I could buy anything I wanted, I could be with whomever I wanted.”

  “Yes, you had it all. But never once did you say you were happy.”

  I think for a minute…think back to my life in Los Angeles. Think about my hectic schedule, the demands…the responsibilities. The women whose arms never held any warmth for me, whose eyes never held any depth for me. But this is what I signed on for, and it suited me just fine. It wasn’t complicated, it was something I could control.

  I sigh and let it out in an annoyed huff as my eyes find hers. “There’s more to life than love, mom. And just because your definition of happiness isn’t the same as mine, doesn’t mean I’m not happy with my life.”

  “Well my dear, that is true. But all I can say is I’ve seen you happier these past several months than all of the time you were in LA playing the star. Even with being in that chair. I’ve seen you smile more, laugh more…and you can deny it all you want, but it’s because Sam is in this house. You still love her.”

  Now it’s my turn to look at her as if she’s grown two extra heads, “Now that’s preposterous.” My hands shake as I tilt the glass to my lips and swallow every bit before I put it down.

  “Sorry, mom…I don’t love Sam and I never will again.” I transfer myself into my chair, “I’m tired, good night,” I say, and I bolt from the room.

  “You’re in denial Laurel, and you know it.” I hear my mother’s words follow me as I cross the threshold to my bedroom and close the door.

  I search my bedside table for my old android. Fortunately, the sim card in my broken one isn’t damaged. Once I have it in the spare phone and hook it to the charger and turn it on. I figure there may be some missed calls from Nancy and Cammie, maybe even Lily. It is well after 2:00 a.m. and I’m pretty much exhausted and ready to sleep. But I have to know if anyone was trying to get me.

  I strip out of my clothes while standing by myself for the first time in almost a year. I hold onto my dresser for support as I pull a tank top over my head. The shorts are more of a challenge, I’m still unable to lift one leg while bearing all my weight on the other without the assistance of my crutches. So I sit on the dressing bench and pull them up my legs and over my hips. I stand again and take a couple of slow, steady steps using the bed as a stabilizer.

  I feel a sense of victory and freedom walking on my own. I've never dared to do it before, maybe having a little liquid courage or maybe it’s determination…not sure, but I’m excited, and I can’t wait to do more, but I don’t want to push it. So I climb into bed.

  This old phone still needs some charging, but at least I can see the home screen now. There are a few texts and several missed calls. I see there are voice mails too and I’m not in the mood for those, because three are from Nancy and two are from Cammie. I figure I would listen to them in the morning.

  There was a text from Lily saying she was sorry she passed out and told me she would make it up to me when she sees me tomorrow. There was another text from Cammie reminding me I’m doing steps tomorrow and make sure I get plenty of rest because she would be here bright and early with the camera crew. I roll my eyes and smile at the same time, I didn’t forget I let Nancy talk me into allowing this part of my therapy to be televised…but I’m regretting it now. I think back to the first time I saw that mock staircase thinking I would never be able to climb them. However, here I am ready to take my first step up.

  The last text was from Sam. I’m hesitant to read it at first because I’m really not in the mood for her criticizing me, telling me how much I suck. But then I see the time of the text, it was sent only fifteen minutes ago, and I wonder why she is reaching out at such a late hour. So I relent and click on it.

  Laurel, I just want to apologize for my behavior tonight. It was very rude of me to treat you like I did. I hope I didn’t bump your head too hard on
the car door, I really didn’t do that on purpose. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I know you’re doing steps tomorrow with an audience. Good luck, I know you’ll be back to your old self soon.

  I reread it two more times, and each time I get to the part where talks about bumping my head on the car door I smile and rub the small lump by my ear. It does smart a bit, but it isn’t anything major. But I have to say I was taken aback by her lack of caring at that moment. Maybe I deserve it because of how I’ve been treating her, the things I constantly say to her. I start to feel horrible when I remember the words that flew from my mouth that day as she sobbed against the wall like a child. I’m not a vindictive person…but I did want her to hurt, I wanted her to feel just a modicum of the pain that I felt.

  I click on the ‘send message’ bar and begin to type. This old phone doesn’t have the convenient ‘talk to text’ feature. As I typed it out, I had to erase it several times. What am I going to say? What am I trying to say? I don’t fucking know.

  Sam…no worries about tonight. I understand your indifference with me, and I’ll admit I deserve it. Thanks for the ride home and for helping me in and out of the Jeep. Nice ride…BTW. Also, I wanted to say I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. What happened between us is ancient history. I know we’ve muddied the waters a bit by sleeping together, but I would like to keep you as part of my therapy team, and I’m hoping you’ll be there tomorrow. There is no reason why we can’t put all of this aside and be friends.

  I hit send thinking I wouldn’t get a reply back and that I would see her in the morning which would be here too soon since it was 2:45 a.m. now. I slide myself under the covers, grab my hugging pillow and roll to my side. Just as I began drifting off, I hear my phone whistle. I had forgotten it’s the text notification sound on this phone. I want to just ignore it and go to sleep. However, curiosity was getting the better of me. So I reach for the phone, lie back on my pillow and open the text. I blink the fog from my eyes as I read the words in complete disbelief.